Rachel,
Here it is! Thanks!
Kelly Hopkins
35-Word pitch: When Annie is busted for selling her foster parents’ meth, she’s placed in an alternative rehab in program to become a vice cop working child exploitation cases. Her options? Cooperate or go to jail.
500 word sample:
There are days when you wish you could hit the rewind, crawl back under the covers, and have a serious do-over. Like days when you get caught with twenty bags of meth in your backpack on the way to gym class because the vice principal’s had it in for you since the first day of the term. Days when the best thing you can hope for is a cop car with good air conditioning on your ride into the tank.
"She's clean, says the big goon that doubles as the school rent-a-cop as he waves the test-stick in front of my face like I just won the lottery. His face shines with sweat. He's nervous and twitchy, like he expects me to go all Joker on him and make my yellow, No. 2, Ticonderoga pencil disappear up his nose.
"No duh, Sherlock," I spit back at him and toss my hair over my shoulder. He glares at me and I sink deeper into the protective shell of my old, army jacket.
He’s waiting for me to write up my statement on the bright yellow legal pad he dropped in front of me. He’s gonna be waiting a heck of a long time.
"Her urine might be clean, but if she's dealing in this poison, she's got to be using it too." Principal Jack-Off waves at the twenty-dollar bags lying on his desk—bags that I hid in the ripped lining of my backpack, ready for delivery after school to a half-dozen, loyal customers.
Really? Since when is he an expert on what I’d willingly put in my body? Battery acid? Drain cleaner? Antifreeze? I know what's in that stuff—poison.
It’s my own personal brand, and you won't catch me using it to clean the locker room urinal.
"Where did you get the meth, Annie?"
Where? That’s not a complicated question from where I’m sitting. In my life, that's like asking me what I ate for breakfast. Crank's my life. But not by choice. Never by choice.
A knock on the door prevents me from telling the principal what part of his anatomy he should search for his answer. Two big-as-the-doorway, Pennsylvania state cops fill the tiny hallway outside the office like monstrous, gray thunderheads blocking the last rays of my sunshine.
Their hands hover near their guns.
Hello! Teenager over here, not a Charlie Manson look-a-like. Jeez! Does everyone think I’m about to lose it?
I swallow hard as my heart pounds jackrabbit fast. I will my hands not to shake.
From somewhere far away behind me, I hear the principal ask me again, "Where did you get the meth?" But I’m not listening to him anymore. I’m not really here. This is all so screwed up.
“You’re smart. Figure it out,” I snap as I pick at the frayed strings escaping from a tear in my jeans.
Hi Kelly, I'm giving all of the above-and-below entries a first read tonight. I'm getting a good sense of the character already and I look forward to giving you more in-depth feedback over this weekend and into next week.
ReplyDeletePitch: This is a great summary and sounds like an intriguing story, but as a pitch, it's a little flat. Is there some way to make it clearer what her struggle is and what's at stake for her? Not that you need to put it exactly this way, but I feel like I'm missing the "she must _____ or _____" element. Another way to amp this up would be to inject a bit of the snarky teenaged voice that's so prominent in the opening.
ReplyDeleteFirst 500: Wow, for the win! Tense, snarky, engaging. Well done! Not a lot I would change here, just some nitpicks:
I think you can strike "Guess what? Today is that day." - the foregoing paragraph implies it enough that you don't need it. Missing a quotation mark after "She's clean". I'm not sure what a "number two Ticonderoga" is, although I love the specificity. Maybe remove the paragraph break before "He's gonna be waiting..." I think the description of where she stashed them needs to move a bit; as it stands it's standing between Principal JO's question and her reaction.
Thanks! The pitch is the hardest part. I see another mention that I do not list the stakes for Annie in the pitch. Definitely what I need to work on.
DeleteTiconderoga #2 pencil. My school life is showing. Of course everyone will not know that. I appreciate your observations. If I work on this, I can make it much tighter.
Hi, Kelly. This is going to be a great story. The voice is there. Annie has a chip on her shoulders, but is vulnerable.
ReplyDeleteHere are a few suggestions, take them or leave them, as you wish.
Pitch: What will happen to Annie if the rehab program fails? You need to include a stake.
