Genre: Fantasy
Title: Magic by Blood, Book 1
35-word pitch: Charmed/Harry Potter-ish story. Three girls meet for the first time to find out they have more in common. The bond they form will ultimately be the savior or the destruction of their world. .
First 500: Tap. Tap. Tap.
Genova sat up from her bed. Someone was at the door. She felt her heart race. No one had ever come by before. In fact, she believed that no one ever knew that she and her grandmother, Nora, even existed. Her surprise turned to anxiousness. Maybe it was…but it couldn’t be. Why not? Turning sixteen had always been a turning point for any girl, right? So why couldn’t this be who she hoped? It would definitely make a perfect birthday present.
She got up from the bed and walked to her door. She opened it a little, just enough to hear her grandmother talking to their visitor.
“Magandang hapon, Aleng Nora,” said the visitor. It was a man who, though he spoke Tagalog, Genova could tell was a foreigner, because he had an accent.
“Anong kailangan mo?” Nora responded, a twinge of annoyance in her voice.
“You know why I’m here, Nora.”
Genova’s brows furrowed. Obviously, this visitor wasn’t a stranger - at least, not to her grandmother. Nevertheless, why the cold reception from the elderly woman? She had never heard Nora speak in that tone. She dared to open her door a little bit more, but did not walk out. She heard Nora let out a scoff, but told the visitor to come in. Genova’s curiosity was growing by the second and she anxiously waited for her grandma to call her out.
The visitor was an older man with silver hair that glinted when he passed the lamp in the living room. He had pale skin and wore an old gray sweater over his white shirt and gray slacks. She watched as his wrinkly right hand reached for his sombrero, his long skinny fingers holding onto the brim.
She reverted her eyes to Nora, who stood by the now-closed door with her arms crossed on her chest and her old brown eyes glaring. He remained standing even though he could have sat down on the old wicker couch. Genova suspected that he was waiting for an offer to sit. He was looking at her grandmother, smiling, unnerved by the old woman’s wicked glares.
“So how have you been, Nora? It’s been a long time.”
“Hindi pa masyadong matagal,” Nora spat. “I had hoped that you would never come back here. Ever.”
The old man smiled as he shook his head. Then he chuckled.
“Like I said, you know why I’m here.”
The old woman sighed. It almost sounded…defeated. Nora gestured the man to sit as she sat in the chair across from the couch, the coffee table giving them distance.
“Alam ko nga kung bakit nandito ka, Abraham,” she said, leaning back. “But it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.”
“I know you don’t like it. I get that. But it’s necessary.”
“Are you positive that he’s back?”
He? Who was this “he”? Genova was having a hard time even believing that her grandmother spoke English, let alone knowing the reason for this man’s 
Hey there, Edi! I'm a huge fan of Harry Potter, so I'd be excited to read this just from your comp titles.
ReplyDeleteGeneral Notes: I love the first line. It's simple, but caught my interest. I was immediately compelled to keep reading. Good job! I like that you use "Tagalog" to give us a setting and feel for the culture, but I would be wary of how much you use it, especially in the first pages when you have limited time to grab a reader/agent's attention.
Line Edits: (I'm OCD, forgive me.)
Just a thought, but I might rework the first couple sentences as follows:
There was a knock at the door. Genova sat up in bed, her heart racing. (I think this flows a little better, but trust your voice.)
'In fact, she believed that no one ever knew that she and her grandmother, Nora, even existed.'- If it were mine, I might reword like this: In fact, they were so seldom acknowledged that Genova was convinced no one even knew she or her Grandmother Nora existed.
I like the rest of the first paragraph: I'm getting a feel for Genova's personality and can tell that she's hoping a special someone was the one at the door. Great job! (Although, be careful of over using adverbs! Search your MS for words that end in 'ly' and you'll be surprised! Just something to think about!)
'It was a man who....'- As it is, this sentence feels a bit off. I would say: Though the man spoke Tagalog, his words were laced with an accent. Genova thought he must be a foreigner. (Or Something.)
