Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
35
word pitch: 15-year-old Claire must choose whether to follow her
calling as oracle and lose her freedom, or betray her psychic family's
beliefs by letting an impostor take her place. Percy Jackson meets
That’s So Raven.
First 500 words:
It’s Friday night. I’m thinking about my destiny and watching a beautiful boy play guitar.
The coffee shop is nearly empty. Half a mile from school, it’s usually filled with kids, but they clear out on a Friday
and on Open Mic night you might as well let a skunk loose in the
restroom—that’s how empty it gets. Which is fine with me, the emptier
the better. I can almost pretend it’s just him and me.
The
boy’s name is Gareth Davies, and his grade in speech class is three
points ahead of mine, but I’m going to catch up. I’ll practice,
practice, practice, until my knees don’t shake and my voice doesn’t
waver when I spit out those facts and figures I’ve worked so hard to
research, and my team is going to beat his in our final debate. He’ll be
so impressed with how soundly we’ve defeated him, he’s going to ask me
to every dance we have left in high school, and we’re sophomores, so
it’s kind of a lot. And then—
I
don’t know what happens then. I don't know if any of that is going to
happen. This is a daydream, nothing more. Hardly prophetic, though in my
family, you can never be sure.
“Earth to Claire. Come in, Claire.”
Fingers snap in front of my face, and I shrink back so fast I nearly fall out of my seat.
My best friend Danica peers at me, hovering so close I could practically taste her lemon tea with honey. Gold
eyeshadow glints against her dark brown skin, and her strappy top falls
in creamy folds past her hips. From the waist up, she looks like the
statue of an ancient queen. From the waist down, it's tennis shoes and
jeans. “You gotta focus,
babe, you’re on soon. There are like eight people waiting to hear your
poem and six of them are actually awake.”
“Eight people?” I repeat, wondering if that includes Gareth, and whether I want it to.
“Two more than last time.” She takes a breath. “And you know how you could have got two more—”
“No.” I don't like where this is going. “I don't want my aunts here.”
“Come
on, Claire Bear. Your aunts have never seen my Lady Macbeth.” Danica
straightens the wire circlet crowning her short dark curls. “And you
know they don't want to miss that.”
“They can watch the play with everyone else. Aunt Hope can’t wait.”
Danica beams at the praise, secondhand though it is. “Still, if they were here—”
“Dani, stop.” I
push up my glasses, bite down on my lips a moment. “I need this to be
just a Claire thing, okay? My aunts are up in my business enough as it
is. They’re all but inside my head.”
Danica’s eyes capture mine. “But they aren't. Inside your head. You’ve made that very clear.”
Thank the gods they’re not, but they could be. That’s the thing.
Hi Kimberly -
ReplyDeleteI was definitely hooked immediately. Nicely done! I love the MC's voice. Just a few comments:
PITCH:
The pitch is descriptive but seems a little impersonal. ?
SAMPLE:
Love these thoughts but might punctuate differently:
"Half a mile from school, it’s usually filled with kids, but they clear out on a Friday and on Open Mic night? You might as well let a skunk loose in the locker room—that’s how empty it gets."
becomes
"Half a mile from school, it’s usually filled with kids, but they clear out on Friday. And on Open Mic night? You might as well let a skunk loose in the restroom—that’s how empty it gets." (I didn't really get the locker room reference since she's at the coffee shop?)
"I have no other talent."
This would be a great place to slip in the fantasy element "stakes" in the first 500 words- e.g.
"I have no other talent. Well, except for predicting the future. But I'm not allowed to tell anyone, so how am I supposed to impress the lovely Gareth with that?"
Maybe too many "hers" in this sentence:
"Her gold eyeshadow glints against her dark brown skin, her lips are gilded, too, and her strappy top falls in creamy folds past her hips."
how about
"Gold eyeshadow glints against her dark brown skin. Her lips are gilded, too, and a strappy top falls in creamy folds past her hips."
