Name: JL Bartley
Twitter: @TheJLBartley
Genre: YA Contemporary
Title: I'm Sorry for Doing Nothing
Revised Pitch:
Finn seeks revenge on classmates,
but that changes when his crush is locked in the same room during a school
shooting he created. He must lay low to survive or out himself to save her.
Revised 500 words:
The hallway is
silent and empty. Eerily so. I had prepared myself for noise and chaos. Running
and screaming. Not this. I take a deep breath to calm myself down, my head
swiveling in all directions looking for what, I wasn’t sure of. Maybe for
someone to ask what I’m doing standing in the middle of the hallway when I
should be anywhere else but here. Maybe waiting for someone to realize what I
am about to do, what is about to happen, and stop it so that I don’t have to…because
I don’t think I can at this point.
I stare down at
my shoes slightly bouncing back and forth on the balls of my feet, wringing my
hands, and contemplating all that we have planned and how I landed myself in
this position. I shudder and try to shake off this feeling of doubt, of dread. It
should be starting any minute. When we discussed it this morning, no one told
me it’d be so quiet. What is taking so
long? As I’m about to back out of this and try and call it off, a scared
freshman rounds the corner. A few others scramble behind him. It’s too late to
stop this now.
I’m supposed to be
firing my gun, to be shooting my classmates, but I’m frozen in the middle of
this once empty hallway. A wave of kids run towards me almost knocking me to
the ground. I regain my balance and slowly reach my hand behind me and into my
waistband. My fingers wrap around the handle, my index finger resting on the
trigger.
My dulled senses
begin to thaw and return to me one at a time. First my vision comes back into focus.
What was once blurred bodies is now terrified classmates, faces stained with
fear. Somewhat organized chaos surrounds me. A lot of movement but not as much
pushing and shoving as I had expected. Students help others who have fallen.
It’s not a “fend for yourself” situation like I assumed it would be. My
classmates were selfish and uncaring. Surely they wouldn’t be helping each
other survive.
Next to return is
my hearing. The gunshots that were once a distant muffled sound are now at full
volume and getting closer. I have snapped out of my trance. “Finn, man run!”
someone shouts as he rushes past me. No one is scared of me. No one is running
away from me. But I guess why would they be? I am not a threat, or at least not
a threat they are aware of.
Finally, my
ability to move returns. As I grip the handle of the gun again and begin to tug
it from my waistband, a kid knocks to the ground. My mind panics. I’ve already
been taken out before I have even gotten one shot off. This is not how this is
supposed to go.
“Get up man, we
gotta go! Get up,” and a sophomore I shared gym class with pulls me up from the
ground. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He doesn’t know he shouldn’t be
helping me. Helping me is hurting him…in
the long run. A sea of students jostles and pushes me down the hallway making
me almost forget what my role is in all of this. I turn into a regular scared
student, not the intimidating wielder of revenge I am supposed to be. As I’m shoved down the hall in this mass of panicked
students, everything seems so surreal.
 |
Hi JL!
ReplyDeletePITCH:
This pitch gives me a really strong image of the conflict right away. And I love how the emotional conflict, though not stated outright, is evident. I think that first sentence could flow a little smoother. e.g "Finn wanted revenge, but that changes when he's locked in the same room as his crush during a school shooting he created." Maybe if you could tighten it up even further, you could squeeze something in about the implications of outing himself to really show the stakes. Though, I wouldn't say that's 100% necessary because the implications can easily be imagined. But other than that, I'd say this is a concept that definitely made me want to get into your story!
FIRST 500:
I'm the kind of reader who loves being pulled into action and conflict of some kind as soon as possible, so I really like this opening!
Two main things stood out to me.
The first is that I'd use even more contractions. In my experience, kids of that age rarely say "I am", "I have" etc in favour of "I'm", "I've". I think more contractions would be an easy way add to Finn's voice.
The second is that I'd really like to get deeper into Finn's head. Right now, it reads like it would if Finn was narrating his actions out loud, but it would be even better if I could BE Finn in the moment. Especially given the nature of the conflict and how fast-paced it is. Filter words like 'I look' can slow down the tension. "I look up and see a scared freshman rounding the corner" could simply become "A scared freshman rounds the corner".
