Genre: Romantic Mystery
Title: THE LONDON INCIDENT
35-Word Pitch: While vacationing in London, a feisty sixteen-year-old girl and her geeky love interest are stalked, witness a murder, and are held hostage by the killer who’s seeking a government file containing names of secret agents.
REVISION:
Name: D. M. Daugherty
Twitter: @dmddeb
Genre: Romantic Mystery
Title: THE LONDON INCIDENT
35-Word Pitch: While in London, Dru and her geeky boyfriend are stalked, witness a murder and held hostage because of a stolen government disk. At stake, the lives of the teens and everyone listed on the disk.
First 500+ words: Dru’s backpack slid off her shoulders. She let out a sigh of exasperation as she paused to adjust the straps.
Andi, too busy texting, didn’t notice and kept walking.
“Andi, wait!” Dru shouted
Andi smiled when she saw Dru running towards her. “What happened to you?”
“Backpack,” was the only reply Dru needed. Andi understood. She didn’t have that problem. She carried her books.
The girls continued their eight block trek to school, their steps now evenly matched in rhythm.
The sunlight peeking through the clouds made Dru’s long wavy hair glisten like flames in a fire. With a light touch, she brushed the loose strands from her face. “Did you watch Sunday’s game? The Red Sox won with a base-loaded walk in the ninth.”
“Dru Stone, for a sixteen-year-old girl, you are way too obsessed with baseball.”
Dru shrugged. “I’ve been a Red Sox fan since I moved here six years ago. That’s not going to change.”
Andi’s eyes darted to the screen on her phone. “Austin just invited me to the school dance this Saturday. Do you want him to find you a date?”
Dru’s muscles tensed. Hands on hips, she turned and faced Andi. “I’m not a charity case. If I want to go to the dance, I’ll ask someone. I don’t need Austin to find me a date.”
“Chillax, Dru. I just thought it’d be nice if we doubled.”
Dru bit her lower lip, regretting her rant. “I’m sorry, Andi. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
Andi laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to your outbursts.”
“My outbursts,” sputtered Dru, and then she laughed, too. “You’re right. I do have a temper.”
Dru heard the loud rumbling sound of a sports car coming from the underground parking garage. She peered down the slope leading into the garage. A black BMW was racing towards them. Her eyes flickered with fear and her hands trembled when she realized the driver wasn’t going to stop.
Instinct took over. Dru grabbed Andi’s sleeve, pulling her backwards. Andi dropped everything, and her papers flew in the air as she landed on the ground.
Dru leaped back and held her breath. At the last second the car swerved a bit to the right and just missed her. Dru felt the cold rush of air as the metal bumper of the car passed near her thigh. The driver’s face was a blur, but Dru heard him laugh as he sped past.
She shook her fist and screamed, “You crazy, stupid maniac! You could have killed us!”
The man ignored her and turned left onto the street. He wove in and out of the mid-morning traffic, scraping several cars in the process. The beautiful shiny sports car was now marred with long streaks of missing paint along the side doors and massive dents in the fenders.
Horns blared, brakes squealed, and people shouted and cursed at the driver.
The sound of Dru’s heartbeat pounded in her ears and her pulse raced as she realized how close she and Andi came to being killed. It’s over. Calm down. “Breathe in, breathe out,” she kept whispering to herself.
Her eyes fell to where Andi sat sprawled on the grass, and she let out a weak laugh. "Whew! That idiot almost ran us down. Are you all right?”
Hi D.M., I gave your entry a quick first read. I feel I'm getting a sense of your MC, and I'll have more feedback for you over the weekend and into next week.
ReplyDeletePitch: This is a good summary, and I like the descriptions of the characters (although "love interest" seems a little clinical - try "crush" or something similarly voice-y?) but as a pitch, it lacks punch. I'd suggest recasting this so as to play up a teenaged voice and introduce some tension. You can mix up the format, but the info you need is basically "_____ must _____ or _____."
