Genre: MG Fantasy Comedy
Title: Fighting Clichés
Pitch: Brianna wants to star in a Great Author’s novel, but when a cliche adventure comes her way, and she has to ruin the story and survive a war against a necromancer to achieve her dream
500:
Brianna did not live in a hole in the ground, nor in a massive palace, thank goodness.
She lived in a cottage by the ocean, overlooking white cliffs. Her home bordered the desert, ocean, and forest, putting her in the center of her own world. That gave her a special place to be found by adventurers.
She lived in a cottage by the ocean, overlooking white cliffs. Her home bordered the desert, ocean, and forest, putting her in the center of her own world. That gave her a special place to be found by adventurers.
If someone were to come to her, looking for a journeyer, voyager, adventurer, or hero, they’d come for a specific reason, needing a main character. Thankfully, cliche story holders went to those holes in the ground and palaces, where hopeful teens thought they’d stick out, living as griffons or ogres while wearing too many costumes and too much makeup.
Ever since her fifteenth birthday, Brianna imagined the sounds of living through a war or smells of wild valleys where unicorns trod. Now that she was eligible to be the main character of a young adult novel, she anticipated something mysterious to take place in her life.
As she fed the family camels, she watched her boots for stray photographs of peculiar people in the dust. Nothing met her boots except some twigs and camel manure, as usual, but she kept on hoping.
Of course, she couldn’t dream too much, otherwise she’d be stuck in dating wars for some prince or chasing prophecies, both of which were cliche. And the Great Authors of Novella never wanted to put cliche stories in their collections of their world’s history.
On one particular morning, as Brianna wondered what it would be like to live in a secret society, a strange fellow with a feathered face and yellow boots arrived on their porch.
Brianna stopped between the camel-yard and cottage, staring at the creature. Her mother rushed from the house, wringing her hands in her apron and leaving the door open to let out scents of taffy being made in the kitchen.
Inside, Brianna’s excitement boiled. She bit her lip, to hold back her hope.
No non-human creatures came to Adventuras Island in the world of Novella, unless they wanted to find someone to take on an adventure.
Camels huffed in the back of her ears, nervous. The wind even changed directions. Yes, this has to be my time. My turn to become a hero.
“Dear, sir!” Brianna’s mother called, addressing the feathered-visitor by her usual term for everyone. “Are you lost? Do you need shelter?”
Brianna made her way over to the short creature and her mother.
Her mother’s fingers danced at her side, as if she played an invisible piano… as if she thought this hero-seeker was for her. Brianna couldn’t hold back her scowl. No, mom. This needs to be mine. You’ve already had five adventures.
The feather-faced visitor bowed, tucking both his arms to his chest and revealing some rather curly purple nails that matched his plumaged complexion. “My Lady of the Laughing Forbidden Cliffs, Áirneath, whose eyes are golden and face is like glowing emeralds…”
“Hold it!” Brianna cut in.
Cool idea! Usually the writing could fall into exposition, but I think there's enough voice to pull it off.
ReplyDeleteWhat a compelling idea! What about starting in scene and revealing some of the details as events unfold? I love the back and forth between the MC and her mother. Excited to see where this goes. I've never read anything like it.
ReplyDeleteHi Bethany!
ReplyDeleteSomething about your concept reminds me of My Lady Jane, though I'm not sure why. It's so out of the box and creative.
Quick point: except for the title, cliché has lost its accent aigu throughout, but I’m guessing it's just a function of whatever program you're using.
Pitch: This reads well (although the first "and" seems extraneous and should be deleted). As I've continued to read, I get a bit confused and think there needs to be more of a distinguisher between the desirable great story and the cliché story. In reading the pitch, I don't automatically realize a cliché story is a not a great author's story so I don't get why she has to ruin the story. Is it possible to make that clearer in 35 words?
500 words: Great voice, and fun. My comments will be mostly technical, and probably not in any reasonable order.
Watch the dangling participles. While these can be accepted if it's clear the meaning, why give someone a reason to reject for technical issues? Example: "She lived in a cottage by the ocean, overlooking white cliffs." In this case, the participle "overlooking white cliffs" is modifying the closest noun, ocean, implying the ocean is overlooking the white cliffs as opposed to the cottage. Here's another one: Brianna stopped between the camel-yard and cottage, staring at the creature.
This sentence: "If someone were to come to her, looking for a journeyer, voyager, adventurer, or hero, they’d come for a specific reason, needing a main character" is awkward and repetitive. What about something like: Travelers from all over the kingdom(?) came looking for a journeyer, voyager, adventurer, or hero to star in their story.