Another thing that would help me, as a reader, connect to Finn's experience is to show things more through Finn's lens rather than telling them. e.g. "First, my vision. The chaos around me comes into focus, but it's not the 'fend for yourself' kind I'd expected. The same classmates who once [insert selfish/uncaring thing they did here] are helping up others who have fallen. Where's all the pushing and shoving? What happened to the students who [insert disorganised thing they did here]?" Something like that really helps to put yourself in Finn's shoes. And, I expect that in a story about a character who has made a really bad decision, it's crucial that readers can relate to the MC.
Overall, your story sounds really interesting and I love that the internal and external conflicts are clear from page 1 :)
Hi JL!!!
ReplyDeleteLOVE your pitch! It would just be nice to know what Finn wants revenge on and if he's not in the shooting, who has the gun?
Good opening lines too! But the two lines "It should be starting any minute. What is taking so long?" don't flow well next to each other. Maybe save it for a bit later.
The flow right now feels a little thick. I can't pin point why, but maybe try something more like this:
"I stare at my shoes contemplating what's supposed to happen and what I'm doing in this situation. As I prepare to about to back out and call it off, I l see a scared freshman rounding the corner with a few others scrambling after him.
It’s too late to stop it now.
I should be firing my gun, shooting my classmates, but I’m frozen."
Look for ways to combine a few sentences or cut down repetition of words. Supposed shows up a few times in the beginning.
Also, if he's just standing there, how come no one is doing anything about him? Or is he hiding? Show us where he is earlier on.
"I am not a threat or at least not a threat they are aware of." this line is GOOD.
I think the main thing is how you pace everything. Let it roll out instead of comparing it to what he everything pictured. Just have his confusion fill in some of those moments so its less telling and more showing.
We also don't know much about the character, so its hard to connect with him in a few areas because we don't know why he's planned this and what's holding him back besides the fact it wasn't what he pictured. You're close though. Maybe you're starting in the wrong place. Maybe you should put us a few steps back to when school starts that day and he's getting ready for the shooting, watching the other students and wondering about what chaos will break out and what they're going to regret doing to him. It won't add too much more, but I think it'll add more depth to the character in the opening to help enhance this scene.
Hope this helps! :D
Bethany
Hi there!
ReplyDeletePitch:
Wow. Love it! Great stakes! I’m wondering if there is a way to change “crush” to something that will make the love interest stand out more. (I use crush, too, and feel like it’s almost cliché. If you do find something better, let me know!) Everything else is awesome.
Words:
Your story starts right in the thick of things. Perfect! I love that he’s shocked into submission and slowly becomes aware of what’s happening. I think it might be more powerful if you put us in his realizations instead of his thoughts. For example, instead of saying it’s quiet, show us people moving without sound, garbage cans being kicked over with no echo… I think one of the reasons you repeat “silent” is you’re looking for that effect. If you imagine the scene through a camera lens and describe it that way, you’re story will be on fire!
The rest of what’s here reads sort of the same way in that there is a bit too much telling. Each paragraph begins with what feels like a topic sentence. I used to do that all the time. (Dang academic writing!) It’s the desire to tell the readers what they should expect. But if you trust your ability to put us in the moment, you won’t need those types of sentences. In fact, just removing those will make your writing more effective. You have an amazing idea and what could be a powerful experience for your readers!
I can’t wait to see where this story goes!
Hi JL -
ReplyDeleteVolatile concept here - will be a challenge to write such a touchy/hot topic sensitively. Very interesting.
PITCH:
I don't think HE should be capitalized. And could "he created" become "he helped plan"? (from the sample it sounds like he is one of several shooters). "He must" seems a little weak. Maybe make that last line a question? "Should he lay low to survive or out himself to save her?"
500 WORDS:
The first paragraph is a little long. Maybe break it up into two.
"When we discussed it this morning" doesn't sound like something a teenager would say.
"no one told me" instead of "no one ever told me".
Wouldn't he hear shots before he saw someone running around the corner? Seems like the sound of shots should signal the start of the shooting.
"a scared freshman" - show don't tell - maybe describe the look of horror on his face
"My mind panics." - maybe just "I panic."
Love the paragraph when he gets knocked down - some good imagery here.
"I can't believe this is actually happening today. It has been talked about so much in the news and people make so many plans." After the action packed preceding paragraph this seems too dull. Maybe pare down to just "I can't believe this is actually happening" and let the rest come out later?
