Name: Kathryn D. Fuller
Twitter Handle: @kathryndfuller
Genre: Young Adult Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Title: THE RECEPTION
35 Word Pitch:
In 3641, Earth is dying. When religious fanatics attempt to gain control of a spaceship destined to colonize New Eden, 17yo Vayen must unify enemies to stop the hijacking and save her parents.
First 500 Words:
Ten miles outside the third largest hulled city on Earth, Vayen Kallmunz ignored the sandstorm rolling in—a massive, red wall of sand and soil stretching north and south as far as the eye could see. Instead, she cast an angry glare at the tattered East Point flag snapping overhead, obscured by dust and dirt swirling in the howling 152-degree wind. Through her hood’s lens and green goggles, the once red flag had bled to gray, shredded to colorless ribbons, like her confidence.
It was such a simple concept: Be better tomorrow than you are today.
The city’s motto, drilled into her head for as long as she could remember, taunted her. Be better tomorrow…she certainly hoped so, because today could not get any worse. Today, pea-brained idiocy reigned.
So much for being a genius.
“Today?” she mumbled to herself, testing the words on her lips, “Sure, today went fine. Just another day in the lab.” The lie felt as conspicuous as the fog clouding the inner lens of her hood.
Her lab partners emerged from the East Point University’s lab half-buried in the side of a rocky mountain. Like Vayen, Dexton and Sharmel wore matching silver and white rig suits, protecting them from the killer heat and blocking the sand that threatened to flay them alive.
“What did you say?” Dexton snapped in her headset. Considering she’d almost killed him earlier, she understood his irritation. “Are you getting in or what?”
“Just making sure these specimens don’t tip over.” She packed a small case into the trunk. The case carried six canisters full of martianium, the heaviest and most stable natural element known to man. Discovered on Mars forty years earlier, the exceptionally valuable and rare resource promised her redemption. I hope.
“Why? Protecting the evidence of your stupidity?” Dexton always resented her, so she usually ignored him. But today, his words rang with righteous anger, driving guilt into her gut.
As the lead tech and three years younger, she imagined he despised deferring to her commands, especially on a day like this. She wished she could relive the last four hours of her life with the hard-knocks wisdom gained from today’s disastrous experiment. Fearing failure and getting shut down due to funding gaps, she had rushed headlong into an experiment without testing her hypothesis first.
She dreaded owning up to her rash actions, but her father would ask about her day—he always asked. So, she would tell him, and somewhere between destroying twenty years' worth of space mining progress and almost killing her lab partners, she felt certain she’d topple from the figurative pedestal he had long ago erected for her.
She had always thought there would be relief when that happened, but she was wrong.
She cringed, not wanting to think of the conversation to come with her father. Instead, she turned to her more immediate problem: telling Professor Ming. Her boss. Her mentor.
There was no use lying to her. It was a foregone conclusion that the blasted woman knew everything.
E-ver-y-thing.
Just great.
Okay, okay. So I know this is my entry and I probably shouldn't post on my own entry, but I'm my hardest critic to please, and I just had a point I needed to post. Not sure how I missed this in the 5,555 times I edited my first chapter, but "foolish" is not a word a 17yo girl would likely use in 2015--much less 3641. So, that's going to go. I'd be foolish to keep it.
ReplyDeletePitch: My only quibble here is with "she must take steps to stop them," which strikes me as maybe too vague. Are she and her family on the ship too? Why is she the one who has to stop them?
ReplyDeleteFirst 500: For me the rubber hits the road at "Ten miles outside the third largest hulled city..." - there's a marked shift there in tone and focus; we move suddenly from inside Vayen's head to a full view of what's going on. To be honest, I think I'd start here; I found the world-building details of the coming storm and her work more compelling and concrete. You've got lots of references here to her self-recrimination; you can get into the more introspective stuff about what to tell her father and her boss after you've gotten the setting and circumstances established.
After that hinge moment, there's not much I would change - a couple of phrases you might not need (e.g. "Today, pea-brained idiocy reigned" - voice-y, but a point already well-made by the preceding and following sentences) I wondered a bit about their protective gear; 152-degree wind, flying dust and need for solar protection might call for microphones in helmets, vs. shouting over the wind. Or maybe the wind is loud enough to make it hard to hear even so?
