Name: Mads Bertasio (@madsbertasio)
Genre: Diverse YA Fantasy
Title: Duodecim
35 Word Pitch: Blake finds out he’s prophesied to fight immortal, genocidal Elites. His premonitions foresee him becoming their puppet and ultimate weapon for a second genocide, but running and hiding spells certain death for his newfound friends.
First 500:
Blake crept across the creaking floorboards. His mother would’ve hated to see what her perfect home had become since she and his father disappeared. Good--after all, the house wasn’t all that they had abandoned. He flicked a finger out, pushing a vase from its pedestal, not looking back as it shattered.
He was poised for this final act of defiance. After more attempts than he could count over the two years they’d been gone, he finally stood in front of the place they'd forbidden him his entire childhood. He hoped to find answers behind those doors, but even if the police cleared it out, he wanted to see; wanted to stand in the room and strike a last blow against their neglect.
After all of this time, the leaden knot still sat in his gut at breaking the rules. He drew closer; the air charged with electricity. He was like a little kid getting caught playing tricks on the maid. This was a close as he’d gotten. Whether it be Charlie catching him, or his own nerves, he never made it all the way to the doors of his parents’ quarters before. After this, he could move on from that part of his life--put it behind him once and for all. People would still whisper to each other when he passed, eyes drawn with pity, but at least he could move on. Maybe nothing important was in there, but it's where they were taken from, and the only part of this old mansion he never explored. There would be nothing new to discover after this, and that had to be for the best. They were gone and he needed to move on.
Holding his breath, he reached out to touch the doorknob, jerking back as a shock jolted through his hand. It hurt more than simple static, like a warning. Maybe he should stop here--be proud he made it this far and come back next week, but… Blake punched at the door. No, he was too close to give up again. Blake reached out with both hands, tapping the knobs to test that he wouldn’t get shocked again before taking hold. He could do this. Three…two...one—
A creak sounded behind Blake, setting his teeth on edge. Logic told him it was just Charlie. The officer had been busting Blake for breaking into the old Clive mansion since the very first time he tried, but it wasn’t like him to be so quiet, and he certainly wasn’t built for stealth. Maybe it was the creeping foreboding in the place making him mistake every creak and groan for someone following him. Or, he was looking for a reason to back out. He could just look behind him and prove there was nothing to worry about—that there weren’t eyes staring hard into the back of his head like a looming threat—but, somehow, not knowing seemed safer. Closing his eyes, he pressed his forehead to the cool wooden doors. Just turn and push.
You can trim a lot of the third sentence in the first paragraph since most of it can be added into the one before it. (We already know they disappeared, so you can move the year there)
ReplyDeleteAlso, what had the house become? There's nothing on what it had been like before, or what it looked like now? Does someone new live there? Is that why Blake is sneaking in?
Hi. This seems like a good tense situation to start your book, and I get a good sense of the backstory--abandoned by strict parents, and seeking forbidding information. I think you can tighten up a lot, there's a lot of "stage direction" (running fingers through hair, stomach twisted,curling lip, outspread arms). Focus on the unique emotions and observations that will give us insight into Blake's character.
ReplyDelete"After more attempts than he could count, he finally. . . " Makes it seem like something is different this time, but then later it seems like the cop is "always catching him" and Blake says "every time." That left me a little confused. If there's something NEW about this attempt, let us know what's different this time. Because if he just thinks he's going to get away with something he's gotten caught at many times before, it doesn't make him seem too bright.
I like the familiarity of the relationship between Blake and the cop. It makes me want to read more, find out how they know each other and seem friendly, in spite of Blake's trespassing.
Hi Mads!!
ReplyDeleteFor the pitch, good stakes, the only thing is that there are few other YA's out there with "Elites" that are kinda popular, so you might want to change that to help things stick out, or even maybe just save the name for the query. This kinda reminds me of a backwards Ender's Game and has me hooked though!
You tell us he's going somewhere he's never been, but we don't even really know where in the house this is, except upstairs. Maybe hint a reason why his parents didn't want him going in or whatever they claimed whenever he tried or asked to ground us in his defiance more.
Also, the static only happening the first time feels a little odd. Maybe have him just tolerate it and it stops then he starts to turn the knob...
This is where I got a little thrown off, it sounded like he was in a house, then Charlie says its time to take Blake home, which then throws my image of the scene outside somewhere, but with no idea how to picture what's around him. I think you should build a little description of the surroundings besides squeaky floors, even just a hint about the lighting or air or shadows or something to help the reader's image of your London here so we know if its past, present, or future. What makes this setting different to draw us into your world? Or is it normal, besides this place Blake is trying to get into?
You mention "at least he wasn't alone right now" as if Blake has a fear of being by himself, except that's what he's trying to do by sneaking into this place his parents forbid. You can either use that as stakes, he's forcing his courage despite being alone to find this secret, or maybe clarify why he doesn't want to be alone but is.
I hope this helps! I like the pacing and voice, there's just a few areas that make it hard to picture things, but those are pretty easy fixes :D
Bethany
Hi Mads!
