@averillelisa
Genre: YA Contemporary
Title: IT GIVES A LOVELY LIGHT
The pitch:
Adeline has been lying to her friends about her abusive
home. University means escape, but by severing the strings keeping her in her
suffocating small town, she risks losing everyone else in the process.
First 500 words:
It’s
June, so I shouldn’t be shivering after ducking out of the club. But it’s too
hot inside, with all my classmates crowding around to say goodbye like we won’t
be seeing each other all summer. I wrap my arms around myself to fend off the
early summer chill while enjoying the light breeze.
“Adeline?”
a voice calls out. It’s Nikki. Head cheerleader, president of student council
and everything else, she was the most popular girl in school, and my best
friend.
“Over
here,” I call out, not quite ready to surrender my solitude.
Her
tiny frame rounds the corner, dressed in a yellow sundress that highlights her
straight, auburn hair. She shuffles over to me. “What are you doing out here?
It’s freezing!”
“I
just needed some air,” I say, plastering on the persona I know she wants to
see. Happy Adeline. Cool Adeline. Completely Fake Adeline.
She
falls onto the wall beside me. “I can’t believe we’re done. Like, done done.
We never have to go back there again.”
I
smile at her excitement, but I hardly share it. High school gave me an excuse
to be out of the house all the time and away from Charlie, my older brother,
ruling the house now that Dad’s gone and my mother, who never fails to find a
fault in me, if she even remembers I’m there. Now, I have the entire summer in
that house ahead of me.
“Yeah,
it’s pretty crazy,” I say.
“C’mon,
Adeline,” Nikki says, her green eyes staring up at me in the dim light of the
parking lot. “This is what we’ve been working for all these years. Freedom!”
I
lean my head back against the wall. “Freedom,” I repeat. Nikki has no idea what
that word really means to me.
“This
summer is going to be amazing. Soon the whole gang will be together again!”
Nikki continues.
She’s
referring, of course, to Jake. He’s the only member of our inner circle who
isn’t going to be here tonight since he’s a year ahead of us and is still at
university taking extra credit courses. We haven’t seen each other since his
last break over two months ago and I’ve started to worry he might have
forgotten about us. Or, about me, anyway.
“Yeah,”
I say. “It’s going to be great.”
Nikki’s
phone buzzes and she checks it discretely, a wide smile spreading across her
face. She shoves it back in her purse and takes me by the shoulders so I face
her.
“What’s
going on, Nik?” I ask.
A
car turns into the parking lot and as I squint to see where I’ve seen it
before, Nikki turns me back around. She keeps her hands on my shoulders, and
her smile is even wider than it was before. “Just, stay here, okay?”
I
glance back but I can’t see anything. “What is it?”
A car door slams and Nikki spins me around quickly. "Surprise!" she whispers in my ear.
Hi Averill!
ReplyDeletePitch:
I like the setup of your story, but I’m lost a little toward the end of the pitch. Where is Jake returning from? And would she really consider staying with an abusive family for a chance at being with a guy? Maybe if you explain what there is to lose? I know it’s hard in 35 words…ugh.
Words:
I already love Nikki and feel for Adeline. Nice job on characterization! I wonder if you’re starting in the right place, though. I’ve read in a lot of critiques by agents and editors that we YA contemporary peeps love to start stories driving to or from somewhere or waking up to a new day, etc. I’d hate for your awesome characters to be sidelined because an agent considers your beginning to be cliché.
Maybe you could start the story at The Exit? Show us her angst when she sees Jake. Maybe have her hide a bruise or something… (totally guessing on the abuse from home here, but you get the idea). Have you read The Hate U Give? That book starts at the party and Angie Thomas does an amazing job at weaving in back story and characterization that grounds the reader. You may want to check it out.
You’re a good writer! I’d definitely like to read more.
Hi Averill:
ReplyDeleteIn all this "fantasy" I'm glad to see a YA Contemp :-).
PITCH:
The abusive home threw me in the pitch - no crush would/should make someone not go to college to stay in an abusive home, and how much is there to lose from an abusive home? Not sure of your storyline, but maybe the term "abusive home" could be removed/changed? It def sets a specific thought process in motion.
500 WORDS
The beginning might not be popular with agents - maybe don't state that it's the "last day of high school" and let people figure that out as they go on. I think you could remove the entire sentence "Today was our last day of high school, and now, Nikki is dropping me off at home before our big celebration tonight at The Exit." and just move on to the "I can't believe we're done."
One doesn't volunteer at work: "I volunteered to do full-time hours at the grocery store." Maybe "... why I signed on full-time at the grocery store."
Is she British? If not, maybe college instead of university?
Love this phrasing: Happy Adeline, Cool Adeline, Completely Fake Adeline. Maybe periods between, though: Happy Adeline. Cool Adeline. Completely Fake Adeline.
Overall - nice work. Good luck with PitchWars.
Keli #8
Hi Averill,
ReplyDeleteI think your pitch is strong and sets up some high stakes right away.