Thanks, Amelinda! I really appreciate your feedback. You know, I've written this thing so many times it's great to get some fresh insight on it. Good call on the microphones, too. I had a line about them in earlier versions and it got cut along the trimming trail. So, I'll definitely go back and add that in. I think I'll also give a rewrite a try starting at the "Ten miles..." sentence and interweave the internal stuff from there. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi, Kathryn. Once I’m past the first paragraph, I’m intrigued. The first paragraph confused me, but after that, Wow! I want to know more about Veyan, and what she did that day at the lab. Your writing voice is good. Your descriptions, vivid. Writing fantasy of this sort has to be hard. I’ve never tried it before, and frankly, don’t know if I could. I have a few editing suggestions that you can use or not, to your liking. Good luck!
ReplyDelete[Pitch: Can you elaborate of who or what the Admin is? What makes Vayen’s family dysfunctional? How does stopping the hijackers save her family?]
[The first sentence confuses me. It’s vague. What is the lie? What did she rephrase? I’m lost here, but as I read on, I could follow the storyline perfectly. ]
Thanks Debra! I'm thinking that first line has to go, too. Much appreciate the feedback.
DeleteFirst Impression:
ReplyDeleteI love sci fi. I love well-written sci fi. I love this opening excerpt ;)
Critique:
As has been mentioned, the first sentence is worded in a confusing way. I don't think you have to change the underlying thought--starting a story with someone debating the merits of telling a lie is strong hook, just find a different way to phrase it.
I also definitely agree with a bit more description of the protective gear Vayen is wearing. Since you've made a point of specifying as to the harsh conditions, a sentence or two as to what she's got on to survive them would be well-placed.
"As the lead tech and three years younger, she imagined he despised deferring to her directions, after all, she hadn’t shown herself to be much of a leader today." There should be a full stop between "directions" and "after" as opposed to just a comma.
Concluding Thoughts:
Technically, this opening is already almost perfect. A couple tweaks and it'll be there. Strictly on the story-telling end of things, you have me completely roped in by this point. You clearly know your stuff and everything's paced perfectly. I reeeally want to know what's going on here ;)
Hi Laura,
ReplyDeleteOnce again, thank you for your kind words on Twitter and in your critique. I have been working on this story a long time and this introduction is what is killing me. The story was re-written thrice over, with four major editing sweeps, and despite feeling confident in most of everything after the first two pages, I haven't nailed my introduction, which is why I submitted for this Critique Party. I feel like something in my first few pages must be holding back agents, mentors, etc., from choosing this story for a deeper dive, as everyone else who has read it seems to think the story is worth reading, and several used the ever-desired compliment of "I couldn't put it down at that point." I'm going to take what everyone says here to heart and give these paragraphs another rewrite next weekend. Then, I'll probably print off the umpteen-dozen versions I have of the introduction and have a First Two-Pages Picking Party at my place with enough wine to bribe everyone I know to give me their time and opinion. Thanks, again!
Hello Katie!
ReplyDeleteYay, another YA Sci-fi! We need to stick together!. Anyways, here are my thoughts, you can take them or leave them.
She imagined telling it to her father, and frowned. Dissatisfied, she rephrased it, too aware of the spaces between the words full of doubt. [This first sentence is a filter sentence, which puts a wedge between the reader and the MC. I would think about rewording this.]
Instead, she felt thick, dimwitted, and dumb. [For sentence variation, I would cut one of these descriptive words. Also, I think these words may be too similar.]
It was such a simple concept: Be better tomorrow than you are today. [Love this!]
“Just making sure these specimens don’t tip over,” she called back over the wind, packing a small case carefully into the trunk. The case carried six canisters full of martianium, the heaviest and most stable natural element known to man. Discovered on Mars forty years earlier, the exceptionally valuable and rare resource was her only chance for redemption. [This is good. After the first paragraph, you do a fantastic job intertwining description to ground us in the scene, with your MC's inner thoughts, and moving the story along.]
Someone hit on the one thing the stood out in the entire 500 words. 152-degree wind is HOT. Any clarification on what is needed to survive in that environment would be the cherry on top. It would ground the reader more. Hope this make sense.
