Friday, June 23, 2017

2017 #YayYA Entry #7: Daughters of the Dragon

Name: Elizabeth Chang-Gibson @ewgibson
Genre: YA Fantasy
Title: DAUGHTERS OF THE DRAGON
35 word Pitch:
In a world where Chinese fairytales are real, Sara, a sixteen-year-old artist, trades her brushes for a sword to save her little sister from a sorceress hell-bent on eating souls to feed her magical powers.
First 500:

Sara
"A heavenly spirit rides on the back of the white crane, carrying secret messages from the world where butterflies dream." ~ Apoism #28
  
I’d waited five years for a message from my dead mother. Now that I had it, I wished to God I could send it back.
Huddled under the covers, I rocked my firefly lighter back and forth to the drone of the rain hitting the roof. Once again, a nightmare had yanked me from my sleep. A nightly occurrence since I lost my parents. After waking, I’d hunch over my book of dreams, and with the stub of my charcoal stick, I’d gouge black shapes into the paper to banish the demons.
This time, when I opened my book, I found something I hadn’t drawn. The blast of my lighter illuminated my mother’s chop—her signature seal in Chinese characters—stamped on the bottom left corner of my book.
Grandma Apo had cautioned that our Chinese ancestors always returned in some form. Their souls redressed and then booted out the door to live again. “Don’t step on the cockroach,” she would warn me. “It could be your thieving great uncle, Feng.” But no amount of forewarning could’ve prepared me for the sight of my mother’s calligraphy.
The chop bloomed as red as the tide that turns the ocean the color of blood. Above it, six stacked horizontal lines, dressed in the blackest of ink, stood like a legion of soldiers in formation. Was this the written language of the dead? Simple lines and no words.
In the distance, thunder rumbled like a wounded animal.
“Sara.” Jaz, my five-year-old sister, cried out in her sleep.
I rolled over and cradled her in my arms. “Shhhhh. We’re okay, monkey face.”
Her tiny body trembled and it wouldn’t stop until the thunder disappeared. “I hate thunder. It makes everything dark,” she said.
 I lit the lantern sitting on the table next to the bed. Then I finger combed her sweat-soaked bangs from her eyes. “Remember the puppet master’s story about his shadow puppets, the sun, and the moon. Well, this morning, the sun is late chasing his wife, the moon. He’s probably napping under a blanket of clouds. As you should be.”
She sat up and puffed herself up as big she could. “I’m not a baby.”
“That’s a relief. Now I can go back to sleep while you light the kang stove with fresh dung cakes. Don’t forget the congee this morning. And remember, I like green onions in my porridge. Then you can help in the rice fields today. ” I lay back on the bed, wishing she would do the same. She was in such a rush to grow up and I wanted her little forever. More precisely, I wanted her ignorant of the monster inside me.
“I have to tell you what I saw,” she said with a tiny pout.
“You can tell me your dream later. After you wake up.”
“But…
35 word Pitch:
In an ancient China that never was, sixteen-year-old artist, Shala trades her brushes for a sword to save her little sister from a sorceress hell-bent on eating souls to feed her magical powers.
First 500 Words:
CHAPTER ONE
Shala
"A heavenly spirit rides on the back of the white crane, carrying secret messages from the world where butterflies dream." ~ Apoism #28