Overall seriously interesting concept. I do worry about a school shooter being turned into a romantic main character in a YA novel - but you've probably thought about all the issues surrounding that plotline!
Good luck with PitchWars!
Keli (#8)
Hi JL,
ReplyDeletePitch: I think the pitch gets it! Couple of minor things, you need a comma here: Finn seeks revenge[,]. When you mention "lay low to survive," is that a reference to the other shooters coming after them? Or police, possibly? I think you could make it a bit more clear there.
500 words:
Wow, so this is such a difficult and challenging subject matter! Brava to you for tackling it, I think the twist you are taking with it is great.
My biggest struggle with the passage is how removed and detached Finn is in the situation. That makes sense for someone cold and sure of his decision. Finn is clearly not. He is unsure, disoriented, and doubting everything, in a panic mode that can detach a person from the environment. I think, in order to make him sympathetic to us as readers (which, we need that pretty quickly, in my opinion), you need to show him freaking out.
Even better, you need to punch us in the face with his pain. He must be a character in a ton of pain in order to consider this as his solution, right? We need to see that, without giving up too much in backstory in these first two pages. If you remember the show One Tree Hill, there's a season 3 episode called "With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept," which has a similar premise – a boy brings a gun to school and starts a riot and he hides with some of the other students while the school is on lockdown. The actor who played the shooter is excellent and really lets us in to his pain, especially at the end. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend catching it on Netflix.
Now, onto the technical and other stuff!
There are missing commas here:
I stare down at my shoes[,] contemplating the day
I am supposed to be shooting my classmates[,] but I’m frozen
Kids run into me[,] almost knocking me to the ground
I am not a threat[,] or at least not a threat they are aware of.
As I get pushed down the hall[,] everything seems so surreal.
Your use of colons works, I believe, but you don't need to capitalize the letter following the colon.
The snippets of dialogue generally need to be in the own paragraphs. I think having much shorter, fragmented paragraphs in general will help us to envision the panic.
Watch passive voice: I am knocked to the ground, is pulling me up from the ground, I am being jostled and pushed. Again, it just adds to the removed feeling when we need to be in the action.
Finally, some questions: Who is the "we" mentioned in the first paragraph? I'm curious who really was the instigator in this. When he falls, how do they not see his gun? How does no one notice after someone pulls him up?
Good luck! This seems like it could be amazingly powerful as it goes on!
Julie (#3)
Hi JL,
ReplyDeletePitch: This is a knock-your-booties-off premise. I believe you can tighten with the above comments. I also like your title.
500 words: You have taken an unusual step in your story with your chosen POV MC. I applaud you.
This is a chilling beginning to your story. Normally, I would like to see more emotional reactions from a POV character. But, your character, the way I'm reading it, is the antagonist (as is normally defined) but is also the hero of his own story, so I find his detached nature in observing what's going on very chilling. I don't believe he would he have the same reactions than I would normally expect. Whether he continues he's plan or not, I think this is an apropos beginning. As he changes so should his emotional reaction to the pain his plan and his participation in this aggressive act causes to others and himself.
Having said that, there are areas that can be tightened. Watch your repetition of words. Example in first paragraph, contemplating is repeated twice. Also, you already have several critiques with other technical issues to be addressed.
This is a great start to a powerful story. Thank you for sharing.
Elizabeth
Hello! Thank you so much for entering #YayYA!
ReplyDeletePitch: excellent. Clear stakes, new/mindblowing concept/perspective, etc. Good job.
First 500: WATCH FOR FILTERING. I recognize with a scene like this, it's hard to do. Also, more passive sentences, despite your character's passiveness, should be switched to more active. Instead of "I'm jostled," maybe change it to something that shows the people jostling him. Additionally, watch your word variety.
Some questions: do they not notice his gun? What causes him to snap out of this? I'd love to see a little bit more of an active switch from killer to confused.
Mild suggestion: maybe change your MC's name. I know that's difficult to do, but Finn is currently a very overused name in movies (Star Wars?) and YA. Unless you chose that deliberately, which is a whole 'nother story.
Otherwise, I don't have much to say. The concept is enough to carry the story. All that matters is that you have a good rest of the book to match what you've got here!
