Name: Maria Hossain (@logophile_maria)
Genre: High Fantasy
Title: A Serenade For The Bright Night
35 word pitch:
A princess’s quest for revenge jeopardizes her subject’s lives. A day laborer’s feelings for a prisoner sabotage his mission to save his dying brother. Millennium apart, their lives will interweave when humanity’s greatest threat strikes.
First 500 word:
Chapter 01: Prime Princess
When
I was born, my mother wished me dead. An ‘apaya’, she called me,
according to my midwife. Meaning “born ill-fated” in our ancestors’
ancient language. A proverb goes, “Wherever an apaya turns, a house
burns.”
“Get up, you apaya!”
The moment I hear it, I stiffen. Is it directed at me? I clutch Azibo’s hands in the impasse we’re hiding.
“Get up, apaya!”
I
cower, my self-respect withering. With it surfaces my fear of getting
caught. Have we been discovered? The stench of bovine entrails, fish
scales, and human urine in the alley make me nauseated. The dry loaves I
ate for breakfast threaten to come out. Sweat soaks my threadbare shift
to my skin.
“It’s not
you, love,” Azibo whispers. A kiss he places on my head. I sneak a
glance over my shoulder. On the street, a girl of about ten winters is
being lugged. Her shift too short, too tattered, too somber a view. Her
dark locks are tangled, bunched up in a man’s hands, the one dragging
her. Teeth gritted, he lifts her scrawny body and hands her to two
darkly clad men.
My father’s men.
My father, the king.
Sickle
swords are strapped on their belts, with baldrics of daggers across
their chest. A sight that terrified and prompted us to hide in this
impasse, behind piles of broken trash crates. Though my father
begrudgingly spared Azibo and me after my low marriage, we still must
evade his men to avoid trouble.
On
a mule few steps away from the guards is a sack. When the girl’s been
tied with bronze shackles and thrown over the mule, the man who was
dragging her lunges for it. A few tears on it reveal its content; flax
seed. From the look of it, it won’t last a fortnight, even for one
person.
The girl
struggles. The clinging fetters bruise her. “Father…” she whimpers. Her
greedy father doesn’t pay her any attention. He’s busy with the sack.
This
has been going on the Island ever since my father ascended the throne.
Parents selling off their children, husbands using wives as harlots, all
for a mouthful of food. Once cannibalism occurred in the slum outside
the border walls. Back then I wasn’t the slum’s resident.
“That’s
enough, love. Please.” Azibo turns me away. Unlike the girl, my scruffy
shift reaches my knees. It used to be Azibo’s. I altered it to look
more feminine. After all, sewing, weaving and spinning are my only
talents, and means of livelihood.
“I’m
fine.” My trembling voice gives away. If I wasn’t born as the Prime
Princess, rather impoverished like that poor girl, my father would’ve
sold me off too. Even though my father, king of the Meridian Island, was
the one who dubbed me with the title. In our state, the largest in the
Pantheon, the heir apparent are called Prime Prince. I used to be the
only Prime Princess in history.
Hi Maria,
ReplyDeletePitch: Wow, the first two sentences of your pitch are great! I stumble on the last bit though, the reference to "humanity's greatest threat." Often, it's more relatable to us to have personal stakes and not the world-ending kind, which the language seems to imply. Otherwise, I love the idea of the two stories at different points in time winding together to create an event of some sort.
500 words:
Your first line is awesome! The rest of the first paragraph is a bit cluttered and I would prefer something like the first line in its own paragraph. The clause "according to my midwife" seems out of place in the sentence and is confusing. (is the MC pregnant? Is she referring to her mother's midwife? Is nurse, perhaps, a better term if the midwife went on to take care of the MC?). I think "impasse" may not be the word you want to use either, as impasse means a situation where no progress is possible, as opposed to a physical place someone can hide.
There's some telling you could easily address, example: switch out "make me nauseated" for descriptions of a twisting stomach or bile rushing to the back of her throat. Also, try to avoid the passive voice: is being lugged, was dragging her, has been going on are all examples of things I saw.
Otherwise, a very haunting and tragic first image. Well done!
Julie (#3)
Maria,
ReplyDeleteI love the story behind the pitch! Especially two characters stories interweaving. It sounds so interesting. I don't know if it was the space or the letter style but it was a little difficult to read through. A little jumbled. Maybe a readable website might help, or reading it out loud for better flow. I love the idea of revenge! My story is about that too haha. And I think I'm always down for a royal MC, thought goodness her family sounds horrible! Her husbands name is (to me) a little difficult to read so that causes a a break in flow for me, while reading. Plus I would love a bit more info on him. He seems to be there with her in the action and says things, but she doesn't really mention much about him. She'd have to deeply care about him to have married him without approval, I think? Great story though, sounds so interesting!