For five years, I have waited for a message from my dead mother. Now that I had it, I wished to all the gods I could send it back.
Huddled under the covers, I rocked my firefly lantern back and forth to the drone of the rain hitting the roof. The motion agitated the fireflies and they reacted by flashing a cold light inside the transparent silk container. Every night since I lost my parents, a nightmare would yank me from a deep slumber. Bleary-eyed, I’d hunch over my book of dreams, and with the stub of my charcoal stick, I’d gouge black shapes into the paper to banish the demons.
This time, when I opened the book, I found something I hadn’t drawn. The blast from my lantern illuminated mother’s chop—her signature seal in Chinese characters—stamped on the bottom left corner of the page.
Grandma Apo had cautioned that our ancestors always returned in some form. Their souls redressed in new skins and then booted out the ten courts of hell. “Don’t step on the cockroach,” she would warn me. “It could be your thieving great uncle, Feng.” But no amount of forewarning could’ve prepared me for the sight of my mother’s calligraphy.
The chop bloomed as red as the algae that bleeds the ocean the color of blood. Above it, six stacked horizontal lines, dressed in the blackest of ink, stood like a legion of soldiers in formation. Was this the written language of the dead? Simple lines and no words.
In the distance, thunder rumbled like a wounded animal.
“Shala!” Jaz, my five-year-old sister, cried out. When our parents died, she was barely a month old. Since then, my sole concerned was protecting her.
I rolled over in our shared bed and cradled her in my arms. “Shhhhh. We’re okay, monkey face.”
Her tiny body trembled against me. “I hate thunder. It makes everything dark,” she said.
I rocked the lantern and handed it to her. The glow from the light brightened her face now full of smiles. Then I finger combed her sweat-soaked bangs from her eyes. “Remember the puppet master’s story about his shadow puppets, the sun, and the moon. Well, this morning, the sun is late chasing his wife, the moon. He’s probably napping under a blanket of clouds. As you should be.”
She sat up and puffed herself up as big she could. “I’m not a baby.”
Covering my mouth, I stifled a laugh. “That’s a relief.” I pinched her nose. “Now I can go back to sleep while you light the kang stove and use fresh dung cakes. Don’t forget the congee this morning. And remember, I like green onions in my rice porridge. Then you can work the rice fields today. ” I lay back on the bed, wishing she would do the same. She was in such a rush to grow up and I wanted her little forever. More precisely, I wanted her ignorant of the monster inside me.
“I have to tell you what I saw,” she said with a tiny pout.
“You can tell me your dream later. After you wake up.”

“But…

13 comments:

  1. Hi Elizabeth! Thanks so much for sharing this excerpt of DAUGHTERS OF THE DRAGON with us!

    First, the things I loved. Your pitch is wonderful. It clearly states your setting, main character, inciting incident, and stakes in a clear manner. The only suggestion I really have here is switching the phrase “Sara, a sixteen-year-old artist,” to “sixteen-year-old artist Sara” so that it flows better. Content wise, I think it’s great and does what it needs to do in a small amount of space.

    Next, I am in love with your first love. Like literally in love. Right off the bat, it gives a reader a sense of the kind of fantastical world they’re dealing with while introducing an air of mystery. However, I’m a little confused about the tense. The “I’d waited” is obviously past tense, but when she says, “Now that I had it” it seemed we had switched to present tense. Consider re-wording that to make it clearer which tense you’re going with.

    The fragment “A nightly occurrence since I lost my parents” feels a little choppy in its current state. Consider combining it with the sentence before to flow better. I’m confused by what the line “Their souls redressed and then booted out the door to live again.” Actually means. I think the passage reads just fine without this fragment, especially since you have such a strong quote from Grandma Apo.

    Is the “ocean the color of blood” a reference to your worldbuilding? If so, leave it in. If not, look at this metaphor again because the ocean isn’t something we associate with the color of blood, so it feels like a strange comparison and took me out of the writing while I was trying to figure it out.

    I loved everything about Jaz. What a little cutie. I think a mention to the fact the sisters are sleeping next to each other would b a good way to place the reader in the scene and give them a sense of the physical space around Sara. I didn’t realize at first that Jaz was literally sleeping in the same bed.

    This is minor, but the lay in “I lay back on the bed” should be in past tense.

    Overall, this story is off to a really strong start! I can’t wait to read more of it someday. :D



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  2. Hi Elizabeth,

    Pitch: Ooh, nice stakes. Personally, I’m not a big fan of the "in a world where..." setup (reminds me of that holiday movie with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet where they switch houses). Anyway, my point is I don't think you need it if you want to use the words for something else. But you've got the language down and it does work!

