Name: Danielle Simonelli (@dmsimone99)
Genre: Historical Fantasy
Title: The Blood of Runes
Pitch:
In
ninth century Scotland, a sixteen-year-old Viking girl, Pippa, vows to
rescue her brother from a vengeful Norse witch. She must embrace ancient
blood magic to find him before the witch captures Pippa herself.
First 500:
Pippa rolled the dice and winked.
She slid a tafl
pawn three spaces across the checkered board, eyeing the prize knife.
Scrollwork snaked around its handle and a curious rune decorated its
blade. Her brother, Jamie, would love to add it to his collection. He
always sought weapons with character.
The ruffian sitting across from her scratched the faded scars puckering
his nose. He leaned over the game board and rolled the dice. Six marks.
Sailors trying to earn some quick coin exchanged bets and told him to
move this piece or that. They shouted drunken suggestions at Pippa too,
but she already had a strategy to capture the King-piece. Her opponent
moved a white pawn by six squares and muttered something in Norse. His
sharp gaze met hers with a look that said “That’ll show you!”
“Tricky move,” Pippa said. She bowed her head to hide an impish smile. Jamie had taught her how to master tafl,
which her opponent foolishly agreed to play. He originally suggested a
test of riddles, but the last time Pippa attempted a riddle contest she
lost a silver bracelet.
She scanned the mead hall, making sure Jamie wasn't around, because she wanted to surprise him with the weapon.
Her
father would have been furious at her for gambling. Furious, but proud
when she won the knife. Longing for his smile made her chest ache, so
Pippa lifted a cup of frothy ale. The faint scent of aged oak conjured
images of summertime mischief with her brother, when they had snuck a
taste of ale from the brewer’s barrels. She drank it with a single
swallow and banged the emptied cup next to the game board. Everyone
cheered as she reached for a nearby flagon and refilled her cup. Pippa
could enjoy two drinks, maybe three, without muddling her senses.
She
tapped her foot to the warbled rhythm of a panpipe, relishing her
imminent win. With her turn came a squall of suggestions from the crowd,
yet one spectator remained aloof. The figure stood near the fire,
fussing with voluminous robes until they lay just right. By the look of
his unscathed leather boots and the flashing gold rings on his fingers,
he wasn’t a farmer or seafarer. She squirmed under his stare. A heavy
hood framed his face, but his eyes glimmered as he watched the game…and
her.
She
turned back to the board and rolled the dice. Seven marks. The ruffian
was an idiot, but he needs to think he has a chance. Otherwise, he might
end the game. Pippa started to reach for a red pawn, hesitated, made a
show of sighing and tugging on her bottom lip, and then reached for
another. She moved it seven squares, diagonally.
The
ruffian cracked his fat knuckles. “I need a break.” His voice sounded
harsh, like the jagged edges of raw, unforged steel scraping against
stone. A raider, no doubt. He clearly didn’t expect to lose to a
sixteen-year-old girl.
I don't have much to say.
ReplyDeleteGood start. I may not know what this tafle game is, but you give enough details to make me not feel lost. (I like the ‘scheming’ part. Good description)
His sharp gaze met hers with a look that said “that’ll show you!”- This is still dialogue, so the T is that should be capital.
Hi Danielle!!
ReplyDeleteYour pitch is good, but we need some stakes. A reason to worry if she fails. So if she doesn't succeed, what will happen to her and her brother? This will make it stronger and help set even more of the tones in it that are in your novel :)
As for your pages, you do a lot of telling in the beginning. You tell us she's playing and that the guy looks like a ruffian. The readers have good imaginations, so just subtle descriptions as things roll out will give us the hint of what you want us to see in your story. (my own entry this round has the same problem actually, but I didn't have time to fix it XD )
For example, right now you have: "She played a scheming game of tafl and moved a pawn three spaces across the checkered board. The winner would claim the knife with scrollwork snaking around its handle and a curious rune decorating its blade."
You could, instead, change it to something like this to show the scene playing out instead of just telling us what happened.