Since this story is told in Annie’s voice, her POV, are the italics needed?
Near the beginning of the story, it should be “She’s clean,” says the big goon, etc.
The reference to the lottery doesn’t sound right to me. I’d end the sentence after the word face.
Is a Ticonderoga a pencil? The reference is confusing.
You’re off to a good start! Good luck!
Thanks for the suggestions. I completely agree about the pitch. I'm already revising based on your ideas!
DeleteI think the italics help pull her inner voice into the story. I've talked to several authors on this and everyone seems to have a different opinion. But I will critically look at those areas and see if it's really necessary. Yep, that's a pencil. Will add the word to the paragraph to make it clearer. Thanks!
First Impression:
ReplyDeleteI like this girl. She's tough without being abrasive.
Critique:
"'She's clean, says the big goon" is missing a quotation mark.
"my yellow number two Ticonderoga" I knew what you were talking about because I'm also obsessed with school supplies, but specifying that it's a yellow number two Ticonderoga pencil would clarify for others who don't share the love ;)
"He loses his train of thought when I put just the right amount of effort into my baby blues." I'm not sure "effort" is the right word here. I never really think of people as putting effort into their eyes. Maybe another word would serve you better?
Besides that, the italicizing for your MC's thoughts is not really necessary as we're already in first person POV. It's more of a distraction than anything else. Also the use of a nickname for the principal is a bit confusing. I understand what you're trying to do with that, but it might clarify things just to use a regular name for him, or to stick to an identical nickname each time you mention him.
Concluding Thoughts:
I love this girl. I want to read more about this girl. I sympathize with her, and I want to take a journey with her, of course in hopes that her life will get better. She reminds me of Anya Balanchine from Gabrielle Zevin's amazing book, All These Things I've Done. Which coming from me is high praise because Anya's one of my all-time favorite YA heroines ;) Keep it up, this was stellar.
Hi Kelly!
ReplyDeleteWow, this chick is awesome! Her attitude feels natural, and unforced , which isn't easy to do. I think your first 500 are pretty solid, just a few areas which could be tighten or maybe changed for clarity. As Laura mentioned, for someone who doesn't buy school supplies, using the "my yellow number two Ticonderoga", I had no clue what you meant. I had to look it up to make sure what you said was in fact a number 2 pencil.
Where? That’s a complicated question. In my life, that's like asking me what I ate for breakfast. Crank's my life. Not by choice.
Never by choice. [Like the start of this, however I would either cut out the "Never by choice" or insert in the end of the previous paragraph.]
Two big-as-the-doorway, Pennsylvania state cops fill the tiny hallway outside the office like monstrous gray thunderheads blocking the last rays of my sunshine. [I see what you're trying to convey here, but it feels stilted.]
Like others have said, since we are reading the story through her POV, I would think about taking out some of the internal thoughts. I do see by using this you see her feisty personality, but maybe you can use dialogue to achieve this.
Final thoughts, I think this is great and I'd love to read this to see what happens. I do feel your pitch is good, but as someone else said inserting her voice would really pitch this up! Great job, you're so close and if you are doing pitch wars, you have a real shot!
Monica M. Hoffman #12
@mmhoffman14
Hey there, Kelly! (Jamie #19)
ReplyDeleteAlong with echoing the above comments, I'll add a few of my own.
General Notes: Great voice (which you've already been told, lol). I can tell by your strong word choices and expressions like "jackrabbit fast" that you're probably already on the "avoid overusing adverbs" wagon, so I won't remind you to do so. (But I just did. My apologies, lol...) I think this is an interesting premise and I'd be interested to see where this story goes.
Line Edits: (Forgive me. I can't even help myself...Oh, and this excludes any mistakes/suggestions already mentioned by other commentators.)
I would look up the coordinated adjectives vs. cumulative adjective rule to be sure, but I think it should be "old, army jacket."
'twenty dollar bags' I'm pretty sure this should be 'twenty-dollar bags'. Also, 'half dozen' should be 'half-dozen.'