ReplyDeleteFirst 500: Your dialogue is great - very authentic and does a good job of introducing the characters. The text around it is doing a lot of telling vs. showing, though. For example, instead of saying that Dru is focused on baseball, you could demonstrate it by having her giving Andi a play-by-play of some amazing moment from the game in question. You don't need to tell us that Andi speaks "about another matter" - we'll notice that from the dialogue (if you want to emphasize it, you could have Dru say something snarky about it.) Instead of saying that Dru regrets her outburst, you could show what she's thinking (reminding herself that they've only been dating X months so of course she's obsessed with him, or whatever)
With the car speeding towards them, maybe see if you can get inside her head a little more - if you can reduce the distance between Dru and the reader you'll make this experience more immediate. To say "fear flickered in her eyes," for example, implies looking at her from outside. If you can build some tension leading to the realization that the car isn't going to stop, you won't need the exclamation point.
What she's yelling after the guy might take too long, given how fast he's going. Also for most 16-year-olds I think it would involve a lot more cussing (although not in this forum, I know ;)) Maybe instead of yelling after him right in the moment, she could exclaim over this to Andi once she's calmed down? "That crazy idiot! He could have killed us!"
I think you can strike the reference to her taking a deep breath - it's implied by her whispering to herself. Not sure forgetting all about Andi totally makes sense here, since she just pulled Andi out of the way; maybe have Andi get up and ask if she's OK?
Thanks, Amelinda. I hate writing pitches. I know this is something I need to work on. I also know I do too much telling and I'm trying to break myself of that habit. You've made some excellent points and I am going to see what I can do in my next draft. Thank you!
DeleteHi D.M.,
ReplyDeleteI just finished reading your sample. First, I love the idea of an adventure in Europe. I'm wondering if you could add some tension to the pitch? What will happen to your characters if the bad guys don't get what they want? It would help your reader to know that in your pitch.
Love the idea of London but I don't see any reference to London in your sample. Are they in London now? About to travel? From their talk of the Red Sox, I feel like they are still in the US.
The dialogue sounds like a lot of kids I know. Can you match that strong dialogue to equally strong exposition? Be careful of being passive and making us think we have stepped outside of Dru to see how she's reacting to her near miss. I think I would like to see her and Andi land in a pile on the ground between two parked cars and watch the BMW from underneath the cars. That way, we won't lose Andi in the shuffle. Totally my suggestion and what I see in my mind when I'm reading!
Dru has a great voice. I'd love to see more of what she thinks about Andi's tirade comment. Does she feel her face flame? Quickly recall times she lost her temper?
Just suggestions! Let me know if I didn't make sense.
Thanks, Kelly. Pitches are not my strong point, so I will work on that. You're right. Dru is in Boston. The next chapter has her at the airport on her way to London. The driver of the car plays a part in Dru's troubles in London. You made some excellent suggestions. Thank you!
DeleteHey there, D.M.! (Jamie #19)
ReplyDeleteI love a good mystery. But I love a good romance even more, so I would be interested in this simply from it's genre.
General Notes: I can tell that you have a clean voice, and your grammar seems to be spot on. I didn't catch any errors so I think you must review your work pretty thoroughly. Good job! With that being said, I agree with the above comments; the excerpt reads more as telling than showing. I've said this in a few other posts, but I feel it might be the case here too. I wonder if you're starting your MS in the right place? If the inciting incident is the pair witnessing a murder in London, then I'd start as close to that as possible. A commentator above mentioned that this feels like they're still in America and if that's the case, then I'm guessing it's a long time before they get to Europe. (Assuming they're walking to school, spend the day at school, fly to London, etc.) I know that wanting to start with something very exciting (like almost getting hit by a car) can be tempting. But if it's there solely to grab attention and doesn't relate to the plot, then it's probably not the right place to start. Just a suggestion, but I bet they'll be doing a fair bit of sight seeing in London. You could start with them leaving a museum/cafe/whatever late at night and accidentally wandering into wherever it is they witness the murder. (Start wherever you feel is best, but, and especially since I don't have word count to reference for a guess, I can only tell you as unbiased reader that I feel your true starting point might be much later than this first scene.)
