Name: Maddison Rodriguez
Twitter Handle: @MaddiePrimrose
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Title: Jukai
35-Word Pitch:
At 11 PM, Rocky dies during a robbery. By dawn, she’s soaring with talking dead and nightmarish monsters that make her think death is so much better. PET SEMATARY meets ANNA DRESSED IN BLOOD .
First 500 Words:
I’m not a killer.
I switch the gun’s safety off, and then I switch the safety on. I’m about as threatening as a mummy. Scary on the outside, but easy to chop into firewood and dispose if needed. I think about everything I want to do, everything I want to be―but it’s not worth thinking about.
Because I won’t live to see tomorrow.
I stand outside the humble convenience store at eleven at night. The time was the only thing I got to choose. My uncle chose the rest: the store, the location, the day, and the plot to steal money.
My hand trembles, spasms ticking at my fingers as I extract my hand from the gun. It’s stupid to touch the gun currently tucked away in my sweater’s inside pocket. I am stupid. I’m the worst person to pick for anything, and for something like this. But I’m the most disposable. Disposable.
I lick my chapped lips. Carefully, I push my glasses up my nose. They’re sliding down again. Did I even turn the safety off before moving my hand away from the gun? I start freaking out. I’m shaking like a leaf, looking over my shoulder, about as discreet as a hot air balloon in one of those hot air balloon festivals. In my lamest attempt to be inconspicuous, I shoot my hand down my sweater, thumb brushing the safety. It’s off. Thank goodness, it’s actually off. Shoot. I laugh to myself, my laugh shrilly and falsetto. I don’t know why I’m laughing. Nothing is funny about this. I clutch my stomach, the rumble from my laughter setting me on edge.
I thought doing this at eleven o’clock at night would be easier than doing it after midnight, but I was wrong. It could be the day, the crack of dawn, dusk, but it’s never going to be easy doing something like this.
Time is running out. I have to do this. Mom and Uncle need the money or else…
Thinking of the alternative makes me retch on air, and I’m nearly having an anxiety attack, panic attack, meltdown, or all of the above.
No cars have come down the street in five minutes, and that’s how I know it’s time. The stretch of asphalt is lonely, the steady blink from a streetlight its only confidant in the dark. I spin around, my knees swaying all over the place, my legs feeling like rocks. I want to go home. I want to climb under my Spider-Man blanket and bawl. That would be the most humanizing thing I’d ever do again.
My humanity is everything.
My hand jitters as I reach for the door handle. And I force myself to move. Weakly, I pull at the door; the glass feeling like it weighs a ton. Maybe it does. Maybe I am in some kind of parallel universe in another galaxy, on another planet, where committing robberies is the norm. I’d rather be anywhere else than here.
Hi Maddie! So glad you joined us at #YayYA!
ReplyDeleteMy hope is to just give you an outsider's look into what you've written. Less worried with the technical aspects and more about how it's coming across. Hope it helps!
From the top!
Genre: Fantasy is good, but broad. If it's harder to fit it more precisely then keep it, but if it really is paranormal, urban fantasy, portal fantasy, etc. then go specific. If it falls into a "dead market" it's a dead market whether or not you label it creatively, but knowing the specific category makes you look like you understand the realities of the market which gives you a step over those trying to hide or obscure their genre.
Pitch:
I'm torn. It's good on character, but light on story. A really strong pitch gives me character, plot, tone, and voice. You've definitely got character, tone, and voice, but rather than telling me what it's like I wish you would tell me where it's going. Is she fighting monsters? Is she becoming a monster? Is she fighting people? Is she a reaper? Is she solving her own murder? I can see your story going ANY of these places which makes me less excited about it. Especially since Pet Sematary is zombie and Anna is a ghost story so haunting or zombification are equally possible.
Save comps for twitter pitches or queries (though they use very different kinds of comps, these are more twitter style comps)
First 500:
I LOVE THE VOICE! So well done! The only tip I have to make it stronger is to pick a couple more loaded adverbs. Words that make it clear not only how the thing looks/smells/feels, but what the MC feels about that thing at the same time.
Now, a small technical issue. You say "Because I won't live to see tomorrow," but the entire thing is written in present tense.
As a fellow 1st Present writer I know how tempting these kind of powerful statements are, but how they are closed to us! We have to stick with things that are happening as they're happening OR couch them in vaguer terms.