'Where? That’s a complicated question. In my life, that's like asking me what I ate for breakfast.'- Forgive me if I'm missing the point here, but I think this example feels off. Normally, asking a person what they had for breakfast isn't a complicated matter. Is she saying that breakfast is complicated or that where she got the crack isn't complicated? (I'm not trying to sound condescending, btw. This is just what I'm wondering when I read this.) I love her humor, but I'd use a different example if you have one that's a better fit. (Of course, this could be going right over my head, in which case, disregard this comment.)
'his obvious answer'- I would cut 'obvious', only because I'm not sure the answer is obvious to the principal.
'monstrous gray thunderheads'- For the same reason listed above, I think it should be 'monstrous, gray thunderheads.'
'But I’m not here listening to him anymore'- I understand that you probably did this to tie in with the next sentence, but I would cut "here" for flow.
Overall this is a strong entry, and I agree that you have a great shot at getting picked up for Pitch Wars or by an agent. Thanks for letting me look at this and I hope some of my comments help. Good luck!
Hiya Kelly :)
ReplyDeletepitch:
I agree with the above if you add some of Annie's snarky personality it could really make your pitch shine.
500:
Oh man I love your entry. It feels so real and I already have empathy for her because of the situation she's in. To be honest I actually enjoyed you leaving out the word pencil and I feel that if your main focus is teens reading the book then they should immediately know what a Ticonderoga is and will get the reference. If you add the word pencil I feel like it sorta pulls away from the humor, but again, just my opinion.
The only other thing I had issue with was when she's batting her eyelashes at the dude how does she know he loses his train of thought? If you could show his reaction, perhaps a blank look takes over his face or something, with a gotcha, or that's what I thought kind of reaction it might work better.
I like the italicized parts, I agree that it pulls you in more even if it's from her POV. Then again I tend to do the same thing with my MS, so I really don't know the rule of thumb, I'd say go with your gut.
I would read on, the humor is great throughout and I feel like this is a story my 15 yr old daughter would come home, toss me the book after reading, and say-- hey, mom, you gotta read this one.
Can't wait to read your revisions. :)
Cass
Title: High Vices (love the title!)
ReplyDelete35-Word pitch: Graceland/Divergent. (Maybe find a diff comp than Divergent. Most of us go straight to dystopian) Sixteen-year-old Annie is busted for selling her foster parents’ meth and enters an alternative rehab program with a diverse cast of damaged kids to become a junior( probably skip ‘junior’ we already know her age) vice cop working child exploitation cases. (Sounds like a great idea and something I’d totally read. Good concept)
First 500:
There are days when you wish you could hit the rewind, crawl back under the covers, and have a serious do-over. Like days when you get caught with twenty bags of meth in your backpack on the way to PHYS ED because the vice principal’s had it in for you since the first day of the term. (Skip the bit about the principle. You get to that later and it drags it down) Days when the best thing you can hope for is a cop car with good air conditioning on your ride into the tank.
Guess what? Today is that day.
"She's clean, says the big goon (goon seems off for the age) that doubles as the school rent-a-cop as he waves the test-stick in front of my face like I just won the lottery. ( Like I just won the lottery can be dropped) His face is shiny with sweat. He's nervous and twitchy, like he expects me to go all Joker on him and make my yellow number two Ticonderoga disappear up his nose. (Love this line)
"No duh, Sherlock," I growl (use something other than growl, not the word your looking for) (maybe spat?) and toss my hair over my shoulder. I sink deeper into the protective shell of my old army jacket.
He’s waiting for me to write up my statement on the bright yellow legal pad he dropped in front of me.
He’s gonna be waiting a heck of a long time.
I bat my eyelashes at him. He loses his train of thought when I put just the right amount of effort into my baby blues. Sigh.
"Her urine might be clean, but if she's dealing in this poison, she's got to be using it too." Principal Jack-off waves at the twenty dollar bags lying on his desk. Bags that I hid in the ripped lining of my backpack, ready for delivery after school to a half dozen loyal customers.
Really? Since when is he an expert on what I’d willingly put in my body? Battery acid? Drain cleaner? Antifreeze? (Skip the italics) I know what's in that stuff. It’s my own personal brand. You won't catch me using it to clean a toilet bowl.
"Where did you get the meth, Annie?"
Where? That’s a complicated question. In my life, that's like asking me what I ate for breakfast. Crank's my life. Not by choice. (Reword the last sentence. Reads kind of off)
Never by choice.