Overall, this is a story I would eat up. I think I'd have a hard time putting it down. I love Sci-fi and this story in particular sound amazing and it sounds like it deals with science! YAY! Great job!
Monica M. Hoffman #12
Thanks Monica! Yep, it's a scorcher...everyday in 3641. But I agree that some clarity on the gear here may help to make her ability to survive it clearer. Thank you!
DeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteYou have my interest with your futuristic, dystopian pitch. I’m having a hard time connecting (probably just me) the two sentences into one picture. Is there a way to take the first sentence and relate it to Vayen? Can you explain the steps she has to take in some way to explain the conflict she’s facing?
First 500 Words:
I think your story begins here: Ten miles outside the third largest hulled city on Earth, Vayen ignored the sandstorm rolling in—a massive, red wall of sand and soil stretching north and south as far as the eye could see. Instead, she cast an angry glare at the tattered East Point flag snapping overhead, obscured by dust and dirt swirling in the shifting, howling 152-degree wind. Through her green goggles, the once red flag had bled to gray, shredded to colorless ribbons. [This is where I can visualize your scene and it is awesome. The sand, the wind, her goggles. Think about starting here and weaving all that great prose into the dialogue.]
[Vayen comes across as a tough chick if she is standing up to this storm. Later on she is more vulnerable and introspective. Do you want her to be both at this point?]
[Can you add more dialoge here?]
Kind of like her confidence.
It was such a simple concept: Be better tomorrow than you are today.
The city’s motto, drilled into her head for as long as she could remember, taunted her. Be better tomorrow…she certainly hoped so, because today could not get any worse. Today, pea-brained idiocy reigned.
So much for being a genius.
Coming from the East Point University’s lab half-buried in the side of a rocky mountain, Dexton and Sharmel, her lab partners, wore the same silver and white protective solar gear Vayen wore.
“Are you getting in or what?” Dexton yelled at her over the screech of the wind. He sounded irritated. Considering she’d almost killed him earlier, she couldn’t blame him.
“Just making sure these specimens don’t tip over,” she called back over the wind, packing a small case carefully into the trunk. The case carried six canisters full of martianium [this would be capitalized], the heaviest and most stable natural element known to man. Discovered on Mars forty years earlier, the exceptionally valuable and rare resource was her only chance for redemption [from? Do we need to know more to worry about her a little?].
“Why? Protecting the evidence of your stupidity?” Dexton resented her [why?]. He always had, so usually she ignored him. But today, his words rang with righteous anger, driving guilt into her gut.
As the lead tech and three years younger, she imagined he despised deferring to her directions, after all, she hadn’t shown herself to be much of a leader today. [Now you get into why he doesn’t like her. Think about combining this with the above reference so you don’t have to say it twice in a short span] She wished she could relive the last four hours of her life with the hard-knocks wisdom gained from today’s disastrous experiment.
What happened? I want to know more. What did she do or not do? Just some rambling thoughts and questions that I had. If these are the questions you want your readers to have, you are dead on!
Best,
Kelly (#17)
Hi Kelli! Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I'm getting the same feedback from others as well...I'm gonna give the "Ten mile" sentence a try at first place in line in the rewrite. Thanks again!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete35 Word Pitch: 3641. Earth is dying and the Admin dictates life. When religious fanatics threaten to hijack a spaceship destined to colonize New Eden, 17yo Vayen must take steps to stop them and save her dysfunctional family.
I think this pitch is pretty killer, except for one thing. The take steps to stop them is SUPER vague. What specifically does she need to do? Infiltrate Admins command, hack the system, seduce the Admin's daughter, tie ribbons,etc? Whatever she has to do, that is what makes your story unique, imo. That's what will sell, and it probably will take about as many words as take steps to stop them...
Unless of course she literally needs to walk a thousand miles, then steps is totally fine.
500: This is good stuff. I adore the voice, and the setting, and the unobtainium...I mean Martianium, It's fun, and I really like the POV character. My only real suggestion, s that you need to start with the lie.
Everything went fine.
then move to the first sentence describing how the lie feels in her mouth. It kind of feels like we are reading a later chapter, like you started us a little too late, and I think just adding that one line to the beginning ( And whatever you think the lie is will work) will make it grounded in the hear and now, and not in the past.
