Name: Maria Mainero @mariaannawitt
Genre: Contemporary Supernatural
New 35 word pitch:
A classmate crippled by
Kelsey’s boyfriend in a car accident draws powers from his comic book art, and
swaps bodies with her. She must stop his revenge against her boyfriend, or live
his life forever.
Revised 500:
It was the summer before
senior year, and my boyfriend of two weeks might break up with me. No biggie. In eight solid years
of experience with Dave, as my friend, he’d never let me down.
As my boyfriend?
Maybe I let him down.
I scanned the parking lot for
Dave’s truck. “He’ll be here,” Darcie assured me. In front of us, the concrete
break wall stretched out into Caseville Harbor, where Lake Huron rippled with
tiny waves, blue and glassy, under the rosy sunset. We headed to the far end,
toward the pile of large boulders in the water, and the sound of voices.
“It’s just Kelsey and
Darcie.”
Queen Bree and her clone Cate
were perched on the center rock like pink and blonde flamingoes in a flock of
jocks and other seagulls. I ducked through the railing and stepped over the
lapping water to the rocks. Just Kelsey.
Not someone they wanted to see. Like Dave.
“Hi all!” I forced confidence into my voice, and squeezed onto a rock to sit
with Darcie. One of the guys tilted a beer can in our direction. “Thanks,” I
said, as Darcie held up her hand to decline. The icy aluminum in my palm made
me shiver. This was a mistake. What if Dave did let me
down?
“Too soon for shorts in Michigan,” Darcie said.
“They’re capris.” I scrunched
up my self-pedicured toenails in Parlez-Bleu Francais.
Bree snickered. “You’re
explaining fashion to someone who wears black jeans and flannel to the beach?”
“Were we supposed to wear pink?” Darcie looked
Bree and Cate up and down. “If I ever do, kill me. Slit my throat, drench me in
my own blood and bury me in a garbage bag. A black one.”
The girls rolled their eyes
but Darcie didn’t flinch. I sipped my beer the way Dave had taught me at my
first high school party. “Just drink a sip or two,” he told me. “Hold it for a
while, then put it down somewhere. You can do that all night long, and never
get wasted.”
No matter how many beers I
abandoned, he always claimed I was buzzed when I tried to flirt with him.
Always said he’d never take advantage of me. I always pretended to be grateful
for that. Welcome to the friend zone. Our friendship was too important to screw
up with a relationship. Yeah, he really said that. But for one wonderful week,
I thought I proved him wrong. Then I proved him right.
“Just talk to him,” Darcie
kept telling me on the drive up to Caseville. That’s what I dreaded. I knew what he’d say. This was a mistake,
let’s just stay friends. I knew what would happen, the awkward conversations,
the gradual distancing.
I knew what I’d feel. I was feeling it already, waking up from disturbing
dreams where Dave refused to listen to me or take my side. But Darcie was right
about one thing. I couldn’t avoid him any longer.
I have to say, your pitch alone was fun to read before I even looked at the pages.
ReplyDeleteYou go from Dave’s never let her down to maybe her letting him down. It doesn’t flow right to me, since the focus is on him and not her.
For this: “At the end of the walk, a pile of large boulders in the water, and voices” I think you need an extra word. It feels incomplete.
I like it so far, though I think you can trim a little of the dialogue and sprinkle in a bit more about their relationship since right now it’s only hinting at things.
Great start!
Hi Maria!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, your pitch is good, but you have room to get a little more detailed on how the comic book artist gets their abilities and why they want revenge on her boyfriend. On twitter, I know there's not a lot of room, but most pitch contests that aren't through tweets allow the 35 words, so use them!!!
The opening sentence is a little awkward, and feels like its partially telling. Maybe try to reword a few parts of it. When she hints she may have let him down, we don't really know what happened, so we're left to guess that either she's wondering if she did or she actually did something but she doesn't exactly want to admit it.
"rosy setting sun. " can easily be changed into rosy sunset. I feel like it'd flow smoother.
"“It’s just Kelsey and Darcie.” I ducked through the railing and stepped over lapping water to the first rock. Just Kelsey. Not someone they wanted to see. Like Dave." is a little confusing. We don't really know right now if the voices said that, since Kelsey is mentioned right after, but I'm assuming that they did. And the line about "like dave." is confusing. I'm not quite sure what you mean by that one.
There's also a lot of characters for a beginning. Five names within the first couple paragraphs and some random guys mentioned that have beers, which, right now, we know your main character is about seventeen, if senior year means high school, so her taking one kinda makes her appear sketchy and overly rebellious right now.
The line about "this is a mistake" flows to the beer currently, but I'm guessing you mean her coming to the lake, even though we're not sure why she's there except maybe to go on a date with Dave. But even then, it makes it sound like she arranged it, then brought her friend too.
Except, you say she's avoiding him in the last line, so that leaves us a little confused.
