Name: Jacqueline Eberli
Twitter: @communalmadnessWhen shortages and dangerous wildlife threaten her family Bianca must travel into the city, where the Chapter reigns, for supplies. What she finds there could change everything. If she's caught they will burn her alive.
The milk steamed in the chill air as it squirted into the bucket, hitting the rapidly filling bottom again and again. My vision, narrowed by my ebony hair and the black side of the cow, was focused on the ropes holding my broken shoes together. Only the heat of the cow's udder kept my hands from cramping with the cold. The smell of the livestock was comforting and conjured memories from long ago.
Pa’s words echoed in my head, “the rhythm is everything in milking.” In the still of the barn in the morning, I closed my eyes and pretended he was beside me. The cow shied away from me and my eyes snapped open.
“Fine. I’ll look, but if it’s only a mouse again I swear you won’t get another pumpkin treat,” I pushed myself from the stool and inspected the barn.
Three stalls over I figured out why she was upset.
The bull was missing.
“Oh, no,” I said to no one. I climbed into the stall and walked out into the pasture, my unease growing with every step. He was in his place the night before and I couldn't fathom why he would have gone back out into the cruel winter. Where the fence weaved through the trees I found him. What was left of him.
My stomach clenched as I looked on the mess. Almost every part of him was gone, blood stained the snow around the remains, and everywhere there were paw prints, the paw prints of wolves. The skin on the back of my neck rose and I scanned the tree line for any sign they were still in the area. There was only a destroyed section of fence from where they entered.
Sprinting back through the pasture and into the barn, vaulting over the stall, I ran for my siblings so we could do what needed to be done to protect the rest of the animals. I slammed out of the barn door and spotted Hawk and Stormy across the yard at the threshold of our little house, knocking the slush off their boots, unaware we were in a crisis.
“Hawk! Stormy! Now!” I didn't wait for them, I rushed to inventory the livestock. We only had three cows left, and no bull meant no more calves.
“What's the matter?” Hawk asked from behind me.
“Wolves, the bull was killed by wolves in the pasture,” I told him with no preamble, there was too much to do.
“Crap,” Stormy muttered behind Hawk. “I'll get the gun,” she said, and ran back out.
“The rest of the animals are okay. We need to fix the fence and close up the barn,” I rushed through my words, trying to not waste any time. I jumped into the stall again, beckoning him to follow me.
He ran with me to the site. I stood back to give his keen eyes room to make sense of the violence imprinted there.
Hi Jacqueline!
ReplyDeleteOkay, the pitch is a little more then confusing. There's no commas or anything to help the mixed up sentence. Also... You have a lot of weird grammar throughout the opening scene and weird sentence structure. I kind of got confused when it came to her friends or siblings Hawk and Stormy because she called for them like animals right after she said she needed to get the other animals.
Is this a modern world? Why is she milking a cow then?
Anyways, besides all of that, it looks like it could be a really cool idea and I liked it when she told the cow she wouldn't give it a pumpkin treat if it was just a mouse again!
Hope this helped,
~Grace (#10)
Hi Jacqueline! So glad you're here for #YayYA! Hopefully I can help show a different perspective that will help you see your story a little differently than before.
ReplyDeleteFrom the top:
Genre: Simplify! If it's a Fairy-Tale Retelling, then just say that. Genre is about categorization not description. Always choose the simplest, most precise group it falls under.
Pitch:
Take out comps, these are too divergent that they're not helping. If it's a Snow White retelling then say that, but leave the others out.
Your sentence starts okay, but ends deep in an expertise fodder that doesn't make your story sound interesting. The purpose of the pitch is to tell your story, not say what it isn't and not share the themes. As with the comps, Fairchild is going to keep readers from connecting with the story you're telling much in the same way describing alien races you make up do. The reader has no context so it's just noise, not meaning.
You're better off focusing on your character and the scenario they face working in some worldbuilding, tone, and voice. Focus on what makes your story unique and interesting. It should be a catchy hook that makes people ask about your story, not your word choice.