'Nevertheless'- Unless this is historical, I would say, "Then why..."
Genova’s curiosity was growing by the second and she anxiously waited for her grandma to call her out.- Two things: I'd replace 'was growing' with 'grew.' It's a conscience choice to use active words, so I feel your pain! (Replaced this all the time in my MS, once I saw them.) Secondly: Adverb! 'Anxiously' also tells but doesn't show. Try "and she bounced with nervous energy as she waited..."
This is a great description of the stranger. I'm getting a feel for so many things from these few lines and I'm seeing the room as Genova does. Great job!
"old brown eyes"- I would look up the coordinated adjectives vs. cumulative adjective rule to be sure, but I think it should be "old, brown eyes."
He was looking at her grandmother, smiling, unnerved by the old woman’s wicked glares.- Two things: One, 'He was looking' could be 'He looked". (Remember, active words! You can do it!) Two, you POV hop here. Genova can't know that the stranger is unnerved unless he tells her. She can guess, or suppose though, so I'd say, "... smiling. He seemed unnerved by the old woman's wicked glares."
Wow, great tension in this dialogue. (Also, I'm kind of waiting for him to be the "Hagrid" character, coming to take Genova away, so that could be part of it, lol.)
Nora gestured the man to sit as she sat in the chair across from the couch, the coffee table giving them distance.- This reads a bit odd to me. To avoid having 'sit' and 'sat' so close together, I would try it like this: Nora gestured for the man to take a seat, as she dropped into the chair across from the couch, keeping the coffee table between them. (And there might need to be an em dash between couch and keeping, but I don't know how to make them!!!!)
The whole "He? Who was this he?" had me screaming, "VOLDMORT! He's back!!!!" JK, but I love the tension here. I'm so curious about this now! Great way to introduce us to the idea of the villain. He already sounds notorious!
"Was having" is ok to keep, btw. If you're ever not sure, just read it out loud both ways and your ears will let you know.
BAH!!!! I want the rest of this sentence, so good job getting me invested! Thanks for letting me look at this and I hope some of these comments are helpful to you. Good luck!
Pitch: In the advice I've found while roaming the intert00bz, I've read a few times to avoid using Harry Potter as a comp title; it's too wildly successful to be credible. Can you tell us more about what the girls have in common ("more" than what?) I'm guessing magic is part of it? If so maybe scratch the comps in favour of a more detailed description. You can also save a few words by using verbs vs. nouns in the last phrase - i.e. "will save or destroy their world"
ReplyDeleteFirst 500: I like the mystery of who this person is and what he's doing there. Tension is well established, as is some prior relationship/knowledge that Nora and the stranger share. Nice couple of understated details to establish setting (sombrero, wicker couch) - I think you could amp these up, in fact; what are Genova and Nora wearing? Is the night chilly (given stranger's sweater) - would there be a cold draft from the open door?
I'd echo the caution above against using too much Tagalog in direct speech. (It should probably be in italics where it appears, btw.) Maybe also keep an eye out for phrases that filter what's happening through the MC's point of view - for example, "She heard Nora let out a scoff" can become simply "Nora let out a scoff." "She reverted her eyes to Nora" is a little awkward; instead of telling us where she's looking, you can just switch back to focusing on Nora in the description, e.g. "Nora swung the door closed and stood there with her arms crossed over her chest..."
I had the same thought as the poster above about who's "back" :) so to my mind that might be another reason to avoid the HP comp title - plot elements like that leaping to mind might undermine the sense of mystery you're building here.
Your entry blew me away! It’s beautifully written, highly visual, and left me hanging. I want to read more! I did some editing, but you can use my suggestions or not. Your first 500 words are a great beginning to your novel.
ReplyDelete[Would like to see more description about the girls, tell what they have in common in the pitch.]
[2nd line, is ever needed? Turning used twice in one sentence – could another word be used for one of them?]
[She got up change to She arose.]
[because he had an accent change to by his accent.]
