REVISION:
Name: Cayce LaCorte
Twitter: @lacorte_cayce
Genre: YA Paranormal
Title: SHIFT
35 word pitch:
Charley discovers she can teleport but it comes with a violent entity that can take over at will. She must control her gift, and her curse in order stop the arsonist that’s plaguing her hometown.
“Oh crap, not again.” I found myself face down staring at a dirty linoleum floor. A loud crash had snatched me out of a deep sleep, and I had landed hard on my side, pain radiating from my hip. How could a floor be so sticky and still smell like ammonia?
A loud voice echoed, “Finally. I’ve been tryin’ to wake you up for five minutes. So much for being nice about it, I had to smack the trashcan with my sweeper.” A stout woman stared at me like I was ruining her day. The dark skin wrinkled around the corners of her firmly set frown as she straightened her blue vest, and planted a hand on her hip. “Now I’m use to some of those other folks trying to catch a nap indoors, but you don’t look like you belong here, honey,” she said.
I squatted to a low crouch and winced at the pain in my side and the pounding in my head. I assessed my surroundings as quickly as I could, a large open room with some benches. Screens covered in departure and arrival times hung above an enclosed booth. My head sagged and I leaned it against the seat of the bench. “I’m at the bus station?”
“What’d you say? Never mind,” she said, “you ain’t supposed to be here. There’s no buses coming for hours.”
I looked up at her and my fear must have been visible because she softened, like she was speaking to a scared child. I guess she kind of was.
“Can I call someone for you, honey? How far are you from home?”
I wasn’t going to panic. I was determined not to panic. I had always been a logical and capable person who could handle darn near anything and it’s not like this was the first time this had happened.
Just focus and do the same thing you did last time. Figure out where you are, avoid causing a scene and get home. The last thing I needed to do was freak my Dad out with all this.
Hey dad, I’m at the bus station. Why no, actually I have no idea how I got here. I went to bed in my room and woke up here. Can ya come get me?
Oh yeah, that’d go over like a fart in church.
“I’m fine. I’m fine, I promise. I must have passed out at the party and my friends are messing with me,” I said as I tugged at my top and attempted to coax the stray blonde hairs back into my ponytail. “Really, I’m just down Tunnel Road. It’ll take two minutes to walk there.” I took a deep breath and smiled as I stood up. “My friends are probably waiting for me outside right now, laughing about all this.” I felt for my keys or phone. Figures. Why should things start going my way now?
“Okay, if you say so, but I didn’t see nobody bring you in. Heck, I didn’t see anything but you on one of my benches, out of nowhere,” she said, looking around the room, searching for co-conspirators. “And you better believe that nothin’ gets past me.”
I managed a weak smile, but when I took a few steps my throbbing head made me wobble, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Judging by the sideways look she gave me, I must have looked as bad as I felt. At least it helped sell my lie about drinking.
It was a warm mountain night and I had a long walk ahead of me. Why did this keep happening to me? There had to be a reasonable explanation.
Hello Cayce! (Hope I'm allowed to start posting, because I'm so excited to get started, lol!) First of all, let me say that I love your title, and I enjoyed the movie Jumper, so I'd be excited to read a book about teleportation. (If that wasn't a word, it is now.)
ReplyDeleteGeneral notes: I think you might be starting just a few lines too early in your MS. Reading it through, the "Oh crap, not again," really stood out to me as a powerful first line. If you agree, and want to mess with it a bit, I think using that as your opening line would help grab a reader right off the bat. And I liked the "Heck, I didn't see anything but you..." line: It's interesting and hints at the teleporting right away, which is very important in first pages.
Line Edits: (Forgive me, I am OCD.)
...wake up,” should be "... wake up." (Period not comma.)
This is nitpicky, but rather than saying "black woman," I would try to show rather than tell. Maybe, "a woman glaring at me like I had ruined her day, her velvety, dark skin wrinkled in displeasure around her eyes." Or something. Also, I'm not a woman of color, so I can't say for sure if just calling a character "black" is offensive or not, but I'd try to be as racially sensitive as possible, just to be on the safe side.