A knock on the door prevents me from telling the principal where to go look for his obvious answer. Two big-as-the-doorway, Pennsylvania state cops fill the tiny hallway outside the office like monstrous gray thunderheads blocking the last rays of my sunshine.
Their hands hover near their guns. Fingers flex.
Hello! Teenager over here, not a Charlie Manson look-a-like. Jeez! Does everyone think I’m about to lose it? I swallow as my heart pounds jackrabbit fast. I will my hands not to shake. (Good description and voice sounds authentic)
From somewhere far away behind me, I hear Principal J-O ask me again, "Where did you get the meth?" But I’m not here listening to him anymore.
I’m not really here. This is all so screwed up.
“It’s complicated,” I murmur as I pick at the frayed strings escaping from a tear in my jeans.
Really enjoyed it. You have a good voice for her but just make sure it stays consistent. Things are happening fast for her, so make sure the pace keeps up. Overall I doubt you’ll have to do too much work to it. Sounds great so far! Good luck!
Hi Kelly!!
ReplyDeleteRemember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!
Okay, starting off: don't use Divergent as a comp. One, it's not contemporary, and while some of the story elements may be the same, the basic premise is not at all like yours :D I agree with aforementioned sentiments that your pitch also needs stakes, but I also know how hard that can be with contemporary. But you've got an interesting and often avoided premise!
For your first 500, you have strong voice. Good, that's crucial. I don't think Phys Ed should be capitalized. If it's for emphasis, use italics. Also, I feel like her attitude and her actions sort of contradict the other a little here and there. She sinks into her jacket and growls sulkily but then a few sentences later is snarkily batting her eyelashes. I'd pick one mood or the other, probably the latter with how snarkastic her voice is. Otherwise, I have nothing to say that hasn't been said. Happy writing!!
Hi Kelly,
ReplyDeleteIntro to critique:
First, allow me to say thank you for being so brave as to put your work out there for praise and criticism. It’s never easy to send writing efforts into the world, and it’s even harder to do it when you know people are going to be reviewing it with a fine-toothed comb.
Also, please remember that this is your work, and mine is only one opinion. So, take what you like and leave what you don’t.
When I see some technical edits that need to be made, I’ll put them directly in the text in [brackets] so that you know it’s mine and you know exactly where the edit should be made. I think it’ll allow me to focus more on the story, plot, characters, etc., rather than on the copyediting.
Lastly, I actually have read a critique on your work before on Brenda Drake’s blog. For that reason, I am going to compare the original critique to your changes, and then I’ll give you my feedback. I hope this works for you.
Pitch:
I’m going to focus on your 35-word pitch first.
“Graceland/Divergent. Sixteen-year-old Annie is busted for selling her foster parents’ meth and enters an alternative rehab program with a diverse cast of damaged kids to become a junior vice cop working child exploitation cases.”
This is a very well-written pitch. I feel like I already have a sense of this character, the setting of the story, and what will happen, with plenty of room for me to wonder what will happen to bring this story to fruition. It’s also an interesting premise with promise and hope for a young girl with many obstacles to overcome. So, I’m excited to read.
(continued from above)
ReplyDeleteEntry:
“There are days when you wish you could hit the rewind, crawl back under the covers, and have a serious do-over. Like days when you get caught with twenty bags of meth in your backpack on the way to PHYS ED because the vice principal’s had it in for you since the first day of the term. Days when the best thing you can hope for is a cop car with good air conditioning on your ride into the tank.”: I love this introduction, and I think it is stronger than your first one. You put me right into the story and I already have a sense of voice. Great work!
“Guess what? Today is that day.”: As much as I like the first paragraph, I do not like this. I think you should dump this as, “She’s clean,” works very well following “…on your ride into the tank.”
“"She's clean,[“] says the big goon that doubles as the school rent-a-cop[.] as h[H]e waves the test-stick in front of my face like I just won the lottery. His face is shiny with sweat. He's nervous and twitchy, like he expects me to go all Joker on him and make my yellow number two Ticonderoga disappear up his nose.”: “His face is shiny with sweat,” is passive. Consider separating the sentence before into two, and combining this with the new sentence created, such as “He waves the test-stick in…the lottery, his face shiny with sweat.”
