Friday, June 23, 2017

2017 #YayYA Entry #3: Reign of Thorns

Name: Julie Ferguson (@actuaryjulie)

Genre: Historical Fantasy

Title: REIGN OF THORNS


35-word pitch:
When Val leads the next excursion to wake the princess, best friend Ilycia and brother Emeric must work past their differences to help Val succeed. If not, they lose Val and the kingdom remains cursed.
First 500 words:

They have to think you're a boy.
My best friend Val's warnings echoed in my head whenever I postured in front of the target. I silently chanted the directions he'd drilled into me: Don't talk, Leesh. Pin your shoulders back. Widen your stance. They kept me from fiddling with the mask that rubbed against my skin, the hood pinned to my too-tight braid.
Only my pants and tunic were comfortable. The leathers I'd found in my brother Issac's things were large enough to have belonged to Papa, but it wasn't like I could ask what they were or who had owned them. I'd no idea what animal could have provided such a skin: the fabric was light and breathable with a slight stretch. While I could penetrate its surface with a needle, it seemed to reject the skim from a knife blade. For months, I'd risen at first light to alter the pants until I could take a step without tripping over the hem. The tent-like tunic now stretched into a hooded top fitted enough not to hamper my throws, but not so tight to hint at the curves of my body.
Mama would've wished herself dead all over again if she could see seventeen-year-old Ilycia, her eldest daughter, parading outside of taverns in the middle of the night wearing breeches. But propriety wasn't a concern I could afford. I had sisters and a grandmother and an invalid father to feed.
By the time Val and I happened upon the tavern near the eastern quadrant outskirts of Forfaite, it was well after midnight and a full moon gleamed overhead. But the drinkers stumbled outside after word of my arrival grew.
"C'est la Marque!" they whispered amongst themselves.
That was me. The Mark.
My competitors waited their turn beside me. The bar patrons called the man on my right Gustave. Reeking of whiskey and old meat, he cramped my space with a greasy girth. Disgusting, and the exact opponent I wanted: too drunk to look close. To remember.
The same couldn't be said for D'arcy, the man on my left. His height and sharp eyes intimidated me less than the deep red of his tunic. Armed forces, no doubt a guard from Forfaite's labor camps. He scrutinized me like he saw the freckles shaded under my hood, the star-shaped birthmark covered by my mask. 
With a palm up, I balanced Agile, my twelve-inch long throwing dagger, against my middle finger. Her twin Adroite lay sunken in shame within the outer band of the target. My first throw had gone awry when Gustave stumbled and bumped against my shoulder.
I set my jaw. Each of our tipsy spectators had offered up a livre to the winner. Ten livres currently sat on the makeshift table: enough to feed my family, and Val's, for a week.
Now I couldn't lose.
Stepping forward with an underhand swing, I released Agile to sail directly into the bullseye.

35-word pitch: 

When her best friend Val leads a doomed mission to wake a princess and break the kingdom's curse, Ilycia and Val's brother, the boy who broke her heart, chase after Val to ensure he succeeds.

First 500 words:

They have to think you're a boy.
Val's warnings echoed in my head whenever I posed in front of the target. I silently chanted the directions my best friend had drilled into me: Don't talk, Leesh. Pin your shoulders back. Widen your stance. His words kept me from fiddling with the mask that rubbed against my skin, the hood pinned to my too-tight braid.
A full moon gleamed over the tavern near the eastern quadrant outskirts of Forfaite. The richest sources of the kingdom's ore resided here, under a cursed ground almost too dense to penetrate. Engineers and guards from the nearby labor camps had stumbled outside when word of my arrival grew.
"C'est la Marque!" they chattered amongst themselves.
That was me. The Mark.
Mama would've wished herself dead all over again if she could see seventeen-year-old Ilycia Robert, her eldest daughter, parading outside of liquor houses in the middle of the night. In breeches. As if propriety was a concern I could still afford. I had sisters and a grandmother and an invalid father to feed.
My competitors waited their turn beside me. The bar patrons called the man on my right Gustave. Reeking of whiskey and old meat, he cramped my space with a greasy girth. Disgusting, and the exact opponent I wanted: too drunk to look close. To remember me.
The same couldn't be said for D'arcy, the man on my left. His height and sharp eyes intimidated me less than the deep red of his armed forces uniform. He scrutinized me like he saw the freckles shaded under my hood, or the star-shaped birthmark covered by my mask.
Bad idea. The prickles against the back of my neck screamed we shouldn't have come here. But we'd exhausted every tavern in the farmlands of the western quadrant, and there was hardly anyone to hustle in our southern quadrant village of Secheresse.
It's not like this was illegal, anyway.  
I wrapped my fingers around Adroit, my twelve-inch long throwing dagger. She sent soothing vibrations up my arm until I lined myself up for a perfect throw.
That's right, she purred.
I launched the knife, but couldn't avoid the collision when Gustave staggered and careened into me. I sidestepped before he crashed to one knee and brought me down with him.
Squelching a curse before anyone could hear my feminine voice, I locked eyes on the target. Adroit had stuck, sunken in shame within the outer band.
Gustave gaped at me with bleary eyes. "Sorry, boy."  
The crowd jeered. Some whispered and exchanged livres within the shadows of torchlight. They always bet against me at first. They saw what they wanted, a slight figure with daggers too big to handle. 
I clenched my jaw. Each of our spectators had offered up a livre to the winner. Ten livres currently sat on the makeshift table. Nothing to these drunken villagers, it was enough to feed my family, and Val's, for a week.

