Sheena Boekweg
@SheenaBoekweg
Title: THE WAXLING
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
Pitch: Wax girl Sarah’s heart is a carved seed, storing her emotions and empowering her last great wish. A miracle Blake needs to save his mother. But when he steals her heart, he loses his own.
First 500:
The mannequin glared at me.
I had chosen this seat for the vantage of the bus driver eating a hot pocket at the counter, the view of the clock ticking down to 8:30 p.m., and the fact that the stupid mannequins at the gift shop were facing away from me, but now one white faceless statue stared me down from beneath a Welcome to Tacoma baseball hat.
I clutched my bag handles to my chest and changed seats so my back was to the gift shop. My new seat squeaked, drawing the attention of a young family a row over. They had a little kid with them, maybe seven or eight, who slept on his mother’s shoulder.
My eyes stung so I closed them.
Mattie would be okay without me. He didn’t need his big sister.
I had to think for myself here. He’s not the Protector. They aren’t going to train him the way they trained me. They aren’t going to break him the way they broke me.
Taylor Swift sang through the bus station sound system as I looked up at the clock. Seven minutes until boarding. Seven minutes until freedom.
They’ll all be okay without me.
My heel bounced on the linoleum letting out a crack, crack, crack like a soft drumming. The dad looked up at me, and I could see him look twice; once to see me, once to judge me. I knew the verdict. My ancient blue polyester dress clung to my sides from sweat and my long braid poofed up around my bangs like I was a runaway polygamous bride. I know he pegged me as a member of a cult, and I hated it.
I hated that it was sort of true.
Someone sat down in the chair next to me. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. I knew Henry by his smell-- campfire smoke, sweat, and the soft taint of wax. I knew him by the ink that stained his fingertips, the scar on his wrist from years ago when he fell off the top of the stone wall that surrounded the Singer Compound. I knew him from the warmth of his knee brushing against mine.
I knew they would send him. Henry was my prison walls.
The driver took a last bite of his hot pocket and wiped the grease on his uniform. I looked up at the clock. Four minutes. “I bought two tickets. Just in case,” I said.
Henry closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. “Ari…”
“Come with me.”
The florescent lights highlighted the line of his nose. His floppy blond hair hung over his gold-framed glasses. He sighed and I glared at the vending machines. He didn’t even have to say a thing; I know his sighs.
“You know it wouldn’t work. They’d come after us. You’re the--"
“—I know what I am. And I know what I can do. Come with me.-- 
Hi Sheena, some great voice coming through your entry from my first read. I'll be posting more detailed feedback over the weekend and into the week.
ReplyDeleteHi Sheena, first things first. You know how much I dig this premise and this is a great opening. There are a couple points it could be even stronger. In the second sentence vantage is a word choice that trips up the reader, in part because we are expecting vantage point and you don't use the second word.
ReplyDeleteI would put the clock before the bus driver in the list, the clock is more important. I would also think about breaking off the mannequin part into another sentence. As it stands it's long.
In the paragraph about the family you don't need little to describe the kid since you name the age of right after. I would also move the exchange with the dad to right there, not later. And in the section about the dad cut I knew, from the "he pegged" me sentence. It's passive and doesn't need to be there.
When she has to think for herself, "here" isn't needed. After that I would change the tense back to past, it caught me off guard and had no other demarcation than the warning she was thinking.
In the passage about Henry, which is beautiful, you don't need "to know who it was" and the passive "I knew" works after that, although I would add "and" before the final "I knew they would send him." I love the metaphor of the prison, but the plural walls feels awkward. Maybe walls of my prison as an idea?
When she knows Henry will turn her down I would cut "say a thing" and make it "say it." I would again turn the next line into past tense. In Henry's dialogue that comes next I would rephrase, "it wouldn't" to it won't, and "they'd" to they'll.
The imagery, the mannequins, the runaway bride, the details about Henry, the language is beautiful and the voice is strong. I want to read the rest of it and I was nit picky, I think it's strong!
Well done!
Jacqueline Eberli #6
Hi Sheena!