Hey Maria!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, this isn't really my genre, so ignore my comments if it's just a genre thing!
The Pitch:
I like the first two lines. They clearly outline the struggles over the two (presumably) POV characters in an intriguing way. I’m a little lost in the third phrase. My big questions are how will their lives interweave with such a time span apart, and what is humanity’s greatest threat? I know in a pitch (especially a 35-word pitch) you’re supposed to create mystery, but the ambiguity about those two questions didn’t intrigue me. It left me kind of “meh.” And two tiny things: Should be “sabotages”? “Millennia”? Or “A millennium”?
The words:
Great first line!
Lose me after. I think if you take out the explanation of what “apaya” means and just go straight into the proverb, it’d flow better. The definition brings you out and the proverb says all it needs to about what the word means.
I’d take out all the questions. “Is it directed at me?” “Have we been discovered?” etc. You want your readers to be asking these questions (and we are!) not telling them to wonder.
Your sentences are too abrupt. I’d combine some to make it flow more smoothly.
I like your sentence about her father, but I think it’s more powerful if you switch it – “The king’s men. The king, my father.”
You need a comma between “Once” and “cannibalism”, I think, or else I don’t get it.
I would reword these sentences: “If I wasn’t born as the Prime Princess, rather impoverished like that poor girl, my father would’ve sold me off too. Even though my father, king of the Meridian Island, was the one who dubbed me with the title. In our state, the largest in the Pantheon, the heir apparent are called Prime Prince. I used to be the only Prime Princess in history.” – I would suggest something like, “My father gave me the title Prime Princess when I was born, the heir apparent. Usually the Prime Prince, I was the only Prime Princess in history. But if I had been born impoverished like that poor girl, instead of the royalty I was, my father would’ve sold me off, too.” But, you know, better.
Nice start. It makes me curious about what happened to her to break off from her family, about her marriage at a seemingly young age, and about the world she lives in.
Thanks for sharing!
Averill (#11)
Hi Maria!
ReplyDeletePITCH:
Immediately upon reading your pitch, I already want to know more, so that's great! I'd love to get a stronger feel for how the main conflict ties into the characters' personal stakes, but the word count is, of course, limited. And perhaps the personal stakes aren't as important in this kind of high fantasy. The only other thing I'd say is that I agree with Averill about "millennium". I wasn't sure if you meant millennia or a single a millennium. You've definitely done a great job of getting the the hook and conflict down (though I think it could be even stronger if you said what the "greatest threat" was).
FIRST 500:
I love your first line! Was this piece critiqued elsewhere? Because I remember seeing your first few lines somewhere before. The fact that they've stuck with me says a lot!
I think your first 500 words do a great job of starting to build a picture of the world, which is important in fantasy. And I love that the picture I'm getting is of the society and what life is like for the people there, since most fantasy openings (including my own) focus more on the physical description of the setting, which is often less important. Having said that, I would still love to see some mentions of the physical surroundings woven in to make the image even stronger. Right now I have no idea if this is a world based on medieval Europe, ancient Arabia, fantasy Antarctica, an entirely new creation etc.
Not sure I have much more to say than what's already been said. I think this passage could do with rewording to remove some of the instances of 'her':
"Her shift too short, too tattered, too somber a view. Her dark locks are tangled, bunched up in a man’s hands, the one dragging her. Teeth gritted, he lifts her scrawny body and hands her to two darkly clad men."
I'd also love to see the MC's name, especially as we don't get it in the pitch. I find it easier to build a connection with a named character. Perhaps her husband could address her by name in one of the dialogue lines?
All in all, I think you've created a very captivating image here :) I can already tell this will be a very enthralling story!
Hi Maria!!
ReplyDeleteI love your pitch!! Good way to interweave two POVs. I've never tried that so I can't help much there.
Good first line! The second two can be combined though: "An ‘apaya’, she called me, according to my midwife, meaning “born ill-fated” in our ancestors’ ancient language." Or start the third with "It meant," to help with smoother flow. Either way works. Right now its just a touch choppy.
I think you should give us a bit of scenery or something the Princess it doing before someone shouts for the apaya. We don't know what's going on until a bit later, so if you tell us where the MC is, it's easier to picture what's going on.
Your prose are GREAT! Just the ordering of a few sentences should be altered.
"A kiss he places on my head." read incomplete. Should be "He places a kiss on my head."
