Friday, July 24, 2015

#YayYA Entry #5

Name: Lana Wood Johnson

Genre: High Fantasy

Title: CLANDESTINE MENAGERIE

35-Word Pitch:
Rhee can mimic anything, but she's stuck working the menagerie while the rest of the Floating Circus spies for the Sky King. The Prince's near assassination lets her finally prove herself— or screw everything up.

First 500:
I am losing the sense of the bicycle. Its pedals taste like dead wood and metal. I hate this part of my job so much.
When a wineglass flies at my head I snag it out of the air with one of my eight appendages. Like I’m supposed to.
It may only be a short act, but trying to work a bicycle as a Giant Land Octopus while catching things is the worst. I just have to hold on a little bit longer. 

One more lap and I’m off to become a unicorn. 

Unicorns are easier. More intelligent. They're as close to a person as you can get and still look like an animal. Still feel normal. 

There’s nothing normal about an octopus. 

All my instincts tell me to ditch the bicycle and climb to the far corner of the tent. It won't take much to fade to the bone white of the big top's canvas. I'd be practically invisible.

I should have told Dez about this headache. If I had mentioned how bad my brain has been buzzing all day he would have changed the show.

Wait, there's a signal. 

As soon as I give it, he'll change the show. 

Except—I don’t remember the signal.

I’m too distracted by the predators. Predators everywhere. In the stands. Waiting backstage. Coming for me. They’ll eat me.

 Hide. Must hide. Away. disappear. 

Looking. Always looking.

A sticky, sweet liquid washes over me just as I’m about to release an inky aerosol to cover my escape. Two of my three hearts skip beats as wine–that should be in my glass–washes over the breathing sacs most people think are my ears. 

Only years of experience in the circus keep me in this form.

Experience and the heat in Dez’s eyes. 

His face may be painted into an exaggerated smile under his jolly Ringmaster's hat, but only the citizens in the stands could believe he’s happy. 

I made the mistake of falling out of form in front of the crowd once. 

Never again.

Dez lifts his arms high then spreads them out. The orchestra’s cue, not mine. 

It takes longer than it should to recognize from the change in the beat that he’s shortened the act.

It takes even longer to remember to tip the glass, showing him I’m aware of my mistake. 

With exaggerated motions from my tentacles, I force the pedals to spin the wheels so they'll take me out of the tent. With all that effort I prove I’m still his main act and not a confused cephalopod. It takes all my energy, but I keep the bike headed toward the slit in the tent wall that marks the portal to the crew area.

I repeat my name, “Rhee, Rhee, Rhee,” like a mantra in my head, reminding myself I’m something more than this awkward creature. 

As soon as I’m through the portal I change. 

Two arms.

Two legs. 

One giant head becomes a torso with a small head.



REVISION:

Pitch:

Rhee's stuck shapeshifting into animals in the menagerie while the rest of the Floating Circus acts as the Sky King's secret police. By stopping the Prince's assassination she may prove herself— or screw everything up.

First 500:
I am losing the sense of the bicycle. The pedals beneath my tentacles taste like dead wood and metal. When a wineglass flies at my head I snag it out of the air with one of my eight appendages. Just like I’m supposed to.
It's my shortest act, but trying to work a bicycle as a Giant Land Octopus while catching things is absolutely the worst.
I just have to hold on a little bit longer. One more lap and I’m off to become a unicorn. 
Unicorns are easier. More intelligent. They're as close to a person as you can get and still look like an animal—still feel normal. 
There’s nothing normal about an octopus. 
All my instincts tell me to ditch the bicycle and climb to the far corner of the tent. It won't take much to fade to the bone white of the big top's canvas. I'd be practically invisible.
I should have told Dez about my headache. If I had mentioned how bad my brain has been buzzing all day he would have changed the show. All I have to do is give him a signal. 
Except—I don’t remember the signal.
The audience keeps looking at me. Always looking. Predators everywhere. In the stands. Waiting backstage. Coming for me. They’ll eat me. Hide. Must hide. Away. Disappear. 
A sticky, sweet liquid washes over me just as I’m about to release an inky aerosol to cover my escape. Two of my three hearts skip beats as the wine meant for my glass seeps into the breathing sacs most people think are my ears. 
Only years of experience in the circus keep me in this form.
Experience and the heat in Dez’s eyes. His face may be painted into an exaggerated smile under his jolly Ringmaster's hat, but only the citizens in the stands could believe he’s happy. 
I made the mistake of falling out of form in front of the crowd once. 
Never again.
Dez lifts his arms high then spreads them out. The orchestra’s cue, not mine. 
It takes me longer than it should to recognize the change in rhythm. 
He’s shortened my act. All my acts.
It takes me even longer to remember I need to tip the glass to show him I’m aware of my mistake before any more wine comes at me.
With exaggerated motions from my tentacles, I force the pedals to spin the wheels so they'll take me out of the tent. With all that effort I prove I’m still his main act and not a confused cephalopod.
It takes repeating name, “Rhee, Rhee, Rhee,” like a mantra in my head. Reminding myself I’m something more than this awkward creature. I spend all my energy keeping the bike headed toward the slit in the tent wall that leads to the crew area.
I change as soon as I’m through. 
Two arms.
Two legs. 
One giant head becomes a torso with a small head.