ReplyDeleteThough the pitch is a little confusing and needs polishing and the beginning is a little slow, this is pretty interesting. I think there's a different genre that this fits in since "contemporary fantasy" doesn't exist as far as I know.
You might want to show a little more what the MC is doing because it sound like she's running away to go save someone by I wasn't sure. And maybe explain something a little more about Henry since he just shows up and we don't know if he's a friend or sibling.
Hope this helps!
-Grace #10
Hi Sheena,
ReplyDeleteIntro to critique:
First, allow me to say thank you for being so brave as to put your work out there for praise and criticism. It’s never easy to send writing efforts into the world, and it’s even harder to do it when you know people are going to be reviewing it with a fine-toothed comb.
Also, please remember that this is your work, and mine is only one opinion. So, take what you like and leave what you don’t.
Pitch:
I’m going to focus on your 35-word pitch first. I am immediately drawn into this premise and can’t wait to find out more. I do have some questions regarding clarity. Is the miracle Blake needs Sarah’s “last great wish”? And whose heart does he steal? I’m assuming it’s Sarah’s, but as this immediately followed the words “his mother,” it makes me wonder if it is actually her heart he steals. Also, when you say he loses his own, it makes me wonder if this story is more about Blake or about Sarah or both equally? I would try rewording this to clarify those points.
(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDeleteEntry:
“The mannequin glared at me.”: Yep. That’s happened to me before, and even though I’m typically not a fan of giving human actions to inanimate things, the fact that this is a mannequin seems to allow for it. I’m not sure about this being your first line yet, but for now it’s working for me.
“I had chosen this seat for the vantage of the bus driver eating a hot pocket at the counter, the view of the clock ticking down to 8:30 p.m., and the fact that the stupid mannequins at the gift shop were facing away from me, but now one white faceless statue stared me down from beneath a Welcome to Tacoma baseball hat.”: Some technical things first. I’m pretty sure “hot pocket” should be “Hot Pocket” as it’s branded, and if it isn’t really necessary to use a branded product, consider calling it a “microwaved pocket sandwich” or something generic like that.
Also, this is a long sentence. Try breaking it up, as you start with the bus driver, then you go to the clock, then to the mannequins, and then a specific mannequin. I probably would start with the mannequins, since it follows your opening line, and if the mannequins were all looking away and then suddenly one is staring at her, well that’s fairly creepy and definitely something that needs to be stated clearly for your reader to pick up on it because it is so unusual. Maybe something like this: “I chose my seat so the stupid mannequins in the gift shop window faced away from me, but now one white, faceless statue stared me down from beneath a Welcome to Tacoma baseball cap.” Then I’d go into the bus drive/clock sentence and finish up with some internal dialogue about what she’d just seen.
“I clutched my bag handles to my chest and changed seats so my back was to the gift shop. My new seat squeaked, drawing the attention of a young family a row over. They had a little kid with them, maybe seven or eight, who slept on his mother’s shoulder.”: I agree with the Jacqueline here, “little kid” isn’t necessary, and for that matter, neither is “young” necessary to describe the family. Also, maybe it’s just because I have a six-year-old, but seven or eight seems a little big to sleep on a mother’s shoulder. If the child was curled up next to her or younger, then it would work.
“My eyes stung so I closed them. (New paragraph) Mattie would be okay without me. He didn’t need his big sister.”: I think this may work as is, but if you want just a little more clarity, maybe re-word it to something along these lines, “The scene stung, so I closed my eyes….”
“I had to think for myself here. He’s not the Protector. They aren’t going to train him the way they trained me. They aren’t going to break him the way they broke me.”: Again, I think this works here. Reading this, here’s what I’m thinking: As the MC is in the bus station and these sentences are in past tense, it makes me think she’s going FROM whatever trained her and broke her TO something else. If that’s not the case, then you may want to adjust. Also, the “here” in the first sentence kind of threw me. Literally, it sounds like the MC needs to think for herself in the bus station, but I’m fairly certain that’s not what you meant.