"Her dark locks are tangled, bunched up in a man’s hands, the one dragging her." is awkward too. Try rewording that one in your own way :)
Also, there's a lot of focus on the girl being sold. Whereas, your main character, who you mention is supposed to be in hiding, is seemingly standing around and watching. Have her and (I'm assuming) husband duck somewhere or somehow get blocked by a guard so we know what's going on with her.
"A sight that terrified and prompted us to hide..." who's us? Her and her husband? Her and the girl and her husband? The people there? "my low marriage" should be "our"
Also, a few of these lines are passive. After the fact, but in present tense. "When she's been tied..." "the moment I hear..." if you're using present tense look for moments to just say "I hear" and "she's tied."
The line about being bruised doesn't work since bruises form over time so they couldn't leave the marks instantly.
"This has been going on the Island ever since my father ascended the throne." it tells us her father is the problem with this, but not why. Taxes? Slavery? Just overall struggle? There are a lot of hints about the stressed relationship between the princess and her family, but since nothing is fleshed out yet enough, it's okay to cut back on a few since we understand.
"Unlike the girl, my scruffy shift reaches my knees." how is this important and how does she feel?
You mention her father would sell her off too, giving us the idea he's rather cruel, despite his king position. That's good, except the next lines say she's been given a royal title, despite being in the slums, which is contradictory. I think until we know why she's been left out to basically starve in a smelly alleyway with her husband, we don't need to know about her title, because we already know her father is the king.
I've said it before, but you have the voice and world feel of Sabaa Tahir. It's great! just watch the early parts of info hint drops to make sure its clear for the readers. Also passive lines that explain what happened as if it already did and we're being told later. Beta readers are good for this.
Hope this helps! :D
Bethany
Hi Maria -
ReplyDeleteCaveat that High Fantasy is not my genre, so grain of salt :-).
PITCH:
The pitch is intriguing - I'm wondering how people millennium apart intertwine.
500 WORDS:
Interesting opening. I think it should the "the midwife" instead of "my midwife" (technically it's her mother's midwife).
"in the impasse we're hiding" doesn't read correctly. I think you mean something like "in the alleyway where we lay hidden."
The second spoken line needs more description. "Get up, apaya!" the snarling voice repeats.(or something like that). Also at this you still can't tell if the person is talking to her.
not sure you need "human" with "urine"
"make me nauseated" would be better as "nauseate me".
"dry loaves I ate for breakfast" - that would be a lot of bread to eat. Maybe just "loaf"
strange tense: A kiss he places on my head.
would change "impasse" again here: "hide in this impasse"
I'd change "broken trash crates" to just "broken crates".
I think this line is missing a word: "On a mule A few steps away from the guards is a sack." And is seems overly passive. Maybe "A few steps away from the guards, a sack hangs from a mule's harness."
Reads awkwardly: "This has been going on the Island ever since my father ascended the throne". perhaps "This has been happening on the Island ..."
Overall an interesting start. I definitely want to know why the prime princess chose to live in abject poverty.
Good luck with PitchWars!
Keli (#8)
Hi Maria,
ReplyDeletePitch: I love the reference to two worlds interweaving in your premise. I think you can tighten your pitch to make it pop. Perhaps change "jeopardizes" to something stronger. Also what is humanity's greatest threat? It's too big and undefined, hone it and make it sharper.
500 words: Your first like is great. I suggest let it stand alone by creating a paragraph break to start the next section about apaya.
Such as:
When I was born, my mother wished me dead.
An 'apaya'.........
Perhaps, you could rearrange the sentence to something like: According to my mother's midwife,..... To make it clearer who's midwife is talking.
I like that we get a view of the conditions of life in this opening. There are a few confusing lines that have already been mentioned above.
Overall, a great start to a very interesting story.
Elizabeth
Hello! Thank you so much for entering #YayYA! :D
ReplyDeletePitch: Great pitch. If there's anyway to weave in a bit of your cultural world building to demonstrate it's not just another pseudo-British fantasy princess story, it'd be even stronger.
First 500: Your main character feels very real. I also am intrigued by the fact she's married because historically, for a YA age character, that was more likely than not, and I want to see how that works for her.
i would like to know what drove everyone to this point, and how your MC is where she's at. Is she in disguise or actually poor? Why is she there with her husband? Are they hiding? These are details that aren't present that are probably needed sooner rather than later. Even one sentence pointing to this can help change that! It will help us connect even more with your main character, who already is bouncing off the page. I can feel her emotion. Excellent. Show me what she's up to :)
I'd also watch for filtering and the words "be," "are," and "was." They may seem hard to cut but they can actually streamline present tense first person a lot more. Hope that helps!!