26 comments:

  1. Throwing my Twitter handle on here because I wasn't that clever! Find me at @muliebris

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Lana! I'm Laura, entry 007 (I'm James Bond, a querying James Bond) :)
    Feel free to take my comments on board or disregard them :) After all, subjectivity is the queen of this business.

    Forgive my ALL IN CAPS comments. I look like a screaming fan (but also... James Bond):
    To the entry we go!

    35-Word Pitch:
    Rhee can mimic anything, but she's stuck working the menagerie while the rest of the Floating Circus spies for the Sky King. The Prince's near assassination lets her finally prove herself— or screw everything up. [PERFECT!]

    First 500:
    I am losing the sense of the bicycle. Its pedals taste like dead wood and metal. I hate this part of my job so much.
    When a wineglass flies at my head I snag it out of the air with one of my eight appendages. Like I’m supposed to.
    It may only be a short act, but trying to work a bicycle as a Giant Land Octopus while catching things is the worst. I just have to hold on a little bit longer.

    One more lap and I’m off to become a unicorn.

    Unicorns are easier. More intelligent. They're as close to a person as you can get and still look like an animal. Still feel normal.

    There’s nothing normal about an octopus.

    All my instincts tell me to ditch the bicycle and climb to the far corner of the tent. It won't take much to fade to the bone white of the big top's canvas. I'd be practically invisible.
    [SO FAR SO GOOD] [FUNNY AND VIVID]

    I should have told Dez about this headache. If I had mentioned how bad my brain has been buzzing all day he would have changed the show.
    I WOULD REWORD "THIS HEADACHE" AS "THE HEADACHE I'M GOING THROUGH". SINCE YOU HAVEN'T MENTIONED THE HEADACHE BEFORE, "THIS" SOUNDS A BIT CONFUSING THERE. (MINOR, MINOR, MINOR THING)

    Wait, there's a signal. As soon as I give it, he'll change the show. [I WOULDN'T USE A PARAGRAPH BREAK HERE. AT FIRST I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS ACTUALLY SIGNALING.

    Except—I don’t remember the signal.

    I’m too distracted by the predators. Predators everywhere. In the stands. Waiting backstage. Coming for me. They’ll eat me. [CONFUSING. PREDATORS? DO YOU MEAN THE AUDIENCE?]

    Hide. Must hide. Away. disappear.

    Looking. Always looking.

    A sticky, sweet liquid washes over me just as I’m about to release an inky aerosol to cover my escape. Two of my three hearts skip beats as wine–that should be in my glass–washes over the breathing sacs most people think are my ears.

    Only years of experience in the circus keep me in this form.

    Experience and the heat in Dez’s eyes.

    His face may be painted into an exaggerated smile under his jolly Ringmaster's hat, but only the citizens in the stands could believe he’s happy.

    I made the mistake of falling out of form in front of the crowd once.

    Never again.

    Dez lifts his arms high then spreads them out. The orchestra’s cue, not mine.

    It takes longer than it should to recognize from the change in the beat that he’s shortened the act.

    It takes even longer to remember to tip the glass, showing him I’m aware of my mistake.

