Name: Keli Vice
Twitter Handle: @kelivice
Genre: YA/Paranormal Romance
Title: Shift
PITCH:
An unfriended social outcast, Emily dreads senior year…until she becomes entangled in a strange romance with an intriguing new student, who turns out to be much more than he seems.
An unfriended social outcast, Emily dreads senior year…until she becomes entangled in a strange romance with an intriguing new student, who turns out to be much more than he seems.
500 WORDS:
From where I’m parked up in the Junior Lot, I can see the big soccer ball I painted across the asphalt last month under my name: E-M-I-L-Y in tall black block letters. Megan helped me fill in the green grass at the bottom, then I helped her finish outlining her name—three-foot-tall letters that stretch diagonally across her parking space two over from mine. Lyla, still annoyed we’d woken her up before noon, sipped on the Starbuck’s Frappuccino we bribed her with and refused our help painting the big red and white pompoms that fill the top of her spot. I grimace at the words underneath: Go Kennedy! IY#24.
The ache in the back of my throat grows, and I swallow, trying to push it down. It’s hard to believe only six weeks have passed since I spent that long summer day with my two best friends. The three of us had been talking about painting our senior parking spaces since the fifth grade, when Megan’s cousin painted his. San Carlan Elementary’s “Three Musketeers” finally made it to senior year and, thanks in large part to Lyla Park’s unstoppable powers of persuasion, scored three sweet spaces in the coveted front row of the Senior Lot.
But that was all before July 4th.
Now, Megan’s gone. And Lyla….Well, it’s unlikely that Lyla will ever speak to me again without a sneer twisting up her perfect pouty lips. So much for childhood friendships.
The last thing I meant to do today was arrive early. I’ve been dreading today. But I couldn’t stand another minute of my mom pretending not to stare at me over her coffee mug, like I might break down and lose it at any moment.
With the windows up, the vanilla scent of the air freshener hanging from my rear-view mirror is overpowering. I flick the tacky green cardboard tree, watching it swing as I swallow back the lump forming in my throat. Dad surprised me this morning, cleaning out my car and filling up the tank before he left for work. I’d told my parents a watered-down version of what happened out at the lake, but they know there’s more to the story. The past few weeks have been filled with hushed conversations that cut off the minute I walk into the room.
The parking lot fills around me as the dashboard clock marches towards 8:00am. I hope none of the juniors recognize my car; the mere fact that I’m parked here confirms the rumors of my social exile. Not like most of them don’t already know. My fall down Kennedy High’s social ladder had been swift, irrevocable and well-publicized on Snapchat. I only saw the beginning of Lyla’s rant before I was blocked, one by one, by just about everyone on my friend list. Juniors included.
My heart squeezes into a fist as a familiar bright red BMW cruises into the senior lot below.
Hi Keli!
ReplyDeleteThis is my first comment for #Yayya, so hopefully it isn't too much! I enjoy YA contemporary, and you have some really great stuff in here, so I'm glad you are my first post.
First, your 35-word pitch.
These are tough for me, and they seem to be tough for many of us. How do you fit a character, conflict, and goal inside 35 words!? You've done a pretty good job. You have your Character (Emily, a senior) and conflict ( a social outcast who meets a new boy who is more than what he seems). The goal isn't quite clear, but maybe this is more of a coming of age story? Maybe her goal has to do with being a social outcast, or the new boy? I'm not sure, but like I said before, it's hard to get it all in!
The phrase " much more than he seems" peaked my interest, which is good. Readers might need a little more direction. Is he sinister? Or is he better than he seems? That little bit of clarification might make things more clear.
Okay, on to your 500 word sample!
I really like how you start off with the painted parking spots. It's a great way to show the reader a little bit about who these three girls are. I did have to read it a few times to figure out when all of this happened and where Emily is. I think it's because this is written in present tense (which is great!) but it immediately discusses all these things that have happened in the past, so I sort of forgot where she was. That last line says " the senior parking lot below". I'm having a tough time picturing where the junior lot is in relation to everything. Is this a parking garage? Are they on a hill?
You do a good job giving markers for the timeline (six weeks ago, before July 4th). That is hard to do when you go from past to present to past, and you do it like a pro.