“Taylor Swift sang through the bus station sound system as I looked up at the clock.”: Is it necessary for it to be Taylor Swift? Just keep in mind this dates the story, so you may want to adjust if that’s not your intent.
(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDelete“Seven minutes until boarding. Seven minutes until freedom. (New paragraph) They’ll all be okay without me.”: Who is they at this point? I don’t have a reference for it. Otherwise, I like the sense of counting down to freedom you’ve developed.
“My heel bounced on the linoleum letting out a crack, crack, crack like a soft drumming.”: I like this imagery, and it sets up her impatience nicely. I’d probably drop the “like a soft drumming” as the soft seems at odds with the “crack, crack, crack.”
“The dad looked up at me, and I could see him look twice; once to see me, once to judge me.”: You’ve used “look” twice here, so consider tightening, such as “The dad surveyed me twice, once to see me and again to judge me.”
“I knew the verdict. My ancient blue polyester dress clung to my sides from sweat and my long braid poofed up around my bangs like I was a runaway polygamous bride. I know he pegged me as a member of a cult, and I hated it.”: Cut “I was” from the “polygamous bride” phrase. It isn’t necessary. And I agree with Jacqueline, remove the “I know” from the “he pegged me” sentence. You may also want to reword the cult phrase to “…as a cult member.” That’ll strengthen this passage and trim it here needed.
“I hated that it was sort of true.”: I think the idea here is that she hates the guy thinks this, but she hates it MORE that it is sort of true. So, maybe reword this to something like, “I hated more that it was sort of true.”
“Someone sat down in the chair next to me. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. I knew Henry by his smell-- campfire smoke, sweat, and the soft taint of wax. I knew him by the ink that stained his fingertips, the scar on his wrist from years ago when he fell off the top of the stone wall that surrounded the Singer Compound. I knew him from the warmth of his knee brushing against mine. (New paragraph) I knew they would send him. Henry was my prison walls.”: I think I would introduce Henry in the second sentence, “I didn’t need to look up to know it was Henry.” Then go into the description, “The smell of campfire smoke, sweat, and the soft taint of wax wafted over me. From the corner of my eye, I glimpsed his ink-stained fingertips and scarred wrist, a memento from years ago when he fell from the wall surrounding the Singer Compound. His knee brushed mine, his warmth all too familiar. (New paragraph) It made sense they would send Henry, my prison walls.” I wrote this out because I’m noticing you have a penchant for using repetition in your writing, and although this can be a nice stylistic element when used periodically, I counted it eight times altogether in these first 500 words. That’s a lot of use of repetition, so I’d remove it for this passage. Also, just as an FYI, the knee phrase makes me think she’s romantically interested in him, then in the next sentence, Henry is her “prison walls.” So I’m getting some contradictory signals here. I’m not sure if that’s how you mean to convey Henry, but that’s what I’m getting.
“The driver took a last bite of his hot pocket and wiped the grease on his uniform. I looked up at the clock. Four minutes.”: This reads good to me! ☺
(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDelete***
“I bought two tickets. Just in case,” I said.
Henry closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. “Ari…”
“Come with me.”
The florescent lights highlighted the line of his nose. His floppy blond hair hung over his gold-framed glasses. He sighed and I glared at the vending machines. He didn’t even have to say a thing; I know his sighs.
“You know it wouldn’t work. They’d come after us. You’re the--"
“—I know what I am. And I know what I can do. Come with me.”
***
For the dialogue above, when she glares at the vending machines, it seems off as she was just looking at him. I’d also drop the word “even” from “He didn’t even have to say a thing.” Also, I think the “I know his sighs” is redundant here. Lastly, I’m having some issues with the helping verbs in Henry’s warning, “You know it wouldn’t work. They’d come after us.” Did this happen before, after, or is this currently progressing? The helping verbs are mixed so it’s hard to tell. I also think I’d reword Ari’s last statement and remove the “I know” phrases or at least drop one of them. You’ve used it a lot in these first 500 words.