    With exaggerated motions from my tentacles, I force the pedals to spin the wheels so they'll take me out of the tent. With all that effort I prove I’m still his main act and not a confused cephalopod. It takes all my energy, but I keep the bike headed toward the slit in the tent wall that marks the portal to the crew area.

    I repeat my name, “Rhee, Rhee, Rhee,” like a mantra in my head, reminding myself I’m something more than this awkward creature.

    As soon as I’m through the portal I change.

    Two arms.

    Two legs.

    One giant head becomes a torso with a small head.

    [LOVELY ENDING FOR A FIRST PAGE.]

    WAY TO GO! I LOVE THE NEW APPROACH YOU'VE INFUSED THIS STORY WITH. IT READS FRESH AND UNIQUE. I HOPE YOU MAKE IT :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At the risk of tainting anyone who follows would "my" in place of "this" be stronger?

      I should have told Dez about my headache. If I had mentioned how bad my brain has been buzzing all day he would have changed the show.

      Delete
    2. Yes! I think that sentence works so much better. Much clearer :)

      Delete
  3. Hi Lana!
    The pitch is cool except it says she can mimic anything but in the story she can transform into the things she mimics so you might want to make that a little more clear! (Especially since she uses a portal of some kind) also I couldn't really feel what the circus arena was like. Was it dark with spotlights? Is the crowd big or small? Is anyone stressed out? Are their other actors besides her?
    The opening is pretty funny though a little confusing in some places. The ending line is awesome and it made me want to read more.
    I don't think there's really anything more for me to say!

    ~Grace (#10)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Lana,
    Yes, my in place of this would be stronger, make it more personal. That aside, this is a very cool premise, and I love the title.
    In the "short act" line I would cut "may" and use "It's only" you don't need the may, and the next line has such strong feelings about it that they contradict the less strong may.
    The signal lines could be cleared up if the first two are put together. "Wait, I can give a signal to change the act." Something like that and I like the following line about not remembering it a lot.
    I didn't have a problem with the predator lines, but pointing out that it's the octopus that sees predators everywhere might help.
    The "change in the beat" line I had to read twice. The "from the" pulled me out. Maybe cut from and try "recognize the change in the beat that means" or signals.
    Portal to me meant simply a door and she holds the ability to change in herself. I see some confusion for others so I would think about a word shift.
    I love the imagery, the humor, making fun of the octopus and the fantasy geek in me digs the unicorn comments. The best part about this scene is that it so clearly sets up the relationship with the ringmaster and each of their characters.
    This is very clean and well done!
    Jacqueline Eberli #6

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Lana,

    This is Kiernan at #4. I haven’t read previous comments so as not to be influenced, so apologies if I repeat things you’ve already heard.

    Pitch is nicely done except does she mimic, or does she transform? It sounded in your 500 words like she actually WAS an octopus, not just imitating one.

    Your 500 is very intriguing – definitely not anything I’ve read before! The world-building is strong and I get a good sense of where you are heading, but there are a few things that confused me or made me pause that I’ve outlined below.

    I’m not quite sure why a unicorn would be the closest thing to a human—wouldn’t something that walks upright like a bear be more so? I’m also not sure why the intelligence of the animal she transforms into matters, as it seems she keeps her own intelligence throughout (though maybe not, and that was your point? But I wasn’t sure).

    When you wrote “wait, there’s a signal,” I thought someone was actually giving her a signal, not that she was remembering that SHE could give one.

    I can tell that she’s usually good at her job and that she’s having an off day—but I’m not sure the main reason why. There’s the headache, and then there’s a mention of predators (what are those?) Are both important and related to why she’s off her game? Are they related to one another?

    The mention of a portal at the end gave me pause, because I was assuming from your pitch and the beginning of your 500 words that her ability to transform lies within her, but reference to a portal and how she becomes human as soon as she goes through it makes me think that is what triggers the change.

    You’ve got a cool, distinctive concept here so if none of this is helpful, feel free to disregard!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Lana!! Excited to finally get a taste of your circus book!!

    35-Word Pitch: I know what you’re trying to say, but I’m not sure “mimic” is the right word. It’s too ambiguous. Does she mimic voices/sounds like a mocking bird? Does she change the color of her skin like a chameleon? Also, I think you don’t need the space after your em dash.