[Her eyes reverted to Nora,] [invitation to sit.] [ He was staring at her grandmother,]
[So how are you, Nora?]
[to sit. She settled in the chair across]
Hi Edi,
ReplyDeleteThis is Kiernan at #4. I haven’t read previous comments so as not to be influenced, so apologies if I repeat things you’ve already heard.
Your pitch sounds really interesting! The phrase “they have more in common” begs the question “more than what”? which isn’t really answered in your pitch. So perhaps adjust that wording. I found myself pausing between “the savior or the destruction” because I think of savior as a person and destruction as an occurrence. I wanted those things to balance more in my brain and thought you could use “salvation” instead of savior. Or, you could save a few words and say, “will ultimately save or destroy their world.”
Terrific opening to your 500—love the idea that these two women are completely alone in the world and that Genova doesn’t think anyone even knows they exist. And who is she hoping comes to the door? I’m intrigued and want to find out! I thought you could vary your sentence structure in the beginning a bit more, since you start with four very short sentences.
I thought generally you set the tone very well that something mysterious and unwelcome is about to take place. The only bit that felt slightly dissonant was when the old man smiled, and then chuckled. It felt like too lighthearted a response given Nora’s distress. Maybe it will become clear why in later pages, but I thought I’d flag for you.
I liked the inclusion of their language but wasn’t always sure what was happening linguistically—are you putting their dialogue in Tagalog and then repeating it in English for the reader’s sake, or having them say one line in Tagalog, and a different line in English? At first I assumed the former and that the entirety of their conversation was happening in Tagalog, but then at the end Genova mentioned she didn’t realize her grandmother spoke English, so I was unsure.
Overall a really intriguing concept with lots of reasons to read on in your early pages!
Hello, Edi!
ReplyDeleteI would love to see you combine your pitch into one sentence, but trust yourself and your story. My idea is below:
Three girls meet for the first time and learn their common bond of ________ will ultimately save or destroy their world.
I like the imagery at the beginning of your story. I played with it a little. Take it or leave it, just suggestions. I think you have some great pacing with a few tweaks.
Genova sat up in bed, her heart raving. A knock at the door. No one came to her Grandmother Nora’s house. Ever.
Maybe it was…but it couldn’t be. Surprise tumbled into anxiousness. Today was her birthday. Sixteen. The day that marked her turn from child to adult.
Could this knock be the answer to her birthday wish?
I love the adult banter back and forth that makes me believe they know Genova is listening and are purposely censoring the conversation, but I would put a foreign language in italics. If I were Genova, that would drive me crazy. Does the fact that the man speaks another language with and accent allude to the fact that he is foreign? Maybe she will recognize that accent as related to a location. You might want to reword that sentence to drop the comma use. “The man spoke Tagalog with an accent.” She can then wonder: “Where is he from?” or “Why is a man from _______ here? On my birthday?”
She's eavesdropping on a cold day. When she opens the door does the heat from the fire downstairs rush up at her? Does she wrap herself in a blanket from the bed? Just ideas. I really what to know what she is hoping for on her birthday!
“The visitor was an older man with silver hair.” You can drop the older man, I think. The fact that he has silver hair, long skinny fingers, (maybe) pale, wrinkled skin will show without telling that he is old. Be careful of repetitive words like old. Old, brown eyes; old, wicker couch, older man; old man, etc.
Love the coffee table barrier. With what you’ve told us about Nora and Genova, I have a picture in my mind of what their home looks like. I would use an old steamer trunk or weathered wood plank as the table.
Lots of mystery and Potter-esque elements. I see your inspiration in this sample but you’ve definitely made this your own. I like Genova’s voice and I am dying to know who “he” is.
I hope my comments are helpful!
Kelly
Hi Edi! Hopefully I can give you another way to look at your stuff!
ReplyDeleteFrom the top!
Genre: Try to be a little more specific if you can. Contemporary Fantasy sounds right, but it might be Paranormal or UF. Don't be afraid to use a less common genre, it doesn't change the marketability of your book, it just shows the agents/editors you know what you've written.
