Revision:
Lani's family seems perfect on the outside, but her bipolar Dad makes life anything but. In search of "Normal," the family goes on a road trip-turned-relocation that turns their lives upside down forever.
Buffered under my fortress of blankets, I’m safe; no one can harm my soul here. Here, I can pretend I’m a normal girl. That my life won’t follow his path.
My heart races, while my throat tightens. The sound of the Dragon in full rage-mode makes me wish I had magical powers one reads about in fantasy novels. Unfortunately, I’m nowhere near that lucky. No, I’m just a sixteen-year-old girl with a dragon for a father, that’s all. Dad didn’t earn that nickname tucking us in and reading bedtime stories every night. That’s for sure.
“Shut up, Mel, I swear if you don’t—” “Patrick, please. Not tonight.” My parents’ words collide outside my door, and I scoot further under the covers. It’s highly unlikely they’ll make an appearance in my room, but you never know. When the Dragon’s loose, anything’s possible. Dad’s not your stereotypical dragon, he’s just a man.
“Patrick, calm down.” Mom’s voice is only a whisper. Still, it echoes in my room.
Oh, Mom-- you’ve done it. Wish my blankets were made of steel.
“You can take your calm and shove it, Mel.” The smoke-and-fire Dad breathes when he’s behind closed doors is enough to make anyone hide under their bed.
The first time Mom tried to explain to me what bipolar was, it made no sense. By the 500th time, I wanted to yell. Just because a doctor says it’s a disease doesn’t make it any better.
Sometimes, it’s worse.
A moment...HA! If only. Life would be so much easier.
My breathing’s loud enough the neighbors down the street can probably hear. The soft cloth of my blankets surrounding my body like a cocoon gives me comfort. Funny how panic heightens every sense. Intense moments, my life’s full of them.
It’s never ok. It’s a never-ending rollercoaster, and there’s no exit to this ride.
Even at his worst, Dad’s never physically hurt me or my siblings. It doesn’t make a difference, I’m still scared crapless, every. single. time.
“You stupid cow, how could you forget? I told you I needed this done by TODAY!” Dad’s voice is at nuclear level now. Bet Mom forgot to do his laundry. Yup, it’s always something so simple. So easily fixable. To most people. A crash follows as something falls to the ground.
It’s begun. Halleluja. Soon. I’ll be able to sleep soon. If he’s becoming physical the end is near.
And usually, pain’s the only thing that eventually brings him back to reality once he’s fallen down the rabbit hole.
What will it be tonight? Will he knock himself unconscious headbutting a wall? Maybe he’ll shatter a few more hand bones punching a door; like he did last summer. As long as it happens sooner than later. We all breathe easier once he’s damaged himself.
The pain takes the terror away. For all of us. It’s like physical pain pulls him from a fog. A self absorbed-let’s-scare-everyone-even myself kind of fog. I peek out of my fortress and see the shadowy shape of my gym bag with my just-in-case clothes.
Hi Cass! I'm giving the above-and-below entries a quick read tonight. I'll be giving more in-depth feedback over the weekend and into next week. So far, I'm getting a good sense of the MC's voice.
ReplyDeleteHi Cass!
ReplyDeleteSo the title is hilarious but if the "monster" is her dad, then change it to dragon. Also this isn't really a contemporary if there's dragons. I'd change the genre and if it's this light hearted the whole time maybe even to MG. I couldn't tell if the dad broke is toe then and here or if she was looking back. Maybe you should open it when they find out it's a disease and maybe instead of explaining it is a disease, you should show how it works and how Lani feels about it all. It's a little confusing to read in some spots and there's some info dumping that should be taken out but otherwise this is pretty good.
Hope this helped!
~Grace (#10)
Hi Grace. :) he's not really a dragon, that's what she compares him to because hes so mean and loud when he's in a manic state. Its something he's had all of his life. Gosh i hope it isn't lighthearted. She's hiding under her bed covers cowering in fear cause her dad is freaking on her mom.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your input :)
First Impression:
ReplyDeleteUuuugh, I'm really empathizing with your MC right now.
Critique:
"Buffered under the fortress of my blankets I'm safe, no one can harm my soul here." This is a great opening concept. A full stop between "I'm safe" and "no one can harm my soul here" would be best from a grammatical standpoint.
"No, I’m your typical sixteen-year-old girl, with a dragon for a father, that’s all" The comma between "girl" and "with" could come out. The reader won't naturally pause at that point.
"Shut Up Mel" "up" doesn't need capitalization.
"A moment—HA—If only, life would be so easy." This sentence is confusing and a little out of place. Rewording or cutting it would help with clarity.
Besides this, there's not a lot to fix up. The only possible thing would be combining some of your paragraphs--they're very brief which makes this excerpt feel a bit choppy.
