Friday, July 24, 2015

#YayYA Entry #4

Name: Kiernan  Charles

Twitter handle: @writerkmc

Genre: Fantasy

Title: Enclosed

35-Word-Pitch: A curse sends 17-year-old Annika and her family to a futuristic Manhattan, where tyrannical laws keep her beloved brother trapped. She can’t return, so must work with an underground resistance to change her new world.

First 500: All things considered, I wish now I’d let my brother have the last cookie.
But I didn’t, snatching it out from under his hovering hand and stuffing it into my mouth before he could react.  Ezekiel looked sadly at the empty plate that had held our after-school snack and gave a long-suffering sigh. “Why are you always the worst?” he asked conversationally, opening our refrigerator and pulling out an apple.
My mouth was too full to answer him, so I just shrugged while brushing stray crumbs off my school uniform. One of them was a sliver of chocolate chip, and left a faint brown streak on my white shirt. Ezekiel snorted and shook his head, giving me a look that was half-affectionate, half-exasperated. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Annika: it is astonishing that you’re still single.”
Our mother entered the kitchen with her glasses on top of her head, pushing graying tendrils of hair out of her eyes as she peered at her phone. She needed bifocals desperately, but was convinced they were just a slippery slope to mom jeans and orthopedic shoes. “Your dad won’t be home for supper tonight, guys, so I’m not going to bother making dinner. You okay to just forage?”
“I’m having dinner at Tessa’s anyway,” I told her at the same time Ezekiel said, “I’m going to Lauren’s.” Our mother rolled her eyes at us. 
“Do either of you think to ask permission for anything anymore? Or are we officially past that point?”
“Come on, we knew there was only a fifty-fifty chance you were going to feed us anyway,” Ezekiel called over his shoulder as he headed for our room.
Yes, our room. Because Ezekiel and I, despite being almost sixteen and seventeen years old, respectively, still shared a room. We had to; our Manhattan apartment was too small to allow for personal space. Our father had put up a folding partition that was almost like a wall, but we usually kept it three-quarters of the way open, with just enough division to create privacy for changing. 
A few years ago my parents had been faced with a decision: move to a bigger place, or pay for private high school for each of us. Since they were both college professors who cared more about education than just about anything else, the four of us lived in a small two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment while Ezekiel and I attended one of the most prestigious prep schools on the Upper West Side. 
We could have just left Manhattan, I suppose, but both my parents had been raised there and couldn’t imagine living anywhere else. And Ezekiel and I didn’t mind. We’d been close our whole lives, and chances are we’d have spent most of our time at home in the same room anyway.



REVISION:

35-word pitch: A curse sends 17yo Annika to a futuristic Manhattan, where her life is privileged and her brother’s endangered. When she learns there’s no return, she must change her new reality or lose him for good.

First 500: 
Why are my socks green?
That was the first thought that popped into my head. Not where am I or how did I get here, although both were valid questions.
I didn’t own a pair of forest green socks, yet I was wearing them. They matched the plaid of a school uniform skirt that didn’t look anything like the one I’d put on that morning. I was sitting on a polished marble floor, my head pounding and my throat painfully dry.
 “Miss? Are you all right?” I blinked as the face looming over me swam into focus. It belonged a man I didn’t know, middle-aged and dressed in all black.
“Could I have some water?” I rasped. “And can you tell me where I am?”
“The Museum of Natural History,” he said, and I felt a quick rush of relief. Of course. I was on a field trip with the rest of Trinity’s senior class. I’d been with my friends in an exhibit about the Salem witch trials when I’d felt dizzy and … well, I couldn’t remember what came next, but I must have fainted at some point.
Except that didn’t explain my uniform. Or how I’d ended up in this room, which contained weird architectural sculptures and very few people.
I needed my phone. “Did you notice a backpack anywhere?” I asked the man as he handed me a cup of water.
“Right here,” he said, picking up a slim blue bag I’d never seen before.
“That’s not mine,” I told him. “Mine’s bigger, and gray. It’s from L.L. Bean.”
His forehead creased in confusion. “You were wearing this when you fell.”
“I couldn’t have—” I began, stopping short as I caught sight of my hand on the water glass. The chipped nail polish left over from last weekend’s mother-daughter manicure was gone, replaced by a clear gloss.
Was I dreaming? I pinched my arm, digging my fingernails deep enough to draw blood. That certainly felt real. I must have hit my head, I decided. Hard enough to give myself a concussion.
“Can I borrow your phone?” I asked the man.
He looked at me blankly. “My what?”
I had to get out of there. He wasn’t helping me; I’d figure this out on my own. I glanced doubtfully at the blue bag and picked it up as I got to my feet. Maybe this was my backpack and I just didn’t recognize it because my brain was scrambled. “Thanks for the water,” I murmured, backing out of the room. 
But I didn’t know where to go next. I sat heavily on a bench and unzipped the bag’s front compartment. No phone; just a slim, wallet-sized silver card. I held it up and gasped as my picture appeared on the front, hologram-style, with words etched below:
Name: Annika Altschul
Address: 208 West 88th Street, Apt. 20
Hair: Dark Brown
Eyes: Blue
Height: 5’6”
DOB: December 28, 2098
Status: NG Confirmed