***
"No duh, Sherlock," I growl and toss my hair over my shoulder. I sink deeper into the protective shell of my old army jacket.
He’s waiting for me to write up my statement on the bright yellow legal pad he dropped in front of me.
He’s gonna be waiting a heck of a long time.
***
For the section above, I’m not sure if you dumped the questionable language from the Drake blog so that you could post on this particular blog, but I think it works either way, depending on your audience and agent/publisher. That is not to say there isn’t a difference. The original has a bit of an edge that this version doesn’t quite gleam with. However, certain groups of people would prefer this version, finding the original abrasive or distracting. So, you should definitely think about your audience before you finalize your use of questionable language.
“I bat my eyelashes at him. He loses his train of thought when I put just the right amount of effort into my baby blues. Sigh.”: Hmmm. This is very new, and not what I was expecting, and although it reads well, I am questioning the authenticity of this action for this character. Does she often use her feminine attributes to get what she wants? That isn’t the initial impression I got from either read of these paragraphs. If so, then you may want to rethink her first line of “No duh, Sherlock,” and replace it with something meant to charm, even as she pointedly ignores the legal pad.
“"Her urine might be clean, but if she's dealing in this poison, she's got to be using it [,]too." Principal Jack-off waves at the twenty[-]dollar bags lying on his desk . B [--b]ags that I hid in the ripped lining of my backpack, ready for delivery after school to a half dozen loyal customers.”: For clarity, “…bags lying on his desk—bags that I hid…”.
“Really? Since when is he an expert on what I’d willingly put in my body? Battery acid? Drain cleaner? Antifreeze? I know what's in that stuff. It’s my own personal brand. You won't catch me using it to clean a toilet bowl.”: After reading what you had in your original entry, and then reading what you have here, I still think you haven’t landed on the right internal dialogue here. Maybe try something like, “Not a chance.” or “Use and you lose—twice.” If you decide to use something like the second suggestion, then along with the health issues, you may want to mention its bad business to work high, even when you’re a drug dealer. You know, this would bring her brains into the story, telling us she’s brighter than we think—even if she is a drug dealer. She becomes more complex, as we consider, “What makes a smart girl deal meth?”
(continued from above)
ReplyDelete***
"Where did you get the meth, Annie?"
Where? That’s a complicated question. In my life, that's like asking me what I ate for breakfast. Crank's my life. Not by choice.
Never by choice.
***
For the section above, I really like this. The voice is powerful and I’m feeling pain she hasn’t even mentioned yet, which is the best kind of writing.
“A knock on the door prevents me from telling the principal where to go look for his obvious answer. Two big-as-the-doorway, Pennsylvania state cops fill the tiny hallway outside the office like monstrous gray thunderheads blocking the last rays of my sunshine.”: You’ve changed the first sentence of this paragraph from the original one, and I think it lacks punch. How about, “A knock on the door stops me from snapping at the principal to shove it.”
“Their hands hover near their guns. Fingers flex.”: Strong image…maybe even too strong. Would state troopers walk into a principal’s office with their fingers flexing near a gun? I do believe they’d have their guns on them, but I’m not sure they’d be invoking high-noon. A lot of cops walk around with their thumbs resting on their belt buckle—not to swagger—but because it literally gives them an easy place to rest their hands that looks natural.
***
Hello! Teenager over here, not a Charlie Manson look-a-like. Jeez! Does everyone think I’m about to lose it? [New paragraph]
I swallow as my heart pounds jackrabbit fast. I will my hands not to shake.
From somewhere far away behind me, I hear Principal J-O ask me again, "Where did you get the meth?" But I’m not [here] listening to him anymore.
I’m not really here. This is all so screwed up. [Italicize all of this.]
“It’s complicated,” I murmur as I pick at the frayed strings escaping from a tear in my jeans.
***
For the section above, I like all of this with the few suggested changes I have. Also, you’ve already told the reader that “It’s complicated,” so consider a different response. Would she say, “Nowhere. It came from nowhere.” Especially as she’s just said she isn’t really there—that she’s kind of check-out.