Love these lines: "Her home bordered the desert, ocean, and forest, putting her in the center of her own world." " Of course, she couldn’t dream too much, otherwise she’d be stuck in dating wars for some prince or chasing prophecies, both of which were cliche." " Her mother’s fingers danced at her side, as if she played an invisible piano… as if she thought this hero-seeker was for her."
This line: "Inside, Brianna’s excitement boiled. She bit her lip, to hold back her hope." Is inside the inside of her body? If so, specify. In the second sentence, you don't need to explain why she bit her lip. Perhaps you could show us further by having her bite her lip and wring her hands?
With regards to the feathered creature, does she know immediately if he is looking for a cliché adventurer or if his is different? Because she gets awfully excited...we may need to know that this guy is different, this one will for sure bring her to the great story. Hmm, wait, you may have told us that here: No non-human creatures came to Adventuras Island in the world of Novella, unless they wanted to find someone to take on an adventure. But, it still might help to mention he didn't reek of clichés or something else.
I find it's deeper POV to not continually refer to one's mother as "her mother," but instead, Mother, Mama, whatever makes sense for the story.
“Hold it!” Brianna cut in.<--I'm not a fan of "cut in" as a dialog tag when that's clearly what is happening. Better to use said or some other way to indicate Brianna spoke there.
I hope this helps a little!
Julie (#3)
Hi Bethany!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, as I'm warning all SFF, this isn't really my genre, so ignore my comments if it's just a genre thing! I'm also not a big MG reader.
The pitch:
I can definitely see how this is funny. I love the idea of her having to ruin the story to achieve her dream. It reminds me of that movie with Will Ferrell and Emma Thompson, where the author wants to kill him off and the MC has to stop her. (You'll probably get that a lot. It's a great movie.) Otherwise, the pitch seems solid with all the elements you need.
The words:
I like your opening.
I know this is your entire premise, but it is too self-aware/breaking the fourth wall for me. Brianna knows she's a character in a story – rather, that's her whole desire – and she's lamenting on all the stories and adventures she never got to be part of. How does she know about them? Do they become books she then reads? Does she hear about the adventures from her classmates that went on them or something?
What makes her "eligible" to be an MC in a YA novel? Turning 15?
Also, just to clarify, this is an MG novel with the MC being in a YA novel? I wonder how that's going to be marketed/pitched? I'm sure you can do it! It confuses me a little, though.
I didn't get at first that Novella was her world. When you say "the Great Authors of Novella", I thought you meant authors who wrote novellas. So, the worldbuilding needs a little work there.
I laughed at the "No, Mom... You've already been on five adventures."
I like that she seems like she's going to take control of this situation. She doesn't seem like an MC that's going to sit back and let things happen to her. That's great! That really endears me to her. And she has voice for days!
Overall, it's cute. I don't mean that in a belittling or condescending way, either. I think you'll find some readers looking for a tongue-in-cheek book like this. THE PRINCESS BRIDE is one of my favourite books and it's very tongue-in-cheek/a satire of fantasy-damsel-in-distress-type stories. He wrote it using a different device (having the story-within-a-story-within-a-story) which is why I think I liked it. None of the characters were "self-aware" like Brianna is in this. That doesn't mean to change it! Just 'cause it's not my jam doesn't mean it won't be someone else's. I can see this being really fun and interesting, and there's lots of things you can capitalize on. Like, breaking the fourth wall, and using Brianna's strength and stubbornness to really steer the story to horrible and hilarious consequences! We always talk about how our characters have a life of their own. Good luck with this!
Thanks for sharing!
Averill (#11)
Hi Bethany,
ReplyDeleteThis is such a clever idea for a story and such a great premise for a middle grade book. Middle grade readers LOVE being in on the joke, and this book seems to have a lot of that to offer!
There are some language things going on that I think could be confusing, however, especially for younger readers. I'd consider trying to shorten sentences and break them up as much as possible, to make it easier to follow what's happening. I'm also tempted to say that you could start a little more in-scene, as there is a lot of exposition here. Solid exposition with great voice, but still, there are chances to ground the reader a little faster. I like how it starts, reminiscent of a fairy tale, with the "Brianna did not live in a hole in the ground, nor in a massive palace, thank goodness.