Closing:
All in all, Sheena, I’m impressed and I’m interested. I’d like to know what it means by Ari being the Protector, but I’m okay at this point letting the story develop to tell me what that means. Great beginning and thanks for sharing!
Sooo, clearly I was up way too late last night, because I wrote out a whole critique for this aaand forgot to post it. Whereupon my computer ate it >_< Here comes Take 2.
ReplyDeleteFirst Impression:
Oo, a wax girl! That's new! I want to know more!
Critique:
This is a really well written piece, Sheena. There were only two spots I thought could use some work as far as clarity of meaning goes.
First is the dad assuming your MC is in a cult. Don't get me wrong--I love that paragraph. The phrase "runaway polygamous bride" made me ridiculously happy ;) However, most people don't see an odd-looking girl and assume she's in a cult, as cults are somewhat of a rarity. If you could offer explanation as to why that's the conclusion he'd jump to, it would help the reader out. Are they near a cult everyone knows about? Is there an usual number of cults in their vicinity?
Second is the bit about the MC's younger brother not being the Protector. That needs a bit of explanation too, as others have mentioned.
Concluding Thoughts: Besides those few things, this looks awesome. You know your craft, and it's easy to see you've put some time and effort into this. I would certainly read on at this point. And I likely would have picked this up off a shelf at the library or bookstore based on what's in your pitch. Great job, Sheena.
Hi Sheena, good to see you again!
ReplyDeleteGenre: Good, good. I'm going to disagree with Rachel, Contemporary Fantasy is very much a thing. ;)
Pitch: This is a lot stronger! You've definitely been honing it since last #YayYA.
You might find that it's even stronger if you let go of trying to explain both characters and just focus on one, but that's a hard thing to ask and accomplish. It's most important that the reader feel intrigued by the story they're about to read and have a connection to the character they're trying to follow. The constant call for stakes is one way to elicit that, but if it makes your story sound like a hundred others focus instead on what makes your story interesting and unique.
First 500:
We don't know your character well enough yet to interpret their physical cues. Use this scene to establish some of that. How they react to things. Keeping it a mystery or explaining it backwards leaves the reader feeling disoriented when what you want is for them to feel a connection to the MC.
I think most of the other reviewers have touched on the technical, so I'll go for more of the visceral. When you're describing things load them up with personal connotation with your MC. It'll establish character and orient the reader!
Hope I've been of any help at all! Best of luck!
heehee actually Bethany (Grace) was the one who commented about contemp. fantasy. :D
DeleteHi Sheena!
ReplyDeleteI recognize your first line from #GreenLightWIP. I entered too! Good luck!
Anyway… I must focus.
I love your premise! Like, LOVE it. But… I don’t love the second sentence, which is a fragment. I think you’re saying that Sarah’s last wish is for a miracle to save Blake’s mother. But who is Blake? If we can’t find out who Blake is in the first 500 words, perhaps connecting the two sentences will help with the clarity.
Next, I second the comment about “vantage” (point). Easy fix= add “point.”
I’m also seconding Jacqueline’s comment about the plural “walls.” It seems awkward somehow. Singular sounds strange too. Maybe rearrange the sentence a little bit. Also, I can’t tell if Henry is friend or foe? Is he trapping her? Did he make her?
Feeding off of Katie’s comment about the single mannequin that is still looking at her—I feel like this is important, and if it is, I don’t think it’s conveyed to that effect.
I was also thrown off by the Taylor Swift. Does it need to be Taylor Swift? Earlier, a comment was made that it will date your story. Not only that, but people seem to be fairly “pro” or “anti” Taylor Swift. I’d hate for the haters to begin judging you as an author already for mentioning her. ;-)
Overall, there are some awkward tenses here and there, so if you tighten that up, I think you’re well on your way and I totally want to read the rest!
-Allison, #8
Ooo, I like the direction you've taken this since the last YayYA!
ReplyDeletePitch: I like the language here but find it a little unclear, especially when the first 500 seems to feature different people entirely. The pitch also emphasizes Blake's point of view, which doesn't appear here. My other thought is that Blake losing his heart seems like an ending, as opposed to a risk or a struggle; this might just be a question of verb tense - would it work to say instead something like "If he steals her heart, he'll lose his own"?
