Twitter: @jdmfulmer
Genre: High Fantasy
Title: Lily And Lion
35-Word Pitch: After rejecting his proposal, 18-year-old Princess Callie realizes she loves Prince Rory, but now he’s engaged to her sister. When their mutual enemy attacks, they must put aside their forbidden love to save their kingdoms.
First 500: The bell sounds as I come to the balcony at the top of the entryway stairs, and my hands begin to shake. Below, a pair of footmen open the heavy wooden doors, and he walks in. It’s only Rory, I scold myself, yet my fingers find the wrought-iron banister and I can’t get them loose again.
A gust of wind sweeps in the open door, ruffling the black frock coat he wears over plain traveling clothes. The breeze climbs all the way up the stair to touch my cheek, and Rory’s gaze follows. He pulls the top hat from his golden head, and his hazel eyes find mine.
All at once I know I’ve made a terrible, horrible mistake.
It’s impossible to breathe. Every second of every day since the last time we saw each other thrums in my veins, keeping time with the grandfather clock in the entry below. I suddenly understand exactly what I’ve done, and the consequences I never could have predicted.
He’s not here for me, not this time. I have to remember that. Yet the shining of his eyes makes it impossible, and I’m thrown back into that same memory, the one that haunts my every step. The one I kept coming back to, even before I understood.
Marry me, he asks.
“Hello, Calla Lily.”
The sound of the doors swinging shut almost swallows his quiet words. I hear them anyway. I should reply. I mean to reply. But I’ve been ripped open.
I close my eyes, but it doesn’t help. I still feel the horrible aching need to reach out and draw him to me. As if by holding him I could fix everything I now know I’ve utterly ruined.
I’m not ready for this.
And I really don’t like him calling me that.
Footsteps sound in the hall below, and I open my eyes to see my mother appear in the vestibule. Her brown hair is swept up into a hasty chignon, with bits of white flour staining the hem of her blue and white striped bustle gown. White-haired, white-skinned Dahlia walks a few paces behind, all perfectly polished elegance. The sight of her starts anger surging inside me like I've never felt before. It isn't her fault, and she doesn’t deserve the blame. But she gets it anyway.
“Your highness,” my mother says, her plump arms open in welcome. Rory tears his eyes away from mine. “We’re so glad you made it, aren’t we Dahlia?”
Rory sketches an elegant bow, not that I’d expect anything less from him. My mother laughs and pulls him into a hug, leaving white fingerprints on the back of his coat. We’ve all known each other too long for such formality.
“Thank you, your majesty.” The title falls fondly from Rory’s lips, more like a nickname than an honorific. She releases him. I watch as he turns to the girl beside our mother, and takes her hand, raising it to his lips. My insides seethe.
Hi Jen,
ReplyDeleteSeriously? This is so good, so clean, I only have a couple notes.
I would say pry instead of "get" when she's holding the banister and I would drop "again."
In the line about consequences I would drop "and" and "could have."
In the "marry me" line I would say asked not asks.
When she heard footsteps I would end the sentence when she opens her eyes and start a new one with the mother appearing.
The line when he bows doesn't need "from him" at the end. The last line of that paragraph doesn't need "all."
In the line "the girl beside our mother" I'm assuming you mean her sister, I would say that. The our mother could be mixed up for a reader and they could think Rory is her brother.
The line about the mother's gown needs a comma after striped, and after the dialogue in the last paragraph "the" shouldn't be capitalized.
That's it! This is really clean and it flows so smoothly the voice drips from it.
Well done!
Jacqueline Eberli #6
Thank you! Follow up question:
DeleteAt the end of the last paragraph, the last sentence actually is "My insides seethe, and I think I might murder my own sister", but I cut it to fit under 500 words. Any thoughts on how to address the "girl beside our mother" issue? Would it be sufficient to change "our" to "my"? Or should I make the first reference "Dahlia"?
Thank you!
Jen
I think the girl next to our mother should just be my sister. Like I said I knew you didn't mean he was her brother, but someone else might get REALLY confused in a Flowers in the Attic kind of way.