I couldn't lose.



10 comments:

  1. Hi Julie - Hope this feedback is helpful.

    PITCH: The pitch sounds like Val is the MC - but then when I start reading, the MS seems to be 1st person from Ilycia's POV. I would make the pitch from Ilycia's POV too.

    SAMPLE:
    I'm liking that you jump right in - but maybe be more into the knife throwing contest, then layer in the other stuff as that happens. The info about the fabric etc. could be farther down.

    I would make the first sentence more immediate:
    My best friend Val's warnings echoed in my head AS I POSTURED in front of the target.
    And I'm not sure about "postured". "Set up"? "Took my stance"? "Set my feet"?

    "For months, I'd risen at first light to alter the pants"
    Would it take months to alter a pair of pants? Maybe weeks?

    "I had sisters and a grandmother and an invalid father to feed."
    Where is the brother Emeric? What happened to brother Issac? I'm already asking these questions by the time I reach this sentence. Maybe amend to
    "With one brother dead and one exiled, I had sisters and a grandmother and an invalid father to feed on my own." (or whatever fits your storyline)

    I can't picture an underhand knife throwing swing (though I don't have a lot of experience with knife throwing :-).)

    Maybe get some sort of dialogue in the first 500 words? The only words spoken are the crowd muttering.

    I hope this helps! Lots of interesting detail here.

    Keli Vice @kelivice - Entry #8.

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  2. Julie-

    I love your manuscripts name. It definitely peaks my interest. I think you could amp up your pitch a bit and really show you characters struggle through what she wants and whats preventing her from getting it. I also agree with above, it's difficult to understand who the story's main focus is on. I also like the dynamic of having to feed her family, as to why she's out doing these things. There was a sentence that got a bit confusing..."Her twin..." as I wasn't sure who was being talked about? All in all, I think you've got some wonderful details and what's soon to be an interesting world.
    -Andrea #2
    @AEWalkerwrites

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  3. 35 words: I like! It sounds like an interesting story. My only beef is starting with Val makes him sound like the main character.

    500 words: this phrase sounded funny-- "I postured in front of the target." I think it's "postured," I have trouble visualizing that. Also, "penetrate" later felt too strong for a needle.

    Your descriptions are great and you establish the tension in the story right away. You have some great lines. My favorite was "Reeking of whiskey and old meat, he cramped my space with a greasy girth. Disgusting, and the exact opponent I wanted: too drunk to look close. To remember." It's vivid and also exciting.

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  4. Pitch:
    Very direct and to the point letting me know what the problem is and what’s at stake. It does make me wonder what this curse is and what “differences” need to be overcome, which is good. It makes me want to find out more.
    After reading your words below: I went back and re-read your pitch after reading your 500 and I wonder why either A-your pitch doesn’t focus more on Ilycia? Or B-your opening is not about Val? Something to ponder

    500 words:
    I love your opening line. It immediately makes me go, “Hmm...what’s this? What’s going on here?” I must keep reading to see why they have to think she’s a boy.

    “Mama would've wished herself dead all over again if she could see seventeen-year-old Ilycia, her eldest daughter, parading outside of taverns in the middle of the night wearing breeches.”-Another good line. It makes me chuckle a little and I can picture your MC sauntering outside these taverns. Also, a good quick way to let your reader know mom is dead.

    “Disgusting, and the exact opponent I wanted: too drunk to look close. To remember.” This phrasing is throwing me a bit. It’s the “To remember” part. It just doesn’t quite flow the way the rest of your writing does. Maybe saying “too drunk to look close. Too drunk to remember” would be smoother (a minor issue).