So, I think what's wrong is you're starting in the wrong place. Wherever Dave friend zoned her and she claims she can prove him wrong is probably where you need to open the book, since there's a lot of back story going on in this opening that could very well be the opening itself.
Your first and last lines hook, but make sure everything flows smoothly and is clear!
Hope this helps! :D
Bethany
Hey Maria!
ReplyDeleteI love the premise! I think there was a Supernatural episode that had a similar thing. Your pitch doesn’t touch on why she needs to help (besides the saving the BF part, of course.) What could happen if she doesn’t do it? Why does it have to specifically be her?
I’d like to see some anticipation from your MC right off the bat. Maybe she could be checking her watch or checking the same corner/window/sidewalk for her boyfriend as she waits for him. That will solve the problem of needing to start with action and immediately delve the reader into her emotions.
A quick note on dialogue tags… Most agents/publishers want said and asked as the only tags used. Also, it’s important to separate character action from tags. Maybe something like this: “He’ll be here.” Darcie wore her everything’s-going-to-be-okay face, but I wasn’t so sure. The rest of that sentence would be taken care of if you start with her searching for him.
Another example would be: “They’re not shorts, they’re capris.” I scrunched my toenails painted in Parlez-Bleu Francais into my shoes.
I like the idea of the beach party, but there may be too many people to keep track of from the beginning. I did the same thing in an early draft, and my editor called me on it. It may serve you better to focus on the angst she feels as she waits for Dave.
Your story has potential and I’m intrigued by the premise. I did a blog post a while back about dialogue tags if you’re interested in seeing it. One of my CPs refuses to abide by this rule because she hates it. :P So obviously, it’s a choice!
Cool pitch! The beginning also instantly caught my attention.
ReplyDeleteI agree with other comments that you're introducing a lot of characters in your first 500. I'm also hesitant about using anonymous "voices" to convey information.
I also think you might wait to give all the backstory on Dave and MC. The first paragraph really intrigued me. Then you answered a bunch of my questions pretty quickly. I like the idea of having more mystery--you can slowly reveal the details of their past and present relationship, perhaps showing instead of telling some of it.
The tension in the opening is great, and so is MC's voice. I instantly felt like I understood her personality, even in just a page.
Hi Maria!
ReplyDeletepitch: I agree with Bethany that your pitch could be longer to give us more emotional impact. I'm guessing Kelsey's fear of losing him, even if she can save him from the comic book artist, might be an angle? Or a hint at why Dave was the target of this attack? just thoughts! Cool idea, though!
500:
I really like your opening lines. Nice set up of their relationship.
I think you’ve gotten some good feedback from the others: might be too many characters or starting in wrong place, etc. I’m not sure, but here are my thoughts on the current scene, if kept:
It starts to get confusing as the girls arrive at the lake and meet their classmates. Here’s an idea (just rearranging your lines a bit and minor word changes)
In front of us, the long concrete break wall stretched out into Caseville Harbor, where Lake Huron rippled with tiny waves, blue and glassy, under the rosy setting sun. We headed down to the far end, toward the pile of large boulders in the water, and the sound of voices.
“Oh, it’s just Kelsey and Darcie.” **
Queen Bree and her clone Cate, perched like pink and blonde flamingoes in a flock of jocks and other seagulls. I ducked through the railing and stepped over the lapping water to the first rock. Just Kelsey. Not someone they wanted to see. Like Dave.
“Hi all!” I forced confidence into my voice, and squeezed in on a rock with Darcie. One of the guys tilted a beer can in our direction. “Thanks,” I said, as Darcie held up her hand to decline. The icy aluminum in my palm made me shiver.
(** I’m not sure if you need a dialogue tag here or not. I think it’s clear that Bree spoke the line, but others may disagree)
I agree with Bethany that the “mistake” line sounds like it refers to the beer, although intuitively we know it’s about Dave. I don’t know if it’s a big deal, and I can’t think of a way to make it clearer. Maybe it’s okay.
I don’t know if you need the next few dialogue lines for character development or something, but if it was me, I’d skip them and go right to “I sipped the beer slowly…”
If you do keep them, this part read awkwardly for me: Bree remarked, to laughs from her loyal subjects. Maybe (?) just Bree said (or laughed). I'm not sure about too many references to queen/subjects, etc.
Not knowing what’s coming next, it’s hard to say, but you might be starting in the wrong place, as someone said. Depending on how long this social scene goes, I think you need to get to some action right away. But you‘ve made me care about this couple and I want to see what happens next! I really like the last two paragraphs, too. Well done!
oops, forgot to sign my name --
DeleteMaria (entry #1) @MariaCMcDaniel
Maria,
ReplyDeletePitch: What an interesting concept! It seems like there are so many plot possibilities in your idea. Quite intriguing. The question that came to my mind, though, is what are the stakes?