    500 words:
    Killer first lines. Is this a contemporary or more historical/high fantasy? I can't entirely tell from the passage, and I wonder if the reference to God in paragraph 1 is more of a current, almost slangy reference we sometimes hear today or if it is used more reverently.

    For consistency purposes, it's noted that Jaz is 5 years old and that Sara has been waiting for 5 years for a sign from her dead mother. Which would lead me to believe the mother died in childbirth except there's a mention that both parents were lost (as if they died at the same time). Just want to make sure the timeline works.

    I love the paragraph about Grandma Apo!

    Great start, with nice hints about more fantastical elements to come. I'd definitely read more.

    Julie (#3)

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  3. Hi Elizabeth!

    Overall, this is really interesting and I would def keep reading (and I don't read or write fantasy, so that is saying something!)

    PITCH: Agree with comment above - change to "16-year-old artist Sara"

    SAMPLE: Your first line is killer. Love it.

    Noted above that I don't read much fantasy, but I am thrown by the immediate mention of the "firefly lighter". Can some explanation be incorporated into this line?

    Throughout see if you can drop some of the "my" repetition.
    E.g.
    "Once again, a nightmare had yanked me from MY sleep"
    could easily become
    "Once again, a nightmare had yanked me from sleep."

    The tense is a little unclear in the first few paragraphs.

    In these two lines: "... returned in some form. Their souls redressed ..." I think you could change the period to a comma to combine these.
    "... returned in some form, their souls redressed ..."

    I did get the "red tide" reference, but one of your readers above didn't

    These two sentences could be combined for better flow (and you can drop a repetitive "I" and "her"): "I lit the lantern sitting on the table next to the bed, THEN finger combed THE sweat-soaked bangs from her eyes."

    I assume in these lines she is teasing her little sister, but I can't quite tell:
    “That’s a relief. Now I can go back to sleep while you light the kang stove with fresh dung cakes. Don’t forget the congee this morning. And remember, I like green onions in my porridge. Then you can help in the rice fields today.” I lay back on the bed, wishing she would do the same.

    Maybe add a little more description to solidify the teasing? something like:
    “That’s a relief," I said, lightly poking her in the tummy until a giggle escaped. "Now I can go back to sleep while you light the kang stove with fresh dung cakes. Don’t forget the congee this morning. And remember, I like green onions in my porridge. Then you can help in the rice fields today.” I lay back on the bed with a smile, wishing she would do the same.


    Overall nicely done!

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  4. Hi Elizabeth!

    First off, this isn't really my genre, so ignore my comments if it's just a genre thing!

    The Pitch:
    Intriguing. I think you can take out the biographical details (name, age) and it gives you a few more words to expand upon the premise. Like, why is her little sister in danger? Is the sorceress from a Chinese fairytale? What are her magical powers?
    Love, love, love the line "...trades her brushes for a sword..."

    The words:
    I don't know what "Apoism" is, and Googling it just confused me more. But the quote is beautiful. It looks like it's all from Chinese mythology, so I don't know that we NEED to know. I'm willing to just pass by it, but if you want the reader to know, I'm just saying I don't.
    I love the first lines! However, it's hard to have the very first word be in past perfect. (I'd waited = I had waited) I see why it's necessary, but it's hard/awkward to read.
    I have a hard time picturing what the "firefly lighter" is, and therefore, how it can rock. Is it like a cigarette lighter? A lantern? A flashlight (since she's under the covers)?
    Again, the past perfect makes this paragraph hard to read. Bouncing back and forth between the two pasts is jarring. Usually, the rule of thumb is to use "had" once at first, indicating the rest is in the same past perfect tense, but you keep switching back and forth, which is hard to read. Weird suggestion that'd be a big change: If you're switching so much between the pasts, can you make the main tense the present and then use the past participle?
    If Jaz is crying out, maybe use an exclamation point in her dialogue?
    I realize now, at the end of your 500 words, that the two pasts are really only in that opening few paragraphs, so maybe just smooth that out and you'll be golden!
    Very intrigued by the "monster inside me" comment. Nice to weave that in.