DeleteIf you're looking for it to be a surprise to the reader that the new betrothed is her sister, it won't be. The whole I know I shouldn't blame her, but I want to kill her is too common a reality among sisters. It's clear the minute she steps in the room that these two flowers are sisters. I actually like the last line the way it is and would use the rest at a different place. If you wanted to fool those in your readership who don't have sisters then I would use Dahlia and then the last line has to include the reveal of sisterhood. It's totally up to you because either way it won't detract from the scene and it might surprise those who aren't a sister.
Jacqueline
Hah, I wasn't trying to trick anyone into thinking they're not sisters! Just trying to vary my phrasing. But I think I've got it all figured out, thanks.
DeleteFirst Impression:
ReplyDeleteLove the title. If I were browsing at a bookstore or the library and saw a fantasy with this title, I'd definitely be taking it home.
Critique:
A paragraph break after the phrase "and he walks in" would add some extra punch to that statement. The following sentence could then start the next paragraph.
Separating the descriptions of Rory's hair and eye color would help with flow, even if they're just in two different sentences.
The sentence "I suddenly understand exactly what I’ve done, and the consequences I never could have predicted" is a little bit confusing because we the readers don't know what the MC is done yet. Could it be reworded in some way for clarity? Along the same lines "The one I kept coming back to, even before I understood" is a repeat of the sentiment echoed in the above mentioned sentence, so it could probably come out.
"Marry me, he asks" Maybe go into a little more detail on the circumstances of the proposal and put it in past tense? That way you won't have anyone wondering if this is happening in the present. You wouldn't need to add a super lot. Something along the lines of “I'm thrown back into that same memory, the one that haunts my every step. 'Marry me,' he asked, and I refused.” Perhaps you'd rather not let the cat out of the bag about her turning him down so early on, but it's already implied by the fact that they're so distant, and spelling it out would make things clearer for your readers.
The sentences "I'm not ready for this" and "And I really don't like him calling me that" could go in the same paragraph. They'd maintain their emphasis but things would seem a bit less choppy.
After the queen asks Dahlia if she's glad Rory's there, a brief description of Dahlia's response would help to establish her character early on. It doesn't have to be a lot--just a nod or a look or a word. Also, both words in the title "Your Majesty" should be capitalized.
As has already been mentioned saying "my sister" as opposed to "the girl beside our mother" would clarify the last paragraph.
Concluding Thoughts: If the phrasing is tightened up a bit, this piece will really shine! The MC has a strong voice already and the emerging storyline is intriguing. Good job!
Thanks for your notes! One follow up question:
DeleteThe "Marry me, he asks" was supposed to all be in italics but I messed up the formatting on my submission. Would that be sufficient to clarify that it's her memory, or would you still prefer I change it to "asked"?
I addressed the "my sister" vs "the girl beside our mother" in a reply to the comment above. If you would like to give an opinion, I'd love to hear it!
Jen
Hi Jen!
ReplyDeleteThis is not a circus!!!!!!!!!
Okay, initial disappointment stifled, on to trying to be even the slightest bit constructive.
Genre: Good!
Pitch:
Needs work. This is not your story. This is your trope. Your story is beautiful and unlike any story that came before. This pitch isn't telling anyone that, this pitch is telling them what they've seen before.
Forget STAKES STAKES STAKES! Tell me what's special and different about your first 70 pages in 35 words. Give me Callie's personality, tell me what kind of journey she's going to be taken on, make me see why I'd want to follow her. It's not as impossible as it seems, (though for the next day you're probably going to swear whenever you see my name in your feed while you think about it)
First 500:
OK, I'm missing something.
It's lovely, you're right inside Callie's head. Her emotions are coming through strong, but I think you can push yourself a step farther. You're trying a little too hard to build up the reveal that he's here for her sister and not her and it feels like a false payoff. I'm not invested in Callie yet. I'm not invested in Rory. I don't know why I care that he picked her sister.
Not knowing why she's so disappointed is keeping me farther from the MC. Did they grow up together and she has a crush on him? Was he in love with her, but just stopped one day? Are his parents making him choose the elder sister for financial reasons? You don't have to give away the whole story, but showing the contrast between how he is now versus what gave her the expectation will amp my sympathy for Callie which, in your first pages, is way more important than story, plot, or mystery.