(If you keep this as your starting point, then here are my other notes.) Line Edits (Forgive my OCD tendencies, lol.):
I'd cut "Sixteen-year-old" from the first line, because it reads very formal. I think you could work in her age later in the MS in a more natural way. (Even if Andi said something like, "For a sixteen-year-old girl you are way too obsessed with baseball." Or something.)
I think you could also cut 'who preferred being called by her nickname, Andi,' and just say "Andrea didn't answer" because it's telling, not showing. Dru shows us this when she calls her Andi later.
'and yanked, knocking her backwards'- I would either say "and yanked, pulling her backwards" or say that she pushed Andi, knocking her backwards. As it is, yanked and knocking give opposite visuals (at least to me. Trust your voice.)
'phone and her textbooks and her papers flew in the air.' To avoid repetitive 'ands', I might say, 'phone; her textbooks and papers flew into the air.'
Two more things: Your excerpt doesn't hint that you need this but I'd feel remiss not to mention it anyway. Be wary of overusing adverbs! And be sure that your text is in the same front throughout your MS. (The last line is different here on the blog, so it might have just translated incorrectly.)
Thanks for letting me take a look at this and I hope some of my comments are helpful to you. Good luck!
Thanks for the comments. I agree about the telling and will work on that. You've given some great advice and suggestions on how to better my story. The driver of the car plays an important part in Dru's troubles in London, and I wanted him brought in at the beginning, though not much is known about him at this point. I use Times New Roman, 12 pt. font. I think when I pasted my pages in the email, I messed up on the last paragraph. I definitely will be incorporating your suggestions into my story. Thank you!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHiya D.M. :)
ReplyDeletePitch: Yay a book taking place in London, already a good start :) and I love the setup all the way until you get to -- the killer who’s seeking a government file containing names of secret agents
that part makes me scratch my head wondering why any of that has to do with Dru. If you maybe give us a way to see what Dru plans on doing to get out of the situation that might keep the tension more.
500:
Your voice is great, very believable and on point for teenagers. I won't repeat about the telling vs showing as you've mentioned you're working on it ;)
My one concern is the overuse of exclamation points throughout. I think most could be replaced with just a period, otherwise it just feels like screaming the whole way through.
To bring us more into the moment let us know Dru's emotions, how her body reacts and what she's thinking when about to be hit by the car. Having been hit by one as a pedestrian myself, I can promise you there was a lot more than just fear flickering in my eyes as it was happening. ;)
I think if you fall into the rhythm of showing us more then you'll have a fabulous story and I am excited to see how you revise it. I love London, my husband and his family are British and would read on just to delve into a new world that takes place there. Can't wait to read your changes :)
Cass
Thanks, Cass. Good point about my pitch. The killer planted the disk on Dru at the airport before she boarded the plane to London and he wants it back. I'll try to work that detail in. I hadn't realized I'd used so many explanation points and am glad you pointed that out to me. You've given me great suggestions to work with. Thank you.
Delete
ReplyDeleteSorry but it's making me break my comment into 2 sections bc it's too long. So here's the initial thought then the critique is the next one.
You may want to consider starting farther into the story. I feel like I’m not getting a good sense of her voice or really feeling drawn into and caring what’s happening right now. Just a thought. Love the title and the pitch is good just need to be tightened up a bit. I think it’s a good concept and once into the story you’ve got a lot of interesting things going on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteTitle: THE LONDON INCIDENT
35-Word Pitch: While vacationing in London, a feisty sixteen-year-old girl and her geeky love interest are stalked, witness a murder, and are (skip ‘are’) held hostage by the (change ‘the’ to ‘a’) killer who’s (drop ‘who’s) seeking a government file containing names of secret agents.
First 500 Words:
Sixteen-year-old Drusilla Stone’s thoughts were on baseball as she and her best friend, Andrea, trudged the eight blocks to school. “Did you watch the game last night? The Red Sox won.”
Andrea, who preferred being called by her nickname, Andi, didn’t answer.(Maybe just call her Andi from the start) Her nimble fingers danced up and down on her phone’s keypad as she texted with her boyfriend, Austin. ( I just got a lot of names all at once. Maybe skip the BF’s name?) When she did speak, it was about another matter. (You can tell she’s talking about something completely different. Drop the prev sentence) “Austin just invited me to the school dance on Saturday. Do you want him to see if one of his friends will take you?”