First 500: Ooooh I love the staring mannequin! Mad creepy! This detail kind of disappears thereafter, though (whereas the bus driver's Hot Pocket, for example, recurs) - I'm hoping it resurfaces after this excerpt!
I also like the tension (the countdown is great!) and sense of history you've created for Ari. I think you've gotten good comments regarding places where you can tighten and clarify. For my part, I wonder whether "I drummed my heels on the linoleum" would be more succinct - also "my long braid poofed up around my bangs" confused me a bit; do you mean her braid is looped around her head (crown braid, I think this is called)?
Watch out for some abrupt tense shifts, e.g. "They'll all be okay without me" - since most of this is in past tense, putting this statement in present tense sounds like you're giving us her thoughts directly; if that's the case, this should be in italics to mark it as such.
Ooo, I like the direction you've taken this since the last YayYA!
ReplyDeletePitch: I like the language here but find it a little unclear, especially when the first 500 seems to feature different people entirely. The pitch also emphasizes Blake's point of view, which doesn't appear here. My other thought is that Blake losing his heart seems like an ending, as opposed to a risk or a struggle; this might just be a question of verb tense - would it work to say instead something like "If he steals her heart, he'll lose his own"?
First 500: Ooooh I love the staring mannequin! Mad creepy! This detail kind of disappears thereafter, though (whereas the bus driver's Hot Pocket, for example, recurs) - I'm hoping it resurfaces after this excerpt!
I also like the tension (the countdown is great!) and sense of history you've created for Ari. I think you've gotten good comments regarding places where you can tighten and clarify. For my part, I wonder whether "I drummed my heels on the linoleum" would be more succinct - also "my long braid poofed up around my bangs" confused me a bit; do you mean her braid is looped around her head (crown braid, I think this is called)?
Watch out for some abrupt tense shifts, e.g. "They'll all be okay without me" - since most of this is in past tense, putting this statement in present tense sounds like you're giving us her thoughts directly; if that's the case, this should be in italics to mark it as such.
Hi Sheena!
ReplyDeleteWhat a creative idea, and I want to read this! So cool. Glad I got to read the first 500 words.
Pitch: I think someone hit my thoughts exactly. We start in one POV but end up with Blake for the rest of it. I think you should focus on her and mention Blake in a way so he's not the focus for the last half of the pitch. Otherwise, it's great!
First 500:
Most have hit on most of the technical, so I will focus more on pacing and what I think works or doesn't work.
The mannequin glared at me. [As much as I want to love this opening, I doesn't say much and it's a bit misleading. At first, if I hadn't read the pitch, I would have thought this is a horror book. That's just me. But that first paragraph deals with this mannequin when you probably should be grounding us more about why she's sitting in the bus station.]
I clutched my bag handles to my chest and changed seats so my back was to the gift shop. My new seat squeaked, drawing the attention of a young family a row over. They had a little kid with them, maybe seven or eight, who slept on his mother’s shoulder. [I love this paragraph. The imagery is fantastic. I feel like I'm sitting them myself.]
My eyes stung so I closed them. [For pacing, I think you could go without this sentence.]
I had to think for myself here. He’s not the Protector. They aren’t going to train him the way they trained me. They aren’t going to break him the way they broke me. [I also think we need more detail about what the Protector is, because right now I'm not sure where this story is going.]
Taylor Swift sang through the bus station sound system as I looked up at the clock. Seven minutes until boarding. Seven minutes until freedom.
They’ll all be okay without me. [I would think about taking out Taylor Swift and maybe just use 'music dribbled through the station's sound system as I glanced at the clock.' Or something like that.
I knew they would send him. Henry was my prison walls.[I see what you are trying to say with 'Henry was my prison walls', but as it reads, it sounds awkward.]
I knew they would send him. Henry was my prison walls.