One other, more technical thing. It might be in how I read it, but I don't understand "Marry me, he asks." Is that a memory? Her wish? Him thinking at her? It's there and ignored and threw me out of the narrative.
I'm giving you this feedback not because I think your story sucks, but to, hopefully, push you one level higher so that it can really shine! If you want to throw things at me, feel free! (Just, please, not Joanna's tea!) But also, feel free to ping me if you want to chat!
You're awesome (and I cannot wait to see your circus!)
Sorry to disappoint! My circus book is my current WIP that I've just barely started drafting so it'll be a while until it's ready. And don't worry about my feelings, I'm quite good at taking feedback!
DeleteYour notes on pitches are different form what I've read elsewhere, but I'll give a shot at doing it your way. Certainly can't hurt. :)
And I do feel that the 500 word limitation is having some impact on your perception. Your questions are all addressed in my first chapter. I am trying to walk the line of not giving more information than I absolutely have to, but if it's causing confusion than obviously it's not doing what I want. If you're interested, I'd love to exchange a little more and see if you think the issue is still there when you read the entire first chapter. If you're up to it!
Jen
Definitely! You know where to find me!
DeleteThank you so much for your enthusiasm! No, I'm not published, but fingers crossed for PitchWars!
ReplyDeleteWith regards to the "It's only Rory" line, what I was aiming for was Callie trying to convince herself to calm down because Rory has been her best friend her whole life, and she shouldn't be freaking out about seeing him. Not that she expected someone else. Does that make sense? Can you think of a better way to phrase that/clarify it?
Thanks for the note about the "girl beside our mother" line, that seems to be a pretty common issue everyone's having, but I think I can clarify it by just saying "Dahlia" instead.
Thanks again!
Jen
35-Word Pitch: After rejecting his proposal, 18-year-old Princess Callie realizes she loves Prince Rory, but now he’s engaged to her sister. When their mutual enemy attacks, they must put aside their forbidden love to save their kingdoms.
ReplyDeleteOn the pitch, I think you are trying to tell us too much of the story. I'd suggest losing the second sentence completely. Start with WHY Callie said no. That will give us a huge insight into Callie's character AND Rory's character, then go into why Rory is engaged to her sister, and the moment Callie realizes she's made a mistake. Give us the characters and the problem, and we'll follow them around for whatever plot stuff you want. The second line robs the hook. By telling us their "forbidden love", it shows that Rory will love her back, which without selling us on the couple, makes him seem unloyal to her sister, and it kind of makes both characters seem unsympathetic. IMO.
First 500: The writing is emotional, and clear, and I really like Callie. I love the way you've described her sister, and the few hints through out. There is a POV violation in the line he ripped his eyes from hers. She was just describing her sister and her mother, so she wasn't looking at him.
I would suggest showing more of a storm inside Rory. Callie broke his heart. He's here for the sister of the girl he loves, and he should be having some reluctance towards Callie. He didn't come there to make Callie fall for him right. He came there for her sister. He should be in the middle of a ton more conflict, emotionally. A good man honors his contracts. A good man is loyal to the girl he is engaged too. I hope he's trying to be a good man, because there's so much conflict there, and that makes for a killer story.
Hope this helps.
~Sheena #11
Hi Jen!
ReplyDeleteThanks for letting me read and comment!
I’m going to dive right in. I want to gobble this up right now! I love it! Your first 500 words illustrate your premise. Kudos!
Now to the hard part- the critique: There’s really not much I would change, but since I don’t want to say NOTHING, here we go:
1. I’m not sure I understand this sentence: Rory sketches an elegant bow, not that I’d expect anything less from him.
--The word that’s throwing me off is “sketches.” I’ve never heard it used this way and I wonder if another word might clear it up? It made me pause, which I don’t think you want.
2. Your first line: The bell sounds as I come to the balcony at the top of the entryway stairs, and my hands begin to shake. --words/phrases I’m having problems with:
--“come” to the balcony –you do such a great job of describing things eloquently elsewhere. I wonder if there is a more descriptive word for this simple action?