“What?!”- I think I'd drop the exclamation point, because you say next that she's yelling the question.
“What are you doing here? Get out!” I found myself staring at dirty linoleum.- This bit confused me. I get that she's waking up and doesn't know where she is. At first, I thought maybe she was thinking she was in her room, which would make sense. But then she finds herself looking at the linoleum, which seems to surprise her. Maybe add a bit, "What am I doing here?" Under her breath, so we get that it takes her a second to realize she's in an unfamiliar place.
"..bench," should be "...bench." (But I'm loving the description in this paragraph. Totally got that she was in a bus station then.)
“What did you say?” She said, “Never mind, you ain’t supposed to be here..."- For flow, I would reword this slightly. "What did you say? Never mind," she said. "You ain't supposed to be here."
"...you honey?" I might be oxford comma-ing the heck out of people here so forgive me. But I think it should be "... you, honey?"
"...it’s not like this was the first time this had happened."- This is a REALLY important line and it kind of gets buried in this paragraph. I like everything you have going here, but I'd rework this so this line stands out, front and center!
The ponytail line is a great, subtle way of letting us know the character's gender. Good job!
'now laughing'- maybe add a comma here. 'now, laughing'
'casually'- Now, I'm not Stephen King strict here, but I will warn everyone straight up to be careful with adverbs! (Search your MS for words ending in 'ly'. The results will shock you!) They can be used tastefully (ly, lol) but try not to overuse them. In this case, I think you could cut it, and just say "felt my jean pockets for my keys or phone." Or something.
If this happens a lot, I would add an "Again," at the end of "not knowing how I got here." It'll drive home that she's done this before and it resulted in her dad freaking out.
"what happened" appears very close to "keep happening" so I word reword the first sentence to avoid repetition. Maybe: Needless to say I had plenty of time to wonder what was going on." (Or whatever you like best.)
Thanks for letting me take a look at this! I hope these comments help, and of course, trust your gut and stick to your voice! Good luck!
Hi Cayce, I'm giving all of the above-and-below entries a first read tonight, and I'm intrigued. I'm going to refrain from reading other comments just yet, as I don't want to bias my responses, but I'll give you more in-depth feedback over the weekend and into next week. I do like the MC's voice from this first time through.
ReplyDeletePitch: Nice tension and stakes! I think you could replace the first period with a colon. You may also want to steer clear of rhetorical questions in this context; try "She must regain..." Not sure about an arsonist terrorizing her "home" - meaning her hometown? Just her household?
ReplyDeleteFirst 500: Agree with Katie that your MC has a solid voice.
I think I'd take the volume down a notch in the first couple paragraphs. I can see someone snapping the opening lines (and that the sound might be particularly loud and echo-y in a bus terminal) but yelling when just awoken, especially with a massive headache, doesn't quite ring true for me. I think the headache might be among the first things she's aware of, as well (think waking up with a hangover - it's there before you even open your eyes. Also someone yelling at you is going to aggravate it).
I agree that her initial disorientation might need some adjustment. I don't think she'd have time to say that much before the differences set in (Maybe just a groggy "What...?" and then she rolls over, finds the surface hard and narrow and emphatically not her bed...)
I don't know about "ain't" - it struck me as artificial. Maybe add a visual clue as to who this woman is in this setting? If she's an employee just coming in or just leaving, for example, she might be wearing a shirt with the bus company logo on one side...
Hi, Cayce: I like the premise of your story, a girl who teleports. I can visualize humorous incidents where her teleporting gets her into trouble, perhaps some even embarrassing, and I imagine she also teleports into danger. Your voice is good. I’ve done some editing that you can take or leave as you wish. Good luck!
ReplyDelete[Pitch: dark side, a killer instinct takes over. You mention regain control, but nothing before that states she has no control over her ability. Arsonist terrorizing her home is confusing. You terrorize people, but how does one terrorize a home? Maybe reword this.]
[but you can not sleep here - change to can’t] [use a period after wake up.”]
[move the sentence I found myself starting at dirty linoleum before the question.]