Concluding Thoughts: This scene was agonizing to read. You did a great job of capturing the stress and emotional turmoil your MC is going through. I definitely didn't feel that the piece was lighthearted at all. It's probably the darkest of the excerpts I've read here so far! Definitely rooting for your MC, and I'd keep reading at this point for sure.
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteIntro to critique:
First, allow me to say thank you for being so brave as to put your work out there for praise and criticism. It’s never easy to send writing efforts into the world, and it’s even harder to do it when you know people are going to be reviewing it with a fine-toothed comb.
Also, please remember that this is your work, and mine is only one opinion. So, take what you like and leave what you don’t.
Pitch:
I’m going to focus on your 35-word pitch first.
“Lani's family seems perfect on the outside, but her bipolar Dad keeps everyone on their toes. In search of "Normal," they go on a roadtrip that changes their lives; and not necessarily for the better.”: This is well-written, it clearly states what the premise is, and I feel I understand what this story will be about. My only catch is that I’m a sucker for some kind of silver lining at the end of any YA Contemporary story, so the ending line here, “…not necessarily for the better,” puts me off just a little. This isn’t the case for everyone, as I have friends who really enjoy reading tragic stories. They find them cathartic, but my personal preference for this genre is for stories that end on a note a hope. I wouldn’t necessarily change anything here, but I wanted you to understand the variation you may run across in your audience, and if your story does end on a note of hope, then you may want to work it into your pitch, such as, “…and not always for the better.” This means that some things got better as other things got worse.
Entry:
“Buffered under my fortress of blankets I’m safe, no one can harm my soul here.”: Great first line. I’m interested, and my only comment is to add a comma after “blankets” and a period or semi-colon between “safe” and “no one”.
“My heart races, while my throat tightens. The sound of the dragon in full rage-mode makes me wish I had magical powers one reads about in fantasy novels. Unfortunately, I’m nowhere near that lucky.”: Here is another set of good lines, that could be tightened, though it isn’t necessarily required. Consider this option: “My heart races. My throat tightens. The sound of the dragon raging leaves me wishing for magical powers read about in fantasy novels, but I’m not that lucky.”
“No, I’m your typical sixteen-year-old girl, with a dragon for a father, that’s all.”: I really like this line as it sets up your MC and the father very well. I would, however, consider dropping “your typical,” unless you plan on talking to the reader a lot during this book. “Your” is the reader here, so if you didn’t intentional want to speak directly to the reader, by cutting this, you stay in the story. Also, the “typical” seems out of place. I don’t feel like “typical” accurately describes this young girl hiding out under the blankets, afraid of her father. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. If the MC’s character arc begins with her believing she’s typical and then ends with her finding out she is unique, then this is a great line. If this isn’t the case, you can possibly trim to, “No, I’m just a sixteen-year-old girl with a dragon for a father, that’s all.” (Note no comma before “with”.)
(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDelete***
“Shut Up Mel, I swear if you don’t—” My parents’ words collide outside my door, and I scoot further under the covers.
***
For the dialogue above, your reader needs a more concrete attribution. The “My parents’” here implies they are both speaking, but up to this point, we have only heard one speak, and as we don’t know the identity of the speaker yet, it could be the father or the mother, as Mel is common for both men and women (short for Melanie). So, consider saying, “…the dragon began before Mom cut him off. (Add what Mom said. New paragraph) My parents’ words collide outside my door, and I scoot further under the covers.” On a technical note, when using a hypen at the end of dialogue, it means that someone or something cut off the speaker and you should identify what that was. If you use an ellipsis, then it means the speaker trailed off on his or her own accord. You can find some helpful information on this here: https://nhwn.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/grammar-ease-ellipsis-versus-the-em-dash/
“It’s highly unlikely they’ll make an appearance in my room, but you never know. When the dragon’s loose, anything’s possible.”: Again, this is well-written, it gets your point across, and I’m really getting a sense of the MC’s voice and her perception of her father. I wouldn’t change anything here.
“Dad’s not your stereotypical dragon, he’s just a human man. A beautiful person who shines on the outside, like a dragon’s scales.”: As the second sentence here is a fragment, you may want to consider combining these two sentences. Also, keep in mind you used “typical” girl earlier and now you’re using “stereotypical” dragon. You may want to consider changing one or the other. Lastly, as much as I love this analogy of the father shining on the outside, “like a dragon’s scales,” I’m not sure it actually works. It’s hard for me to see the father shining on the outside in this particular way. I think the point you are getting at is that her father is a nice-looking guy who seems nice, but what’s inside isn’t nice at all. Dragon’s scales, which aren’t always beautiful or shiny in my fantasy reading experience, tend to mesmerize with horror. Now that may be your point here, and if so, then you may be on track. But if the idea is that he’s hiding something dark below, then another analogy may need to be used here.