21 comments:

  1. Hi Kiernan! I'm Laura, I'm entry 007 (*waves from my secret-agent armchair*) Feel free to stop by :)

    I see nothing I would change, really. I think everything is great for a first page. You introduce the reader to your MCs and you show us a bit about their personality. I can't ask for more. Keep that up! I hope you make it to PitchWars. I'll keep an eye on your story. I'll be back, see if I spot anything that could be improved. I feel bad for not giving you more feedback, but so far I wouldn't touch it. It's good as it is. If anything, mention their age, but I'm assuming you'll get to this at some point.

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  2. Hi Kiernan!

    Trying to give you a different perspective! Hopefully I'm able to help a bit! Starting from the top:

    Genre: This gets me curious from the start. Why Fantasy? I see it's probably "portal-esque" with the magical reason for being sent forward, but if it's futuristic Manhattan I'd expect it to be more Sci-Fi. Nothing you have to change, just something that puts me on alert for what follows.

    Pitch: In the first sentence I'm a little confused because you mention both a curse and tyrannical rules keeping her brother trapped. Is the curse trapping them? The rules? Is it trapping them in that place/time? These are questions that, I think, are distracting me from the point you're trying to make.

    SFF Pitches are the hardest because in addition to character, plot, tone, and voice we also need some worldbuilding. That means sacrificing a bit (by a bit I mean, HUGE IMPORTANT pieces of most of the story.) Find one aspect and focus on it. Is it them being cursed? Is it the brother being stuck? Is it the freedom fighter?

    With it all together it sounds like you may be trying to hide a dystopian as a fantasy. Which, okay, current #1 NYTBestseller is exactly that, so not begrudging that aspect. They aren't selling that, they're selling what makes it different. What makes your story different? That's what you should focus on in your pitch.

    First 500:

    You have a very interesting story, but you're starting in a not very interesting place. I'm not feeling a lot of emotion off of the MC which is making it hard to connect to her. Is she exasperated that her mom's mom's not feeding her? Is she annoyed with her brother? I assume she would be, because these are normal things, but your word choice feels a little distant and with a familiar scene like this it's key to establish baseline feelings for when the weird starts.

    Alternately, consider that you may have started in the wrong place. You may need to get closer to the action, leave your voice as it is and use the fact that she's a normal girl in an abnormal situation to make up for everything. By her nature she'll be more sympathetic in a strange situation because she's someone who has, what we presume, are normal reactions to things.

    This is tough advice because it's giving you a lot of underlying things to consider. Only bother with any of it if my suggestions resonate in a way that help you see how you can make the story you want to tell that much stronger!

    I do hope I've managed to be of some help! Best of luck!

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  3. Hi Kiernan,
    I'm assuming the fact that the dialogue isn't at the start of new paragraphs, like it almost always is, is because of a formatting issue in the submission. Mine did weird things too.
    This is really cleanly written. A few things to consider, be careful with words like conversationally. There are two in these 500 and they can take over and should be used sparingly.
    While the scene with the cookie is cute and funny, the inciting incident hasn't happened and it doesn't seem like it will soon, we need to get to that fast.
    Lastly, there is quite a bit of set up which is kind of like back story. So we need to know right this minute how there room is set up? If it's intended to show us that their parents aren't rich even though they go to private school and that the siblings are close I the former could be established later and the latter has been established by their interaction.
    Like I said, the writing is very good, and the cookie is a really cute way to set up their sibling relationship. I just want them to get to the future because it sounds like a cool premise.
    Jacqueline Eberli #6

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  4. Hi Kiernan, this is Jen Fulmer, entry #9.

    I’ll start with saying I agree with previous posters about the inciting incident. You have a neat premise, but if I picked up this book in a store and read the first page, I’d likely set it back down. Right now it’s just a little slow, and needs some oomph. I want to feel like something is about to happen.

    Otherwise, it’s well written. I just have a few nitpicky notes:

    - You don’t need words like “conversationally”, since that’s implied by the fact they’re having a conversation.

    - Do people really store apples in the refrigerator? I just can’t help imagining getting major brain-freeze when biting into a fresh-from-the-fridge apple, but that could just be me.

    - You can cut “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again” because it doesn’t really matter whether he’s said it before. What matters is Annika’s response.

    - Make sure in dialogue you use contractions pretty much always. “It’s” rather than “it is”.

    - You can cut “guys” from “Your dad won’t be home for supper tonight, guys” because it feels like a bit of a speedbump.

    - You can also cut “point” from “Or are we officially past that point?” for the same reason as above.