First 500:
There's a distance here between the character and the reader. Something exciting is happening, but I'm not entirely sure how she feels about this. The word choice is distant rather than weighted.
Specifically, using "comforting and warm" when describing the smells of the livestock seems like it should tell us what the character feels, but we don't know enough about her to know what comforting and warm means. "As cozy as one of grandma's afghans by the fire." Same sentiment, a few more words, and now we know that she has good feelings about her grandma, and we have a visual for her comfort.
You don't need to do a LOT of this, but enough that it gives us a sense of the character in addition to the scene happening around her.
I'll also echo the above commenters, when introducing characters, locations, anything, the kindest thing you can do is describe them relative to the MC. Stormy and Hawk ", my lazy little brothers," or "I only had to walk three stalls down to see..." the cow itself is not the reference, the MC is. That gets us in her perspective super fast.
Now, all my examples are extremely voice-y and they're not YOUR voice, so they're wrong. All of them, but hopefully they're at least enough to show you what I mean when I say these things. Your job, if my examples resonate is to think, “Wow, she has no idea what she’s talking about, what I SHOULD do is…” and make it more awesome than I could ever hope to consider.
Thanks for sharing this!
Best of luck!
Hi Jacqueline,
ReplyDeleteThis is Kiernan at #4. I haven’t read previous comments so as not to be influenced, so apologies if I repeat things you’ve already heard.
There are some very cool elements in your pitch but overall I found it tough to follow. I assume Bianca has autism but I’m not sure why that, specifically, is important vs. just being ungifted. It’s a horrible fate to be burned alive, so those are some compelling stakes right there, but seemed a leap from being ungifted to having something so terrible happen to you. Fantasy pitches are tough, I know, because you can’t possibly fit in everything that would help the world make sense!
I liked your opening line a lot—it’s not something you read every day, and it set the stage well for the rest of your pages. I got lots of good glimpses into her world throughout your first 500: that she’s comfortable working with animals, that her life is hard and somewhat threadbare, that she loves and misses her father. I also get the sense that she’s a proactive, take-charge sort of MC, which is the kind I always enjoy reading.
A couple awkward sentence structures: the transition from “Oh no,” to “the bull was missing” is a little abrupt—you might need a transition there, like “Oh no,” I muttered under my breath. The bull was missing. Or just start that sentence with, The bull was missing. And when you say “Where the fence weaved through the trees I found him. I found what was left of him”, it might be more powerful to simply say “Where the fence weaved through the trees I found what was left of him.” There are a few cases where you might be better off breaking one long sentence into two, such as your 2nd to last sentence.
In general, sounds like a really interesting world and concept!
This isn't a comment on my own, I'm apologizing for any typos on my comments on all of yours. I'm using a phone and it leaves a lot to be desired.
ReplyDeleteSorry guys,
Jacqueline Eberli #6
Hi Jacqueline! This is Jen Fulmer, entry #9.
ReplyDeletePitch: I’m not clear how the autism/Fairchild syndrome applies to Bianca and her seven siblings. Does Bianca have autism? Are her siblings gifted with Fairchild syndrome and she’s not? Why is she the only one providing for the family, and why would providing for them make her risk being burned alive? Is it illegal to support people with Fairchild syndrome and she’s risking execution? Or is she working at a circus as a fire-walker?
First 500:
- This is so nitpicky, but would you consider “obscured” in place of “narrowed” when talking about her vision? Narrowed to me implies action of the eye.
- I’m not clear on how the ropes are holding her shoes together. Does she mean laces? Does she mean there are literally ropes wrapped around her shoes?
- I love the detail about the smell of the livestock.
- I would put some sort of transition between her remembering her father and the cow shying away. Right now it’s a little abrupt. Just a “but then” would do a lot to smooth it out. Also, you could cut “from me”.
- When she says “Fine. I’ll look” I thought she meant she would keep her eyes open while milking. I also find the logistics of this a tiny bit confusing. If the cow shies away from her, wouldn’t that be because there’s something beside her that upset the cow? So she wouldn’t have to get up and look around? Or is the cow just shifting restlessly? Also you could cut “again” after “mouse”.