500 words: It makes sense that after only 2 weeks the boyfriend thing isn't a big deal, but is she worried about losing the friendship? It got a little confusing when the girls met up with the other teens. I didn't realize they were walking. I thought they were still in the parking lot. You went from her scanning the parking lot to describing the breakwall, then to the "end of the walk." I thought maybe it was the "walkway" and got confused for a moment. Maybe it was my misreading, but it may help to clarify.
I like the character of Darcie. She seems like she won't hold back. :)
You do a good job of sharing your MC's sense of dread over seeing Dave. I echo what some of the other people have said in their feedback that you may be starting in the wrong spot. Try reordering your first 500 words because it is confusing at times. You have good pieces in your story's start, but I think the key will be getting the order right so you don't lose the reader.
There are some concepts in your start that many readers could really relate with (friend zone, snobs you don't like, etc.) and the plot possibilities with body swapping is awesome! I'm excited to see a revision of your start. :)
PART ONE
ReplyDeleteHi there!
Any chance you ever posted material on AgentQueryConnect? I swear I saw your query letter at some point! I made a lot of comments and suggestions. Go ahead and use what you like or none at all. Totally up to you. I also broke this up into two replies because I exceeded the allowable word count :-)
Your Pitch:
Since this is YA, maybe you should mention Kelsey’s age? 16? 18? Since bodyswapping isn’t a word, maybe body-swapping? The premise is cute but the pitch is short by almost half. You can add a lot more words and I’d love more details. How about you add how Kelsey plans to stop the artist and what stands in her way?
Your First 500:
The opening line has a ton of time elements. Four, to be exact: (1) first weekend, (2) summer, (3) senior year, (4) two weeks. It’s too much to keep track of so early on. You can easily say: The summer before senior year, and my boyfriend of two weeks might break up with me. Also note, you are establishing first person POV, in what sounds like present tense. Though later on, it switches to past tense, so be mindful of that throughout your MS.
Dialogue tag here is a little lengthy. Suggest: “He’ll be here,” Darcie promised. I scanned the parking lot for Dave’s truck.
This confused me: “ At the end of the walk, a pile of large boulders in the water, and voices. “It’s just Kelsey and Darcie.” I ducked through the railing and stepped over lapping water to the first rock. Just Kelsey.” The reason I was confused is because I thought Kelsey was the MC of the story, and thus the POV in which I was reading. So…whose POV are we in? After reading it a couple of times, I realized the voices are the ones doing the talking…but I had to read it a couple of times, so please clarify this.
You can delete “out” in this sentence: “In front of us, the long concrete breakwall stretched into Caseville Harbor.” Out, up, and down are often words people use in their narrative that end up being redundant. Like “stood up.” Stood means you raise to standing. You don’t need to say up. “Sheila stood,” is enough. “Sheila stood up,” is redundant. Do you see? Same with “Stretched out.” Stretched implies extending out.
“At the end of the walk” – hmm, what “walk?” They are overlooking a parking lot and a break wall. What is the “walk?” A sidewalk?
After the MC identified Kelsey and Darcie (though I think MC=Kelsey), I am still having trouble placing their location. Now the MC is ducking through a railing (technically, she’d be ducking over or under the railing, not actually through it – so you many want to correct). I thought they were in a parking lot by a lake. Then folks are on rocks in water, so I would recommend that you paint a very clear picture of where they are in space.
“On the large center rock Queen Bree and her clone Cate perched like pink and blonde flamingoes in a flock of jocks and other seagulls.” At this point we’ve introduced 6 characters in only 158 words. It’s hard to keep track. As others have suggested, perhaps you can narrow this down - by half?
PART TWO
ReplyDelete“in a flock of jocks and other seagulls.” So, they are among jocks – as in athletes – and seagulls – as in birds? Or, are the seagulls their crew of friends? Can you clarify this?
Start a new paragraph/line here: “Hi all!” I forced confidence into my voice, and squeezed in on a rock with Darcie. Also, recommend “…and squeezed onto a rock with Darcie.” Or maybe, more appropriately, “balanced on a rock with Darcie."
This exchange doesn’t flow as well as it could: “One of the guys tilted a beer can in our direction. “Thanks,” I said, as Darcie held up her hand to decline. This was a mistake. What if Dave did let me down? The icy aluminum in my palm made me shiver.” There is no connection, that I can tell, between Darcie declining the beer and the MC making a mistake. I think you need a stronger transition between the action of the girls accepting the beer and the MC’s internal dialogue. You might try reordering to make it look like this:
One of the guys tilted a beer can in our direction.
“Thanks,” I said, as Darcie held up her hand to decline.
I squinted again at the parking lot, looking for Dave’s truck. What if Dave let me down? I shivered, and not because of the icy aluminum in my fist.