I like that you start in-scene with a strong visual image and tell us right away where she is and what's she's doing but I agree that this can be cut from the first paragraph: "Today was our last day of high school, and now, Nikki is dropping me off at home before our big celebration tonight at The Exit." I think it's good to let the scene roll itself out rather than tell us so much up front, especially because her friends next few lines pretty much imply or say the same information and I assume we will see them arrive at The Exit pretty soon after this so we don't need that information right away.
For the last line- it's a powerful final image. Home should be a safe, happy place, and clearly it isn't for this character. I had the thought though, that the cloud is descending *because* she never knows what awaits her, so it doesn't quite work that the cloud descending *is* a bad sign. I think you can accomplish the same sense of foreboding by cutting it down to "I never know what awaits me across the threshold, but a cloud descends upon me as I shut the door."
Strong start!
Hi Averill!
ReplyDeletePITCH:
I really like the start of this pitch and it does a great job of setting up the character. But, like Deborah, I did feel it was a little vague towards the end. The low word count does make it difficult, but I think you could probably condense the first sentence a little to give us a more specific idea of the conflict and stakes. That could also help with the confusion of why any girl would stay in an abusive home to be with a guy.
FIRST 500:
I love the image this opening creates. Nikki and Adeline come across so clearly, I can form an attachment with both of them from the first few paragraphs. However, I agree that it's possibly not the best place to start. You could potentially create a stronger hook if you started at The Exit and drip-fed us the information you've told us here.
If you do choose to stick with this opening, I definitely think it would be even stronger without the first few sentences. I like the image, but it's a little cliché. I think Twilight had a similar opening line (driving with window rolled down). Starting with the dialogue says it all.
I also think the last few paragraphs could be condensed. I like the "Happy Adeline, Cool Adeline, Completely Fake Adeline" line, but I'd move it to an earlier position. e.g. 'I plaster on the persona I know Nikki wants to see. Happy Adeline. Cool Adeline. Completely Fake Adeline. "Yeah! It’s going to be great."'
Then you can do away with the "we'll meet at my place" exchange and the entering the house action, which can be inferred. And, it's hard to say without knowing what comes after this passage, but removing (or repositioning to a later part) the "I never know what awaits me across the threshold" line could make whatever does happen to her indoors more surprising and impactful.
All in all, I love your characterisation in both your pitch and your opening passage! I'd just love to get to the action a little sooner, and really feel the impact of these things Adeline is telling us :)
Hi Averill,
ReplyDeleteThe title of your MS is really beautiful!
Pitch: I agree with everyone who's said the 2nd part of the pitch is vague. The pitch implies the return of her crush could convince her to stay in the suffocating town, but is that right? I ask because in the pages it's mentioned that Jake is also at university. Therefore, unless something bad happens to him which forces him to stay at home past a normal summer break, I'm not seeing how her plans might be foiled by his return. Am I digging too deep? Maybe, but I'm thinking maybe there's something deeper in the story which better covers the stakes.
500 words:
I'm going to echo the others who have said this may be too early a place to start the novel. But I don't know where it's going yet. Your writing flows really nicely, so I'm going to focus on some areas I think could make things tighter.
"Now, I have the entire summer ahead of me, which is probably why I volunteered to do full-time hours at the grocery store. Nikki can’t believe I would do such a thing during our last summer before university, but, frankly, I can use the money." <-- this passage doesn't feel so teenagery to me. Of course, I'm decades removed from being a teenage myself, but I can see this being more crisp and assertive. Example: "Now, with summer looming, my only escape is my full-time job cashier job at the Piggly Wiggly. Nikki can't believe I'd work during our last summer before university (aside question, why not? Most people I knew in high school worked full-time jobs, went to school, or some equivalent.). But she doesn't get it. I need the money."
Question, is Nikki one of the superficial friends mentioned in the pitch? If so, maybe it's good to play up more.
"Nikki has no idea what that word really means to me." <-- This would be a great place to add in a line or two about what it means to Adeline. I can see something like: "Nikki has no idea what that word really means. Freedom is X. Freedom is Y, etc.
Oh, typo: "She looks over at me expectantly while we idle at a read light." That should be red, not read.
The paragraph about Jake confused me because in the paragraph above Nikki mentions the whole gang will be together. And then immediately Adeline says Nikki is talking about Jake but Jake won't be at the exit which made me go huh? I understood after I read it three or four times, but you may want to make it clear that while Nikki says the whole gang will be together, it won't be happening tonight.
The last line about the cloud which descends upon her as she enters the house is a little too nebulous for me. I'd prefer a more direct description of whatever is going on.
I hope this helps some!
Julie (#3)
Hello!! thank you so much for entering #YayYA!! :D
ReplyDeletePitch: So, while this is pretty good, I think you may be writing yourself in the wrong category. This smacks of a good NA story and not so much YA. You MIGHT be able to pitch it as a crossover. Also, I'm assuming this isn't set in America, cuz most of us American high schoolers refer to where we get out bachelor's as college, and all the non-Americans I know call it university, regardless if we're at a college or a university.