Dru’s body tensed. She shook her head, causing her hair to fall over her eyes. With a light touch she brushed the loose strands from her face. (Feeling conflicted is she tense, but is using a light touch on her hair? Just seems off or an unnecessary description) The sunlight peeking through the clouds made her long wavy hair glisten like flames in a fire.
“I’m not a charity case! (I wouldn’t use an ! She’s probably not really yelling, more pissed. Comes across too harsh for the scene. The dialogue conveys enough) If I want to go to the dance, I’ll ask someone. I don’t need Austin to find me a date.”
“Chillax, Dru! I just thought it’d be nice if we doubled.”
Dru regretted her outburst. She stopped and turned to face her friend “I’m sorry, Andi. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
Andi laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to your tirades.”
“My tirades!” Dru sputtered, and then she laughed, too. “You’re right. My temper does tend to take over at times.”( A little overkill)
Standing by the exit of an underground parking garage, Dru heard the loud rumbling sound of the sports car before she saw it. She peered down the slope leading into the garage. A black BMW was racing towards them! (Skip the !) Her eyes flickered with fear when(drop the first part of this sentence) she realized the driver wasn’t going to stop.
Instinct took over. Dru grabbed Andi’s sleeve and yanked, knocking her backwards. Andi dropped her phone and her textbooks (maybe “dropped everything” instead. The description took me out of the action happening) and her papers flew in the air.
Dru leaped back and held her breath. At the last second the car swerved a bit to the right and just missed her. Dru swore she felt the cold rush of air as the metal bumper of the car passed near her thigh. As the driver sped past, Dru heard him laugh. (Switch around the last sentence.)
She shook her fist and screamed,(dialogue’s enough. Drop beginning) “You crazy, stupid idiot! You could have killed us!”
The man ignored her and turned left onto the street. He wove in and out of the mid-morning traffic, scraping several cars in the process. The beautiful shiny sports car was now marred with long streaks of missing paint along the side doors and massive dents in the fenders. Horns blared, brakes squealed, and people shouted and cursed after him. (Condense the paragraph)
The sound of Dru’s heartbeat pounded in her ears(I’d go blood in ears or heart in chest but not heart in ears but that’s me being weird probably) and her pulse raced as she realized (drop ‘she realized’) how close she and Andi came to being killed. It’s over. Calm down. Dru took a deep breath. “Breathe in, breathe out,” she kept whispering to herself.
Her eyes fell to where Andi sat sprawled on the ground, and she let out a weak laugh. "Andi, I forgot all about you!" (too many ! Last sentence seemed forced)
Thanks, Cayce. You've given me a lot to consider, all solid and good advice. I appreciate all the time you took to do this.
DeleteI love the concept, and as a teen this is the kind of thing I would have read. The characters are believable. My main issues with the beginning is that of pace. Each sentence seems to have the goal of throwing information at me as opposed to setting up the story. And the starting place confuses me a bit, but I also think 500 words is too short of sample to know why an author should or shouldn't start where they have.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rollan. I agree with you about the pace and throwing information. Pitches and first pages are always the toughest for me to write. That's why I appreciate all the help and suggestions everyone is giving me.
DeleteHi Debra!!
ReplyDeleteRemember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!
So this sounds like a great premise. The market is hungry for more whipsmart girl friendships in YA and I think this is what you've got here. Your pitch could use some stronger emphasis on stakes, and also needs action on your MCs part. Because as the pitch stands, she's passive. And I know how you feel about pitches: I hate writing them too! I feel you! Refer to Dru by her first name as opposed to "girl." Otherwise that's all I have to say about your pitch :D
For your first 500, don't tell us info that can be shown. Saying straight off that Dru is sixteen, and that she likes baseball isn't necessary. You could just open with the dialogue. "Did you watch the game last night?" etc. The fact she's talking about it shows us that she likes baseball which is awesome because as sixteen yo I often felt like a loner baseball fan among my fellow 16yo girls.