Of course, I don’t really know what you are trying to convey here so I’m just speculating and trying to give an example of physical action + internal thought + physical reaction.
Something I noticed, half way through, is that your dialogue tags frequently come with an action:
I pointed out, scrunching up my self-pedicured toenails in Parlez-Bleu Francais .
Darcie promised as I scanned the parking lot for Dave’s truck.
I said, as Darcie held up her hand to decline.
Darcie asked, looking Bree and Cate up and down.
Sometimes the flow and pacing can be improved just by saying “said” followed by action in a new sentence. Or, avoiding said entirely and just giving the action. Consider making that edit to some of these for flow.
Tighter phrasing: The girls rolled their eyes. But here, I don’t know which girls because there are so many in the scene. Maybe just indicate one.
Vanquish the adverb “slowly.” You don’t need it, especially since you talk about how Dave teaches the MC how to drink.
When you are talking about Dave teaching her how to drink, I am pretty sure you need to be in the past perfect tense, which means you need to use the word “had.” The convention is to use “had” in the first couple of sentences to establish past perfect and then switch back to past. Like this:
I sipped my beer, the way Dave had taught me at my first high school party.
“Just drink a sip or two,” he had said. “Hold it for a while, then put it down somewhere. You can do that all night long, and never get wasted.”
No matter how many beers I had abandoned, he always claimed I was buzzed when I tried to flirt with him. Always said he’d never take advantage of me…etc.
Your voice here toward the end is fabulous, BTW. Very strong!
Hi Maria!
ReplyDeletePitch: Very cool premise, but we don't know what's at stake if the villain succeeds. You might consider a structure like: "When a comic book artist manifests body swapping powers from his stories, sixteen-year-old Kelsey must do X before he exacts revenge on her boyfriend by doing Y." That gives us some sense of stakes, and may not ultimately work for your story, so play around with it!
500 Words:
I like the opening line. Then I proceed to get confused about her feelings on Dave the further I go. She says no biggie in the second line and then makes the acknowledgement about how they've been friends for years. Then there's the stuff about her letting him down, him letting her down, her proving him wrong, her proving him right ... and I'm confused. You've done good giving us snippets and not an entire backstory, but the snippets, for me anyway, lead to confusion and some frustration.
There's lots of conflict in these first two pages, which is great.
I echo the others' comments about the scene by the lake. There is some confusion with the number of named characters and the actions. One thing I wonder, if this is clearly the popular crowd at the lake, and Kelsey and Darcie aren't popular, then why would they join the crowd if Dave wasn't already there yet?
You received some really good advice above about possible technical issues above, so I'll try not to reiterate most of it. I've been shamed out of using dialog tags other than said or asked. Because you have action with almost all of your dialog tags, you should consider eliminating the tag and just using the action to let the reader know who is speaking.
One thing about this line: " The girls exchanged an eye-roll, but Darcie didn’t care. " This sort of head hops, because Kelsey can't possibly know that for sure. You could show Darcie's response to their eye roll, or this may be a good place to explain that while Kelsey knew Darcie didn't care, Kelsey was the one who was affected by it, either by embarrassment or whatever.
I like the explanation of the friends to more and the portrait of Dave being so protective of Kelsey. That makes us very sympathetic to him, even though we have no idea at this point how he really feels about her.
Good job!
Julie (#3)
Hello! :)
ReplyDeleteFor your pitch, I think everyone beat me to it: You have space left, so play with it. It started out strong and interesting, and then I was sad when there wasn't more. I love the idea of body-swapping and revenge, especially wince Dave has been good friends with Kelsey for so long and there's an emotional attachment there. I wanna know what this bad guy is gonna DO to Dave and how she can save him.
As someone who has started their MS in the wrong place and had to revise it, it's an annoying thing to consider. It's not the right advice for EVERYBODY but it's something to consider. At the end of the day, you know your MS better than anyone else. You know what's best for Kelsey and Dave, and if it's starting here, then it can be cleaned up.
Definitely lessen the number of people for sure. And ground us in the location. As other's have mention, it's convoluted and left too much to the reader's interpretation. I like imagining a space for myself, but I need to have some idea of what that space is like. (I'm guilty of this in my own entry.)
If this is the right place for you to start and you know that, it definitely can be fixed. I loved Kelsey's voice, and I think when the flow and dialogue tags are smoothed over, it will really keep the reader from falling out of her voice. This is a good start!!
-Mads
This intro starts out with some nice tension with Kelsey wondering if Dave is going to break up with her. Combined with the awkwardness of being at a party with people she doesn't seem too fond of and it paints a fantastic picture of the worst parts of teenage years.
ReplyDeleteBetween the first paragraph and the rest, there's a tense shift from present to past that threw me. Aside from that, these pages are great!
-Katherine (#17)
Thank you all for the great insight. Looking forward to seeing all our revisions!
ReplyDelete