    First 500: First of all, you have a lot of very short paragraphs, and it feels disjointed. Generally speaking, I think you can combine some of them without losing any of their impact, and make the reading a bit smoother. Second, just within this first 500 words you touch on several different topics without really giving us much to hold on to. It gets a little confusing and I think you could do with a bit more specificity. Finally, I have very little sense of the setting, and would love some more descriptive details.

    My specific notes are:

    - I’m confused about what you mean by “sense of the bicycle”. I would clarify the whole “taste of the pedals” thing. Later on, when you realize she’s an octopus, it makes a little more sense (her mouth being on her bottom, etc.—though I’m still not sure why she’s tasting the pedals. Wouldn’t her mouth be on the seat? I'm really not clear about the logistics of this) but here it’s just totally confusing.

    - After the sentence about the wineglass, “Like I’m supposed to” feels like a fragment.

    - I’m confused as to whether the fear and discomfort in this scene is how Rhee always feels, or if it’s just because she’s in octopus form. While I imagine being an octopus would be totally disorienting, I need more clarification about what’s going on in her head. Also, how many times has she done this? Is it a new form, and that’s why it’s so troublesome? Or is it one of those “no matter how many times I do this, it still sucks” kind of situations?

    - You use close variations on “change the show” quite quickly one after the other. Could you vary your phrasing?

    - When Rhee says “Wait, there's a signal” I’m not clear if she’s talking about something they had discussed beforehand or a signal that’s happening now.

    - I’m very confused about the predators. Does she mean the audience? Is it because humans eat octopi or is it something more personal and specific?

    - Capitalize “disappear” in “Hide. Must hide. Away. disappear.”

    - I’m very confused by “Looking. Always looking.” Does that tie in to the idea of the predators above? Again, is this general octopus fear or specific Rhee fear?

    - Would she be able to taste the wine to be able to call it sweet, if she pours it on top of herself? Given the location of her mouth?

    - I would clarify whether “the heat in Dez’s eyes” is a general look he gives her often, or a specific look he’s giving her now. “Heat” can be used to describe both passion and anger, so another thing to clarify.

    - I love “I made the mistake of falling out of form in front of the crowd once.

    Never again” (though I think you could combine it into one paragraph).

    - I’m not clear why she thinks she needs to tip the wine glass at Dez? Shouldn’t she be putting all her effort into finishing the act without any more trouble, considering how much of a struggle it’s been?

    - Again, you use “portal” twice in rapid succession.

    This is such an interesting and unique premise, but I think you need to give us a little more to dig our teeth into with regards to Rhee, the world, and even the specifics about what’s going on in this scene. I’m definitely fascinated, I just want to know more!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi, Lana!

    I love your story so far—really intriguing!

    I don’t have a lot of feedback because I think you have a really great start here. Here’s what I have to offer, take it or leave it. ;-)

    When I got to “All my instincts tell me to ditch the bicycle and climb to the far corner of the tent. It won't take much to fade to the bone white of the big top's canvas. I'd be practically invisible.” I wondered why Rhee wants to hide. Up to this point I’ve gotten an overall feeling that Rhee does not enjoy what she’s doing. So at first, I thought she wanted to hide so she didn’t have to do her job anymore. Of course, upon further examination of the pitch, and later in the story when I learned there were predators everywhere, I could understand a bit better. And now I’m curious about the predators. Are they literally predators that want to eat Rhee?

    I found the “Hide. Must hide. Away,” etc. to be a bit distracting, although I get where you’re going with it. Maybe re-examine how that part is worded to keep it from drawing the reader away from the story as much.

    Is the sticky-sweet liquid that washes over Rhee, wine? If so, perhaps change the order of the words so that we understand what that is sooner. Maybe, “A sticky, sweet liquid washes over me—wine that should be in my glass—just as I’m about to release an inky aerosol to cover my escape. Two of my three hearts skip beats as it washes over the breathing sacs most people think are my ears.

    I like the opening so far and I’d like to read the rest!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hello :) this is Maddie from entry three.