--“entryway stairs” –same comment. Is there a term for that part of the stairs? I don’t think your first sentence is doing justice to the rest of your 500 words. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad first sentence at all. I have to nitpick because you have such a good thing going already. :-)
Hope that helps!
-Allison, #8
Hi Jen, Kiernan at #4 here. Based on your pitch, I’d read the heck out of this. I saw you got some suggestions for updating it that are worth exploring, but it worked for me.
ReplyDeleteYour 500 is clean and compelling. I get a good sense of what Callie is feeling, and I found her regrets and her jealousy of her sister both heart-rending and believable. I just have a few questions. At one point, you say, “All at once I know I’ve made a terrible, horrible mistake,” as though this is Callie’s first realization that she should never rejected Rory’s proposal. But later you say, “I’m thrown back into that same memory, the one that haunts my every step.” Which made me think she’s been regretting it for a while. Maybe she was dwelling without regretting, but that’s a subtlety that’s hard to catch in early pages.
I also wondered why her mother, the queen, had flour on her? This is probably something you explain later and part of her character, but I found it a little jarring here, in what seems to be a somewhat formal occasion of her future son-in-law’s first visit.
“Rory sketches an elegant bow” was the only even slightly awkward phrase in your opening, mostly because sketches felt out of context somehow.
This seems like a terrific candidate for PitchWars & beyond!
Hi Jen!
ReplyDeleteRemember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!
Okay, so at first glance your pitch reads very cliche. I know how hard it is to come up with non-cliche pitches especially for prince and princess fantasy. I agree with Lana. One time she had me just sit down and ramble-type about my books premise, and to my surprise told me it was the strongest thing I'd written for a query bar the editorial issues. Guess what? I edited it, and a few weeks later got a full request :D I'm sure any of us here would be more than happy to look at alternative pitches.
For genre, I'd actually use Romantic instead of High fantasy, since romance seems to be the focus, but I could be wrong since I'm going off the current pitch.
Your first 500 is gorgeous, almost flawless, but I'd like to see a little of what makes your book original shine through. As I have nothing more than what you've currently given me, I can't really advise you how to do that but your betas or CPs might be able to. The three things publishing people look for are Voice, Cleanness, and Freshness. Well, you've certainly got the first two nailed, and I'm sure your work is fresh, too, but that needs to shine through straight off. Otherwise this is great!
Hello there :) This is Maddie from entry three.
ReplyDeletePitch:
"After rejecting his proposal, 18-year-old Princess Callie realizes she loves Prince Rory, but now he’s engaged to her sister. When their mutual enemy attacks, they must put aside their forbidden love to save their kingdoms."-This pitch feels a little redundant (a been there, done that kind of feel). I think you could focus the pitch more on the "mutual enemy attacks" part of the pitch. Maybe answer the "why" and the "how."
First 500 Words:
-"All at once I know I’ve made a terrible, horrible mistake."-I think this would make a better first line, reworded as "I know I've made a terrible, horrible mistake."
-The writing is very sparse, detailed, and lovely :)
-There's a definite connection to Callie straight away that I feel. I think this connection was missing in the pitch though. The emotion is there in the first 500 words, and made me concerned for her and what's about to happen.
Overall:
I enjoyed the first 500 words :) but I think the pitch needs a little work.
Hi Jen!
ReplyDeleteThe pitch and opening seem to connect really well, but I did get somewhat confused towards the end of the pitch so you might want to straighten it a little. Also, the pitch sounds a bit like a cliche fairytale Disney movie all together.
I am not a romance writer much less reader but I'll try my best to be helpful.
You put the genre as High Fantasy... I think this should be a romance unless the relationship is just a side plot, if that's the case, I'd change the pitch and add whatever source of magic there is to it that makes it high fantasy.
How old is the MC? If you mention this it might help to straighten out how we are suppose to feel about this.
So is Dahlia her mom? Isn't she a princess.... The mc? If she is, why is her mom covered in flour?
I love the way it's all dramatic in her head since she knows she's not suppose to like him but she does anyways. I also liked how he just said hi to her and walked on causally and then she nearly had a panic attack.