ReplyDeleteOoh, your pitch is intriguing! Definitely has stakes. I’m wondering if he is part of the Elites, since they are genocidal, or if he is mortal. I’m not sure it matters to say in the pitch, but just in case you want to communicate that, I thought I’d mention it.
Maybe this is just me, but I’m not sure about the 3rd person and then calling the parents Mother and Father. Those names feel more 1st person to me. I’m certainly no expert in 3rd person, though, so I could be way off.
You do a great job of communicating his dread and anticipation leading up to going into the room. You may want to consider doing a word search for “was” and “that.” You have some great emotion that’s getting sidelined by passive voice. It’s a bugger, I know! My students swear by the Hemingway app/website. I use Autocrit, and those programs are merciless when it comes to showing passive voice!
I do like the tension the missing mom and dad offer. Could you maybe offer an insight into where he lives now? I know it’s early on, and you probably do in the first chapter, but the idea makes me curious.
35 words: Hmm, this might be partly a personal thing, but I'm not fond of pitches with a rhetorical dilemma. The MC obviously won't run away or you have no story. I'd rather get more details on the risk of him becoming his enemy's weapon, which was intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of "he hoped" "he felt" etc. in your 500 words. You could turn some of these into italicized thoughts instead, to get us more in the MC's head. Ditto on cutting passive voice.
I enjoyed the dialogue with Charlie--it was cute and funny. That's definitely the part where I became fully drawn into the world. Overall, I think you began your story in a good place, with tension and mystery.
Mads,
ReplyDeleteThe pitch is good and the stakes are clear. I wondered though why it would be better for him to leave his friends to certain death? I dunno. That was the thought that came to me.
In your 500 words, I love how I really got what your MC was feeling. I really liked the line, "Good--after all, the house wasn’t all that they had abandoned when they went and vanished two years ago."
With getting into the room, I wondered why there had been so many prior attempts that failed? If he knew this then, why not alter the next attempt to get into the room quicker? I understand that you probably have reasons for him not getting into the room right now, but the impression I got was that he just keeps attempting the same thing the same way.
I enjoyed the introduction of the police officer. The familiarity they have with each other even though Charlie is keeping Blake from getting into the room feels like an odd comfort. It works.
I think you did a great job establishing the feeling of the setting and the MC's mindset. I am interested in what happened to the parents. I would definitely read more to find out what will happen to Blake.
Good there! I’m jumping in. I’ll make lots of suggestions – use what you like or none at all! I also like giving examples. Sometimes they help…
ReplyDeleteThis is reply PART ONE, because I exceeded the max allowable # characters.
Your Pitch:
“Elites” makes me think of “ExtraOrdinaries” in VE Schwab’s Vicious novel, but you’ve peeked my curiosity to see how they are different. To save words, I’d say “learns” instead of “finds out,” but that is a tiny little thing. Otherwise, I wouldn’t change anything about your pitch. It’s compelling!
Your First 500:
Good action-y first line. But with the second line I’m confused with the POV. Opening line is third person, second line sounds like first person? Not sure, so I’ll keep reading.
Second and third lines are backstory and repetitive – in the 2nd sentence you tell us they both disappeared. In the 3rd sentence you tell us they both disappeared, two years ago. I don’t think we want to start with backstory, or leaping directly into the past perfect tense (all the “had’s” indicate past perfect). Start in scene with Blake creeping across the floorboards and his next action…
This sentence: “Now, he was poised for this final act of defiance.” Puts us in present tense with the word “now.” So I’m struggling with POV and tense. Content-wise, I like that he’s defiant.
“Finally” is one of those words we should avoid in debut MS’s, like “very” and “really.” Recommend you remove it.
“…but even if the police had cleared it out,” sounds unpolished due to using “but” and “even.” Can you reword? Maybe something tighter and with more specificity, like: Answers lay behind the library doors. Even if the police had cleared all the evidence, Blake needed to see for himself.”
Some filtering words here with “he felt”. Suggest something like: After all this time, his stomach still knotted with anxiety when he broke the rules. Just an idea. Things like “after all this time” and “as he drew closer” pull me out of the scene because they feel like filler. I think you can tighten up a lot by removing some of these.
Awkward wording and passive voice: “the air was charged with electricity, and thick with humidity he hadn’t noticed before now.” Try: Electricity charged the air, which was thick and humid.
I really like this: “He was like a little kid again, getting caught playing tricks on the maid.” Because it shows me he is wealthy without telling me.
More suggested tighter phrasing: He held his breath as he reached for the doorknob, but jolted from the static shocking his fingers.
I think after an electric shock, a typical reaction might be to draw away, make a fist, shake your hand as if trying to fling away the surprise of the shock, maybe bring your fingers to your mouth…running fingers through the hair isn’t something I picture. Would suggest you find an alternative physical reaction.
Here's PART TWO:
ReplyDeleteYou don’t need to say “out” here: “Blake reached out with both hands.” Just say Blake reached with both hands. Many folks insert words like “out” and “up” in places where they are not needed. Just like “stood up.” “She stood up” is repetitive. “Stood” is the action…so, “She stood” is all that is needed. This sentence could be tightened up, too.