    Pitch:

    This is a really clean, concise pitch. My only concrit would be to possibly change the wording, "Rhee can mimic anything," unless she can literally mimic anything like inanimate objects and such. I feel like "anything" is too broad. Maybe she can though? Because I start thinking of things like metal, a pan, a basket. It might be subjective on my behalf because I enjoy superpower books/films where abilities are thoroughly explored.

    First 500 Words:

    I really enjoy the descriptions, careful attention to detail, and the word choices here. Nice job :)
    -"Wait, there's a signal."-Using just "signal" seemed out of place right here. By the construction of the sentence, I thought there had been some kind of literal signal. Maybe a better word choice would be "distress signal" or "SOS."
    -"I’m too distracted by the predators. Predators everywhere. In the stands. Waiting backstage. Coming for me. They’ll eat me."-I really liked these lines and found it intriguing. I feel like I understand what she means, but it's a little confusing. Maybe you can possibly specify a little bit? But not too much because I definitely do like the perplexity of these lines.
    -"It takes longer than it should to recognize from the change in the beat that he’s shortened the act-" The beginning of the sentence reads a wee bit awkward. I think adding "me" after "takes" might alter the tiny amount of awkwardness. The sentence ends very nicely though.
    -"As soon as I’m through the portal I change"-"Transform" seems like a better word choice than "change" or maybe "revert."

    Overall:

    I like where you start. I can feel this is going to be very engaging and super creative. The ending lines made me want to read more :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hello! This is Kosoko from Entry 1, and also someone you know very well!

    For everyone who reads this know that Lana and I have discussed her work for a few months, so she knows how i review, things i'm good at, etc.

    She should also know i'm more of a contempt writer so fantasy isn't my strong suit!

    PITCH: Well look at that ;) I really don't have anything new to say to this right now but I'm DM you when I do. Because I always do.

    500 WORDS

    THE GREAT: I feel like the tone, the feel, and enough was given in these 500 words. I can feel like I'm there, your first person is amazing, and I really enjoy the setting. It's dark, but it feels like the viewers of the circus don't see the darkness, I love it. It would get me to read more. I'm int his world and that's what counts.

    THE NOTES: (these are just my notes, what I saw as a reader. Anything that crosses into "This is how I'd write it" word, I apologize.) Take it. Make it awesome. Or don't take it and curse me to the heavens.

    This might just be a word choice thing but sometimes you use contractions, sometimes you don't. I would stick to one or another.

    The introspection is good, I really feel like I'm in her head but the "hide, must hide' section to me feels a touch cliche, but also dives a little too much into the mind for me. The tone is great, and I feel her panic, her urgency, but as a reader, going that far into her mind makes me feel loss to the outside world and lose the fact she is trying to hold onto her humanity. I completely forgot about that part and was focusing on the hiding part. A way to balance the two would be nice.

    Another personal choice, the "looking, always looking" line feels a little out of place to me also, or maybe not needed? i think in writing there is a point of TOO much urgency, and you might be approaching there to the point the reader has too many questions to jumble and not enough character knowledge in the first 500 words. I don't think you're there yet, but just keep that in mind.

    The "Away, disappear" thought also feels out of place since we know she wants to disappear several lines above from the bone white tent.

    Also, how does she know it's sticky sweet if she is tasting the driftwood? Remember, not ALL wine is sticky sweet.


    "It takes even longer to remember to tip the glass, showing him I’m aware of my mistake. " - Tad bit confusing compared to the rest of it. A wine glass was thrown at her, now tipping it shows her mistake? Did I miss something else? Maybe clarify this, shorten it or take it out? I'm not really sure it adds much and there are other ways to write that she realized she made a mistake.


    "Wine, that should be in my glass" seems redundant. You already told us it was thrown at her, then its on her body, we know it's not in the glass.

    "I repeat my name" that part read a little cliche and repetitive to me. Personally it's a small red flag for me when 'mantra' is ever used for repeating names. At least in combination.

    ReplyDelete
  10. LANA!!

    Ever since March when you first mentioned this project to me I've been itching to get a look at it. In other news that project I mentioned to you around the same time, in Charleston with the pirates and all, hasn't even been started. I envy your productivity.