Don't use explanation points in narrative. I think everyone else covered the rest of the editorial quirks, so I won't bog you down with redundancy :D
I think this scene is overall a good place to start. Kind of funny, both our entries feature MCs nearly getting squashed by expensive cars :D Happy Writing!
Thanks, Rachel. This is a great contest and just what I needed. I wasn't happy with my pitch and first few pages, so when I read you were doing this, I jumped in. I am receiving so much great advice and suggestions, including yours. Thank you.
DeleteHi Debra!
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you've already received some great feedback on this piece, so I'll keep this brief. First off, I agree with the suggestion to call Andrea "Andi" right off the bat. You can always add in later that her full name is Andrea. Explaining near the beginning of your story seems cumbersome.
I'm not sure "tirades" is a word 16 year old girls would use, particularly in casual conversation. It comes off as a little old. Maybe another word would serve you better?
The sentence "Dru swore she felt the cold rush of air..." could just read "Dru felt the cold rush of air..." It's a bit confusing as worded.
I also agree with the feedback on the line "Andi, I forgot all about you!" It seems odd that Dru would forget about Andi when she managed to get her out of the car's way. Maybe she could say they'd had a close call, or ask if Andi's alright?
I'm liking the dynamic between Dru and Andi, and the premise of the story sounds exciting. Also, I really want to meet this geeky love interest ;) I do like the geeky ones! Great job, Debra, and thanks for letting us look at your work.
Thanks, Laura. Great suggestions. You're right, tirades does sound old. I'll look into that. I appreciate your help.
DeleteHi Debra,
ReplyDeleteIntro to critique:
First, allow me to say thank you for being so brave as to put your work out there for praise and criticism. It’s never easy to send writing efforts into the world, and it’s even harder to do it when you know people are going to be reviewing it with a fine-toothed comb.
Also, please remember that this is your work, and mine is only one opinion. So, take what you like and leave what you don’t.
When I see some technical edits that need to be made, I’ll put them directly in the text in [brackets] so that you know it’s mine and you know exactly where the edit should be made. I think it’ll allow me to focus more on the story, plot, characters, etc., rather than on the copyediting.
Pitch:
I’m going to focus on your 35-word pitch first.
“While vacationing in London, a feisty sixteen-year-old girl and her geeky love interest are stalked, witness a murder, and are held hostage by the killer who’s seeking a government file containing names of secret agents.”: This pitch sets up the story, but I’m not sure what I should be expecting toward the end, meaning, they are held by this killer, but are they just looking to escape or to bring the killer to justice?
(Continued from above)
ReplyDeleteEntry:
“Sixteen-year-old Drusilla Stone’s thoughts were on baseball as she and her best friend, Andrea, trudged the eight blocks to school. “Did you watch the game last night? The Red Sox won.””: I agree with some of the others above, this lacks punch. So, we know Dru is interested in baseball, but is this really important to know? Does this play a role later? If so, than I can understand developing it early on, but unless it is a major factor, it probably shouldn’t be the first aspect of Dru that we get as readers.
“Andrea, who preferred being called by her nickname, Andi, didn’t answer. Her nimble fingers danced up and down on her phone’s keypad as she texted with her boyfriend, Austin. When she did speak, it was about another matter. “Austin just invited me to the school dance on Saturday. Do you want him to see if one of his friends will take you?””: I agree about just calling Andrea Andi from the get-go. Also, I don’t think we need Austin here. You tell us his name in the dialogue, and I wouldn’t mention that shift in conversation either. Just show us.
“Dru’s body tensed. She shook her head, causing her hair to fall over her eyes. With a light touch she brushed the loose strands from her face. The sunlight peeking through the clouds made her long wavy hair glisten like flames in a fire.”: This puts a lot of distance between the MC and the reader. Consider revising to get this closer to your MC: “Dru tensed. She hated it when Andi turned her into a charity case. Shaking her head, a lock of hair fell into her eyes. She brushed it away, glimpsing a glimmer of sunlight glistening in the strands like fire.” Yeah, that’s very alliterative, but we’re seeing it from Dru’s perspective—not from some third-party ghost stalking her. ;-)
***
“I’m not a charity case! If I want to go to the dance, I’ll ask someone. I don’t need Austin to find me a date.”