Hope this helps!
~Sheena #11
Hi Sheena,
DeleteThis is great stuff! Thank you for the input. Now I have two possible solutions to fix the glitch in the first sentence. I'm also working on the pitch using your suggestions! Thanks, again!
Hey there, Katie! (Jamie #19)
ReplyDeleteYou've gotten quite a bit of feedback at this point, so along with agreeing with most of what's been said above (try a different starting point, add the protective gear, you have a strong voice) I'll add a few thoughts of my own.
One: As I tell everyone, be wary of overusing adverbs! As a fun exercise, search your MS for words that end in "ly". Then (excluding adjectives) see how many of them you can replace or eliminate. It'll force you to be more creative in your descriptions and help you choose stronger verbs. Always trust your voice, but I know I have improved as a writer as I've tried not to lean on adverbs.
Two: I'm from Mesa, AZ originally. In the summers, it got over 121* so I feel this place. Have you ever thought about that feeling, when you reach into the oven to grab something and the heat wafts at you? That feeling is what Vayen is walking in. It's a lot like the oven. In that kind of heat you can see it radiated off pavement/sand/water. You sweat before you've been in it a minute, and your scalp will be damp within seconds. Also, just breathing makes you thirsty, because it's so dry. Even with protective gear, she'd be feeling some of these symptoms. So for realism, I'd try to incorporate a few of these into the description.
This really is a great entry- clean, well written, free of grammar mistakes and typos- and I'm sure with some tweaks you'll find success. Thanks for letting me take a look at it, and I hope my (few) comments are of some help to you! Good luck!
Hi Jamie! I haven't got to your entry yet, but should be there by Thursday or Friday. Wow, that's all I can say. Thank you for the feedback and description. I've been in 105, but never 121, so this gives me lots of ideas and improvements to work with. I really appreciate you sharing. ALSO, funny thing about the adverbs. I actually have checked it for "-ly" and "had, were, was, can, couldn't help, be, being, been, have..." and just about every other auxiliary very you can think of. However, I've done a lot of editing/revising/rewriting and I've obviously written some back in, so I'll check it again. Thanks for the callout!
DeleteHi Katie!
ReplyDeleteRemember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!
WOO what a premise! Your pitch is excellent, though I think you could cut mentioning the Admin. Earth is dying is telling enough for us to understand the rest of the basic concept, and it gives you a few more words to pitch with.
Cut fantasy from your genre. This is definitely sci-fi.
I think you can cut the opening paragraphs. Start with Vayen anticipating speaking to Professor Ming. While these prior bits are artistic and interesting, they're almost too internal for an opening and can be spoonfed throughout the rest of the excerpt by showing us how her "initial problem" relates to her problems with her dad.
I'd like to be put "more there" with her surroundings. I get a great grasp of her, but I feel like she's standing in the middle of nowhere for awhile until you mention the University and the lab coats and such. She's standing outside in a sandstorm, apparently unflinching. I'm going to guess if you cut the internal parts, it'll automatically anchor us more in the setting, but just food for thought.
Otherwise, this looks great! Again, I love the premise. Happy Writing! :D
Hi Rachel, thanks for the great feedback. I've got so many ideas from everyone that I may end up having to write two version and have everyone vote on it!
DeleteHiya Katie :)
ReplyDelete35 Word Pitch: 3641. Earth is dying and the Admin dictates life. When religious fanatics threaten to hijack a spaceship destined to colonize New Eden, 17yo Vayen must take steps to stop them and save her dysfunctional family.
Love your pitch. As Sheena said, show me what steps are needed to stop them :)
First 500 Words:
[throw us in the moment, what is the lie?] Foreign and alien, the lie molded to her lips, and Vayen weighed its merit. She imagined telling it to her father, and frowned. Dissatisfied, she rephrased it, too aware of the spaces between the words full of doubt.
Her fear of failure had made her foolish, and she dreaded owning up to it. But he would ask about her day—he always asked. So, she would tell him, and somewhere between destroying twenty years' worth of space mining progress and almost killing her lab partners, she felt certain she’d topple from the figurative pedestal he had long ago erected for her. [I like how you're giving us an idea of their relationship. If you stick with keeping the first paragraph can you heighten the tension by showing us some physical reactions to her anxiety?]