***
“Patrick, Calm Down.” Mom’s voice is only a whisper-yell. Still, it echoes my room.
Oh, Mom… you’ve done it. Wish my blankets were made of steel.
“You can take your calm and shove it Mel, Don’t you ever tell me what to do!”
***
For the dialogue above, there are some technical issues. First, I wouldn’t italicize “Calm Down” here, since you italics immediately after for internal dialogue for the MC. Also, I wouldn’t capitalize these words either. It just isn’t needed to get your point across, and add a comma before “Mel” in the last line, or possibly drop it altogether. In my experience with arguing, the yeller doesn’t usually identify the one being yelled at by name. Instead of names, most of the arguments I’ve witnessed or been a part of tend to use “You” to assign blame and spark tempers. Names tend to be left out of it altogether. (Note: There is the exception of yelling for kids to get front-and-center for a lecture. In that case, naming the children is imperative.) Also, I’d drop the “-yell” off of “whisper,” as your next line implies it’s louder than a whisper. Again, I’d drop the italics on “ever.” It just isn’t necessary.
“The smoke-and-fire Dad breathes when he’s behind closed doors is enough to make anyone hide under their bed.”: I like this line, so I think you should keep it, but if you get to the point that you need to trim, you could lose it, as it doesn’t really add anything new, even if it is well-written.
(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDelete“The first time Mom tried to explain to me what bipolar was it made no sense. By the 500th time I wanted to yell. Just because a doctor says it’s a disease doesn’t make it any better.”: Again, here are some technical edits. Add a comma between “was” and “it” in the first line and between “time” and “I” in the second sentence.
“Sometimes, it’s worse. (New paragraph) I see Dad’s heartbreak when he isn’t having a moment. It kills me inside to watch him go through this. (New paragraph) A moment—HA—If only, life would be so easy.”: For the first paragraph, I’m wondering, sometimes it’s worse than what? The word “worse” implies a comparison that I’m not readily making here. For the second paragraph, there is a lot of telling going on here. You’re telling me about dad’s heartbreak and about it killing her as she watches him, but something like this will be more powerful by showing it. You may want to save this until a little later and develop it through action. For the third paragraph, I know we’ve just met the MC, but this is the only part of this first excerpt that makes me question the authenticity of the voice. The MC comes across as scared and angry wrapped in an odd mixture of serious and whimsical perspectives. You’ve got a good balance going on, but this last paragraph here seems very jaded and cynical. If this is what you were looking for, then this is good. If it isn’t, you should adjust the wording to fit the voice of the rest of the piece.
“Funny how panic heightens every sense... Intense moments, my life’s full of them.”: This felt like a sudden shift from the last paragraphs to this one. I know you mention the word “moments” in both sentences, but I don’t think that’s a strong enough transition. Consider providing a clearer transition between these two ideas. Also, consider removing the ellipsis and combining this into a trimmer sentence, such as, “Funny how life is full of intense moments with panic heightening every sense.” Then, I would follow this with why this is important for the MC and for the reader to know. What does the MC feel or sense when an intense moment occurs? Why is it important to know this now for the reader?
“I didn’t care that there was a scientific term for it then, and I sure as heck don’t now. If something has an explanation, then people use that reason to make the disease ok. I’ve done it, lord knows Mom does it all the time. Even Dad does it.”: Again, there’s a very distinct shift between ideas that doesn’t have a clear transition here. Consider revising with a transition between the last paragraph and this one. In the first sentence of this paragraph, you compare how she felt from the past (“I didn’t care…then”) with the present (“I…don’t now”). My issue is that the past incident isn’t clear. I think your intent is that the past incident are the moments of intensity she has felt in the past, but it doesn’t seem explicit here, and honestly, I don’t think the comparison is that powerful. I think the power lies in the main idea here, which could be expressed in the following way, “I don’t care that there’s a scientific term for it.” Also, “lord” should probably be “Lord” and a period or semi-colon should be between “it” and “Lord.” I’m also if this wouldn’t work better directly after the paragraph that begins “The first time Mom tried to explain…”.
“It’s never ok. It’s a never-ending rollercoaster, and there’s no exit to this ride.”: I love this imagery and it’s a perfect analogy about the ups and downs associated with bipolar personality disorder.