Excellent voice here! “Why am I always catchin’ you in places you shouldn’t be?” drawled a voice behind him.
This is a lot of physical description. Suggest you pick one reaction at a time: Blake froze as his heart stuttered, shoulders tense where his shirt stuck to them.
I can really hear the voice in this bit as well. Very nice! “Clearing his throat, he pushed back and turned, hiding his frustration with an open stance and outspread arms. “Charlie! Funny running into you here. Strangest thing. I was on a walk, and I got lost.””
Again, a little too much physical description here: “the police officer huffed, though the corner of his lip curled up a little bit.” It slows your pace and takes away from the tension in the scene.
You can delete “back” in this sentence: “…one more time before following Charlie downstairs.”
Add a space between rain and were: “The puddles from that day’s rain were shimmering.” Puddles are shimmering, and illuminating the streets? I have a hard time picturing this. Is there moonlight? Does the moonlight reflected in the puddles give the streets an otherworldly shimmer? Also, try to stay away from passive voice.
Clichéd and comes across as filler: “Truth be told”
Also sounds like filler “It wasn’t as though…” Just say, “He wasn’t afraid of the dark, but…”
Not sure if you want to end a sentence with a preposition in your opening page: “…his mind running down rabbit trails that he didn’t want to reach the end of.” Can you try to reword?
Things like too much of this: “Blake offered a cheeky smile and a wink, the officer raised an eyebrow and offered a stern look”…really slowing down your pace. Tighten up some of this and the flow will improve!
Thanks so much, I hope this helps!
Danielle
I like the premise and this passage has strong voice. I agree with others that you can tighten this up a bit by trimming filter words and sneaky "that"s and such (I did this and cut thousands of words from my MS- a bit embarrassing to admit but it really helped streamline the prose!)
ReplyDeleteThere are a few places where you tell us how the MC feels or what he's trying to accomplish, and then show us. Most of the time you'll be better off just showing us. The main one that comes to mind is:
" Clearing his throat, he pushed back and turned, hiding his frustration with an open stance and outspread arms."
I think you're good to just say "Clearing his throat, he pushed back and turned with a smile, spreading his arms." etc. or something like that. We've been watching him try to accomplish a long held goal and get interrupted, so we know he must be frustrated. Trust the reader to put the pieces together without telling us, know what I mean?
I like that you establish immediately that these two characters have a history. I'm intrigued by what he is expecting to find/do in his parents' abandoned house. I think you have a strong start here- just tighten it up a bit to keep the momentum moving forward.
-Emily #15
Hi Mads!
ReplyDeletePitch: With respect to structure your pitch seems textbook-perfect, so good job there! I do worry whether the premise might be too similar to other concepts, particular with the mention of the "Elites" and a prophecy. I'm curious to know what Blake possesses that would render him a weapon? Perhaps that would make the pitch more unique as opposed to mentioning a prophecy?
500 words:
I feel like we're missing a lot of sensory details and lack of explanation that help to ground readers in the scene.
Example: "Blake crept across the creaking floorboards. Mother would’ve hated to see what her house had become since she and Father disappeared. Good--after all, the house wasn’t all that they had abandoned when they went and vanished two years ago." <-- so we know the floorboards creak, which could mean a number of things but doesn't necessarily imply the house is in bad shape. The comment about mother hating what the house had become implies maybe it was trashed or dilapidated or something, but we don't know what and are forced to guess. The last sentence, I don't think I understand at all what "the house wasn't all that they had abandoned." Plus, it is fairly repetitive as others have mentioned.
"After more attempts than he could count, he finally stood in front of the place they'd forbidden him his entire childhood." <-- We find out later the more attempts than are countable is from his continual trespassing into his childhood home. At this point in time, it conjures an image in my head of something in the house at that moment preventing him from getting to where he wants to go. Also, when you talk about "stood in front of the place," it would help to be more direct. It's a room or closet or doors leading to somewhere he wasn't allowed to enter, right? When you use more nebulous words like place I start to become unsure of where he is in the story.
You mention the air was charged with electricity which I thought was a metaphor for anticipation, but when the static shock gets him when he touches the door, it makes me wonder if something else is going on. Show us the electricity in the room, if that's what really is happening. A tingling in the air, his hair floating up, etc. Also, what was causing the humidity in the room? How can you show us this without telling us?
How did the police officer sneak up on him if the floorboards were creaky? Something to consider, and if the MC is so wrapped up in his moment, then show us this.
You've offered us some good mysteries to start! I'm definitely curious about what is going on. And if you tighten up the language(as others have suggested above), there's a lot more room in the first 500 words to give us even more details to hook us in.
I hope this helps some!
Julie (#3)
This opening has so much building tension! And the moment when Charlie stops Blake is nicely timed. Blake's demeanor with Charlie also tells us a lot about his character, especially since his words are so obviously an act he's putting on. Nice work!
ReplyDelete-Katherine (#17)