[add a comma after indoors and after here. – indoors, but you don’t look like you belong here, honey,” she said.]
[The word hovered makes me think of something floating. I would reword this sentence.]
[What did you say?” She said, - change to - the woman asked. “Never mind,]
[Since you used ain’t once, I’d also use it again – There ain’t any buses coming for hours.” And then start the next line in a new paragraph.]
[change she softened to - her voice softened]
[Of the two first sentences starting with I wasn’t going to panic, perhaps only one is needed.]
[“I’m fine. I’m fine. I promise.]
[she said, looking around the room.]
[add a comma after a weak smile. I must have sold or change to - She must have bought my story about partying because she gave me a sideways glance as I walked away. ]
[I would eliminate the sentence Needless to say, etc. and just go with Why does this keep happening to me? Change There had to - There has to be]
Hi Cayce,
ReplyDeleteThis is Kiernan at #4. I haven’t read previous comments so as not to be influenced, so apologies if I repeat things you’ve already heard.
Your pitch worked well for me in that it summarized your MC and her dilemma pretty clearly. I thought the voice and the suspense building in your 500 was very strong. In your opening sentences, I thought both Charley and the woman’s reactions were a little over the top – not sure why the woman would shout instead of gently (or even firmly) shaking her shoulder, or why Charley would move from being unconscious to being belligerent so quickly. It may become clear later why she has this kind of reaction, but it made me pause in the beginning.
I think your whole “I wasn’t going to panic” paragraph is strong and gives good insight into your MC’s character.
A few word choice/sentence structure suggestions:
-After “What did you say?”, you don’t need to capitalize “she” and I think you want a period after “said.” So more like, “What did you say?” she asked. “Never mind.” After that, the woman says “ain’t” and then “aren’t” right after each other—she would probably consistently use one of them.
-“I looked at her” is kind of a long sentence, and I thought you could end it more strongly by making “I guess she kind of was” its own sentence.
-Maybe just one “I’m fine” before “I promise”?
-“I scanned my surrounding” – surroundings should be plural
-“she said looking around the room”– consider adding a comma after “said”
Hope some of that is helpful! Great start that would definitely make me want to read more.
Hello, Cayce!
ReplyDeleteI am doing my best not to sound like a teacher, I promise!
I like the stakes in your pitch but the first two sentences would do better as one, maybe separated with an —? The pitch makes me think her alter ego could be the arsonist. Can you fit a description of what this individual is doing to terrorize her family if you combine the first two sentences?
The opening seemed a little abrupt, and I agree with one of the other critiques; I think your story begins later. I think it’s important to begin with your character, not what is outside of her. Connect in that first line because her voice is awesome!
Your woman character’s voice is a little inconsistent. She says “can not sleep here” but uses “ain’t” later on. Switching voices is important, and I think your woman would use less full sentences in her interaction with Charley. I see her firing questions. “How are you? “Why’re you here?” You don’t belong here.” Maybe that’s how you differentiate their skin color. “A pasty thing like you don’t belong on this side of town.” That way, we know she is a woman of color and Charley is out of her element.
"I found myself staring at dirty linoleum." How about: “I landed on the sticky and stained linoleum floor.” Ups the dirty bus station icky factor.
Why was she in pain? You mention it and move on. I like the description of the bus station interior.
I like how the woman goes from accuser to mom-figure with just the right amount of segue. Nice.
“Well, OK, but I didn’t see anyone bring you in. Heck, I didn’t see anything but you on one of my benches, out of nowhere,” she said looking around the room. This makes me realize she just poofed out of thin air. Can you make it more dramatic?
It’s a great idea and Charley has a great voice. She doesn’t always need full sentences to explain herself. Let her talk to the reader and show them what’s happening rather than telling. I'm interested in her relationship with her dad and how he's handling her little "problem." Definitely intrigued.
I wish I could read more! I hope this helps you.
Kelly
Hiya Cayce :)
ReplyDeletePitch:
I love how you set up that Charley has a dark side but is she trying to regain control over teleporting or the killer instinct and how does that effect the arsonist? It's so hard to fit it all in in 35 words, I know.