(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDelete“My breathing’s loud enough the neighbors down the street can probably hear. Dad's never physically hurt me or my siblings; no matter how strong his rage, nor how loud his screaming gets. (New paragraph) It doesn’t make a difference, I’m still scared crapless, every. single. time.”: I think some trimming would strengthen these two paragraphs. The concepts are clear and meaningful, so you don’t want to weigh it down with unnecessary words. Consider this: “My breathing’s loud enough the neighbors down the street can probably hear. (New paragraph) Even at his worst, Dad’s never physically hurt me, or my siblings, but that doesn’t make a difference. I’m still scared crapless. Every. Single. Time.” Also, this is a great use of fragments here. Keep in mind that fragments can trip a reader up as they feel incomplete, so when you use them, make sure you use them where it really counts, such as in this case when you used them with “every. single. time.”
***
“How could you forget? I told you I needed this done by TODAY!” Dad’s voice is nuclear level now. A crash follows as something falls to the ground.
***
For the dialogue above, I don’t think the “TODAY” has to be in all caps, but for this reference, I’d leave the italics. Also, my gut tells me that although the MC may not know all the particulars, she probably has an idea of what it was Mel was supposed to do today that didn’t get done. To make this more powerful, the reader should know, too, and here’s why: If it is a small thing, and Dad rages over it, then it helps the reader to understand how little things can set him off, which may help the reader envision the frequency that this happens.
“He only assaults himself. The walls and doors of the house are his victims. And usually, pain’s the only thing that brings him out, once he’s fallen down the rabbit hole.”: A small contradiction here: “He only assaults himself” but he also attacks the “walls and doors of the house.” Try combining these and expanding on the Alice in Wonderland reference. “He only hurts himself when he punches the walls and doors of the house. Usually, the pain’s the only way to drag him back to reality once he’s fallen down the rabbit hole.”
“In the past he’s shattered his hand punching a door, dislocated his toe kicking a wall, he even knocked himself unconscious headbutting a door. We breathe easier once he’s damaged himself. (New paragraph) The pain takes the terror away. For all of us.”: I think this should all be in one paragraph and rephrased to strengthen it and remove the helping verb at the beginning which makes it more active. Here’s an example: “A hand shattered while punching a door, a dislocated toe from kicking a wall, a head-butt against a door, knocking himself unconscious—these help us breathe easier and take the terror away. For all of us.” I’d keep the fragment at the end here as it works.
“I peek out of my fortress and see the shadowy shape of my gym bag with my just-in-case clothes.”: Wow. So much packed into a little sentence. I like this a lot.
Closure:
Cass, you have a bold and powerful beginning to a story I’d probably pick up off the bookshelf. I’m empathizing with the MC and although the Dad’s the dragon, you keep him human enough to make me hurt for him, too. I’m also curious about Mom here and I’d like to know more about Mel. Also, consider giving us a name to the MC within these 500 words. Maybe it’s embroidered on her gym bag and she glances at it? Or maybe Mom warns Dad that the MC will hear? Just a thought.
Again, thank you for being brave enough to put this out for review and critique. It’s never easy to let others do this to your work, but in the end, these are the pages that count when it comes to getting an agent/publisher to even look at it, so it’s a good process. I look forward to seeing your final revision.
Hi, Cass. This story’s theme is one I haven’t read much about – bipolar. I think it’s brave for you to tackle this and I feel it will be a story publishers will like to see.
ReplyDeleteI actually thought at first the girl’s dad really was a dragon and this was going to be a magical fantasy.
I sense the girl’s fright as she hides under the covers, but wonder why she isn’t coming to her mother’s defense. Does she not fear her dad will harm her mother?
Also, these first pages are sending me back and forth. Lanie’s under the covers, her parents are fighting, she talks about her mother’s explanation of bipolar, and then she goes into her dad being upset when it happens. Maybe focus on one line of action and fill in the details of her parents feelings later.
I can imagine what the family’s vacation will be like. You’ve left me wanting to read more. Good luck!
Here are some editing suggestions that you can use or not, to your liking.
[Pitch: If this is Lani’s story, I’m wondering if the pitch should be more about her than her family. How does her bipolar Dad affect her goals? This was probably just a typo, but road trip is two words.]
[first sentence, I would make into two with a period after safe, and then start with: No one can…..}
[probably a typo, you forgot a word in this sentence - Still, it echoes in my room.]
[another typo – you forgot the period after this sentence. I’ve done it, lord knows.]
Pitch: Personally, I like the ominous conclusion to the pitch - I think it signals a different direction for the story than the one we might expect from a family road trip in contemporary YA. I think you can replace "and" with an em dash and gain yourself a word.
ReplyDeleteFirst 500: I saw a peppering of issues with caps/punctuation/clarity that I think Katie covered pretty comprehensively. Overall I love the dragon comparison (and agree that the "just in case" bag is a great detail).
Maybe see if you can string some of these paragraphs together to make for a smoother read; you could also group what's happening in the moment all together and reflect on the stuff that's more introspection and hindsight afterwards once things are calmer.