    Overall, your writing DOES flow wonderfully and is very easy to read. I feel you have set the scene well and described the opponents clearly without a lot of wordy descriptions that pull the reader from the main competition at hand.

    The only place that I felt got a little off track was the explanation of the leathers and her wondering what they were and altering them. Now maybe this comes into play later or something but those few sentences just kind of made me stop and wonder why they were included. It’s only a sentence or two and a minor issue.

    You effortlessly give the reader a lot of information without overwhelming them with backstory at this point. I am not usually a fantasy reader, but I would definitely continue reading this to see what happens with your MC. Well done!

    Jackie (#5)

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  5. Hello! Thanks so much for entering #YayYA! Remember to take my opinions with a grain of salt. This is your story, after all!

    Pitch: I echo the others that I was expecting the story to start in Val's POV based off the pitch. I'm also unclear on Val's gender until I start reading.

    This looks like a well-written story, but I want your characters to bounce off the page more. Your world to bounce off the page more. Show me what's different about your story, that doesn't make it the same as other fantasy novels with quests and tough cross-dressing girls. Slap me in the face with sensory and emotionaldetails. I know you can do it because of how well the prose already flows: you seem very anchored in the story you want to tell, which is awesome.

    One thing I want to know is, is this France? Pre-reign-of-terror France? Because I'd like more of that vibe, too. I think historical details might add to the color. Right now your first five hundred is a good, in focus, sharp black and white photo. Make it in color with personality and you'll be golden.

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  6. Hi Julie! First let me say that I really liked this opening and I would definitely keep reading.
    Pitch: I agree with others that it should be from MC's POV. I agree w/ Julie that the stakes aren't overly high in the pitch. Personal stakes for Ilycia would draw us in more.

    500 words:

    I like your opening line! I was immediately interested. Your writing is good, with interesting detail, adding hints a little at a time. I love the bit about the skin on the breeches. Well written and fascinating. Descriptions of the competitors are great! The knife sunken in shame - so good!

    Here's an idea that may or not be right for you, but I was thinking that it might be more immediate, more tense, if you show the whole scene happening in the moment. Someone suggested a bit of dialogue in this scene, which might help us connect to Ilycia more. So after your opening line (don't lose!) you could you start with them approaching the tavern, and Val is actually saying these things to her, rather than her remembering them. We get a feel for their friendship in a few lines. Also (maybe?) the stakes of the scene, if she's found out, or loses. Then the crowd stumbles out, and as that's happening, she's reflecting on the breeches or the family to feed, etc. We see the competitors as they emerge and get her immediate impression as she first sees them. Show the guy bumping her in real time, how she reacts to this, how she misses (& if Val winces, or their eyes meet, etc ). Heighten her emotional tension about why she needs to win, etc. Then when she throws the winning shot, it's more of a relief.

    I like Rachel's idea of a few more hints to the world you're in, if it's possible.

    Honestly it's good the way it is now, so this is just a thought. I really like your writing! Best of luck with this.

    Maria (entry #1) @MariaCMcDaniel

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  7. Hi Julie!
    Pitch:
    Ooh, I love quest stories! (Huge fan of Arthur and his round table.) I’m guessing your MC is Val, but the conflict in your pitch belongs to what appears to be the sidekick characters. I may have that wrong, of course. If Val is the MC, makes sure the conflict belongs to her. Also, the use of “next” with excursion makes it sound like people are being sent out all the time to wake the princess. Not sure if that’s what you’re trying to convey. One more thing, quest stories have been around for a long time (which for me is awesome!), so take care to make sure you have something in your pitch that will make yours stand out. I know, super easy to do in 35 words, right? Ugh…
    Words:
    So after reading your first words, now I’m thinking Leesh is the MC. Excellent build of anticipation, by the way! I’m already invested in her winning. To improve pacing, you may want to consider taking out the paragraph of her mending the clothes. I like the back story, but where it is now impedes the excitement you’ve built so well in the subsequent paragraphs.
    One of the things I noticed, and this is nit-picky, but be careful not to load too much into sentences to explain things. For example, just say Isaac or my brother. I don’t think anyone would think “my brother, Isaac” to themselves. Does that makes sense?
    I don’t really have much else to say. Everything else you’ve written is SUPER shiny! Nice job.

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  8. Hi Julie,
    First of all, thank you for sharing your work. I really enjoyed the flow of your writing style.