Maybe if you said something along the lines of -- (Whatever age charley is)Charley's ability to teleport comes with a dark side. A killer instinct that's starting to take over. If she can't maintain control, the arsonist after her home just might win.
That leaves room for 4 more words plus you aren't ending the pitch in a question, something that they say is a big no-no when pitching :)
500:
I agree with the above that the opening feels a bit shouty and if she's discombobulated and just waking up it might take her a few more seconds before she's yelling back. Maybe lose the exclamation points and turn it to -- "Whaa--?" the unfamiliar voice sent me rolling to the floor in surprise. My stomach dropped as a familiar confusion began to set in. "What are you doing here?" I asked. The dirty linoleum a poor replacement to my bedroom floor...
I agree with the above comments about using ain't and aren't, it's confusing and would make her voice more believable if you stuck with one or the other.
I love that she's determined not to panic and would love to see ways of her mentally trying to calm herself down, whether it's slowing her breathing or relaxing her shoulders. Something to keep the tension going that there's a chance she could panic but isn't going to let herself go there.
if you could describe the woman more than just saying she's black it would help me picture the conversation between the two better. As of now I know nothing about what Charley looks like and that's ok but to have a conversation between two faceless people makes it hard to imagine. Maybe even talk about her her mouth, is it set in a frown or a smile? a sparkle in her eye, the way her hair is up or down or anything as she is replying to draw me in more.
I like her story she makes up about being left by her friends, totally some kind of prank teenage kids would play on each other to the passed out drunk one :)
I love your description of a warm mountain night. I think you could get rid of the Needless to say sentence and just have her asking herself about why this keeps happening to her. It keeps the tension more.
I love it when protags have a good and dark side and your book sounds totally interesting. I would keep reading on to see how the killer instinct develops and what she does to contain it. Thanks for sharing, can't wait to read your revision :)
Cass
I will try my best to offer something different. I like where you started. You have set air of confusion that works well. Some have said you sounded a bit shouty, but I think the opening was a bit fast paced. If you were to slow down the narrative a hint, I think it would give the reader a fuller feel of confusion. Maybe add some incomplete thought she might be having?
ReplyDeleteHello Cayce!! (Love your name BTW :D )
ReplyDeleteRemember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!
Yay for you not afraid to call your story like it is, paranormal! And also yay for you for having a fresh paranormal concept! :D
Your pitch looks good. There's two things i'd fix. 1. "a dark side: a killer instinct" is how it should look. 2. You need a little elaboration on stakes "the arsonist terrorizing her home (before he, or else she, etc).
For your first 500,
I love her internal dialogue, trying to assure herself she's all right. It's a great place to start. I'd love to be more immersed in the setting, which can be hard to do especially in a scene where the MC is trying not to have a panic attack. Otherwise I don't think I have anything to say that has not already been said :D Good job and happy writing!!
Hello! This is Maddie from entry three :)
ReplyDeletePitch:
-The pitch is very concise and well-written. I think you can possibly rephrase "dark side" or pick another word choice. Dark side is used often. And maybe you can delve into "the arsonist terrorizing her home" a tad more.
First 500 Words:
-I think starting with dialogue is a little tricky. I think if you do want to start with dialogue, this might be a better opening line:
"Oh crap, not again.”- Immediately, the reader is thinking what happened and why is this such a bad thing.
-I really like the situation and want to know what happens. How Charley reacts and quickly lies is very interesting :) it seems like she's used to these situations of teleporting in to unknown places.
Overall:
-The premise is very awesome and your pitch is pretty good. I think the beginning of the first 500 words could use a bit more strangeness. I hope I'm making sense. I guess what I mean is a bigger hook or writing that is a bit more snappier. I think you nailed it by the end of your first 500 words :)
Hi Cayce,
ReplyDeleteIntro to critique:
First, allow me to say thank you for being so brave as to put your work out there for praise and criticism. It’s never easy to send writing efforts into the world, and it’s even harder to do it when you know people are going to be reviewing it with a fine-toothed comb.
Also, please remember that this is your work, and mine is only one opinion. So, take what you like and leave what you don’t.