Speaking of panic... For some reason I thought that a bad guy or something horrible was about to come since she was freaking out and clinging to the balcony. That might just be me, but maybe you should make her think: HES HERE!
Hope this helped, and if I am way off the hook just toss my opinion out the window :)
-Grace #10
Hello Jen,
ReplyDeleteI'm not a romance reader, but I do love fantasy. If you have fantasy elements blended with romance, I would read this in a heart beat. Just from the pitch and first 500, I'm hooked! Great job!
35-Word Pitch: After rejecting his proposal, 18-year-old Princess Callie realizes she loves Prince Rory, but now he’s engaged to her sister. When their mutual enemy attacks, they must put aside their forbidden love to save their kingdoms. [I do love the first part of this pitch, but the stakes seem a bit cliche. Really think about what makes your story unique and let it shine through this pitch. Then nobody will reject this!!!]
First 500: Most of the awesome #YayYa peeps already commented on what i noticed, but there are a few suggestions to tighten your first page a bit. :-)
All at once I know I’ve made a terrible, horrible mistake. [Someone already mentioned this, but I wanted to put my two cents in. I think this sentence should be your opening line. After this line, you can explain why she feels this way.]
I suddenly understand exactly what I’ve done, and the consequences I never could have predicted. [It sounds to me she's been bothered by her decision for a while, so I would cut the word 'suddenly' and explain why she is now realizing the consequences of her actions.]
Marry me, he asks. [This should be past tense.]
The sound of the doors swinging shut almost swallows his quiet words. I hear them anyway. I should reply. I mean to reply. But I’ve been ripped open. [Great! Love the voice here. I could definitely invest time in this MC!]
I still feel the horrible aching need to reach out and draw him to me. As if by holding him I could fix everything I now know I’ve utterly ruined. [Only thing here is you used the word horrible twice in the first 500 words. I would think about using another word. I'm a huge offender in doing this as well!]
She releases him. I watch as he turns to the girl beside our mother, and takes her hand, raising it to his lips. [Here I would name 'the girl' to 'my sister standing beside my mother...' Specifics should be used here so we as the readers feel grounded in your story.]
That's it. This is well written and lovely in every way. I also hope this gets picked and is published soon! Good luck!
Monica M. Hoffman #12
Hello Jen,
ReplyDeleteI'm not a romance reader, but I do love fantasy. If you have fantasy elements blended with romance, I would read this in a heart beat. Just from the pitch and first 500, I'm hooked! Great job!
35-Word Pitch: After rejecting his proposal, 18-year-old Princess Callie realizes she loves Prince Rory, but now he’s engaged to her sister. When their mutual enemy attacks, they must put aside their forbidden love to save their kingdoms. [I do love the first part of this pitch, but the stakes seem a bit cliche. Really think about what makes your story unique and let it shine through this pitch. Then nobody will reject this!!!]
First 500: Most of the awesome #YayYa peeps already commented on what i noticed, but there are a few suggestions to tighten your first page a bit. :-)
All at once I know I’ve made a terrible, horrible mistake. [Someone already mentioned this, but I wanted to put my two cents in. I think this sentence should be your opening line. After this line, you can explain why she feels this way.]
I suddenly understand exactly what I’ve done, and the consequences I never could have predicted. [It sounds to me she's been bothered by her decision for a while, so I would cut the word 'suddenly' and explain why she is now realizing the consequences of her actions.]
Marry me, he asks. [This should be past tense.]
The sound of the doors swinging shut almost swallows his quiet words. I hear them anyway. I should reply. I mean to reply. But I’ve been ripped open. [Great! Love the voice here. I could definitely invest time in this MC!]
I still feel the horrible aching need to reach out and draw him to me. As if by holding him I could fix everything I now know I’ve utterly ruined. [Only thing here is you used the word horrible twice in the first 500 words. I would think about using another word. I'm a huge offender in doing this as well!]
She releases him. I watch as he turns to the girl beside our mother, and takes her hand, raising it to his lips. [Here I would name 'the girl' to 'my sister standing beside my mother...' Specifics should be used here so we as the readers feel grounded in your story.]