This line threw me: "Aunt Hope is especially looking forward to it.” It doesn't sound like something a teenager would say. How about "Aunt Hope can't wait."
I would definitely read on if there were more here!
Hi Kimberly,
ReplyDeletePitch: The Pitch is a little confusing with respect to stakes and consequences, but sometimes that happens in 35 words. I think I can imagine how she might lose her freedom is she were to become an oracle, but I don't understand the letting an imposter taker her place.
500 Words:
Very nice! I don't have much to say, as your set up and dialogue is really engaging. I stumble over the third sentence in the first paragraph (starting with, "half a mile from school...") and I think would read better in shorter sentences so the question is a standalone and not in the middle of a sentence. The 4th paragraph, while I like the description of the boy, I find some of the language kind of filter or telling (I like, I think about, I am tempted to, etc.). You could add more to the setting to really bring us in, smells of the coffee shop, a vision of a half-drunk cappuccino in front of her, etc.)
Great job overall! I would definitely read on, seems like a fun story.
Julie (#3)
Hi Kimberly!
ReplyDeletePITCH:
I love your comp titles! Sometimes 35 words can be a bit short for comps, but I think yours help to give a deeper idea of what your story will be like. The only part I think could use some improvement is the establishment of the conflict/stakes, i.e. "must decide". Deciding is a fairly passive action, so for me it dulls down what seems like an interesting predicament. Is there a way you can phrase this that makes Claire's journey seem more active?
e.g. If teenage oracle Claire doesn't follow her calling, an imposter will seize her role. But can she really stay loyal to her psychic family's beliefs when that means losing her freedom? Percy Jackson meets That’s So Raven.
That's a few words too long, but I think phrasing along those lines could really bring your pitch to life. Also, on that note, I think it would be great to get Claire's name into the pitch if possible. Especially when coupled with her strong voice in your first 500 words, I think it could help form an instant attachment to the character.
FIRST 500:
Your first 500 words do a great job at building up a picture of Claire (in fact, all the characters mentioned) in my mind. I definitely get a good picture of the setting as well, but I'd love to immerse myself in it more. I think a few more quick mentions woven in wouldn't go amiss. e.g. "My best friend Danica peers at me, hovering so close I can almost taste the coffee she's holding." Or maybe a retort from Claire about how the only reason 6 people are awake to hear her poem is because of the strong smell of coffee in the air.
I agree with Keli's comments about slipping in Claire's psychic ability after she says she has no talent, assuming she's aware of it at this point. If she doesn't yet know she's a psychic, I'd put in something after 'this is a daydream, nothing more', e.g. 'It's not like I can see the future'. Just to bring in an element of the main conflict ASAP.
I also agree with Julie's comment about filtering. I really like Claire's daydream paragraph because it gets me straight into her thoughts. It would be great if you could bring that deep POV to the paragraph about sketching Gareth.
On that subject, my last comment is that I'd love to get into the action just a little earlier. I think if you could move the part that starts with "Gareth strums and he sings" and ends with "I have no other talent" to a slightly later position, it would pull the reader into the core of the actual story quicker. As it stands now, you might have readers who think that multiple paragraphs in a row talking about Gareth means this is going to be a standard love story without all the cool oracle stuff. I think bringing it in a little later could also reinforce Claire's infatuation/crush, i.e. even when she's supposed to be focusing on something else she's still thinking about him. Perhaps you could work it in after "two more than last time", with Danica's additional comment also serving as her trying to get Claire's mind back on their conversation.
All in all, I really love this story already and that's the most important thing! My suggestions are really just small notes from a reader's perspective :)
Claire,
ReplyDeleteI like this story! I felt like I could understand the MC goals from the pitch. I thought the beginning in the coffee shop with the tidbits about the kids at school fleeing from open mic night with the skunk set up. When the MC talks about the boy asking her to all the dances etc. it sounds (to me) like a stretch for a teenager. Unless she's just an extremely confident person. But I would think she would have some doubts intermingled in her thoughts too. You have separated the characters well though. Especially the main character. I can picture her just from her voice. So you've done that very well. As others have said I would love to see a touch of what's to come from the beginning by adding the oracle stuff. :)
Hello! Thank you for entering #YayYA! Remember to take my advice with a grain of salt since this is your baby and you know it better than I do!