    Okay, let's see. Your pitch is good but could be better. I understand it, but only because I've been following *coughstalkingcough* your tweets about this story. You'll want to avoid Capitalized Names and Places.

    Your first 500 is hilarious. I'm not a hundred percent sure it's the right place to start, but it's definitely entertaining. You get right into Rhee's head and keep us there. Some people commented that they found that too confusing but I loved it. I think everyone else covered the editorial comments so I'll skip that part. So glad you could enter this time! :D

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey, I remember you twittilizing us with a this project a few times. It's nice to see the early sprouts. I know some have spoken of not knowing enough info, but that only adds to the mystery. Who are the predators? IDK , but I want to find out. My only issue with the opening, (and I'm quite sure this is a matter of personal preference) is it seems fast paced (and this is coming from a ADHD kind of guy.) Kind of feels like each paragraph holds my shoulders and shakes. Yet some like that. I do realize this short paragraph style is popular in YA, I've mostly seen it in YA contemporary, never before in high fantasy (Not that I have read a lot of YA High Fantasy).

    Descriptions are great. Vivid. One quick question. As a nerdy kind of guy, I loved your title, and I love the way it rolls off the tongue. But, might it be too complex to attract teens? I'd hope not.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks so much for your kind words, Rollan.

      I just wanted to respond a little to your comment on my title.

      First off, I love it, too. It took a TON for me to finally settle on something, but if this is going to be traditionally published the chances of it being done so under my original title are slim to none. I'm very okay with that. While I can eventually get to marketing, it's not something I do well without a LOT of effort.

      And then, to your second point, if the reason they give me is because teenagers aren't smart enough I'll probably go on a longish rant about that. Most teens remember more of the vocab that we've forgotten. Most of them are way smarter than most adults, even YA writers give them credit for. I have two words that have a lot of context. But they're my words. All the teens I've mentioned the title too love it, but that may also be selection bias. I'm not going to dumb things down because of prejudice, but I am going to give a lot of context to keep it accessible.

      Wow, I did better than normal. You can ask Kosoko how long I can rant about vocab. He's been subject to it more than once.

      OK, carry on!

      Delete
    2. I agree about the vocab thing. Though I have had the youth I work with read some of my stuff and complain about big words. (I do work with trouble youth; some are a bit behind.) And, that one particular novel I have determined was for adults. But, a few of the boys still even finished it. (To get one of these guys to actually finish something is a decent sign). Your title made me think of Tennessee Williams' the Glass Menagerie, that I read a little while back. (Although I'm guessing they're not too similar ;)) Whatever happens, I hope the title can stay.

      Delete
    3. Yes, I do understand about some kids being a bit behind which is why I also use the big words in context and not when regular words will do just as well if not better.

      I feel those that are behind deserve to be treated like they're behind which means with a chance to catch up, not unable to ever comprehend. And those who do get all the big words should see them used in the right place at the right time and not every chance they can get (that's the kind of kid I was).

      My biggest pet peeve are thesaurus books or characters who use the biggest word possible, no matter what, and without context (and more often than not, incorrectly.)

      And, no, I doubt anyone would compare me to Tennessee Williams, though it wouldn't be terrible to consider my work more of a memory play... hrm. But, no, not the same style or subject. ;)

      Delete
  12. Sorry it took me so long to comment - hope this might still be helpful!

    Pitch: The only thing that has me hemming and hawing here is the last sentence, where "lets her" doesn't quiiiite work with both parts of what follows..."[the assassination] lets her finally prove herself" scans, but "[the assassination] lets her screw everything up" doesn't quite as well. Am at a loss for how else to render it in 35 words, though!

    First 500: I love this - her anxiety, the charged introduction to her relationship with the ringmaster, the "octopus form" thoughts getting hard to control and threatening to take over. You build a great picture little by little without having to dump info.

    My suggestions are pretty minor: To make things a smidge clearer, you could add a sentence of transition between seeing the people in the stands as spectators and as predators. I think you could probably combine a few of the sentences standing alone into paragraphs - e.g. "One more lap...still feel normal" and "Only years of experience...believe he's happy" and "Dez lifts his arms...aware of my mistake."

    Otherwise, FTW!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sorry it took me so long to comment - hope this might still be helpful!