- I am in no way a livestock expert, but why would a missing bull three stalls over upset the cow? It might be neater and tighter to just have her notice the bull is missing when she finishes milking the cow.
- You used “into” twice in the sentence “I climbed into the stall…”. Could you try to reword to eliminate one of the usages?
- Again between “I found him” and “I found what was left…” I could use a transition because the similar phrasing is too repetitive otherwise. Maybe “At least, I found what was left…”
- You could cut “do what needed to be done” from the line about protecting the animals
- I love the tension of the bull being gone and how that means no more calves.
- You can cut “with no preamble” since that’s already shown in the dialogue (or lack thereof) itself. And instead of saying “there was too much to do” maybe show us how much needs to be done by having Bianca do some of it?
- I think “He ran with me to the fence line and the remains of the bull, he bent down and walked slowly around the carcass inspecting the paw prints in the bloody snow” should be cut into two sentences.
Hi Jacqueline!
ReplyDeleteI’m Allison (entry 8), and I’m happy to be able to provide my comments!
You have an interesting premise. I’m thinking that perhaps changing the word order in the pitch might make it clearer as I was slightly confused. How many of Bianca’s siblings are autistic? Is this like the seven dwarves? Maybe change to: “In a world where light eyes and Fairchild syndrome reign, ungifted Biancha risks being burned alive to provide for her seven autistic siblings.”
In your first sentence, maybe consider changing “chill” to “chilly.” It immediately made me pause to question if it is the correct word for the sentence and pulled me away from the story.
I found the dialogue to generally sound forced/unnatural. One thing that I think would help, is to use transition words afterward. I know we don’t want to use them too much, but I think it’s what’s lacking here. For example, in this sentence:
“Oh no,” the bull was missing.
If it weren’t for the quotation marks, I would have thought that the bull was named Oh No. Perhaps try: “Oh, no!” I yelped. The bull was missing!
In general, I think rearranging some of your wording will help the flow of your story, including cutting run-on sentences. And I’d like to see more emotion instead of telling.
For example, when Stormy replies with “Darn” when the bull was killed, it seems like an unnaturally emotionless response considering what you’ve just told us about how important the bulls are. Wouldn’t he be really upset?
As for re-arranging word order, here’s what I mean. Where you said, “Where the fence weaved through the trees I found him. I found what was left of him.” My suggestion would be: “I found him where the fence weaved through the trees. Or, rather, what was left of him."
Thanks for letting me pitch in! :)
Hi, thanks for the comments, but I wanted to clarify that the "darn" may as well say "expletive deleted" and ask if that makes the statement make more sense.
DeleteThanks,
Jacqueline
It absolutely does! :-)
DeleteHiya.
ReplyDeletePitch: Crucible/Miss Peregrine's/Snow White Ungifted Bianca risks being burned alive to provide for her seven siblings in a world where autism isn't common, the light eyes and gifts of Fairchild syndrome are.
I think as a whole, the pitch is really cool, but you have to think about it, possibly too much. The comps tell the big picture to me, There's a witch hunt, in a world with strange and gifted children, also Snow White. I'd probably ditch the Crucible comp, just because three seem too many.
The next sentence is kind of confusing. Is autism in any way related to the story, or are you saying gifted children are as common as a child with autism, if it's the later, then I'd suggest highly that you all it magic realism, instead of fairy tale reimagining. And then I'd comp Bone Gap, which is a Magic realism retelling of a greek myth. I've seen several agents on the hunt for magic realism.
500: I really dug your 500. This line...“Oh no,” the bull was missing." Is just wrong. It should be. " Oh no." The bull was missing. Or maybe. "Oh no, the bull was missing. " I'd suggest sticking with the first.
I'd also ditch the "she said" after. "I'll get the gun," she said.
All in all though, it's really cool.