“Chillax, Dru! I just thought it’d be nice if we doubled.”
Dru regretted her outburst. She stopped and turned to face her friend[.] “I’m sorry, Andi. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
Andi laughed. “Don’t worry about it. I’m used to your tirades.”
“My tirades!” Dru sputtered, and then she laughed, too. “You’re right. My temper does tend to take over at times.”
***
For the dialogue above, I agree with the others above that “tirade” sounds too old for this age group. Also, I’m not sure Dru would actually stop to apologize here. I kind of still see them walking and maybe she nudges Andi with her elbow. When she stops, it seems overkill for a minor infraction.
“Standing by the exit of an underground parking garage, Dru heard the loud rumbling sound of the sports car before she saw it. She peered down the slope leading into the garage. A black BMW was racing towards them! Her eyes flickered with fear when she realized the driver wasn’t going to stop.”: I think her “peering down the slope” long enough for her to realize the driver isn’t going to stop is too long. I think she should hear the car, catch a glimpse, and knock Andi backwards—very quick. Bam. Bam. Bam. One action after the other. When you slow the action down by describing unnecessary actions, it tempers the power of the event.
“Instinct took over. Dru grabbed Andi’s sleeve and yanked, knocking her backwards. Andi dropped her phone and her textbooks and her papers flew in the air.”: Consider trimming the last part of this to something like the following: “Andi dropped her phone and textbooks, as paper flew in the air.” The paragraph above this one should read on par with this paragraph, meaning quick and to the point as you are describing an action that should almost make the reader feel like it happened in the blink of an eye.
(Continued from above)
ReplyDelete“Dru leaped back and held her breath. At the last second the car swerved a bit to the right and just missed her. Dru swore she felt the cold rush of air as the metal bumper of the car passed near her thigh. As the driver sped past, Dru heard him laugh.”: If she leapt back, I’m assuming it was to get out of the way, so if she is holding her breath and waiting for the car to swerve out of the way, it seems like she suddenly froze—even though I know that’s not what happened. I’d jump straight to the metal bumper bit as this is good and descriptive and close to the MC. One other last critique for this paragraph…it seems a tad far-fetched that she could hear the driver laugh—unless she can see him because the window is down, and if she can see him, I want to see him, too.
“She shook her fist and screamed, “You crazy, stupid idiot! You could have killed us!””: I agree with what someone said sooner—let her say to Andi, “That stupid idiot almost kille us!” or something like that.
“The man ignored her and turned left onto the street. He wove in and out of the mid-morning traffic, scraping several cars in the process. The beautiful shiny sports car was now marred with long streaks of missing paint along the side doors and massive dents in the fenders. Horns blared, brakes squealed, and people shouted and cursed after him.”: You know, the first line of this paragraph gives me more perspective on this scene, meaning, I think what happens here is not that the man almost clips her as he goes by, but that he nearly clips her as he pulls out of the garage and slams on breaks before pulling into traffic. In this case, we may get a really good look at him, and she may be able to yell that line above at him. However, you need to make it clear that he stops—because up to this sentence, I thought he had rolled on by. Also, I’m not sure she could see the streaks of missing paint and dents along the fender if the car has already moved down the streets.
“The sound of Dru’s heartbeat pounded in her ears and her pulse raced as she realized how close she and Andi came to being killed. It’s over. Calm down. Dru took a deep breath. “Breathe in, breathe out,” she kept whispering to herself.” Whenever there is internal dialogue, it’s best to use italics, as the rest of your POV isn’t this close. It’s over. Calm down.
“Her eyes fell to where Andi sat sprawled on the ground, and she let out a weak laugh. "Andi, I forgot all about you!"”: Not to be picky, but in the paragraph above, you specifically point out Dru AND Andi as almost being killed. That means Dru is thinking of her, and so when she says she almost forgot about her, it didn’t seem authentic.