    Pitch: The only thing that has me hemming and hawing here is the last sentence, where "lets her" doesn't quiiiite work with both parts of what follows..."[the assassination] lets her finally prove herself" scans, but "[the assassination] lets her screw everything up" doesn't quite as well. Am at a loss for how else to render it in 35 words, though!

    First 500: I love this - her anxiety, the charged introduction to her relationship with the ringmaster, the "octopus form" thoughts getting hard to control and threatening to take over. You build a great picture little by little without having to dump info.

    My suggestions are pretty minor: To make things a smidge clearer, you could add a sentence of transition between seeing the people in the stands as spectators and as predators. I think you could probably combine a few of the sentences standing alone into paragraphs - e.g. "One more lap...still feel normal" and "Only years of experience...believe he's happy" and "Dez lifts his arms...aware of my mistake."

    Otherwise, FTW!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Much of what I'd have to say, I have said in my previous comment, with one addition. I like the way you clarified the element about the signal. I was a bit confused before, but understood it better this time around.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Revision Critique:

    Hi Lana! I just want to let you know that I never critiqued your initial 500 words, but the edited version looks fantastic. Like, I had a hard time concentrating on looking for stuff to critique because I was so busy freaking out about the fact that it's a CIRCUS and that she's an OCTOPUS. How flipping cool.

    *Ahem* Aaanyway, really only one thing stood out to me that could be fixed up. It's at the very end of your 500.

    "It takes repeating name, “Rhee, Rhee, Rhee,” like a mantra in my head. Reminding myself I’m something more than this awkward creature."

    To me, this is a more cumbersome and confusing way of expressing this concept than the sentence you originally used.

    "I repeat my name, “Rhee, Rhee, Rhee,” like a mantra in my head, reminding myself I’m something more than this awkward creature" seems like a clearer and more elegant way of wording things. I know you had a critique that suggested changing this sentence, but honestly I like it and think it flows well.

    Other than this, everything looks terrific. I *really* hope to see this in print, so I can pick up a copy, read the whole thing, and get you to sign it for me with your designated signing pen ;)

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  16. Hi Lana! I didn't read your first entry, but I've given your revision a thorough reading and love it. You know, paranormal has never really been my thing, but I believe this book could change my mind. I love the idea of the shape-shifting circus act, and it's well-written. I believe this will get published, and I can't wait to read it when it does! Great work!

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  17. Hi Lana!
    The pitch and the idea and the whole thing is awesome!mtotally original and totally something I hope to read in less then two years :D
    The revision is a lot better then the original.,. Actually to the point I am not too sure what to find wrong with it without looking over it again! I guess maybe the whole thing about Dez reacting to her first mistake was a little distracting and then she says the cue is for the orchestra but then she leaves right after the cue so I got a little confused!
    Other then that... Yaaay!
    -Grace (10)

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  18. Hi Lana, I think your pitch looks great now. You also clarified a lot of the parts I found awkward or confusing in your 500 the first time around. The only thing that still confuses me is reference to the predators (I think I understand she means the audience now, but I'm still not sure if she's thinking as an octopus or a girl who is genuinely threatened), but I'm guessing it's not important for the reader to have utter clarity about what Rhee means at this point in the book.

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  19. Hiya Lana! :)

    Ohmyglob! The idea of taking shapeshifting and turning it into what you've done is so awesome. I love the visualization I get immediately and I think the short sentences throw me into the octopus's mind. I want to read all of it, like now :)
    I agree with Laura that I like the first way you wrote "I repeat my name, “Rhee, Rhee, Rhee,” like a mantra in my head, reminding myself I’m something more than this awkward creature". The flow is better imo.
    Not much to crit, what's been said you've worked on and it's so intriguing I think you've got a winner :)
    Cass

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  20. Hi Lana,
    I like what you've done, but agree with Laura about the Rhee, Rhee, Rhee line. Especially since in this version a my is missing in the sentence. But that's all I've got. I love this!
    Jacqueline #6

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  21. Hi Lana,

    I like this version too! I liked both, but I certainly noticed some clarifications that make this new version easier to read. The only comment I have is that the pitch doesn't say what she has to prove.

    Good job!

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