"She slid her tafl pawn three spaces over the checkered board, eyeing the knife on the side of the table. Her brother would love the scrollwork snaking around its handle and the curious rune decorating its blade, so she knew she had to win the weapon for him. Across from her, the ruffian frowned behind his scars and puckered nose, leaning over the board to make a challenging move. Six marks. Surrounding her, sailors shouted past drunken lisps at her and her opponent, hoping to win their bets by throwing in suggestions. Pippa ignored them, already having a strategy with her king."
See? This is just an example, you obviously can write it in your own voice and style, but this would not only help it flow better, it's less listing of what happened and more of moving you through the scene. Don't tell us its a scheming game, show us.
I like how Pippa is a smart girl who wants to use her abilities to give something to her brother. It shows off the bat her character is clever, and cares about her family. I also loved the line: "The faint scent of aged oak conjured images of summertime mischief with her brother, when they had snuck a taste of ale from the brewer’s barrels." I can smell and picture these things!
I hope this helps! :D
Bethany
I think this is well written. But "she played a scheming game of tafl" seems unnecessary. Saying she moves a pawn is more active, and you mention the name of the game later. The rest is well written, and the hooded figure hints at something to read ahead for. As far as stakes, perhaps use the riddle contest line to boost the stakes here.
ReplyDeleteHi Danielle!
ReplyDeleteAs far as your pitch is concerned, I agree with Bethany on the stakes part. I'm wondering about the banner part. Not sure why she has to do this. What's the risk if she doesn't?
You have good sensory details, and your beginning puts us directly into the action, which is great! I feel like I'm watching the action, though, instead of being engaged in it. Since we know what Pippa is thinking, it might be fun to feel the tension with her and doubt the ruffian along side of her. Because the reader is removed from the action, there isn't as much urgency, if that makes sense.
Seems like a cool concept and I'd like to see more!
The pitch is great. So is your opening line.
ReplyDelete"She played a scheming game of tafl and moved a pawn three spaces across the checkered board." --> I think this needs to be broken into two sentences. Her playing a scheming game is too specific to match with her making a particular move.
A little more description of the tavern might be nice too.
Pippa is an interesting character--I get a feel for her personality in just the 500 words, which I like.
Hi Danielle!
ReplyDeletepitch: your pitch does a good job summarizing what Pippa must do, and the setting, but it doesn’t give us her personal stakes/emotional impact. you’ve only used 30 words, and you could probably trim a few words from this so you have more wiggle room.
how about …
When her brother angers a vengeful witch, 16-year-old Pippa must rely on her wits (and ancient blood magic) to save him….But … hint of something (internal stake for Pippa or some other element?
just a thought!
500 words:
I really like your story. Pippa’s character makes me like her right away. Your page is well written, too.
I agree with others that the opening description of the game is lacking something. And since it’s the very beginning of the novel, it’s worth chewing through until it’s perfect. I tweaked it a tiny bit to tighten it up.
Pippa rolled the dice and winked.
She was (two?) moves away from claiming the prize beside her on the table. She slid the pawn three spaces across the checkered board and glanced at the knife again, noting the scrollwork snaking around the knife’s handle and the curious rune decorating its blade. Her brother Jamie would say it was a weapon with character. He was going to love it.
The man sitting across from her looked like he belonged in a band of ruffians, with faded scars puckering his nose. He leaned over the game board and rolled the dice. Six marks. Sailors trying to earn some quick coin exchanged bets and shouted drunken suggestions, but Pippa ignored them. She already had a strategy to capture the King-piece.
The ruffian moved a white pawn by six squares and muttered something in Norse. His sharp gaze met hers.
“Tricky move,” Pippa said. She bowed her head to hide an impish smile.
I’m not sure if that’s better but just to give you another idea!
I like the detail that she isn’t good at riddles - that she’s not perfectly skilled in every area.
I don’t know if you need the “She scanned the crowd” paragraph. Could cut?