The florescent lights highlighted the line of his nose. His floppy blond hair hung over his gold-framed glasses. He sighed and I glared at the vending machines. He didn’t even have to say a thing; I know his sighs. [The only thing here is 'I know his sighs'. I KNOW is a filter and you should try your best to eliminate most of them from your writing. It distances your reader from the story, which you don't want to do. Here is a fantastic article about other words you should try to avoid.https://litreactor.com/essays/chuck-palahniuk/nuts-and-bolts-%E2%80%9Cthought%E2%80%9D-verbs
I have already improved my writing after reading this. It forces you to reword your sentences to make them stronger. This is my secret weapon I'm sharing with you all! :-)
Overall, I'm very intrigued by your story and I would read on! Good job!
Monica M. Hoffman #12
Hello Sheena!! Glad to have you back and thanks for helping advertise this hop :D
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to see how you've persevered with this project. I think I commented last #YayYA how I could tell you love this story: it really shines through, and it does even more now.
Your pitch is much much clearer than last time. The sentence though about the miracle needs to be "Ben needs a miracle to save his mother." Also, "her heart" is currently modifying "mother" when I know you mean Sarah :D But that last sentence is very pithy :D
Your writing is clean and enjoyable. I think everyone else covered the editorial details, so I won't bog you down with redundancy. I think your dialogue could use some speech tags, and I would like to know what the outside weather is like. You have a Stiefvater-way with the setting, using the surroundings to convey Sarah's feelings through literary devices. Whether or not that's intentional, there it is :D Looking forward to seeing where this great story of yours goes!
This will be in 2 separate comments bc of size:
ReplyDeleteI’m throughly intrigued. I think the concept is strong even though I’m only getting a tiny bit of it here. You get a good sense of what she’s going through in the first 500 but not a lot actually happening. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, simply an observation. I made a few suggestions and comments. As always, they are to be taken with a grain of salt. I look forward to reading the revisions. Good luck and I hope this helped.
THE WAXLING ( I like the title but I also had a thought. What about something like “Wax Girl’s Heart” or some combination of that)
Wax girl Sarah’s heart is a carved seed, storing her emotions and empowering her last great wish. A miracle Blake needs to save his mother. But when he steals her heart, he loses his own. (I feel like there’s so much to this story and I don’t feel like this pitch is conveying all of it. I know that’s vague and kind of useless but it’s all I’ve got. Maybe since we don’t know who Blake is to Sarah you could just say a boy or man or whoever he is. And the last line could be taken literally or figuratively or both so it’s confusing.)
The mannequin glared at me.
ReplyDeleteI had chosen this seat for the vantage of the bus driver eating a hot pocket at the counter, (maybe skip the bus driver part or put it at the end) the view of the clock ticking down to 8:30 p.m., and the fact that the stupid mannequins at the gift shop were facing away from me, but now one white faceless statue stared me down from beneath a Welcome to Tacoma baseball hat. (Maybe mention the smell of the bus station or something to give us a better sense of where she is)
I clutched my bag handles (I clutched the handles of my bags and held them to my chest) to my chest and changed seats so my back was to the gift shop. My new seat squeaked, drawing the attention of a young family a row over. They had a little kid with them, maybe seven or eight, who slept on his mother’s shoulder.
My eyes stung so I closed them.
Mattie would be okay without me. He didn’t need his big sister.
I had to think for myself here. He’s not the Protector. They aren’t going to train him the way they trained me. They aren’t going to break him the way they broke me.
Taylor Swift sang through the bus station sound system as I looked up at the clock. Seven minutes until boarding. Seven minutes until freedom.
They’ll all be okay without me.
My heel bounced on the linoleum letting out a crack, crack, crack like a soft drumming. The dad looked up at me, and I could see him look twice; once to see me, once to judge me. I knew the verdict. My ancient blue polyester dress clung to my sides from sweat and my long braid poofed up around my bangs like I was a runaway polygamous bride. I know he pegged me as a member of a cult, and I hated it.
I hated that it was sort of true.