That's it. This is well written and lovely in every way. I also hope this gets picked and is published soon! Good luck!
Monica M. Hoffman #12
Preamble: Sorry I'm so late with this, hope it's still helpful!
ReplyDeletePitch: I think Lana and Sheena have great advice for you above. I think some specifics might help you ground the pitch in your story's unique world. Can you apply a word or two to describe Callie's kingdom and what makes it special? Who is their enemy and what does their enemy want?
First 500: I like the immediate emotional plunge here! You've gotten lots of great feedback from previous commenters. I agree that starting with "I've made a terrible, horrible mistake" is a great idea. I think this might actually have more punch with just one adjective (maybe "terrible," since as Monica points out above you've already used "horrible" elsewhere.) I also agree with Sheena that you might want to add a stronger hint of Rory's reaction to seeing her again; given her feelings for him, she'd be looking for it. Even if he's being super-neutral, she might find that upsetting, or be trying to see through it...
Also chiming in on the flour - baking seems like an awfully humble pastime for a queen! Their surroundings, in fact, seem very toned down and informal for royalty - mansion-like vs. palace-like. Are we in a summer home, maybe? Or are they just unusual royalty? Otherwise, maybe amp up the pomp and grandeur here (think Versailles).
The only other nitpick I've got that I didn't see raised above was regarding "I really don't like it when he calls me that" - I'd condense that to "I hate it when he calls me that" or "He knows I hate it when he calls me that." OR you could have her actually come out with "I hate it when you call me that" or "Don't call me that" and then be unable to say anything else, and he'd be unsure how to take it...you can tell by my brainstorming that I like the detail (and the chemistry)!
Preamble: Sorry I'm so late with this, hope it's still helpful!
ReplyDeletePitch: I think Lana and Sheena have great advice for you above. I think some specifics might help you ground the pitch in your story's unique world. Can you apply a word or two to describe Callie's kingdom and what makes it special? Who is their enemy and what does their enemy want?
First 500: I like the immediate emotional plunge here! You've gotten lots of great feedback from previous commenters. I agree that starting with "I've made a terrible, horrible mistake" is a great idea. I think this might actually have more punch with just one adjective (maybe "terrible," since as Monica points out above you've already used "horrible" elsewhere.) I also agree with Sheena that you might want to add a stronger hint of Rory's reaction to seeing her again; given her feelings for him, she'd be looking for it. Even if he's being super-neutral, she might find that upsetting, or be trying to see through it...
Also chiming in on the flour - baking seems like an awfully humble pastime for a queen! Their surroundings, in fact, seem very toned down and informal for royalty - mansion-like vs. palace-like. Are we in a summer home, maybe? Or are they just unusual royalty? Otherwise, maybe amp up the pomp and grandeur here (think Versailles).
The only other nitpick I've got that I didn't see raised above was regarding "I really don't like it when he calls me that" - I'd condense that to "I hate it when he calls me that" or "He knows I hate it when he calls me that." OR you could have her actually come out with "I hate it when you call me that" or "Don't call me that" and then be unable to say anything else, and he'd be unsure how to take it...you can tell by my brainstorming that I like the detail (and the chemistry)!
Hiya Jen :)
ReplyDeleteGreat advice on the pitch up above and I agree with Lana and Sheena. can't wait to see what you come up with next.
Ooo sibling rivalry over a boy :) I'm sure this will make for some great tension and arguments and heartache all which intrigues me to read on. I love Callie's voice in this and her anxiety and anguish. But I don't know why she turned him down, and maybe I don't need to know just yet, but perhaps a hint would help me relate to her predicament more.
It's hard to point out faults as it's beautifully written. The only thing I can mention is let's say for this sentence: The sound of the doors swinging shut almost swallows his quiet words. I hear them anyway... if the words sound and hear were taken out and replaced with something else it would put me more in the moment. Like even just: The doors swinging shit almost swallow his quiet words. They ring in my ears anyway.
or whatever works best in your words.
Other than that I think your entry is awesome and would totally pick it up and read on :)
oh man, I mean shut :o swinging shut not sh-- I dunno how to edit on here. ack sorry Rachel :/
ReplyDelete