First 500: It's funny for me because my boyfriend's sister is named the same as your MC and she also just graduated. Anyway, your MC is a very three dimensional character even just in these first few paragraphs. Good job. I'd love to see maybe a little bit more foreshadowing of her abusive situation... is she physically abused? If so does she dress to hide it? But honestly, there's not much in the technical side of things to criticize. You know what you're doing. Just maybe look into recategorizing as NA :)
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI love a good love story, so I'm already excited! But I am in line with everyone else, the last part of your pitch is a little fuzzy. Clarify what she has to lose and it will be more compelling.
There's so much good stuff in you first 500 words. "Nikki has no idea what that word really means to me," is so subtle but powerful. I'm not sure the first few paragraph is necessary. "I can't believe we're done." might be a pretty good opening line.
Adeline is so alive and real as soon as this book opens, so it surprises me that I don't know more about her abuse. When she walks to her front door, what type of abuse is she expecting? Physical? Mental? Is she the the one who's hurt, or is it her mother, a sibling, who? A little more detail could up the stakes even more.
Overall, you've got a good start to a book I'd read. Good job!
Hi Averill,
ReplyDeletePitch: I'm not sure if this is a YA, but more NA only because of the age and that Adeline is about ready to go to university/college. Also, the way the second part reads, it sounds like since her all-time crush is back in town she might lose him(?). Would she give up college for a boy?
Word: All in all, I have nothing to add to what others have already said. The writing is smooth and very engaging. So, a great start to your story.
Elizabeth
Hi, Averill! Thanks so much for sharing IT GIVES A LOVELY LIGHT with us! I do mostly fantasy, but I have a huge soft spot for contemporary, and I can feel that your story is one of the ones I would have devoured back in high school.
ReplyDeleteI really like the first part of your pitch. It sets up exactly what Adeline is dealing with and running from right away. I think the portion that starts “Adeline realizes” could be reworded to keep up that sense of urgency. Exactly what is she poised to lose from Jake’s return? What is at stake here?
It’s clear you’ve thought deeply into these characters and this world, but I think a lot of the information we’re given in these first 500 words could be weaved in throughout the story without losing this important info. An example is the line “Nikki can’t believe I would do such a thing during our last summer before university”. Because it’s just the two of them in the car, you’ve got a perfect opportunity to show the reader how Nikki thinks through her words and actions. Same goes again for when Adeline is talking about Jake. She updates us on the status of their relationship right away, but you can create an air of mystery by just mentioning who he is and that she misses him without giving the readers those answers right away. Your first page just needs to draw people in. The rest of the book can explain the story.
I like your prose a lot! It’s very clean and the dialogue sounds very natural. The last line filled me with so much foreboding and dread. I think you’re off to a great start. Best of luck with Pitch Wars!
-Rosie (#12)
Yay! Contemporary! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm echoing what the others have said about the last bit of your pitch. I'd like to know more specifically what she could lose. 35 words is brutal! This is good training for us, though. I keep telling myself that.
I like the beginning lines, though I think I agree with another commenter that starting with "i can't believe we are done" or something like that, would work quite well. When I get to "gave me excuses to just not be home" that was the first moment I felt any awkwardness in the prose. I would smooth it out with something like "gave me a reason to stay out of the house for as long as possible". The JUST and the NOT BE HOME bothered me a bit (turning a negative into a positive usually helps tighten the line, as I'm sure you know)
You also mention her looking out of the window, or leaning her head near the window twice in a short duration. I would change one of these so it doesn't sound redundant.
I think you have a great voice and a talent for dialogue. See you at Pitchwars!
Angie #16
Hey, Averill. First of all, I'm not at all good at line editing and critiquing so I'm refraining myself from line critiquing. My overall feedback will be on the excerpt.
ReplyDeletePitch:
I loved the pitch before I read the last line. It slumped my enthusiasm. Why? I once read an agent's mswl and there she wished for a women's fiction where the MC doesn't leave big cities to return to her hometown, rather leaves her hometown to pursue a more ambitious life in a big city. When I was reading your pitch, I was excited that "Yay! This is a YA set in college!" And "Yay! It has a girl getting out of her bad past to a brighter future". So empowering. Then I realized she's reconsidering her decision for a guy. She could reconsider it over a family need or even for a friend in need. Maybe her crush, not official boyfriend, needs her help in something? The stakes weren't clear enough and therefore anyone would think she's throwing away the potential of a bright future for a crush. Be more specific.
500 words:
Without reading the pitch, I wouldn't know why she wants to leave so bad. Hint at it. We're two pages in and yet all we know about our MC is 1) she's a high school graduate, 2) she's going off to college soon, 3) she doesn't wanna stay home so she's taking full time job, 4) she has a huge crush on a college guy. Tell me more! Give me hints at least.
And though I'm not good at line critiquing, I noticed a lot of adverbs. And like a grammar Nazi, I counted around ten of them. Be extra cautious in their use. If you can, avoid them altogether in the first ten pages. Like Stephen King says, "Avoid adverbs like plague."
Anyway, I dig college YA (Fangirl one of my faves) and if I found it in a bookstore, I'd read it.
Best of luck in PitchWars!