Pitch: Personally, I like the ominous conclusion to the pitch - I think it signals a different direction for the story than the one we might expect from a family road trip in contemporary YA. I think you can replace "and" with an em dash and gain yourself a word.
ReplyDeleteFirst 500: I saw a peppering of issues with caps/punctuation/clarity that I think Katie covered pretty comprehensively. Overall I love the dragon comparison (and agree that the "just in case" bag is a great detail).
Maybe see if you can string some of these paragraphs together to make for a smoother read; you could also group what's happening in the moment all together and reflect on the stuff that's more introspection and hindsight afterwards once things are calmer.
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteI think tackling a story about a bi-polar parent is brave, so kudos!! On to the pitch:
Lani's family seems perfect on the outside, but her bipolar Dad keeps everyone on their toes. In search of "Normal," they go on a roadtrip that changes their lives; and not necessarily for the better. [This pitch gets the point across, but it still feels flat. Just reading this, I don't know if I would continue reading. I think describing (somehow) in more details how her bipolar Dad keeps them on their toes and how the road trip changes their lives. Right now it feels vague. I instantly thought of National Lampoon's Family Vacation when I read this, but it's not meant to be funny, clearly by the first 500 words. I also think road trip is two words. I think once you find a way to describe it with more detail, you're golden!
First 500:
Buffered under my fortress of blankets I’m safe, no one can harm my soul here. [Great! This is an awesome opening.]
No, I’m your typical sixteen-year-old girl, with a dragon for a father, that’s all. [When I read this, I thought there really aren't any typical sixteen-year-old girls. You want to show the reader why your character is unique and why we should sit and read about her for the next 300 pages.]
“Shut Up Mel, I swear if you don’t—” My parents’ words collide outside my door, and I scoot further under the covers. [Only comment here would be 'Shut Up' shouldn't be capitalized and I would finish the sentence instead of using an em-dash and end the sentence with a tag.]
Oh, Mom… you’ve done it. Wish my blankets were made of steel. [I think this would have more a of punch if you take out the 'Wish my blanket...' sentence.]
“You can take your calm and shove it Mel, Don’t you ever tell me what to do!” [I think the 'Don't you ever tell me what to do!' sounds like a 16-year-old yelling at their parents. I might think about saying something different here. I do like the first sentence!]
The smoke-and-fire Dad breathes when he’s behind closed doors is enough to make anyone hide under their bed.[This is great! Good imagery here.]
The first time Mom tried to explain to me what bipolar was it made no sense. By the 500th time I wanted to yell. Just because a doctor says it’s a disease doesn’t make it any better.
Sometimes, it’s worse. [I think this sentence should be with the prior one. I think someone might have mentioned there are areas where you could combine some paragraphs because right now it does feel a bit choppy.]
I love your voice in this, so great job there. I think my only other comment would be some of the 500 words feels info-dumpy. I get you want to really ground the reader in what it's like to live with someone with bipolar, but the sooner you can get to the action, the better. You can always inject the info about how she feels about his disease, how he's like later in the story.
Thank you for allowing me read this!
Monica M. Hoffman #12
Good morning!
ReplyDeleteI think for the pitch, I would end it at “lives.” The last lines alludes to a very dark place which of course can be attributed to someone suffering from a bipolar disorder. I like the “in search of normal” since every teen is on that path as well.
First 500
Wow! This is going to be a powerful piece of writing. This kid’s voice is authentic and what she says/does is very realistic in her situation. I like her referring to him as a dragon since at her age she still has one foot in childhood even though she is dealing with some decidedly adult issues of parental illness. I’d like to see more empathy for her mother—what has mom given up to stay with a husband who is so unstable? What has it cost the family to stay together? Does she think they would be better off if mom and dad called it quits?
You mention that the father does not touch the family. Would it up her stakes if he did this time? Just a thought. What if mom filed for divorce and the road trip was a last ditch effort to keep the family together? Sorry! I really like this piece and my mind is spinning with the directions this can go. I think you have a great start here if you just tighten it up a little.
I hope my comments help.
Hi Cass! Thanks for joining us once again! :D
ReplyDeleteRemember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window.
My first impression is that Lani's dad is supposed to be empathetic. If that's the case, you might want to make him so, so that your readers (specifically agents) don't wonder why Lani's family hasn't already taken that just in case bag and run.
Also, while I saw straight away what you were doing using the dragon imagery, obviously some of the others here took that literally. Always when looking over your MS look at it with the eyes of different kinds of readers, especially literalists XD
While this is a strong opening, I believe you should cut some of the telling backstory in lieu of keeping us in the moment. While Lani's telling us about their past life, I'm all freaked out over what's happening to her mom.