ReplyDeletePitch: Killer comps. They'll definitely grab attention. If there's anyway you can amplify stakes in this, that'd help, but part of me is wondering if this story is actually magical realism? Maybe do some research on that.
For your first five hundred, it intrigues me because it reminds me of Blue's family in Raven Boys, but if Raven Boys was just about them. I think that's really awesome and you might be able to capitalize on that a little bit. Your description is nice and evocative, and your characters are relatable. My biggest criticism is that your main character is little more than a talking head in this scene. We get some of her thoughts (YAY!) but she doesn't even seem to move. Maybe just even have her squirm a little, since she's already nervous. Also maybe cut some filtering. Otherwise it looks like you have a really amazing story set up here.
Hi Kim!
ReplyDeletePitch:
Your pitch starts great and immediately moved into stakes! I think you could be a bit more specific, though (if you can fit it into 35 words…). What sort of freedom will she be losing? Is it literal or more of the calling the traps her into her role? Also, the last bit about the imposter threw me. I’m guessing the imposter would take her place in the loss of freedom, but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing for her since she doesn’t want to be trapped anyway. Is there a way to clarify that a little more?
Words:
I love that she’s crushin’ on this boy, and you do a great job of describing him. The description of the friend may be too much right at the beginning, though. Maybe sift some of that in as we get to know her.
I’m going to back up Keli’s ideas about the sprinkling in the stakes and punctuation adjustments. I feel like if she comes from a family of psychics, she knows she has this power already. By not mentioning it, is this her way of rejecting it? If so, maybe you could set that up with internal dialogue. It could be intriguing for her to have a vision of the debate and then talk herself into thinking it was a daydream. That would set up her stakes, too. Show the reader who she is and who she wants to be. I don’t know…you obviously know your story better.
Thanks for letting me read your words! Sounds like a fun story.
Hi Kimberly,
ReplyDeleteOooooo!Loved the voice in your pages. Thank you for sharing.
Pitch: This is a good pitch, but I think you can be more specific in the things her MC must decide and perhaps choose one or the other.
500 word: As I said earlier the voice in this story is awesome. Overall everything works. My only suggestion might be to add something about her emotional state. For example, when she comes out of her daydream she's very matter of fact, but what's happening in her body? Was her head titled to the side? Did a little drool escape, making her embarrassed? The same goes for when her friend says she's on soon. What's her reaction to that?
Anyway, a really great start and looking forward to reading more.
Hi Kimberly!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat pitch!!
Good first two lines too, but I think they can easily be consumed into one. But this line: "Half a mile from school, it’s usually filled with kids, but they clear out on a Friday and on Open Mic night?" feels incomplete.
"He’ll be so impressed with how soundly we’ve defeated him, he’s going to ask me to every dance we have left in high school, and we’re sophomores, so it’s kind of a lot." this line is hilarious!!!!!! so is "There are like eight people waiting to hear your poem and six of them are actually awake.”
You have a good opening, but your character isn't really doing anything right now. Maybe have her getting ready to go on after her friend wakes her up from her daze. Also, there's a bit more color descriptions than anything else. We don't exactly need the color of everything everyone is wearing or their hair. It can happen throughout the scene instead of just all at once in the opening, but that could just be me.
I hope this helps! :D
Bethany
Hi Kim!
ReplyDeleteI love the premise of this and I think this has great potential! I agree with others that including your MC’s name, POV, would be more personal for the pitch. I had a thought (might not be right, just thinking…) Since you are at your word limit for some pitch contests, do you really need the imposter part? (maybe you do!) Or is it enough “stakes” that she’s losing her freedom? If you remove that phrase, you would have space to indicate more specifically what’s at stake if she doesn’t follow her calling (is it bigger than disappointing her family, for example?). Also, losing her freedom might be the best wording, but you could also consider the most immediate aspect of that: losing the boy she loves (my assumptions are showing here). I also like Aria’s pitch idea.