Hi JL,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story with us! It seems very powerful and timely, and you're taking an unusual perspective with it, which should really catch the readers' attention, I think.
35 word pitch: This was a very strong and promising pitch. I did wonder what Finn wanted revenge for. I know you have limited space, but what if you got rid of "he rethinks everything"? That wording seems a bit vague to me, especially when every word counts.
500 words: Wow. Very gripping start. I sense that you are trying to capture the kind of moment wherein time stands still, so Finn is noticing everything? It mostly works, although I would give him some movement to show his state of mind as well--fidgeting, feeling for the gun, pacing, etc. Also, I would move up this sentence: "When we discussed it this morning, no one ever told me it’d be so quiet" to right after "Not this." That way all the quiet can be put in one place.
Rather than saying ". I stare down at my shoes contemplating the day and what is supposed to happen," why not give us his thoughts directly. Even if you want to maintain a sense of mystery, you can use words like "our plan", maybe even mention who he made these plans with. You won't be telling the reader everything, but you will be giving them enough to get seriously concerned.
You lost me a little bit with the part about his senses returning. Since he just mentioned a kid he saw, I have a hard time thinking his sight just returned. You should describe his blurred vision and dissociation so it makes more sense.
I really like that his classmates surprise him with their concern for him and for each other. I am hoping that you will show us why this surprises him, i.e. if they have abused him before, or ignored him, etc. I think the contradiction between how he expects them to behave, based on past behavior, and how they do will make for very gripping reading.
Thank you again for sharing this excerpt with us. You have a very strong start to your story, the premise is amazing, and I think it will keep the readers reading. I know I'd like to.
Good luck!
Kimberly #4
Hi JL!
ReplyDeleteI love your premise - very intense, sensitive topic, and it’s well written.
You’ve already gotten great feedback to help you tighten and clarify the page.
Your pitch is pretty solid. Someone mentioned “crush” and I don’t know if it’s accurate to say he loves her or if it’s admiration - but you could consider this:
Finn seeks revenge, but when the girl he loves is trapped in a school shooting HE created, he rethinks everything. Will he hide what he’s done or out himself to save her?
I took out “the same room” - I don’t think you need that detail? and changed the last line to a question—may not improve things, just a personal preference!
500 words:
Great first page!
The feedback you’ve received about filter language is vital, I think, to help us connect more with your MC. This same mistake was pointed out on mine and I had to look it up. Here’s an example: https://writeitsideways.com/are-these-filter-words-weakening-your-fiction/
Sarah felt a sinking feeling as she realized she’d forgotten her purse back at the cafe across the street.
vs
Sarah’s stomach sank. Her purse—she’d forgotten it back at the cafe across the street.
The benefit of 1st person is being inside the head of your character, so I recommend combing through your MS and getting us as close to Finn as possible.
Great start and I wish you all the best with this project!
Maria (#1) @MariaCMcDaniel
Hi, there. Here's my critique. It's not very detailed as others. Hope it'll help.
ReplyDeletePitch:
I know 35 words aren't much to mush an entire novel but maybe you can do better. Try this:
During a school shooting Finn orchestrated for revenge, being locked in the same room as his crush leads him to choose: either lay low to survive or out himself to save her.
500 words:
Finn doesn't feel like a student out for revenge. From the pitch, it sounds like being locked in the same room as his crush is what changes his mind. Whenever a shooter burges into a premise with a gun, he either feels exhilarated or nervous. Finn seems super calm. I find that a bit odd.
The sentences seem a bit cluttered. Finn sounds like he's bored or has done this before. Whenever you touch a gun for the first time, you feel all sorts of things. Finn not feeling anything is a bit odd. And from the sound of it, it seems Finn isn't the only shooter. If he's out for revenge, was he humiliated with other shooters? We're two pages in and we've no clue or even a hint as to what led Finn to this. I'm not asking for back story. Just a hint, like maybe he was bullied in the gym? Colliding into the sophomore may evoke that memory. Or walking down the hallway may bring it out. Finn's reactions to all this sounds out of the place.
I'm not good at line editing and it seems others before me already gave you better suggestions.
Anyway, your story sounds gripping. Often in school shooting stories, especially in news, shooters aren't humanized and though I'm not saying we should, your story may bring out that part of Finn and those like him.
Best of luck for PitchWars <3