Ten miles outside the third largest hulled city on Earth, Vayen ignored the sandstorm rolling in—a massive, red wall of sand and soil stretching north and south as far as the eye could see. Instead, she cast an angry glare at the tattered East Point flag snapping overhead, obscured by dust and dirt swirling in the shifting, howling 152-degree wind. Through her green goggles, the once red flag had bled to gray, shredded to colorless ribbons. [ I agree with Jamie-- I lived in Las Vegas NV for a number of years and when the temperature got into the high teens-20's past 100 everything is different. The way your body reacts, the way your mind thinks. Your skin feels like it's baking as well as your brain if you're in it long. Would love to see more reaction to the heat. Or if the suit negates all of that would love to see what about the suit makes it so it all goes away.]
It was such a simple concept: Be better tomorrow than you are today. [Love it]
The city’s motto, drilled into her head for as long as she could remember, taunted her. Be better tomorrow…she certainly hoped so, because today could not get any worse. Today, pea-brained idiocy reigned. [yes]
So much for being a genius.
Love her voice. I think it's a very interesting story and would love to read on. Your pages are tight, well written, and engaging. They make me want to know what's next :)
Thanks, Cass! I appreciate your great feedback and I'll keep it in mind as I do my rewrite.
DeleteThe stupid comment section won't let me post my whole critique in one so here's part and the next part is to follow. :-)
ReplyDeletetend to prefer a more urban fantasy vs Sci Fi but I’m loving this and would totally read it. I like how you peppered the description through out the piece instead of an info dump. The descriptions were vivid and kept with the tone and I feel like I have a sense of exactly where I am, which is hard bc it’s so foreign. Watch the format and make sure the description doesn’t bury or slow down the story. Great job!
THE RECEPTION
3641. Earth is dying and the Admin dictates life. When religious fanatics threaten to hijack a spaceship destined to colonize New Eden, 17yo Vayen must take steps to stop them and save her dysfunctional family. (Solid Pitch. Nothing to add. Gets to the point, has a hook, and states a clear goal for your MC)
Foreign and alien, the lie molded to her lips, and Vayen weighed its merit. (The last phrase seems forced or off somehow. Maybe try another word for ‘merit’) She imagined telling it to her father, and frowned. Dissatisfied, she rephrased it, too aware of the spaces between the words full of doubt. (Combine the two sentences into one. I think I could easily be one coherent thought)
ReplyDeleteHer fear of failure had made her foolish, and she dreaded owning up to it. But he would ask about her day—he always asked. So, she would tell him, and somewhere between destroying twenty years' worth of space mining progress and almost killing her lab partners, she felt certain she’d topple from the figurative pedestal he had long ago erected for her. (Excellent sentence. Clearly shows her relationship with her father)
She had always thought there would be relief when that happened.
Instead, she felt thick, dimwitted, and dumb.
She cringed. (Not sure why the sentences are formatted like they are. It’s taking attention away from the writing)
Not wanting to think of that any longer, she turned to her more immediate problem: telling Professor Ming. Her boss. Her mentor.
There was no use lying to her. It was a foregone conclusion that the blasted woman knew everything.
E-ver-y-thing.
Just great.(These last few sentences can be tightened to keep the pace and tension/dread going)
Ten miles outside the third largest hulled city on Earth, Vayen ignored the sandstorm rolling in—a massive, red wall of sand and soil stretching north and south as far as the eye could see. Instead, she cast an angry glare at the tattered East Point flag snapping overhead, obscured by dust and dirt swirling in the shifting, howling 152-degree wind. Through her green goggles, the once red flag had bled to gray, shredded to colorless ribbons. (LOVE this part and the description)
Kind of like her confidence.
It was such a simple concept: Be better tomorrow than you are today.
The city’s motto, drilled into her head for as long as she could remember, taunted her. Be better tomorrow…she certainly hoped so, because today could not get any worse. Today, pea-brained idiocy reigned.
So much for being a genius.