500 WORDS
I love your opening line. I’m in, instantly. Agree with others about awkward phrasing of the next paragraph, though, but Keli’s suggestion seems to clear it up.
I love this too: “I can almost pretend it’s just him and me.”
I like the Gareth paragraph and the voice there.
My suggestion after that is to just have, I don’t know what happens then” - and leave it at that. I don’t think the next two lines add anything.
However some others have suggested adding a line about her psychic abilities or some mention to hint at the overall theme of your book, which could be the right direction. Something to play with! (As Deborah mentioned, if her family has psychic abilities, maybe Claire intentionally resists this? You could reveal a hint of where she’s at with knowing the future. Just a thought!)
Love the next paragraph as is, and the line about no other talent. Great!
Obviously I don’t know where you’re going with the conversation about her aunts since you had to cut it mid-stream. If you’re going to give some important info here, maybe you need it. But to me it slows down the action. I’d rather see her move right into having to get up and take her turn. I can see that there’s tension in Claire about her aunts that you are establishing, but maybe you could make this section more economical?
It wouldn’t stop me from reading, however. In this page you’ve made me like Claire and want to know more! Good job!
Maria (#1) @MariaCMcDaniel
Pitch:
ReplyDeleteChoices seem pretty clear but you make it mysterious enough that it makes me wonder why she will lose her freedom and why would an imposter take her place. So you already have me mildly hooked to answer those questions. A minor suggestion: To help with flow, instead of “must decide:” possibly try “has two choices:”. The use of the colon kind of threw me off mid-sentence like that.
500 words:
“they clear out on a Friday and on Open Mic night?” This question mark caused me a bit of confusion. I feel like it is stronger to make a statement instead of a question. The question mark made me wonder if they really DO clear out at these times? I had to re-read the paragraph to make sure I understood what you were trying to say. (very minor issue)
“The boy’s name is Gareth Davies,” Seems a bit TOO direct. Maybe make this introduction of him more dreamy or fantasizing, like she just can’t stop thinking about him since you allude to that a few lines later. It just sounds a little off with “the boy’s name” part. Something even like, “Gareth. Davies.” and then go into the other information you have given. I think the reader will figure out this is the boy your MC is crushing on.
“From the waist up, she looks like the statue of an ancient queen. From the waist down, it's tennis shoes and jeans.” I like this description for some reason. It paints a very clear picture of the two sides of this character. She seems pretty fun and my kinda girl :)
Overall I like your set up to the story and I think you’re headed in the right direction. A few sentences get a little long at times. Think of possibly breaking them or just adjusting where you use a period vs. a comma. I’m definitely curious to see what happens with Claire.
Jackie (#5)
Hey, Kim. Since I've already read your query and know maybe teensy bit more than others, maybe I can help other ways. I'm not at all good in line critiquing and so I'm gonna critique the contents.
ReplyDeletePitch:
Superb pitch. Superb comp. You really made good use of every one of those 35 words. So no questions here.
500 words:
I know about Claire's dilemma and it sucks. But since her psychic ability will play a major role in the book, try squishing it in here. Like when she says she has no talent, maybe at the back of her mind, she remembers her psychic ability (which you may try to mention in the pitch for clarification). Then she shoves it aside to focus on her crush and the task ahead.
I feel like the paragraphs are in a wrong order. Like she starts out thinking about her crush, then jumps to thinking about the empty place. Then she jumps to her crush before hopping onto the debate team and all that. Then she jumps back to her crush. This head hopping thoughts are a bit dizzying. Try having her think about her crush for a paragraph, then switch to the debate team, then her lack of ability, then to her secret psychic ability, before Danica comes along and reminds her about the empty place and how her aunts could come along.
Otherwise, sounds like a super fun fantasy with nice stakes.
Best of luck with PitchWars <3