There's a mystery surrounding what has happened to Megan, which makes me want to turn the page. Awesome! I'm also curious about what has happened between
Lyla and Emily. I do think a little more explanation could be beneficial, but I get how hard that can be at this point. You don't want to ruin any surprises. I found myself wishing I knew what watered-down story Emily told her parents.
The detail about the vanilla scented air freshener is great! Tt provides sensory and gives us insight into Emily's parents. I'm so happy her parents are involved and in her life! So many YA characters seem to lack good parents. YAY!
If you have any questions, please reach out to me. Good luck!
Hi Jessica - thanks so much for the feedback! So helpful. This first chapter has been rewritten a bazillion times - this one is SUPER different than the originals (which actually started at her house on the first day of school, with backstory - which of course explained the whole conflict right up front ... but apparently isn't how agents like to see it. arrgghh!). I kept getting the advice to start right in the thick of her discomfort.
DeleteI look forward to reading your sample! I'm working through my 10.
Hi Keli!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, this isn't really my genre, so ignore my comments if it's just a genre thing!
The pitch:
I'm not drawn in by this pitch because it's so general. What's intriguing about the new student? What's strange about the romance? What are the stakes?
"Unfriended" is a strange word. You can probably do without it as social outcast implies no friends.
(I see after reading the first paragraph that she seems to have lost her friends. "Unfriended" is still a strange word, but I see why you included it. Maybe you can say, "After losing her friends, social outcast Emily dreads her senior year..." Which is more words, but I hope you see my point.)
The words:
There’s some tense issues when you’re talking about the past summer.
I don’t think Three Musketeers need to be anything but capitalized.
She swallows a lump in her throat twice – better to switch it up.
Since you’re writing in present tense, you don’t need to use the past perfect.
I think it’s a little cliché to begin your first chapter in the parking lot on the first day of senior year. It’s something we’ve seen a lot before, and it might be nice to change it up. It does seem appropriate for your story, but I’d like to see something more active.
You do a nice job of hinting that something went wrong, but I’d like to see even more hints. Just hints! No details yet, but maybe the nature of her tumble down the social ladder, etc.
I think the opening paragraph could be cut considerably and you could go into more detail about their childhood memories. It establishes a more long-standing connection with the three.
There’s a lot of thinking and observing in the first 500 words. Who is Emily? How can we connect with her? How did she take the friendship breakup? You say the last few weeks have been “filled with hushed conversations” but what was Emily doing? How is she feeling today, besides swallowing a lump in her throat? Just some things to think about.
I know all the questions I’ve asked are a lot to answer in the first 500 words, and you might do it later on, but if you do, I’d start there. Right now, there’s not a ton to bring us in and empathize with Emily, making us want to continue reading.
Thanks for sharing!
Averill (#11)
Keli,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the opening about the parking lot decorations. It definitely sets the scene and the age well. Ah I remember those parking spots well haha. I am also just dying to know what in the world the MC did for everyone to unfollow her. Interesting! But I think a hint would be welcomed as well. I like the sentence now Megan's gone. It creates intrigue. Did she move? Is she dead? hmm....The lake incident. It all sounds so good. I'd read on!
Hi Keli! Thanks for sharing your excerpt from SHIFT with us! I’m a huge fan of a good romance, and this seems like a great setup for one.
ReplyDeleteSo I like that your pitch gives us a solid view on what kind of social and emotional state Emily is in at the start of the story. However, I think “unfriended” is an odd c choice of words because the mind immediately goes to unfriended like on Facebook and that really doesn’t seem that bad. I think the phrase social outcast does your heavy lifting there and you don’t need “unfriended.”
The second half of the pitch is a little vague. “Becomes entangled in a strange romance with an intriguing new student, who turns out to be much more than he seems” could apply to almost any book in the Paranormal Romance genre. What elements of the story make YOUR book unique? Highlight those in your pitch! Get specific on your particular story’s plot and stakes.
The tense shift in the first paragraph confused me. I’d suggest moving it to a new paragraph to mark where the flashback ends to show we’re back in the present day.
“Now, Megan’s gone” made me think Megan is literally dead. Is she? If she’s not dead, I’d consider rewording it to make it clearer that Megan is avoiding her or where she actually is that isn’t there.
I love all the details with her parents in the paragraph that begins “With the windows up”, but I feel it’s way too much back story way too soon and that it’s pulling away from the story you’ve set up. Focus on the moment you have and weave your back story in throughout as you go.