Title: Drop the "Book 1" It's not the title, it's positioning of the story to the agent. Leave that where it belongs, in the query.
Pitch:
Drop the comps. They're better used for Twitter and they don't help, especially not HP. Use those words to show what makes your story unique, not the same.
Give us a main character to identify with. Again, show us what makes your story unlike the others, not the same as several things I've already read. This is a hook, it's to show someone why they'd pick your story and not any of the others. Let YOUR story shine through.
I'm going to disagree with commenters. Separate sentences are better. But they should focus on how special your story is.
First 500:
You're playing with us, and it feels like it. This is your chance to get us to fall in love with your character. To care about the things they care about. To worry about their problems. We already know we don't know what she's thinking or worrying about. We don't know who she is or what's important to her. So her keeping it from us doesn't intrigue.
Shifting your scene so that it draws us closer to Genova will make us more curious about who's at the door and what they'll want, not less.
Keep using the relative terms as you get into the dialogue, especially the tagalog. Ease us into the knowledge that Nora is her grandmother because you're disorienting us with a foreign language. If she calls her grandmother Nora that's fine, but keep grandmother there for a little bit while we fix that in our heads.
That said, I LOVE the tagalog, and the implication that this is set in the Philippines! I'm going to disagree with the others about the italics. It's an othering of language that's no longer required, and I appreciate that you're reacting to their dialogue, not translating it.
I hope this is of any help at all! Best of luck!
I really liked the concept, and it's a book I'd totally read. Diversity in books is a Big plus so that's awesome. Just go through and read it out loud and you'll catch the minor stuff I mentioned. Good luck and I hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteLove the title but skip Book 1, You can let them know it has series potential in the query letter.
Don't use Harry Potter as a Comp. I've heard agents say it's way too over used.
Three girls meet for the first time to find out they have more in common. (More in common than what?) The bond they form will ultimately be the savior or the destruction of their world. (Love this sentence)
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Genova sat up from her bed. (Something more descriptive than 'sat up') Someone was at the door. She felt her heart race. (It’s her heart, of course she felt it. Go with 'Her heart raced') No one had ever come by before.
In fact, she believed that (not necessary) no one ever knew that she and her grandmother, Nora, even existed. Her surprise turned to anxiousness. (not necessary) Maybe it was…but it couldn’t be. Why not? Turning sixteen had always been a turning point for any girl, right? So why couldn’t this be who she hoped? (reword the prev sentence. I had to re-read it twice) It would definitely (skip the adverb) make a perfect birthday present.
She got up from the bed and walked to her door. (Not “the” door but her bedroom door? Clairify) She opened it a little, just enough to hear her grandmother talking to their visitor. (Check verb tenses)
“Magandang hapon, Aleng Nora,” said the visitor. It was a man who, though he spoke Tagalog, Genova could tell was a foreigner, because he had an accent. (Re-word, and I think her name isn’t needed)
“Anong kailangan mo?” Nora responded, a twinge of annoyance in her voice.
“You know why I’m here, Nora.”
Genova’s brows furrowed. Obviously,(skip this adverb) this visitor wasn’t a stranger - at least, not to her grandmother. Nevertheless, why the cold reception from the elderly woman? She had never heard Nora speak in that tone. She dared to open her door a little bit more, but did not walk out. She heard Nora (don’t need the name) let out a scoff, but told the visitor (just say him) to come in. Genova’s curiosity was growing by the second and she anxiously waited for her grandma to call her out. (Verb tenses again)
The visitor was an older man with silver hair that glinted when he passed the lamp in the living room. He had pale skin and wore an old gray sweater over his white shirt and gray slacks. She watched as his wrinkly right hand reached for his sombrero, his long skinny fingers holding onto the brim. (Description feels like an info dump)
She reverted her eyes to Nora, who stood by the now-closed door with her arms crossed on her chest and her old brown eyes glaring. He remained standing even though he could have sat down on the old wicker couch. Genova suspected that he was waiting for an offer to sit. He was looking at her grandmother, smiling, unnerved by the old woman’s wicked glares.