Hope this helps,
~Sheena #11
Hi Sheena,
DeleteThanks for your notes, and yes I meant it is as common as autism. I wanted to say that I had been calling it magical realism, but since it happens in a parallel world and not this one I was told it is fantasy. But you're right in that the "magic" is much more realistic and the world very similar. It leaves me in a tough spot genre-wise and that is why I included the comps. The new pitch doesn't include the comps.
Thanks,
Jacqueline
Hi there :) This is Maddie from entry three.
ReplyDeletePitch:
"Crucible/Miss Peregrine's/Snow White Ungifted Bianca risks being burned alive to provide for her seven siblings in a world where autism isn't common, the light eyes and gifts of Fairchild syndrome are."- I like the Crucible/Miss Peregrine's/Snow White comparisons since I find all these works very intriguing and a fusion of these works make me really excited.
-The stakes, plot, and main character's motives are clear in the pitch. I feel like a few words can be tweaked to really make the pitch standout. Like maybe you can switch out "provide" for "look after" or "play parent to."
-"world where autism isn't common"- I think autism is more common than people generally think, but I'm kind of thrown off by this line since I feel like it doesn't fit in with the rest of the pitch. Maybe you can use something else that is a common syndrome/disease? Something that would relate to the pitch more? So far, I'm getting a dark vibe from the pitch.
First 500 Words:
I feel like you could be starting in the wrong place.
-"The milk steamed in the chill air as it squirted into the bucket, hitting the rapidly filling bottom again and again. My vision, narrowed by my ebony hair and the black side of the cow, was focused on the ropes holding my broken shoes together. Only the heat of the cow's udder kept my hands from cramping with the cold, and the smell of the livestock was comforting and warm.
Pa’s words from long ago echoed in my head, “the rhythm is everything in milking.” In the still of the barn in the morning, I closed my eyes and pretended he was beside me. The cow shied away from me and my eyes snapped open.
“Fine. I’ll look, but if it’s only a mouse again I swear you won’t get another pumpkin treat,” I pushed myself from the stool and inspected the barn.
Three stalls from the cow I figured out why she was upset."--I think all the lines from above should be moved below and it would be better to start with this:
-"The bull was missing."- Right here there is conflict straight away From this line and downwards I felt engrossed. I was really intrigued that the bull was dead and bloody. This just might be me being subjective since I like reading about gore and death haha.
-" My stomach clenched as I looked on the mess. Almost every part of him was gone, blood stained the snow around the remains, and everywhere there were paw prints, the paw prints of wolves. I scanned the tree line for any sign they were still in the area. There was only a destroyed section of fence, the way they had entered.-" I really thought this paragraph was beautiful, descriptive, and vivid. Blood staining the snow always gets me with the awesome imagery :)
-I think possibly the last sentence of this paragraph can be reworded for further impact:
-"Only parts of the fence remained--the rest was destroyed. It was the way they had entered."
Overall:
-I really like the premise and the imagery and you have a very awesome beginning on your hands. I want to feel more connected to Bianca and her situation and the panic of what's happening around her. I think her situation can feel more immediate and distressing since Bianca's got a lot of responsibility on her shoulders providing for seven siblings.
Hi Jaqueline!! So glad you could join us :D
ReplyDeleteRemember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!
I agree with the others that you could save space and just use Snow White retelling as a comp. The retelling market, though crowded, is very much alive and you have a fresh and diverse premise on your hands that I think people will eat up.
Avoid using capitalized words that mean nothing to people who haven't read your story in your pitch. You establish your setting in your first 500. Although some of your sentence structure is a little awkward (others have commented on that so I won't be redundant), you put me right there. I could practically smell the place :D So altogether I think with some editorial polishing, you've got a fantastic entry on your hands that will definitely go places.
I will try to add something different. As a kid that grew up on a ranch, I liked the wording about how milking a cow is all about the rhythm. The opening is nice, but I think you spend too much time in some areas and then quickly gloss over the pinnacle of tension: your MC going out to find the bull. This would be a great place to slow the pace down and build some tension. Let the reader ask, "What is she going to find?" But also I'd be curious as to how this relates to your overarching story.