I look forward to seeing where you go with this story. :)
Hi Keli,
ReplyDeletePitch: For me, the pitch is missing the concepts which make your novel different and interesting from other similar ones. You've used both unfriended and social outcast to describe the MC, which are duplicative. Consider starting with something like: When X happens, Y-year-old MC becomes a social pariah..." Although the rest of the pitch does not seem to be an effect of the first part, and reads as something similar to Twilight, which may not be what you want. What are the stakes, the choice the MC has to make after her call to action?
500 words:
I like the opening. You do a good job of going over her misery and leaving us with questions about what really happened. Some nitpicks:
In the opening sentence, you can ditch the "I can see" as it's filter-y. I had some troubles as well envisioning what she had painted in her parking post based on the order of the words. For example, you could do this: From where I’m parked up in the Junior Lot, my name in tall black block letters: E-M-I-L-Y hangs over the big soccer ball I painted across the asphalt last month.
I'm iffy on moving to past tense for flashbacks when the tense is present, but it seems like some of the flashback references are past perfect and shouldn't be.
I'm definitely curious about what happened to Megan! I'm hoping she's not dead. I'm guessing from Lyla's reaction she isn't (or the reaction seems inappropriate!).
And someone already mentioned this, but she swallows an ache in her throat twice, so you'll want to change that some.
I'd read further!
Julie (#3)
Hi Keli!!
ReplyDeleteI feel like your pitch right now reads as a typical romance with an outcast girl. I think we need a hint about why she's an outcast for it to hold water or why she falls for this new guy. We need to know why this is your story and why your character is dealing with what she is. There's not much room, I understand, so try all you can to show what makes your book unique with what words you have!
You're opening paragraph has promise, but right now, it's kinda a bunch of backstory. Maybe have her start realizing its been six weeks since she painted it and hint at the details of the day that are important to her character. Also, the opening tells us she's in the junior lot, but then you say they'd been dreaming a while about painting in the Senior lot, so its a little confusing.
Giving us a hint of how her friends broke up and if by Megan being gone means she moved or died would help connect us more to the main character as well.
this line: "But I couldn’t stand another minute of my mom pretending not to stare at me over her coffee mug, like I might break down and lose it at any moment." is good at tying past with present. Do more of this, intertwine her pain with the past scenes. But we need to know why at that point why she might break down. Because of her friends? Or because of whatever happened on July 4th?
We need an idea if she's annoyed, frustrated, or extremely hurt by whatever she did that lost all her friends. We understand she's lonely, but what are her other thoughts and feelings on the matter?
You've got some voice in there!! Just watch your pacing and flow, and make sure the readers can keep up with your character.
I hope this helps! :D
Bethany
Hi Keli!
ReplyDeletePITCH:
Wow, this pitch takes me right back to my teen years! It's been a while since I've read Paranormal Romance, but I used to be obsessed when I was in school. On that note, you may want to take some of my comments with a pinch of salt as I'm not so familiar with the genre now.
I love what you have already, but it feels like it's just the start of a pitch. I think given that a romance with a mysterious new student is such a big trope in YA PNR, you don't need to spend that much of the pitch on it. e.g. "Social outcast Emily dreads senior year, until she meets the a mysterious new boy who [interesting characteristic]. Now she must [conflict] before [stakes]". Something like that allows you to bring in the main crux of the story as well as what makes it different from the rest.
I also agree that unfriended was a little confusing. Social outcast says it all for me.
FIRST 500:
Love how intriguing this opening is, I definitely feel like I want to know more about what happened to these characters! I'm a sucker for mysterious summer incidents.
The opening did confuse me a little, as I first thought that the painting was happening right now. Perhaps splitting "Megan helped me ... top of her spot" into its own paragraph would make it clearer.
I agree with Jessica that I was wishing I knew what the watered-down story was. If you can throw a few things in without ruining the surprise, e.g. "but they know there's more to the story than [insert clue here]", it could be even more intriguing.
One thing I'd love is to get a deeper understanding of Emily's character. I think there are a few spaces where you could slip in something that helps us get to know her. e.g. "I've been dreading today, and not just because I have [insert hated class] first period" (do you have classes on the first day of school in the US?). You don't want to spend too much time talking about what Emily's like yet, but a few things here and there could make it easier to connect to her right of the bat.