“So how have you been, Nora? It’s been a long time.”
“Hindi pa masyadong matagal,” Nora spat. “I had hoped that you would never come back here. Ever.”
The old man smiled as he shook his head. Then he chuckled.( Join this sentence and his dialogue)
“Like I said, you know why I’m here.”
The old woman sighed. It almost sounded…defeated. Nora gestured the man to sit as she sat in the chair across from the couch, the coffee table giving them distance.
“Alam ko nga kung bakit nandito ka, Abraham,” she said, leaning back. “But it doesn’t mean that I have to like it.”
“I know you don’t like it. I get that. But it’s necessary.”
“Are you positive that he’s back?”
He? Who was this “he”? Genova was having a hard time even believing that her grandmother spoke English, let alone knowing the reason for this man’s (cut off the last sentence since you can’t finish it.)
I will try to think of some different things to add. I don't really have much to say. I wasn't bothered by the addition of the language. I thought you gave enough of a taste of what was going on to make a reader want to know what is going to happen. Possibly, your introduction seems a bit familiar, like something that has been done before. And, that leads me to think the story may be a bit predictable (if I had to guess, I'd say she has secret powers and she had been hidden for her protection.) So if your goal in the opening is to impress upon the readers an air of mystery, you may want to reconsider your opening, not because its not good, but because of the familiarity of it. But, if my guess is wrong, and you still want that mystery lingering, you have done a fine job. Overall, it is good, maybe cut some adverbs, but they didn't bother me much.
ReplyDeleteHello :) this is Maddie from entry three.
ReplyDeletePitch:
I like the Charmed comparisons, but I feel like comparing your story to Harry Potter would be like a paranormal romance being compared to Twilight or a dystopian being compared to Hunger Games. All three of these respective pieces are juggernauts in the literature/pop culture/film world. Whenever readers pick up any of these kind of genres to read, the comparisons are made automatically. So maybe it would be better to pick another comparison? I love Harry Potter though :)
-"Three girls meet for the first time to find out they have more in common."--Maybe you can mention what they have in common or hint at it? Use the uniqueness of your story in the pitch, and possibly make the stakes and plot more clear. I'm not the best at pitches so I hope I'm helping.
-"The bond they form will ultimately be the savior or the destruction of their world."- What's going to destroy the world? What is the danger?
First 500 Words:
I like that you start with Genova.
I think this would be a better first sentence:
"Someone was at the door."--Then the reader is pulled in right away and wondering who is at the door? They want to know why, who, how, and keep reading. You could then continue with, "Genova sat up from her bed."
-I noticed you used anxiousness in the first paragraph, and then used anxiously below. Maybe you can vary your word choices a little more?
-I'm very intrigued with what's going to happen. I want to know what is Genova's grandma hiding :)
Overall:
-I felt like the opening was a bit impersonal. I think you're telling more than showing how Genova feels. I want to feel connected with Genova and really, really fear what might happen. So the first 500 words might need a bit more emotion.
-I think this is the perfect opening. It's a great choice to start your story with these circumstances :) I'm still pondering and curious about what is Genova's grandma (Nora) hiding?
Hello Edi!!
ReplyDeleteI would also cut the Book 1 from the title, and avoid using Harry Potter as a comp. It's usually not a good idea to use big and famous comp titles or books older than five years. The book one part publishers will add that themselves when they pick up a series. You have some extra room in your pitch for more words, which I would use to describe the girls or the bond they share.
I agree with the others about the use of the foreign language, but for the sake of redundancy I won't add to their comments. You will want to watch your use of filter phrases, which I myself am guilty of much too frequently.
You also evidently have a very different and unusual setting, and you should take as much advantage of this as you can in your first pages. Show us what makes Genova's world different from the average American teenage reader's.
Otherwise I have little more to say, except good luck and happy writing!! :D