ReplyDeleteSorry my comments are so late - hope they might still be helpful!
ReplyDeletePitch: You've got a bit of an odd run-on sentence here, and I'm not sure the reference to autism is helpful as orientation, particularly if Bianca doesn't have the syndrome in question (given that she's "ungifted"). Does her ungifted status have something to do with nearly getting burned at the stake?
First 500: I love the details, especially in the first couple of paragraphs - the steaming milk, her broken shoes, the rhythm of milking all drew me right in. I wondered if she would describe her own hair as "ebony" vs. just "black" - question of voice. You could offer a few more hints about their clothing to give us a period anchor. The gun is a start, but we could be anywhere within a couple hundred years of the present. If this is more historical, you could note it being awkward to climb over fences in a long skirt (or make some passing reference to her trousers being more practical, even though Pa would have objected, or something like that); a reference to jeans would give us a cue that it's more modern.
There are some places where I'd suggest breaking paragraphs differently in order to help build tension. Add one before "The cow shied away" maybe, or after "The bull was gone." You could have "What was left of him." stand on its own as a single paragraph. You could get a little more gruesome in your description of that scene, actually. What IS left, besides the blood? How has the fence been destroyed? Materials used to build the fence might also help for orientation in time and place, actually. Is the implication that the wolves managed to do it? (Is this something wolves can do?)
I'd rephrase "they way they had entered," which is a little awkward. "where they must have gotten in"? Again, depends a bit on whether it's the wolves that destroyed the fence or whether it was just weak/falling down in that spot. I'd also strike "so we could do what needed to be done to protect the rest of the animals," which I think is explained well enough in the following paragraphs.
I don't have much different to say then what I had before. Individual paragraphs are nice. I still think you need to slow down a smidge and build more suspense to the dead bull discovery. Even if it doesn't happen within the first 500. The event seems like a big deal deal, but feels rushed and glossed over. Maybe, get inside her head more. This can also help build her character. What is she thinking as she's walking out to find him?
ReplyDeleteRevision Critique:
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love any story that opens with cows. You could tighten your opening line by starting with the word "milk" in the first sentence, instead of including "the" before it.
The line "'Oh no,' I said no one." reads a bit awkwardly. Is there a better way of conveying your MC's consternation at finding the bull missing? Like a description of how she feels upon seeing it's gone?
Besides that there's nothing too troubling. You've really tightened up the writing, and it looks great.
Hi Jacqueline, Wow! I didn't read your first excerpt, but this definitely has my attention. I love the natural setting of this world, and knowing the pitch, I'm very curious to see how this beginning turns into a Snow White re-imagining. I agree with Laura above about the the "I said to no one" line and about starting the first sentence off with milk. My only other callout is that a semi-colon or period should come between the lines "I didn't wait for them; I rushed to inventory the livestock." Or reword as "...them, as I rushed..." Otherwise, great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Jacqueline!
ReplyDeleteI thought I'd responded, but I guess not!
Your new pitch is better, but still weak. The second sentence in particular is not getting you anything. Rather than tell me she'll burn let me know what kind of problem the story is about? Is she going to get eaten by a wolf? Is she going to work the mines? Is she going to find a drug den and crawl inside? Any of these things could be possible from what you've told me. Since you seem to be starting backwards with the dwarfs so I honestly don't know where the story is taking me. That's what the pitch should be!
Hope that's helped at all!
Best of luck!
Hi Jacqueline, I think your new version reads really well! I agree with Lana that the pitch still need work ... I am still struggling with mine, too. I think yours is headed in the right direction though, especially the first sentence. I think your worldbuilding and tone continue to be spot on, and shine through more with the tighter phrasing that supports them.
ReplyDeleteHi Jacqueline!
ReplyDeleteThe revision is much better then a original! However the pitch seems like two bits of info that need to be one.
Also Hawk and Stormy.... Now we can tel their humans, unlike the original but which is the guy and which is the girl? Are they siblings?
If you just tighten that up a bit this should read even better!
-Grace (10)