I'd also say be wary of saying 'Snapchat'. Apps come and go so fast, naming one of them could date your story before it's even out. I think "on social media" or "on the latest social media app" would be a safer bet.
Other than that, looks like any sentence-level comments I would have made have already been mentioned. While it has been a while since I've read PNR, this already sounds like it won't be like all the others I've read, so definitely get that originality and intrigue into your pitch!
Hi Keli,
ReplyDeletePitch: This is an interesting premise, but I think you can make the pitch stronger. Right now, it's very generalized. Be specific about the unfriending or social outcast (but not both), by whom all of the Junior class? What is a strange romance? Why is the new student intriguing? Why is he more than what he seems? So, basically what makes your story and characters unique and stands out from the crowd.
Word: Oooo, I love the voice. I also love the dance you weave with the past, the present, the past, and back to the present. All done brilliantly, but it's possible to you might have too much of the past coming into these first 500 words.
With the line, "Now Meghan's gone." I want a reaction here. I she's dead or even if she's moved away, there's got to some kind of emotion reaction otherwise, the reader isn't get into what's happening to Emily. I know being a social outcast can be devastating to a teen, I think there's more happening than just that.
Overall, I think this is a great start to your story.
Hi!! Thank you so much for entering #YayYA!
ReplyDeletePitch: To be brutally honest, the pitch by itself sounds like something off of brooding YA Hero's account. Find a way to show off your story, not place it on a shelf. I know you can because of your first 500. Speaking of...
First 500: I like this because while she's a social outcast, it's sudden and circumstantial. There's a social media plot going on here, which is something your target audience can immediately relate to. Maybe focus on this in the pitch. If the love interest somehow makes some sort of deal with Emily to get her back up the social ladder or something, maybe that could tie it together?
You've got excellent voice. That's your greatest strength here. Use it like a weapon and show us what makes your story so different. You've got a lot of potential with your voice and how relatable the premise seems to be based off your sample here. I know you can do this!!
Lastly, I have no idea from either your pitch or first 500 what makes your story paranormal, and would love to know!
Hi Keli! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! You've got a relatable heroine and a really great voice here, so I'm anxious to see where you're taking it!
ReplyDelete35 word pitch: This is intriguing, but I am not sure I love the use of the word "unfriended" here. Yes, we use it on social media, but it feels like perhaps you mean friendless? Either that or you should specify what she did to get herself unfriended. I also feel like there's nothing in the pitch that makes this story feel paranormal: "much more than he seems" could be a student who's a vampire, in the witness relocation program, a gangster's son, etc.
500 words: Oh, this brings back so many memories! All that high school drama! I would slow down your first paragraph a bit. I had to read it through a couple times to figure out what was going on. You're introducing us to three characters we've not met before, so let us get to know them a little. In fact, you might consider doing the parking space painting as a proper flashback, set it apart from the rest and clear up the present tense vs. past tense confusion. Just a thought.
Emily's predicament here is sooo relatable, but she is in her head a lot. What if you actually showed her being shunned by one of her classmates? It would bring that outsider status and alienation to life quite vividly. Someone seeing her and turning the other way. Throwing something at her? Leaving a nasty note in her spot? Show us her isolation rather than just telling us.
The voice here is really great, and I love the mundane touches like the air freshener, and reference to Snapchat. Though I agree with the others that being specific like that could be dating. I'd substitute "social media."
This was a great start. I'm curious about where you're going with it just from the amount of detail you've provided so far. Don't rush the back story, and don't be afraid to show us what an exile Emily is, rather than telling us, and I think you can make the start of your story really engaging!
Thanks for sharing this and good luck in Pitch Wars!
Kimberly #4
Pitch:
ReplyDeleteFeels a little general or vague. Many YA Contemporary/Romance stories could use this pitch. Maybe include or hint at more of the paranormal aspect. Also, the word “unfriended” sounds like all of her friends “unfriended” her online. Do you mean someone with no friends? Maybe say “friendless”? Or maybe you don’t even need it at all. I think “social outcast” might say the same thing.
After reading your 500 words: Ok, so she has been basically DE-friended. Now I better understand your use of the word “unfriended” in your pitch :) Maybe “recently unfriended” or “recently de-friended” to imply she at one point did HAVE friends.