Coming from the East Point University’s lab half-buried in the side of a rocky mountain, Dexton and Sharmel, her lab partners, wore the same silver and white protective solar gear Vayen wore. (Tighten the sentence)
“Are you getting in or what?” Dexton yelled at her over the screech of the wind. He sounded irritated. (The statement shows irritation so you don’t need that last sentence) Considering she’d almost killed him earlier, she couldn’t blame him.
“Just making sure these specimens don’t tip over,” she called back over the wind, packing a small case carefully into the trunk. The case carried six canisters full of martianium, the heaviest and most stable natural element known to man. Discovered on Mars forty years earlier, the exceptionally valuable and rare resource was her only chance for redemption.
“Why? Protecting the evidence of your stupidity?” Dexton resented her.(Maybe ‘Dexton had always resented her, so she usually ignored him’) He always had, so usually she ignored him. But(skip but) today, his words rang with righteous anger, driving guilt into her gut.
As the lead tech and three years younger, she imagined he despised deferring to her directions, after all, she hadn’t shown herself to be much of a leader today. She wished she could relive the last four hours of her life with the hard-knocks wisdom gained from today’s disastrous experiment.
Hi Cayce!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback!
Revision Notes:
ReplyDeleteHey Katie! (Jamie #19)
Well, this has my stamp of approval! Take that for what it's worth (lol) but I think this is excellent. The new starting point makes a big difference and even the little changes you made really helped this to feel authentic. I felt more pulled in this time, even having read it before. As long as you're aware of the adverbs then I'll trust that you're using them intentionally (ly) and sparingly (ly). LOL. Good luck! This is going to be great:)
Thanks, Jamie! I appreciate the feedback and I did keep the adverbs I have purposeful(ly). I'll give it another read before the final gets submitted on 17 AUG! So ready for Pitch Wars!
DeleteKatie!
ReplyDeleteYou hit this one out of the park. The changes you made were perfect and I now understand everything that is happening! Fantastic job and good luck and I need to read this like now!
Thank you!
DeleteYou've painted a good picture of the rugged nature of the future world. I can picture it. I think your writing is a hint on the adjective-heavy side, which in turn softens the overall feel. And the term as far as the eye can see, seems cliché. In addition, I sense that you are trying to feed us information as opposed to set up the story.
ReplyDeleteHi Rollan, too true about the "as far as the eye can see bit." I'll give that a rework. As far as the adjectives, I'm assuming you mean the "stupid, pea-brained," etc. bit. I actually want it to be softer because Vayen is a 17yo girl with hopes and dreams like most 17yos and she feels disappointment when she lets herself down, and most of the 17yo I know are harder on themselves than anyone else when they feel they've screwed up. So, I think it fits for her age. All the same, I appreciate the feedback and I'll give it another review for adjectives before Pitch Wars on 17 AUG. Thank you!
DeleteHi, Katie. I love this! You are a fantastic writer, and I want to add, a super critique advisor. Let me know when your book comes out! I can't wait to read it.
ReplyDeleteI love it, Katie. Great job! You already know the couple tweaks I had to recommend, so all I have to say here is that everything looks awesome and I think you have a good shot at getting into Pitch Wars. Can't wait to see where this book takes you, and to read the rest of it after the 17th!
ReplyDeleteHi Kathryn! Sorry I didn't make it here sooner! Hopefully I can give you even more ideas on making your work shine!
ReplyDeletePitch:
Great improvements! Amazing job at the worldbuilding. One suggestion:
Replace the second sentence with something that focuses more on what makes this unlike any other generation ship story. I don't know for sure what that is, so you'll have to decide, but it could be what kind of enemies they are. It could be what issue divides them. It could be something special about life in the future.
Worry less about the stakes of the outcome and more about the quality of the problem.
I know this is different from most advice you hear, but SFF is most often "save your family, save yourself, save the world" so that's the least unique part of our pitch, the most unique is the problem we've set up for our MC, so focus on that!
First 500:
I enjoyed this, but think your first paragraph might not be helping you as much as you want it to. It starts in a very tropey place which sets those who read a LOT of stories against it immediately. Describing the weather, I can see, is important worldbuilding, but it isn't more important than something that gets us a connection with the MC.
If you were writing Adult I probably wouldn't mention it, but since it's YA, focus on Vayen, then the world, then the plot and it'll hook faster.
Hope this has been of any help at all!
Best of luck!