I think everyone else has covered the editorial details, with the capitalization and contradiction, so I won't be redundant and repeat them :)
Keep at it! It's an interesting premise. I think I'd like to see a little foreshadowing over the road trip in the opening, but I'm not sure how you would do that so I'll leave that to you. Happy Writing!
(Part 1 of 2)
ReplyDeleteHi Cass,
This has real potential. Overall, there are a few proofreading corrections to be made, and I think if you can tap into Lani’s fear more than her anger, you will pull readers in more.
In general, I feel Lani’s anger. She’s very angry, in fact. I think, though, that you want her to appear scared of her father when he is like this. I don’t think I really got that feeling from her, so when she says that her breathing is loud that the neighbors can probably hear her, I felt a disconnect there. It might be too much backstory distracting from the argument that is happening. Would she really have time to think about all of this in the heat of the moment?
I’m excited to see where this goes and I hope my comments above and below (in all caps) are helpful! :-)
-Allison, entry #8
35 word pitch:
Lani's family seems perfect on the outside, but her bipolar Dad keeps everyone on their toes. In search of "Normal," they go on a roadtrip that changes their lives; and not necessarily for the better. [I LIKE THE FIRST SENTENCE, BUT I FIND THE SECOND SENTENCE A BIT VAGUE. WHO IS LOOKING FOR NORMAL? THE DAD? EVERYONE BUT DAD? EVERYONE? IS THERE A NORMAL TO BE FOUND? IS IT MEDICINE/THERAPY, SOMETHING ELSE? AND WHAT IS THE INCITING INCIDENT? THE STAKES ARE VAGUE. IT’S SO HARD WITH ONLY 35 WORDS.]
First 500
Buffered under my fortress of blankets I’m safe, no one can harm my soul here.
My heart races, while my throat tightens. [I FEEL LIKE THE FIRST FEW SENTENCES CONTRADICT WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO CONVEY—SHE THINKS SHE IS SAFE UNDER THE BLANKETS (OR IS PRETENDING TO BE SAFE), BUT THEN HER HEART IS RACING AND HER THROAT TIGHTENS. CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT EFFECT THE BLANKETS HAS ON HER? IS SHE UPSET THAT THEY AREN’T WORKING TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER?]
Dad’s not your stereotypical dragon, he’s just a human man. [I’M NOT SURE THAT YOU NEED “HUMAN” HERE.] A beautiful person who shines on the outside, like a dragon’s scales. [I FOUND THIS DESCRIPTION A BIT AWKWARD. I REALLY HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT, BECAUSE IT’S ALMOST LIKE IT’S TRYING TOO HARD TO FIT THE DRAGON THEME. I ALMOST THINK IT WOULD BETTER WITHOUT IT AND JUST MOVE RIGHT INTO MOM’S DIALOGUE SO IT DOESN’T SLOW DOWN THE STORY]
“Patrick, Calm Down.” Mom’s voice is only a whisper-yell. Still, it echoes my room. [I THINK THIS MIGHT BE MISSING “IN”]
(Part 2 of 2)
ReplyDelete“You can take your calm and shove it Mel, Don’t you ever tell me what to do!” [WATCH PUNCTUATION HERE]
The smoke-and-fire Dad breathes when he’s behind closed doors is enough to make anyone hide under their bed. [I THINK THIS SHOULD BE BREATHS]
The first time Mom tried to explain to me what bipolar was it made no sense. [WHAT GIVES HER THE MOST DIFFICULTY IN UNDERSTANDING? I’M NOT SURE I’M CONNECTING WITH HER AS MUCH BECAUSE I’M MISSING SOME OF THE INFO HERE]
I didn’t care that there was a scientific term for it then, and I sure as heck don’t now. [THE CHANGE OF TENSES HERE MAKES THIS SENTENCE A BIT UNCLEAR. A LITTLE REARRANGING MIGHT DO THE TRICK: I DIDN’T CARE THEN THAT THERE WAS A SCIENTIFIC TERM FOR IT, AND I SURE AS HECK DON’T CARE NOW.]
He only assaults himself. The walls and doors of the house are his victims. [THESE TWO SENTENCES CONTRADICT EACH OTHER RATHER THAN SUPPORT EACH OTHER. I THINK IT MIGHT BE MORE EFFECTIVE TO EXPLAIN THAT THE HOUSE SUSTAINS THE DAMAGE WITH THE ONLY HUMAN VICTIM BEING HIMSELF]
In the past he’s shattered his hand punching a door, dislocated his toe kicking a wall, he even knocked himself unconscious headbutting a door. [MAYBE COMBINE THE PUNCHING/HEADBUTTING IN THE SAME PART OF THE SENTENCE, OTHERWISE REPEATING “DOOR” AGAIN MAKES IT A BIT CLUNKY] We breathe easier once he’s damaged himself.