Closure:
All in all, this is a very engaging piece and despite what’s happening to Annie, I like her. I hurt for her already, and that’s a really strong first 500 words to make a reader feel that. I think you’ve got great potential for getting picked up—especially if you’re entering PitchWars or following up with ManuscriptWishList.com.
Good luck and I look forward to reading your final.
Katie!
ReplyDeleteWOW. Thank you for the detail. You make me feel woefully inadequate as an editor! I am rereading through your notes and appreciate the time you invested. Working hard to find a place for this book.
Revision Notes:
ReplyDeleteHey Kelly! (Jamie #19)
Two words: Nailed it! But seriously, this is great. It's awesome to see that you took all the comments/suggestions into consideration and reworked it to make it shine even more. The only thing I see is that you're still missing a close quote after "She's clean," says the goon.... So be sure to add that in. But otherwise, this is spot on. Good luck!
Kelly!
ReplyDeleteI can't get over how awesome your MC is and your voice is flawless. The changes are spot on! Great job and I just the close quote that I saw Jamie mention. But wonderful job and I need this now! Get on it! Good luck!
These are hard kind of stories for me to comment on (even though I work with troubled youth). But, everything seems good as far as I can tell. One question I have (and I feel I may be poking at a darling here) how will the Batman pop culture pencil reference fair by the time this work gets published? The movie came out a few years back and it could be (even in the best of circumstances) a while before the work would be published. Is this a concrete point in time work? That's always the trouble with pop-culture references. And, are phrases such as 'the tank' and 'Duh Sherlock' words troubled youth would use today? Sure, youth do still read and enjoy such cotemporary works of old, with phrases that have move passed their prime. So, I don't know...
ReplyDeleteHi Kelly!
ReplyDeleteI like the updates you've made, and I feel your MC's voice is more consistent this time around. Great work! I'm looking forward to seeing this in print.
Hi, Kelly. You did a super job revising your story. Adding pencil helped one part that confused me in the earlier draft. I feel like I know and understand the MC better. Good luck with your writing career.
ReplyDeleteRevision Critique:
ReplyDeleteKelly, this looks awesome. Besides the one grammatical fix suggested by Jamie, the only thing I'd recommend is considering cutting the word "days" out of your second sentence. Then it would read "Like when you get caught with twenty bags of meth in your backpack on the way to gym class because the vice principal’s had it in for you since the first day of the term." It would still fit with the rest of the paragraph which references bad days, but would make it clearer to the reader that you're referring to a specific incident that's currently taking place.
I think the slang you have your MC use is fitting. Teenagers definitely still reference Sherlock when implying to someone that a thing was obvious, though we both know they phrase it a little differently ;) This is a great read. I love the voice, love the situation. I certainly see this story ending up in print.
Hi Kelly, Kiernan from #4 here. I wasn't one of the reviewers for your original pitch but I really like what you've done here. This sounds like a fantastic story and you're hooking the reader right from the start with a tough but vulnerable heroine and really snappy writing. My only nitpicky comment is, I found the phrase "yellow, No. 2, Ticonderoga pencil" over-descriptive and distracting. I saw where you got a suggestion to expand on just Ticonderoga and I agree, I'd never have known what that meant, but I think you might be better served to just keep it simple and say "No. 2 pencil" since there's plenty else going on in that sentence. Otherwise, fantastic job!
ReplyDeleteHi Kelly!
ReplyDeleteI love the changes! I hope you do, too!
One thing on your pitch: You either have an extra "in" or a missing word. Should "alternative rehab in program" be "alternative rehab program" or "alternative rehab in-patient program"? in-patient would be one word, but you've got a spare word anyway.
Also, since you have a spare word, give us a TINY bit of worldbuilding if you can by describing Annie as where she's from or how old she is. "When seventeen-year-old Annie" or "When Bostonian Anne" will give a huge amount of context with a single word (or both if you drop the in!)
Hope that helps! Best of luck!
Hi Kelly,
ReplyDeleteOther than the previous notes I don't have much to add, this is really clean and the voice is fantastic. On the pencil, I like the yellow number 2 part, but agree that the brand isn't necessary. I also had the in-patient issue with the pitch, but this is really good. Great job!
Jacqueline#6