She lived in a cottage by the ocean, overlooking white cliffs. Her home bordered the desert, ocean, and forest, putting her in the center of her own world. That gave her a special place to be found by adventurers. "
But I think right after that is a good place to zoom in to the scene. Show us her going to feed the camels, the dirt on her boots, the sounds of the animals, then roll out the rest of the premise bit by bit once we're with her. (I hope that makes sense.) Otherwise you risk the first scene feeling more like a book blurb, and some readers might not be instantly drawn into the story.
There are some places you can tighten sentences and streamline the prose. For example, "she anticipated something mysterious to take place in her life." is easier to read as "she waited for something mysterious to happen in her life" or "She anticipated something mysterious" or whatever works best for you. Just aim for simpler sentences when possible, especially if you're targeting MG readers. I loooove long complex sentences, too, but I've heard this advice enough that I take it seriously now, and I think a lot of agents will feel the same way, especially for this age group.
Fun idea! Very cool.
-Emily #15
Hi Bethany!
ReplyDeletePITCH:
This is such a cool and clever idea! I'd have loved to read this when I was young (and I'd still enjoy it now!). There isn't much to fault here. If anything, I'd agree with Julie that it would be helpful to make it clearer that the cliché adventure is in opposition with the great author's novel.
FIRST 500:
Ordinarily I'd say that I wished the opening got into the action sooner, but I actually really like this beginning! Brianna's voice develops from the first line, and you do a good job of setting up the background to this story, which I think is a little more necessary than it would be in typical stories because you're subverting all the norms. However, if you could find some way of explaining all that with action and dialogue interwoven, then I think it would be perfect.
The character's age did throw me off a little. When I was at middle grade age, I probably would have thought I had the wrong age category if I picked up a book that told me the character was 15+.
The only other thing I'd say is that I agree with comments regarding making things clearer for younger readers. I understood everything you were saying, but I have a 12-year-old brother, and I think some parts would have confused him at first. "The Great Authors of Novella, the world where we lived, never wanted..." for example just ensures your readers are on the same page as you.
I don't think there's much left to say other than that. Just want to reiterate that this is a great premise—one that will be instantly appealing to any young book lover! I think you've got the voice, setting and tone down perfectly.
Hi! This seems like a fun premise. I liked it better as you got going and got to the feather-faced stranger showing up. I think it might flow better if you start in the scene with the stranger arriving, and weave in the details of the land as Brianna and her mother interact with him/it.
ReplyDeleteThis type of story has potential for a LOT of complexity. Probably best not to overwhelm readers with so much of it all at once. Focus on Brianna's hopes, for the kind of story she anticipates and hopes being chosen for, and let the plot-hole dwellers and cliche castles take a back seat for now. Mention them after we're more solidly grounded in the Brianna's world and expectations.
This sounds like a very cute and fun book! I don't read very much MG, though, so take my critique with that in mind.
ReplyDeleteThis might be a MG thing, but I think this opening takes a few too many paragraphs to get to the action. If you go from the first paragraph to the one that starts "On one particular morning," it would draw me in faster. The rest of the information is clear in the next few paragraphs: that Brianna wants to go on an adventure, and that her world is all about kids and teens going on adventures.
Small notes: One line confused me at first: "Camels huffed in the back of her ears, nervous." Do you mean the camels are right behind her, breathing on the back of her head? And I'd capitalize "mom" in Brianna's thoughts.
You set up the tension between Brianna and her mom really well, and I absolutely love the record-scratch moment of Brianna shouting "Hold it!" She's definitely taking control of her own narrative!
-Katherine (#17)
Hey Bethany! Thanks for sharing FIGHTING CLICHES with us and for co-hosting such a wonderful event!
ReplyDeleteI think your concept is super fun and full of elements MG readers would love. The first part of your pitch is good, but the “and” before she has is throwing off the second part. What do you mean by ruin the story? That part is so vague, I think the pitch works without it. ‘Survive a war against a necromancer’ is a clear understandable goal that carries your second part well.
I love the concept of characters who know they’re in a book. Have you read Diana Wynne Jones’ The Tough Guide to Fantasy Land? That’s a wonderful book that features characters who know they’re in a fantasy world, and I think it would be good research for your book.
There’s a lot of exposition going on here, but your story doesn’t really start until “On one particular morning.” Up until that point, you’re just telling us about the world. But with all writing, especially for younger readers of MG, you’ll lose your reader if you just dump info at them for too long. Let your readers see your world as your characters move through it. That way, they will truly feel like they’re part of it. All the information between the line “That gave her a special place to be found by adventurers.” and “And the Great Authors of Novella never wanted to put cliche stories in their collections of their world’s history.” could be weaved in for a more natural flow. Then your story can really get underway.
Best of luck with Pitch Wars!