When I see some technical edits that need to be made, I’ll put them directly in the text in [brackets] so that you know it’s mine and you know exactly where the edit should be made. I think it’ll allow me to focus more on the story, plot, characters, etc., rather than on the copyediting.
Pitch:
I’m going to focus on your 35-word pitch first.
“Charley's a teenage girl with the ability to teleport, but it comes with a dark side. A killer instinct that takes over. Can she regain control in time to stop the arsonist terrorizing her home?”[This is an interesting premise, but it seems just a little contradictory. What I mean is that if she has a killer instinct that takes over, it seems like she is going to have what it takes to stop the arsonist by depending on the killer instinct—not in trying to control it. Does that make sense? If not, just send me your question back in the comments.]
Entry:
“Excuse me,” I heard someone shout, “but you can not sleep here. Hey, I need you to wake up,” I pried my eyes open far enough to see a black woman who looked at me like I had ruined her day. [Is it necessary to call the woman out as black?]
“What?!” [Don’t use both ?! Just use the question mark. You already tell us next that she yells it.] I yelled and rolled onto my side, landing on a cold hard floor. [I think the MC yells this because she’s teleported here, but that’s because I know the premise and I gave your first 500 a quick read the other night. Any other reader may be left completely out in the cold. Consider some internal dialogue where the MC is wondering what this woman is doing in her room.] “What are you doing here? Get out!” I found myself staring at dirty linoleum. [May reword this last sentence to something like, “My eyes focused on dirty linoleum right under my nose.]
“Me? What are you doing here? Now I’m use to some of those other folks trying to catch a nap indoors[,] but you don’t look like you belong here[,] honey,” she said.
I hovered [How about she pushed herself up into a low crouch? She rolls off a bench, so in my mind, she’s laying on the floor here before she moves into the couch.] in a low crouch, and felt the pain radiate in my hip. A quick assessment of my surroundings yielded [assessment and yielded sound too old for this MC. She’s young, so she would probably say something like, “I looked around at a large…”]a large open room with some benches. Screens covered in departure and arrival times hung above an enclosed booth. My head sagged and I leaned it against the seat of the bench, [use a period instead of a comma here] “Oh crap, not again.”
“What did you say?” S[s]he said, “Never mind, you ain’t supposed to be here. There aren’t any buses coming for hours.” I looked at her and my fear must have been visible because she softened, like she was speaking to a scared child, and I guess she kind of was. “Can I call someone for you[,] honey? How far are you from home?”
I wasn’t going to panic. I was determined not to panic. I had always been a logical and capable person who could handle darn near anything and it’s not like this was the first time this had happened. “I’m fine,[Use a period here.] I’m fine I promise. I must have passed out at my friend’s party[,] and they’re messing with me,[.]” I said as I tugged at my top and attempted to smooth out my ponytail. “Really, I’m staying just down Tunnel Road. It’ll take two minutes to walk there.” I took a deep breath and smiled. “My friends are probably waiting for me outside right now laughing about all this.” I scanned my surrounding[s] again and casually felt for my keys or phone. Darn. [I think some of this could be trimmed.]
(Continued from above)
ReplyDeleteThe last thing I needed to do was freak out my Dad with a strange phone call and me not knowing how I got here.
“Well, OK, but I didn’t see anyone bring you in. Heck, I didn’t see anything but you on one of my benches, out of nowhere,” she said[,] looking around the room.
I managed a weak smile[,] but my throbbing head made me wobble[,] and I felt like I was going to throw up. It[I] must have sold my story about partying because she gave me a sideways look as I walked away. [I’m not sure how her sideways look actually “sells” the story to her. The two don’t seem connected to this reader.]
It was a warm mountain night and I had a long walk ahead of me. Needless to say[,] I had plenty of time to think about what happened. Why did this keep happening to me? [Italicize this question.] There had to be a reasonable explanation.