    I would definitely keep reading this. The only real "problem" in these 500 words is the tense bouncing, but the rest is well-written and interesting.

    Thanks for sharing!
    Averill (#11)

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  5. Elizabeth,

    Oohh, this sounds so good! I think the pitch works great, with clear stakes and just enough info. I love the first line, too. I think it is interesting enough for a reader to read on and exciting. I think it would help to add a bit more about the sleeping space, build it up a little, and mention the sister sleeping nearby earlier. I love the part from her grandmother, not smashing the cockroach. That is so good! The phrase finger combed her hair, I didn't care for so much. I think "brushed" or anything similar would work better. Good luck with the rest of your story. It sounds great!

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  6. Hi Elizabeth!

    Interesting concept!! But since this is fantasy and I'm assuming its in another world, I don't think you need to state the Chinese fairytales are real. If it was set in our world, and she learns the fairytales are real, that'd make sense. Maybe mention its based off Chinse Fairytales instead.

    I LOVE your first two opening lines. Hooks us off the bat!!

    I'd like to know a bit about what a firefly stick is. And are the demons her dreams or are there actual demons in her dreams? Maybe say, "the demons that my nightmares were made of..." or word it in your own way :D

    I like the lines about the grandma. However, mentioning the dead as Chinese Ancestors makes it sound like she has other kinds of ancestors in her family line. If that's not the case, might want to cut the Chinese line, since its understood this time.

    I'm assuming the sisters are in the same bed, since all Sara does is roll over to hug Jaz, so maybe have the line, trembled, changed to trembled against me, to help clarify without telling.

    I love the story about the puppet master. Tells us about this world and gives us a glimpse into your culture! Well done!

    The line about "the monster inside me" is awesome, but it does throw us out of the story right now since we're still getting used to the dead mother's message and the stories. It also doesn't quite fit in everything yet, so maybe save it for later or give a hint about what this means.

    I'd definitely keep reading, you have me hooked! Such a unique setting, character, and world that you've captured in small ways early on, way to go!

    Hope this helps! :D

    Bethany

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  7. Hi Elizabeth!

    PITCH:
    I don't think I have much to say regarding this pitch, it's great! It has everything I'd want to know: character, stakes, conflict, mystery. Only thing I'd note is that I agree with the comments on changing it to "16-year-old artist Sara" so it reads smoother.

    FIRST 500:
    Amazing first lines! I think it would be pretty much impossible for anyone as curious as me to put your book down after that. What's even better is that the rest of your passage is just as good as the opening. You tell me just enough for me to understand the story and withhold enough to keep me hooked. I wish I could have kept reading!

    I think anything I would have commented on has already been said in the rest of the amazing critiques, so I'm not sure I have any advice to offer. Really sorry I couldn't be more helpful! This is a really great opening though—great introduction to the character and the setting, as well as the initial tension.

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  8. Hello!! Thank you so much for entering #YayYA!

    Pitch: Very good. I actually disagree with the others... leave it as sixteen-year-old. This was the rule of thumb given to me by a couple of agents (Whitley Abell and Clelia Gore). Unless of course you're pitching in #PitMad and need extra space for characters :)

    First 500: What I'd like to know: where are we? Doesn't have to be answered explicitly, but I don't really gather what era or place this is other than that they're using a fire to heat their space. Again, don't answer this explicitly, but maybe hint at it a little. I'm guessing it's not our time, since your genre is just fantasy and not contemporary fantasy, but just checking :)

    Your writing has strong voice and I'm a big fan of sister stories. I really don't have too much to criticize you on. You're going to go far with this!!

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  9. Hi Elizabeth!

    Thank you for sharing your story with us! I'm so intrigued by it!

    35 word pitch: I love, love, love your pitch! The only part I would change is the part about "In a world where Chinese fairytales are true." It sounds too much like a movie trailer. Maybe you could say use it sort of like comps--Chinese fairy tale meets urban fantasy, something like that? (Just an example; you know your genre better than I.)