I love the part about her father, “Longing for his smile made her chest ache, so Pippa lifted a cup of frothy ale.” This really grabbed me and made me care about her. The whole paragraph is great (as someone already mentioned)
I like the rest as written. I would definitely read on!
Maria (#1) @MariaCMcDaniel
Pitch: Strong female MC, mythology, witches, Scotland... What's not to love? Effective use of your 35 words.
ReplyDelete500 words: Love the first line. Right away the MC seems like a force to be reckoned with. I loved reading this and would like to more. :) Good descriptions of setting and what the MC is feeling/thinking. I get a good sense of her personality through her thoughts/actions. Yes, add a bit more about the game itself. Maybe consider with the line about the mysterious hooded figure changing it to "watching the game, watching her." But other than that I think it is the strongest start I've read on here yet. I'd definitely read more.
Danielle,
ReplyDeleteI thought you had a very clear pitch. I suppose you could add the stakes, but I understood the gist.
I like the opening line, and this is a wonderful little bit of information about her brother: “Her brother, Jamie, would love to add it to his collection. He always sought weapons with character.” I feel like you’ve got a good scene here, with an interesting game taking place. I enjoyed the touches of her family, and the feelings they gave the main character. I am interested to know where they are? I’d love a bit more descriptions on the ruffians and the game. I felt like there were a few instances of passive voice, “She hoped he” This story sounds exciting though!
Thank you everyone for the comments. I will work on cleaning up those first couple of lines. BTW, this is probably the 16th or 17th version of this chapter. Oy vey!
ReplyDeleteHi Danielle!
ReplyDeleteI’ll skip the pitch critique because I agree with the above comments and think you have good advice on that.
500 words:
I really enjoy this, and would definitely want to read on.
First question, who is she winking at in the very first move? Is that part of the game? It seems like she doesn't have any allies around, and if she were to be winking, that would just make her competitor suspicious. Am I missing something?
The 2nd paragraph: I really like Bethany's suggestion above for the first couple of sentences. I'd alter it further and bring back one of your original lines:
"Eyeing the prize resting on the side of the table, she slid her tafl pawn three spaces over the checkered board. Her brother would love the scrollwork snaking around the knife's handle and the curious rune decorating its blade. He always sought weapons with character."
The word ruffian is in the snippet 5 times, which I think is too often for a word we don't see in every-day discussion. I'd look for a synonym or other way to describe him/them.
Finally, near the last few paragraphs, I'd probably cut some of the more telling verbs: she wished he'd stop staring (maybe you can have her shift under his gaze?), the italicized thoughts with the thought tag on it (I'd eliminate this as a thought and just leave it as part of the narrative, and she made a show of (I think you've done well explaining she's the hustle in this game, no need to continue to repeat she's tricking him).
Really well done! I hope this helps some.
Julie (#3)
Hi!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely love the setting. Strong female MC is awesome--she seems smart, resourceful, mindful of her imperfections, and compassionate for her family. She feels well-rounded even for the first 500 words.
I won't focus on line by line edits because I really love the recommendations above. You have an interesting setting, in the middle of an interesting game, with interesting characters. I want more than just the move by move play. I think using the above advice will really capture a reader and make them feel as Pippa does!
Overall, I wanted to read on and know more, which is the goal of a first 500, so well done!!
-Mads
This is a great premise and a fascinating historical setting! There are some good moments of characterization in these opening pages, like her preference for tafl over riddle contests and how she plays dumb to trick her opponent into letting down his guard.
ReplyDeleteThe scene moves a little slowly, though, for my tastes, and the atmosphere of the mead hall is a little thin. I know she's there, but I don't feel it.
There's some nice tension with the game and the Mysterious Stranger in the corner, though. Overall, great opening!
-Katherine (#17)
Your revised 500 are perfect in my opinion. Still not feeling the pitch. Perhaps emphasize the importance of the relationship with her brother to heighten stakes?
ReplyDeleteOh thank you so much.
DeleteI stink at writing pitches. I mean, really stink. I'll see what I can do.
Thank you again!
I hate pitches too. Sooooo hard!
Delete