Closure:
Hi Cayce, I’m really enjoying this story so far. Probably the most notable technical edit was the comma usage. You may want to do some reading up on them. Google Grammar Girl. She saved me in my Master’s program and she knows her grammar usage. I called out the few things that really jumped out at me, but the rest seems to read fairly smoothly and I’m still interested at the end of the piece and I already feel connected with the MC. Great work!
Revision Notes:
ReplyDeleteHey Cayce, (Jamie #19. I commented first last time and forgot to introduce myself, lol.)
Overall, I think this reads so much better! I can tell you really took the comments/suggestions to heart and did a great job with this revision. The only thing I think I would say now is that the "this wasn't the first time this had happened" could still be brought more to the forefront. I think it's really important and it still feels buried where it is. Maybe, "This wasn't the first time this had happened, so I wasn't going to panic. I was determined not to panic..." But as always, trust your voice.
Other than that, I think this is ready. Good luck with Pitch Wars!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSome good revisions. I liked the way you got into your MC head more. However, I did prefer the way you started the other version, with someone waking her up, and then it taking her time to figure out exactly what had happened. I think you took away confusion, whereas I felt more character confusion could have been added to slow things down and build into what was going on.
ReplyDeleteHi, Cayce. I like this version so much better! Your description of the cleaning lady is more politically correct. I didn't mention it the first time, but calling her a black woman didn't sound right. I feel like I know the MC better, too. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Cayce! I like most of the revisions you've made, as I feel it pulls the MC to the forefront. However, you left a word out of your pitch "in order [to]" and the "fart in church" metaphor is kind of old. Is there another one you can come up with that is more tailored to the MC? Otherwise, great work!
ReplyDeleteRevision Critique:
ReplyDeleteThis reads really smoothly, Cayce. Good job! The only nit-picky thing is that I agree with Katie about using the expression "a fart in church." It definitely seems out of place here. Besides that your MC jumps right off the page. Way to go!
Hi Cayce, I think you did a great job with your revisions. This version reads more smoothly without sacrificing any of your MC's voice. The only thing I would suggest is, be careful of overlong sentences. Sometimes you have a number of phrases strung together with commas that might work better if they're broken up into more, shorter sentences. For example, "I managed a weak smile, but when I took a few steps my throbbing head made me wobble, and I felt like I was going to throw up."
ReplyDeleteHi Cayce!
ReplyDeleteI like your changes! I hope they feel better to you.
It sounds like you're going to take another stab at revising, and wanted to give you a couple things to watch out for.
1) "had" - Anytime you use this you're distancing the reader from the character. In some cases because you're avoiding a contraction that might feel more natural, but most of the time because it could just as easily be removed to make a more active form of the verb. Example:
"A loud crash had snatched me out of a deep sleep, and I had landed hard on my side, pain radiating from my hip."
"Snatched out of a deep sleep by a loud crash, I'd landed hard on my side, pain radiating from my hip."
Mine is not the best sentence, it's not even a good sentence, but you can see another way of writing the same thing that is at least shows a way to communicate the same thing that is more active and natural sounding.
2) "felt", "managed", etc. These are filter words. Find ways to write the same sentences without those. Like had, they distance the reader from the character. First person requires a higher level of confidence in the voice. She may be unsure of what she's saying, but she's not defending it to anyone, she doesn't feel angry, happy, or uncomfortable she simply is angry, happy, or uncomfortable. (If this makes any sense.)
In the end, it's your story and your voice is more important. These tricks are a way to elicit a stronger connection with the POV character, but if that's not what you're trying for then throw my advice out with the bathwater!
Best of luck!
Hi Cayce,
ReplyDeleteI like your choices in this revision. I like the cleaning woman more, she's more real. The fart in church line didn't throw me in the way it did others. It did, along with the voice, set this for me in the south for some reason. Is that where this is set? The inner thought process of the MC, the conversation with the dad especially, worked really well. Good job!
Jacqueline #6
Ooh! I love it!
ReplyDeleteAlthough, uh... what exactly is #YayYA?
It's a blog hop I host every few months :D http://whatrachelwrote.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html
DeleteOh! Cool! I don't think I'd be able to manage a decent one by the time it starts today, but I'd love to participate in the next one (if there is another one)!
Delete