Closure:
Hi Debra, I think you have a good story that has room to be stronger but is good enough to be worth the effort. There’s great repartee between the two girls, and the drama of the crazy driver does make me wonder about him, so I’m interested. A lot of what has been said earlier is right on the mark in my opinion, so read through these comments carefully, pick what you like, and use it. I look forward to seeing the re-write!
Hey Debra,
DeleteIgnore that internal dialogue note above. I just realized I must have lost the italics when I moved this into Word to critique it.
Thanks!
Hi, Katie: You've given me some wonderful advice and suggestions. I am definitely going to incorporate many into my story. This critique contest has been exactly what I wanted, a chance to receive input that will help strengthen my novel and make it better. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteRevision Notes:
ReplyDeleteHey Debra! (Jamie #19)
This is already looking so much better! Great job switching things up to show instead of tell. The only thing I think still reads as stiff is the "crazy, stupid, maniac" line. I think if I were almost hit by a car, I would say, "Slow down! Maniac..." Like she yells at him the one thing he should hear before he speeds away, and says 'maniac' more to herself. But trust your voice. As you continue to go through your MS and use the comments/suggestions you've been given, I think this will really start to sparkle. Good luck!!!!!
Thanks for the input. You've been a great help through this whole process. As I said on twitter, I'm still struggling with this first 500 and keep making changes. Hopefully soon I'll get it right.
DeleteYou're so welcome. And no worries! All of us are constantly trying to improve our craft. That's just how writing is. Even once we're published, we'll look at our books and see things we want to make better, lol! You will get there. And once you're there, continue to improve and hone your craft. Whenever I'm feeling down about my writing, I just remember Walt Disney. The man was told over and over again that he'd never make it. That he had no creativity and that his ideas were impossible. HA! He never stopped facing opposition, even after Snow White, even after he had built Disneyland... Look at his legacy now. Just remember, "If you can dream it, you can do it!" As always, good luck, my friend;)
DeleteHello Debra!
ReplyDeleteI didn't critique your entry the first go around, but it looks like you got a lot of wonderful advise that you put to work! Your revision looks great and I like the voice! Keep up the great work and good luck!
Thanks for the words of encouragement.
DeleteThe revision are good. I have a better understanding of what is going on, and it feels like less information is being thrown at me. I still feel the pacing is a bit fast. It's liking they're talking, and out of know where the car comes. I would prefer more build up. I think the first 500 (Unless maybe you started with it... IDK) is too early to have the car come into the scene, and I don't think enough time is devoted to the event, if, it is as you have said earlier, an important event. To me it feels like, 'Oh a car nearly hit us. Oh blah dee, life goes on." It kind of seems to be an end of the first chapter event.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rollan, for your advice and suggestions. I'm still struggling with this first 500 and will keep working on it.
DeleteHi Debra,
ReplyDeleteYou have made some great updates to the story and the only real callout I have is that I still feel the pacing is off as the car goes by, but this may be my own perspective. I'm looking forward to reading this in print!
Thanks, Katie, for your advice. You have been so helpful. I'm still struggling with this first 500 and will keep working at it.
DeleteDebra, this looks great. I can see you put a lot of thought into incorporating the feedback you received. The conversation between Dru and Andi is a lot smoother now. One thing I'd recommend is taking the sentence "A black BMW was racing towards them" and rewording it so it's no longer in passive voice. This is something I notice a LOT in my writing and always have to look out for. To make this an active sentence, all you'll have to do is change it to read "A black BMW raced towards them."
ReplyDeleteBesides that, your revision looks awesome. Good luck with future edits!
Thanks, Laura. I do have the passive tense problem. Good advice. Good luck to you, too!
ReplyDeleteHi Debra,
ReplyDeleteThis revision is much stronger, the only note I have other than what has been said is that carrying your books and texting on a cell phone at the same time would be awkward and worth mentioning. Is she holding the books shoved to her chest with her arms to leave her hands free, or is she juggling it all? Just a thought.
Good job!
Jacqueline #6
Thanks, Jacqueline. The texting/books/phone comment is a good one. I'll look into that. Good luck with your writing!
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