The pain takes the terror away. For all of us. [MAYBE INSTEAD OF “THE”, USE “HIS”-- HIS PAIN TAKES THE TERROR AWAY]
I stopped in just to look at the entries since I participated in the last YayYA. Your entry had me hooked and wanting to read more. I don't think there are nearly enough books out there that deal with this tough subject and how a kid handles it.
ReplyDeleteWishing you luck.
This is a two-parter
ReplyDeleteI am stupid in love with this piece. I don’t think you get enough insight into living with someone with mental disorder, especially as the parent. I’m really curious to see how this all plays out and look forward to your revision.
The Monster Ate My Clubhouse
Lani's family seems perfect on the outside, but her bipolar Dad keeps everyone(you may thing about changing ‘on their toes’ to something more dramatic. That phrase makes me think he’s a handful not really to true spectrum you’re probably going for) on their toes. In search of "Normal," they go on a roadtrip that changes their lives; and not necessarily for the better. (Road trip is two words)
Buffered under my fortress of blankets I’m safe, no one can harm my soul here.
ReplyDeleteMy heart races, while(change ‘while’ to and) my throat tightens. The sound of the dragon in full rage-mode makes me wish I had magical powers one reads about in fantasy novels. Unfortunately, I’m nowhere near that lucky.(stop at ‘magical powers. Unfortunately, I’m not lucky enough to be in a fantasy novel.’)
No, I’m your typical(Skip the beginning, ‘I’m just a )sixteen-year-old girl, with a dragon for a father, that’s all.
“Shut Up Mel, I swear if you don’t—” My parents’ words collide outside my door, and I scoot further under the covers.
It’s highly(skip highly) unlikely they’ll make an appearance in my room, but you never know. When the dragon’s loose, anything’s possible.
Dad’s not your stereotypical dragon, he’s just a human man. A beautiful person who shines on the outside, like a dragon’s scales.
“Patrick, Calm Down.” Mom’s voice is only a whisper-yell. Still, it echoes my room.
Oh, Mom… you’ve done it. Wish my blankets were made of steel.
“You can take your calm and shove it Mel, Don’t you ever tell me what to do!”
The smoke-and-fire Dad breathes when he’s behind closed doors is enough to make anyone hide under their bed.
The first time Mom tried to explain to me what bipolar was it made no sense. By the 500th time I wanted to yell. Just because a doctor says it’s a disease doesn’t make it any better.
Sometimes, it’s worse.
I see Dad’s heartbreak when he isn’t having a moment. It kills me inside to watch him go through this.
A moment—HA—If only, life would be so easy. (Maybe add at the end, “if it was truly only a moment)
Funny how panic heightens every sense…(this seems very disjointed. It works if that’s what you’re going for. ‘Her random train of thought’ during this time kind of thing but if not than you could change it) Intense moments, my life’s full of them.
I didn’t care that there was a scientific term for it then, and I sure as heck don’t now. If something has an explanation, then people use that reason to make the disease ok. I’ve done it, lord knows Mom does it all the time. Even Dad does it.
It’s never ok. It’s a never-ending rollercoaster, and there’s no exit to this ride.
My breathing’s loud enough the neighbors down the street can probably hear.(This last sentence seems off. Maybe cut it or just switch it with some other kind of description) Dad's never physically hurt me or my siblings; no matter how strong his rage, nor how loud his screaming gets.
It doesn’t make a difference, I’m still scared crapless, every. single. time.
“How could you forget? I told you I needed this done by TODAY!” Dad’s (you’re using ‘Dad’ a lot you could switch it up with ‘his’ just to mix it up) voice is ( add at) nuclear level (drop now) now. A crash follows as something falls to the ground.
He only assaults himself. The walls and doors of the house are his victims. And usually(switch to ‘Usually the pain’s), pain’s the only thing that brings him out, once he’s fallen down the rabbit hole.
In the past he’s shattered his hand punching a door, dislocated his toe kicking a wall,(this is purely opinion but for some reason I find a dislocated toe funny. Maybe just say broke his toe) he even knocked himself unconscious headbutting a door. We breathe easier once he’s damaged himself.
The pain takes the terror away. For all of us.
I peek out of my fortress and see the shadowy shape of my gym bag with my just-in-case clothes.
Hi Cass, this is Jen, entry #9.
ReplyDeletePitch: The only notes I have are that I don’t think “dad” should be capitalized in that usage, and I wouldn’t capitalize “Normal” either.
First 500
So I’m coming from a Fantasy background, and don’t read much contemp, but the mention of her soul makes me think you mean her soul is literally in danger. Like it might be if this was a paranormal about angels and demons. Maybe something simpler like “No one can hurt me here” would be more effective, but that’s just my thought.