Someone sat down in the chair next to me. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. I knew Henry by his smell-- campfire smoke, sweat, and the soft taint of wax. I knew him by the ink that stained his fingertips, the scar on his wrist from years ago when he fell off the top of the stone wall that surrounded the Singer Compound. I knew him from the warmth of his knee brushing against mine.
I knew they would send him. Henry was my prison walls. (I love this last line but think it could be tweaked just a bit)
The driver took a last bite of his hot pocket and wiped the grease on his uniform. I looked up at the clock (add ‘again’). Four minutes. “I bought two tickets. Just in case,” I said.(finally looking at him.)
Henry closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck. “Ari…”
“Come with me.”
The florescent lights highlighted the line of his nose. His floppy blond hair hung over his gold-framed glasses. He sighed and I glared at the vending machines. He didn’t even have to say a thing; I know his sighs.
“You know it wouldn’t work. They’d come after us. You’re the--"
“—I know what I am. And I know what I can do. Come with me.-- (I like that you’re starting to see her strength and not just the anxiety of leaving. She must have a strong will to leave and I’m glad it’s finally showing)
Heyyyyya Sheena! *Waves* :)
ReplyDeletepitch: think it might need just a little more playing around to make sure it all stands clear, some people mentioned they weren't sure if he was stealing his mom's heart or Sarah's. Maybe change it up and be like:
Inside the carved seed heart of the wax girl, Sarah, lies the miracle Blake needs to save his mom. In stealing Sarah's heart he loses his own. Now he must choose, mom's life or love.
500
Girl, you know I adore your story and It's cool to see it starting in a whole new place. I voted your sentence in Greenlight as one of my favs and had no clue it was you lol. So having said that, I like your opening ;)
I love the picture you paint and most of the small issues have already been addressed so I won't repeat. once you cut the knews, and the knows it's be all gravy. I don't mind the Taylor Swift reference. I know people say stuff about dating, but never have I been put off from a book because of a reference that was dated. It's like a window into a world I may not know, and gives me something to look into later on. More often than not I'm trying to escape, so if its because of purple coated pixies or a pop song from the 90's I'm not scurred. but then again maybe that's just me ;)
The one sentence that seemed out of place was the: my eyes stung so I closed them. I dunno why, and I can't offer you a better way to describe missing a sibling and tearing up, but I wanted more emotion from that
the way you describe Henry is so vivid. you capture it well.
It's hard for me to be subjective cause I know who "They" are and Ari's situation so when I read sentences like: They'll be ok without me, I get it and it makes sense. But to someone without that info, perhaps a little more of a hint might be needed? dunno. It keeps up the suspense so...
can't wait to read your revision, always love reading your bits and pieces. It's such an original idea and the story just flows beautifully.
Cass :)
Hi Sheena, this is Jen, entry #9.
ReplyDeletePitch: I’m not clear what you mean by “last great wish”. And I would consider rewording the next line to “Blake needs a miracle to save his mother”. In the last line, I would put “Sarah” instead of “her” just so there’s no chance of confusing that with his mother. And I’m not clear why losing his heart (presumably to Sarah) might be an issue?
First 500:
So first off, I’m not totally clear on the setting. When you mentioned “bus driver” I assumed they were on the bus, but then when you talked about a counter I got confused. I would also clarify if the mannequin turned to look at your protag (if yes, so creepy and awesome!)
You have some issues with tense. For the most part it’s in past, but occasionally you slip into present. Something to look out for.
I also feel like you don’t have a whole lot going on in the first part of this. We don’t really need quite so much detail of things like the young family a row over looking at your protag. And while I’m definitely interested in the fact that she’s sort of a member of a cult, I’m not sure I believe a total stranger has guessed this about her just by looking at what she’s wearing/her hair.
I love the bit about Henry, especially the lines “I knew they would send him. Henry was my prison walls”!
I’m not clear why Henry calls her “Ari”? I thought her name was Sarah. Maybe just address it in the text, that he’s using a nickname, or something.
If you can condense the beginning section and get to Henry showing up sooner, I think this will be really strong!