    Pitch: I was swept up in your pitch...friends and siblings working together to set things right. I might define what you mean by cursed. If it's like the sleeping beauty story is the whole kingdom or parts of it asleep as an example. Also, it was a bit confusing to read the pitch and then have the first chapter begin with Ilycia.

    500 words:
    Your sample flowed very well and I was intrigued by them. I would definitely read more.

    Since this is a historical fantasy, I might weave something that indicates that besides the names. Speaking of names, in the 500 words you mentioned 9 names. Val, Leesh, Issac, Ilycia, The Mark, Gustave, D'arcy, Agile, and Adroite. Is it possible to cut the number down? Like maybe the two competitors?
    I assume Ilycia has been doing this competition for awhile dressed as a boy, since she has even named her knives. It seemed strange that she would think...They have to think you're a boy. Perhaps after doing this so many times, her body automatically assumes the posture and stance. Maybe she even feels more in control during these excursions dressed as a boy.
    Some of the lines I loved: Reeking of whiskey and old meat, he cramped my space with a greasy girth. ....sharp eyes intimidated me less than the deep red of his tunic. ...lay sunken in shame...
    Awesome job.

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  9. Hi Julie--

    This is really an intriguing start to your story! It definitely seems like something I would love to read!

    35 word pitch: This intrigues me, but I agree with the others that the pitch seems to focus too much on Val, not enough on Ilycia. Also, since you said this was historical fantasy, perhaps you should indicate the time and region? Just a thought.

    500 words: This is a great start. You’ve whetted my curiosity with the very first sentence--”They have to think you’re a boy.” Maybe add something like “your life depends on it” or “you know what they’ll do if they don’t”, something to hint at the consequences if they don’t? But it’s very good as is.

    I thought you spent maybe a bit too long describing how she alters the trousers. It’s well written, but I’m more interested in how Ilycia conceals her gender, once she begins her interaction with the others.

    I had a bit of trouble figuring out whether Val was with her at the present moment. In the first paragraph, it sounds like Ilycia is remembering instructions he gave her at an earlier time, but when you wrote “”By the time Val and I happened upon the tavern . . .” it seemed like he was there right now? So the chronology was a little bit confusing.

    When you describe Gustave: “Disgusting, and the exact opponent I wanted: to drunk to look close. To remember.” Maybe it would be clearer if you reworded it: “Disgusting: too drunk to look close or remember. Just what I wanted in an opponent.” Or something similar. I think what trips us up about that sentence is the fact that “drunk” (adj.) and “opponent” (noun) aren’t parallel, so they need rewording.

    Nice contrast between Gustave and D’arcy. And your use of description was amazing. I loved that her knives were Adroite and Agile. That’s awesome.

    Thank you for sharing your pitch and snippet. I don’t have a lot of suggestions, since the story is so strong already. Best of luck!

    Kimberly #4

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  10. Hi, Julie. First of all, unlike others, I'm not gonna be able to give you any line critiquing since I'm not good in line anything, be it critiquing or editing. Anyway, I hope my critique on overall excerpt will help.

    Pitch:
    Unfortunately the pitch worked on me until I began to read your words. At first I thought, "Hey, that's nice, a girl out to save her kingdom with her bro and her bff". Then I read the words "my best friend Val's" and it threw me off. Your pitch makes it sound like Val was the protagonist whose bff and brother didn't get along. Maybe try rewording it like this:

    To help her best friend, Val, save the kingdom from a curse, Ilycia must put aside her aversion to Val's brother, Emeric, and find the missing princess, or the kingdom is doomed for good.

    500 words:
    Maybe it's just me, but I have a problem with characters explaining what they're wearing for an entire long paragraph. Only if their dress makes a cut in the plot will I tolerate their descriptions. So that's the only pet peeve I found in your words.

    I'd liked the opening paragraph better if I hadn't read your pitch and imagined Val as the protagonist. But your opening paragraph was really good. Gave me a medieval-esque Robin Hood/King Arthur/Tristan-Isolde type vibe. I love Celtic stuff and pardon my imagination if your setting isn't that.

    The stakes could've been higher. Maybe instead of just the money, add some humiliation to her part. Like her family was waiting for her to win, and add in a bit more descriptions about her family's dark days and how the duty of a bread winner falls on her etc etc. The part before hurling the dagger should be taut with tension. I didn't find much tension.

    Anyway, this sounds like a fairy tale-esque fantasy. I'm not a fan of fairy tales but loved your excerpt.

    Best of luck to PitchWars <3

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