I don’t think we need both the heart racing and throat tightening in the next paragraph. One would be sufficient.
I feel like your use of “one” in “magical powers one reads about” is a little formal for a sixteen year old in a contemporary setting. Maybe “like I’ve read about” instead?
“The “No, I’m your typical sixteen year old girl” line feels a bit like breaking the fourth wall. Is this something your character would actually think to herself in this situation?
I like the imagery of her father as a dragon, but I think it might be helpful to limit your usage of it. It’s in almost all of your first few paragraphs, and it starts to make the line blur between whether he’s actually a dragon or if she’s just making a comparison.
I would love another line after “beautiful person who shines on the outside, like a dragon’s scales” that talks about what he’s like on the inside to complete the imagery.
Absolutely love the line “Wish my blankets were made of steel.”
The line “A moment—HA—If only, life would be so easy” seems to contradict the line which comes before. I think if you really want to play on the horribleness of being thrown in and out of these situations, you could put in a bit more description of what he’s like when he’s not having a moment. And then instead of the HA line, something simple like “But it’s never just one moment” would be very powerful.
You use a lot of phrases like “no exit to this ride”, “fallen down the rabbit hole” that are pulled from elsewhere, pop culture, etc. If you could replace those with your own words it would make them much stronger.
This is a pretty powerful scene and you’re definitely tackling an important issue here. Just a little bit of editing will make it really shine.
Hi, Cass. I can tell you've worked on your story and I like the revisions you've made. This is an important subject that needs addressed, and you have taken on an enormous task. Good luck with your writing career. I don't think you'll have a problem finding a publisher.
ReplyDeleteHi Cass!
ReplyDeleteSorry I didn't get to this earlier! Hopefully I can give you a thing or two to chew on to make this shine even brighter!
Pitch:
I like it, it's tight and clever, but... it's not exactly unique. I know you have a unique story in here. Something that shines and makes your story special and compelling. And something that centers around Lani, not her dad.
I challenge you to take another stab at writing this and only tell me what makes Lani's story interesting. Write something that focuses her character arc rather than the overall plot.
If you're like me, you're trying really hard to tell the MOST of the story you can. Instead, go for the deepest.
Also, watch out for "normal" as a descriptor Agents like to point out just how very many stories have that as their central premise and how very undescriptive it becomes when you compare it that way. Her ideal of normal... now that's got potential for being unique.
First 500:
My challenge here is to swap out some of your adverbs/adjectives. Don't you dare remove them! But exchange them for words that are messier, more emotionally laden, communicate both the technical aspects of what she's describing and weigh us down with her emotional reaction to the thing as well.
I think if you do that, especially at the beginning, you'll find a lot of people will connect to Lani a whole lot faster. These kinds of parents elicit emotions. Even thinking about them, even distancing yourself from them, there are words that will communicate more than than an whole description. The most personal example I have is, "One time, mom got so pissed about my brother's room she broke that stupid porcelain pig he had on his wall."
As a single incident it's not overly powerful, but I cannot think about that story without insulting the pig. It did nothing. It wasn't even dirty. You add enough of those tiny words up, you'll get a powerful image of Lani that will be undeniable.
I hope that I've been of any help at all! You be true to your voice and your story! Hopefully I've just given you a few ideas to mull over!
Best of luck!
Hi Cass, Kiernan at #4 here. I wasn't one of your initial reviewers so this was my first time reading your entry. Wow, this is a powerful story. Your pitch is really well done, although I don't think you need to capitalize "normal." I like your opening, although I might leave out "no one can harm my soul here" and just end with "I'm safe." I think your use of the dragon metaphor is stronger in your second revision but could still use a little tightening. I thought this phrase was probably your weakest reference: "No, I’m just a sixteen-year-old girl with a dragon for a father, that’s all." I think it works better when you capitalize, and use it sparingly. But these are nitpicky little things, so take or leave them as they work for your story. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Cass,
ReplyDeleteThe Dragon reference this time didn't have me thinking fantasy-real-Dragon. Well done. This time the fear is more clearly from the emotional damage this is doing not the threat of physical harm to the MC, which is tough to manage and you did a great job. Major kudos to you for tackling this subject that needs to be addressed. I like this pitch a lot better, but agree that the focus is still not on the MC. Your revisions have strengthened this a lot. Well done!
Jacqueline #6
Hi Cass,
ReplyDeleteI can tell you've worked really hard on this edit and I think it reads a lot better. Great job! I really want to see you succeed with this story. It's an intriguing premise which I think you mentioned on twitter is something you have personal experience with. Good luck with everything! :-)