ReplyDeleteHi Maria!
You’ve gotten some great detailed feedback already which I think will help you fix the small issues - it’s hard to know what I can add.
I agree with others about adding your MC’s name to the pitch and first page.
As everyone said, your opening line is great! The next few sentences don’t flow as well, as others noted. Averill mentioned you might not need the description before the quote. She might be right— it’s something to consider.
Another idea would be to re-word something like this:
When I was born, my mother wished me dead. According to her midwife, she called me, “apaya,” meaning, “born ill-fated”.
A proverb goes, “Wherever an apaya turns, a house burns.”
I agree with others that a line about where she’s standing would help, before the “Get up, you apaya!”
Agree with others than you don’t need “Is it directed at me?” I stiffen and clutch Azibo’s hands communicate very well that she’s afraid, and we assume the apaya is her. If you take out the question, maybe the two sentences need to be combined or something, as there will be too many sentences in a row beginning with I.
I love the line, I cower, my self-respect withering. You have a lot of powerful imagery on this page and it sounds like a great story. Best of luck with this!
Maria (#1) @MariaCMcDaniel
Hi Maria!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this pitch and excerpt! Since we swapped queries, it's neat for me to see how your plot is brought to life! You've got some great world building details here, and a fascinating main character; all it needs is a little tweaking to bring it to life.
35 words: Your first two sentences are very dynamic. I like the sharpness and the parallel between your two main characters. For jeopardizes, maybe substitute "risks' or "endangers"? The third sentence could use a little tweaking. Maybe specify the Void instead of "humanity's greatest threat"--it might sound less over the top?
500 words As others have said, I love the first line. I would substitute nurse for midwife, which doesn't seem to refer to someone who sticks around after the birth. And did the mother die when the princess was young? Otherwise, why did the midwife have to tell her about her nickname? Wouldn't she just remember it?
"The stench of bovine entrails, fish scales, and human urine in the alley make me nauseated." Really vivid imagery! I can really imagine it (and yuck). "Sweat soaks my threadbare shift to my skin." I don't think you need "to my skin"--it comes off as a little cliche.
"It’s not you, love,” Azibo whispers. A kiss he places on my head." The second sentence is a little awkward. Maybe combine the two sentences, and make Azibo the subject of the second one, not "a kiss."
You don't describe the man who is dragging the girl down the street. Is he dressed the same as the darkly clad men? Does she resist him at all, kick him, yell, or has she gone completely placid, her spirit worn out? You can let her stand in for the people the king has oppressed.
"Once cannibalism occurred in the slum outside the border walls. Back then I wasn’t the slum’s resident." I really want more details on this. Maybe she should say something like "at least we aren't that bad off right now."
"My trembling voice gives away." I think you want "gives me away."
I am a little confused as to how different the princess's lot is from this girl's. It sounds like she is just barely scraping by, because she married a commoner? And how is it her father permitted that, if she's the only Prime Princess? It's an intriguing paradox, although a little confusing, too.
Thank you so much for sharing this excerpt. I see a lot of promising world building here, and am really curious about this disenfranchised, impoverished princess, and how the two storylines will weave together. The imagery is great, and I think it just takes a few tweaks to the phrasing to make the prose really shine.
Good luck!
Kimberly #4
Pitch:
ReplyDeleteInitial reaction: This book sounds intense and like some really amazing stuff is going to happen. I like your strong word choice with jeopardizes, sabotage, interweave. I also like the simple “Millennium apart” phrase. It quickly makes it clear these two stories are not necessarily taking place at the same time, which from the start I was thinking, “These sound like two entirely separate storylines” so this phrase reassured me that they were, in fact, connected somehow.
500 words:
I feel like there is a lot going on which makes it a little hard to follow. Almost as if you are trying to cram too many details or backstory into how this world functions into a short amount of space. It is a bit overwhelming.Some of the descriptions are choppy and/or pull me from the action that is unfolding with the young girl. I am intrigued and want to know more but I had to read your excerpt 2 times to be clear I knew what was going on.
“This has been going on the Island ever since my father ascended the throne. Parents selling off their children, husbands using wives as harlots, all for a mouthful of food. Once cannibalism occurred in the slum outside the border walls. Back then I wasn’t the slum’s resident.” I think this is a good snapshot for the reader of the society in its current state. It’s to the point but you also understand that she is connected to the King in someway and that things have taken a turn.
Also, I agree with Averill about the apaya issue. It did kind of pull me out of the story.
I’m definitely intrigued and want to know what caused the rift between her and her father. I’d absolutely keep reading to find out.
Jackie (#5)