"I'm sure I won't live to see tomorrow."
"There's no way I'm living to see tomorrow."
The same thing, but no longer breaking your POV/Tense. So when you look at your story again decide, do you want to be able to make absolute statements about what's going to happen or do you want it to be in First Present?
They're both EQUALLY valid approaches, most people would say go First Past, but I'm not that kinda girl. You make the decision that's right for you!
You're so on the right track here! I'm excited to see where you're taking it!
Now, to close, MY CAVEAT: This is your work. These are your characters. If I’ve made any suggestion that goes against the characters, their voice, or your voice then you’re right and I’m wrong. The purpose of any examples is to show you another way of looking at this, and it is my sincerest desire that you read them and think, “Wow, she has no idea what she’s talking about, what I SHOULD do is…” and make it more awesome than I could ever hope to consider.
Best of luck!
Hi Maddison,
ReplyDeleteThis is Kiernan at #4. I haven’t read previous comments so as not to be influenced, so apologies if I repeat things you’ve already heard.
Your pitch has a really intriguing first line, but I’m not sure after that what the stakes are? What does Rocky want and what happens if she doesn’t get it?
Your opening line is a strong hook, but as I read the rest of your 500 words I wondered if it’s the right choice, because I didn’t get the impression that she’s meant to kill anyone as part of her mission—sound like it’s supposed to be a robbery? I also wasn’t sure throughout (and this might just be my own ignorance about guns) whether she wanted the safety to be off, or on? At first I thought she wanted it on so that she wouldn’t inadvertently shoot herself, but then it sounded like she was relieved it was off (which I think means she can now fire it, right?)—perhaps in preparation for the robbery? But she doesn’t actually want to hurt anyone, right? So I got a little distracted trying to figure that out, though I do think the on-off debate accomplished your larger goal of showing her nervousness and confusion.
The voice is great – very clear and consistent throughout. Her fear, insecurity, and desperation are all very apparent. “The time was the only thing I got to choose” is a great line to show how unwilling and non-autonomous your MC is. And “Mom and Uncle need the money or else…” speaks to a tough life very succinctly. Good sense of urgency and building tension throughout—lots of reasons for a reader to continue along this journey with you.
Small proofreading things: I think you want to say “shrill and falsetto” (not shrilly); need an “of” after “dispose” in the first paragraph.
Thanks for letting me read, I enjoyed it!
Hey there, Maddison! (Jamie #19)
DeleteThis is a solid entry and you have a great voice! I agree with the comments made above, but I'll add two of my own.
General Note: I've been telling everyone this, btw. You have a strong grasp of 'voice' but be careful not to overuse adverbs. Search your MS for words ending in 'ly' and the results will shock you! (I did this and about died when I realized how many there were.) It's a fun exercise to see if you can replace or eliminate most of them, and it will push you to use stronger verbs, and get creative in your descriptions (although you already do an awesome job).
I switch the gun’s safety off, and then I switch the safety on.- For flow, I might reword this, just a touch. Maybe: I switch the gun's safety off, then on again.
Again, this is a great excerpt and I bet you'll get interest in this sooner rather than later. Thanks for letting me take a look at it and I hope you find my comments helpful. Good luck!
Hi Maddison,
ReplyDeleteI didn't read the other comments so forgive me if I repeat.
This is an incredible example of voice. Well done. I also love the first line.
In the next paragraph I wouldn't repeat the safety, and you're missing an of after dispose.
The line about not living for tomorrow doesn't work in present tense and therefore renders the "not worth thinking about" needless and put of place unless you reference to her lack of control over her own life.
You don't need "my hand trembles" because right after it you say your fingers tick and use the words my hand again.
Right after "worst person to pick" the and should be especially or something like it.
In the next paragraph you don't need "carefully" when she pushes her glasses.
You also don't need "I start freaking out" you show us what's happening, you don't need to tell us. You're great at showing these things, trust yourself.
I think the line about her laugh has a typo, should be shrill, not shrilly. In that same line the falsetto is saying something similar to shrill, if you mean using the head voice than I would find another way to say it, breathy maybe?
In the section on the blanket, I love the detail, but humanizing? Is this more foreshadowing of something she can't know?
In the last paragraph there is an I am that should be I'm.