    500 words: These are really engaging. i love how Sara is all spooked from her own dream, but still finds it in her to comfort her little sister. That's the sort of detail I think really gets readers to relate to your character, even if she comes from an unfamiliar fantasy world. (As an aside, I love that your stakes are more personal. I want to see more fantasy that deals with personal stakes rather than saving the world.)

    I did have a little difficulty telling what sort of world this story took place in. The lighter makes it feel more contemporary, but your pitch made it feel more like a secondary world. Is this like an alternate reality, the same as our but with demons and sorceresses, or is this a made up world that is culturally Chinese, in much the way Middle Earth is culturally English? What is the level of technology here?

    "She was in such a rush to grow up and I wanted her little forever. More precisely, I wanted her ignorant of the monster inside me." I loved this!

    I really don't have a lot of suggestions to make. I think the relationship is great, the world-building is intriguing, and your voice is really strong.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's really great already, and my questions really stem from how much you've piqued my curiosity. Can't wait to read more!

    Good luck!

    Kimberly #4

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  10. Hi Elizabeth!

    First let me say I love this opening. I believe you were in Pitch Madness (?), and I read your entry then. Very memorable.

    Pitch: Could you say, In ancient China, … (or whenever the period is). I think “In a world” might be too cliche because of all the movie trailers that start like this.

    First 500 - love the language and descriptions. Agree with others to explain what the firefly lighter is. Agree that you don’t need Chinese ancestors - just ancestors. Love what Grandma Apo says.

    I also get the red tide reference, but maybe, “as red as the tide of (algae/plankton?) that turns the ocean the color of blood (in summer?).

    I love the sister’s interaction, it makes me care right away about the two of them.

    Anything else I could say has already been said. Great set up, love your writing. I'll definitely read it when it comes out! ;) Best of luck!

    Maria (#1) @MariaCMcDaniel

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  11. Pitch:
    A lot of info but not too wordy-nicely done. I feel like I know exactly what I’m going to be getting into with this story...and I’m intrigued to find out what happens.

    500 words:
    Great opening line about the message from her dead mother. Pulled me right in.

    Your writing flows wonderfully. I like how you stay focused on this moment but are still able to slip in a little backstory on your MC’s current situation and some of the beliefs of her family. Well balanced descriptions throughout (not overly descriptive or wordy but you give just enough).

    “More precisely, I wanted her ignorant of the monster inside me.” Love this line. Really makes me want to find out what’s going on with her.

    Honestly, I have no major critiques, which I know is not very helpful. I think this is fantastic writing! My only question is, when can I read more? :)

    Jackie (#5)

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  12. Hey, Elizabeth. First of all, I'm not at all good at line editing and critiquing so I'm refraining myself from line critiquing. My feedback will be in overall excerpt.

    Pitch:
    As all the others before me, I love your pitch. Shows the protagonist, stakes, consequences and even adds a bit of voice. But I don't think you need the "In a world where fairy tales are real" part simply because it's more suitable for movie stuff than book pitching. Since this is fantasy, anything is possible. Try "Inspired by Chinese fairy tales" or "In ancient China". Otherwise great pitch!

    500 words:

    Killer first lines. Loved it. But I'm not exactly a fan of starting a book with a quote. I immediately go to the chapters.

    Anyway, the excerpt has great promises. We can see Sara's sister, know about her mother. This story has a Mulan side to it and I love this.

    I don't understand the line "The chop bloomed as red as the tide that turns the ocean the color of blood." Not getting the simile.

    Also there were a few things non Asian readers won't get like "firefly lighter", " kang stove" and "congee". Might wanna explain them.

    Otherwise, very very polished and strong opening. This'll capture some mentors battling for it for sure ;)

    Best of luck <3

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  13. Great edits, Elizabeth! I'd love to read more, if you ever need a beta reader or broader critique!

    Julie (#3)

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