500 words:
Love, love, love your voice. Your words flow well and I am immediately pulled in by your MC. You have set the scene well of her social exile without being overly detailed at this point. You make me want to find out what on earth she could have done to have her two best friends stop talking to her.
You have just enough specific description to let me visualize what is happening (the air freshener part and the parking spaces) but you don’t bog your reader down with TOO much specific detail. A good balance.
I know this is not very helpful in your quest to improve your writing, but I really don’t have any major suggestions to improve. I really do like what you have and would LOVE to read more at some point.
Jackie (#5)
Hi, Keli. First of all, I'm not at all good at line editing and critiquing so I'm refraining myself from line critiquing. My feedback will be on the overall excerpt.
ReplyDeletePitch:
Echoing others here, the pitch is too vague and common for most YA contemporary.
•Social outcast? Check.
•Intriguing new student? Check.
•More than they seem? Check.
Try to stand out. A lot of YA contemporary are about teen romance while YA fantasy are about saving the world. What makes your story stand out? Show us that in your pitch.
500 words:
The first line was a bit too long for my taste but it was intriguing. But you took a long time to tell us Megan is gone. While reading about Lyla, one question that popped in me was "Do teens drink coffee?" Maybe they do, maybe they don't. But I found a middle school teen being a fan of coffee tad odd.
I'm also a bit hesitant about stories that open with flashbacks and stay there for a few paragraphs before returning to the current story. At first, I thought the three girls were painting their names on the lot. Then you said Megan is gone and bam! I'm gobsmacked to the story.
Otherwise, I found not that much problems. Best of luck in PitchWars!
These girls are 18 (seniors in High School) - and girls that age LOVE Starbucks. Not necessarily straight up coffee, but they drink the heck out of frappuccinos :-). Thanks for the feedback! I didn't get round two in on time, but will use it for round three. Much improved from all the good notes.
DeleteThanks to everyone who commented on my first 500 words. I missed the deadline to get in my 2nd round, but here it is for anyone who cares to read it - good luck everyone!
ReplyDeleteCHAPTER 1 - 500 wds
Cars start to trickle into the parking lot as my dashboard clock marches towards 8:00am. I sink lower in my seat, hoping none of the Juniors recognize my car. The mere fact that I’m parked here confirms the rumors of my social exile.
My fall down Kennedy High’s social ladder had been swift, irrevocable and well publicized on social media. I only saw the beginnings of Lyla’s rant before I was blocked, unfriended and unfollowed by everyone I knew. Or at least it seemed that way.
From my spot on the hill, I watch the seniors arriving in the parking low below, my stomach clenched in the tight perma-knot that’s been there for weeks. The last thing I meant to do today was arrive early. I’ve been dreading today. But I couldn’t stand another minute of my mom pretending not to stare at me over her coffee mug, like I might break down and lose it any second.
In the front row, nearest the school’s wide entrance, I can see my name painted across the asphalt in tall, block letters: E-M-I-L-Y arching over a big black and white soccer ball. I can’t believe it was only six weeks ago that Megan helped me fill in the green grass at the bottom before I helped her finish outlining her name — three-foot-tall letters that stretch diagonally across her parking space, two over from mine.
The spot between ours has huge red and white pompoms. Lyla lined them with silver one handed while sipping on the venti Frappacino we’d bribed her with to get her out of bed; she hated waking up before noon. I grimace at the words underneath the sparkly shapes: Lyla[heart]#24.
The ache in the back of my throat grows and I swallow, trying to push it down, wishing I could rewind time and go back to that long summer day with my two best friends. The three of us had been talking about painting our senior parking spaces since the fifth grade. And, thanks to Lyla Park’s unstoppable powers of persuasion, scored three sweet spaces in the coveted front row.
But that was all before July 4th. And Mark Dunn’s stupid drunken pass. I shudder, trying to shake off the memory of his unwelcome hands on my body.
Now, Megan’s gone. And Lyla …. Well, it’s unlikely that Lyla will ever speak to me again without a sneer twisting up her perfect pouty lips. So much for childhood friendships.
My windows are up, and the vanilla scent of the air freshener hanging from my rear-view mirror is overpowering. I flick the tacky green cardboard tree, watching it swing as tears prick my eyes. Dad surprised me this morning, cleaning out my car and filling up the tank before he left for work, a clear sign he knows something’s up. I’d told my parents a watered-down version of what happened out at the lake, but they know there’s…