Really, this is well done and I'm glad that the inciting incident is about to happen. I know it's coming so all this build up increases tension. But the MC makes this fun.
Jacqueline Eberli #6
Hello, Maddison!
ReplyDelete
I’m Allison (entry #8). I haven’t read through the previous comments yet, so some of what I say may be repetitive. Sorry about that.
First, I love this idea—I’m a big horror fan, and when I read your pitch I got excited! Then, when I saw the genre was Fantasy, I was sort of confused. Granted, I think I did read somewhere that horror is a sub-genre of fantasy, so maybe that works. Anyway, on to the critique…
I love your first line.
Second line: “I switch the gun’s safety off, and then I switch the safety on.” You may want to reconsider using the words SAFETY and SWITCH twice in one sentence. Maybe just, “I switch the gun’s safety off, and then turn it back on.” Same comment for this line: “I think about everything I want to do, everything I want to be―but it’s not worth thinking about.” Perhaps change the end so it’s not so repetitive. “I think about everything I want to do, everything I want to be―but it’s not worth it.”
I’m a fan of em-dashes also, and you might try using one here for effect to see how you like it: “I’m about as threatening as a mummy—scary on the outside, but easy to chop into firewood and dispose if needed.”
When I get to the “humble convenience tore” it made me pause. Is the convenience store really humble, or are you trying to say it is small/insignificant? Maybe clarify a bit so as not to personify the store.
Also, watch your tenes. “The time was the only thing I got to choose.” I could be wrong, but you might want it to say, “The time is the only thing I got to choose.”
I think there may be a different way to say “the plot to steal money,” so it flows better, but without knowing the whole story I can’t offer much to improve- I just know that it felt clunky when I read it.
I didn’t realize the gun was in the inside pocket of a sweater (do sweaters have inside pockets?) until I got further down the page. In the first few sentences I pictures your MC holding the gun in her hand, perhaps in her lap.
I questioned why “disposable” was repeated without any more elaboration. It kind of left me hanging.
I think you could remove the line “I start freaking out” because it’s more telling than showing, and the following line, “I’m shaking like a leaf” shows us that she’s freaking out.
When I got to “it could be the day, the crack of dawn, dusk…” I was confused. Perhaps, “It turns out the time of day doesn’t make a difference—day, the crack of dawn, dusk—there’s never a good time to do something like this.”
The “Mom and Uncle need money or else” felt a little awkward for me. That may be a personal preference, but maybe “My mom and uncle need the money, or else…”
I think anxiety and panic attack are the same. For dramatic effect (if you want to use three or more things), maybe change it up a bit, or simplify it.
I like your line, “The stretch of asphalt is lonely, the steady blink from a streetlight its only confidant in the dark,” and I want to love it, but I’m not sure how it’s a confidant exactly. I’m pretty literal. I think I get what you’re saying, but perhaps confidant isn’t the exact word?
Overall, I found your writing to be an easy and quick read, which I definitely like. The nitpicky comments came to me as I came across parts that made me slow down, and I think you want to build suspense rather than slow it down.
I hope my comments help, and I’m excited to see the rest when it’s published! Great job!
I'll try to add something different. You've got some good troupes filled with personality, but the sheer number in such a short span, take away from each one's power. 'Shaking like a leaf' may be cliché, And, the phrase 'about as discreet as a hot air balloon in one of those hot air balloon festivals' doesn't work, for if a balloon was at a balloon festival wouldn't it actually blend in? You need a better contrast. Unless you're trying to explain what type of hot air balloon you're talking about. Then, you could just say 'as discreet as a hot air balloon.' Or, maybe you were trying to say the MC is actually discreet.
ReplyDeleteI like the double use of 'disposable'. It gives me the feeling like the character is smacking herself while she is all ready down. And, I don't feel an explanation (at this moment) is necessary.
Hi Maddison!
ReplyDeleteRemember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!
To start off, I think your entry is better labeled as paranormal than fantasy. Otherwise I have very little to say. You've got the nerves, the punch, the voice, the full opening scene package that agents look for. I'd just be careful to vary your word choices (you use gun a lot. I know there aren't too many alternatives but readers' eyes glaze over repetition). You just need the all-important stakes in your pitch.
I don't have anything more to say that others haven't said already :) Happy Writing!!