    - “Yes, our room” Feels like breaking the fourth wall. Annika wouldn’t think this if it’s something she’s been dealing with for a long time.

    - I don’t think we need the explanation of why they share a room or how they deal with changing, etc. It’s not likely that parents would force a brother and sister to share a room unless it was really necessary. And talking about how they avoid seeing each other changing feels…uncomfortable. Let the reader assume they change in the bathroom or something.

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  5. Hello, Kiernan! :)

    I’m Allison (entry #8).

    I think you have an interesting premise here, but the first 500 words don’t support the pitch. I’m wondering if you’re starting the story in the right place—I say this with pain because I’ve personally had to change the beginning of my story several times, so I feel your pain upon reading those comments.

    I’m curious what a futuristic Manhattan is- is it literally in the future, or is this a parallel universe? Everything you’ve described so far sound like current times, so I’m thinking you’re starting your story pre-curse. What happens to make Ezekial get trapped? How long until the inciting incident?

    Also, the after-school snack made me wonder how old the characters are. When I found out later that they are over sixteen, I’m wondering if you might consider revising this part. Maybe it’s not cookies on a plate on the table, which makes me think this is middle-grade.

    Consider “cutting the fat” for effectiveness. For example, “My mouth was too full to answer him, so I just shrugged while brushing stray crumbs off my school uniform. One of them was A sliver of chocolate chip and left a faint brown streak on my white shirt.”

    When I got to, “A few years ago my parents had been faced with a decision:” I got excited because I thought I was going to learn something huge- but instead it leads to backstory. I’m looking for the exciting story that the premise eludes to.

    I hope my comments have been helpful. :)

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  6. Hi everyone, Kiernan here. Thanks for all the comments so far and you all are right--I haven't started the story in quite the right place. I'm reworking it as we speak and am excited about the change, which I think will make the opening a LOT stronger. So thanks again--sometimes you just can't see what should be obvious till someone else points it out!

    I don't want to discourage other people from continuing to comment though, because I find all input interesting and helpful--and most of what's here will be repurposed elsewhere at some point.

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  7. Hello there :) I'm Maddie from entry three.

    Pitch:

    The stakes and conflict are clear in your pitch. I think if you use different word choices in some places like "barbaric" instead of "tyrannical" (or a better word if you can think of it since that just came from the top of my head), then the pitch will really, really enthrall readers, lurkers, all of the above. I feel like your pitch is almost there. Maybe the tiniest world-building in the pitch can be added? Something that really makes us see this is a futuristic Manhattan.

    First 500 Words:

    -I like this scene and the family interactions are adorable and easily relate to a lot of families, therefore readers will be able to relate. What I really enjoy about this scene is where Annika talks about her parents and the sacrifices they made in the name of education. So I have a suggestion for possibly another starting point? Maybe Annika can be in the principal's office and is on the brink of expulsion or maybe she got an awful report card. That would really anger her parents and show what they value (education).

    Overall:

    I like this entry and I want to know what is futuristic Manhattan--setting, world-building, differences from present-day Manhattan, society. What puts her brother in the kind of predicament where he's trapped? Awesome premise :)

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  8. Hi Kiernan!

    Remember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!


    To start off, I LOVE your premise. However, I think your book is definitely dystopian, or at least sci-fi. You might want to watch my vlog on spec fic genres here: http://whatrachelwrote.blogspot.com/2015/07/vlog-episode-002-why-you-shouldnt-use.html :D

    Your first line is hilarious and hooking. I love the family aspect of this. Family-oriented YA has been on my reader wishlist forever.

    Watch your use of adverbs. Also, ages are hyphened (and counted as one word, lucky for us pitchers!) so for example, seventeen-years-old. I'd like to know early on which sibling is older. It helps define their dynamic. I'm going to guess Annika is the older.

    You lapse into some telling in the second half of your 500. You could easily have them go into their room and show us that they're sharing a room. It'll probably surprise your readers more. All this said, although I enjoy your entry I'm not sure it's starting in the right place. It feels very contemporary right now.

    Just a heads up that I only just saw your comment about revising: I'm looking forward to seeing it! :D

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  9. I will try to add something different. Great job and building the relationship between brother and sister. Some have suggested it might not be the right place to start, IDK, too early to tell. Hunger Games did something similar with the relationship between Katniss and her sister, which heightened the drama when she volunteered as tribute. Parts that need work: Cut some adverbs and wordiness. Nix the backstory at this juncture.

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  10. Sorry I'm so late to the party - hope this is still helpful!

    Pitch: Having read the last version of this story, I'm intrigued to see where you're taking it - interesting possibilities, so I can see why you're excited about it! I wonder if you might be able to conserve some words by omitting the curse and starting with something like "Stranded in a futuristic Manhattan, 17-year-old Annika must..." Or does that end up too dystopian?

    First 500: So I still love Ezekiel :) and the voices and details are great, especially about their mom (also, stray chocolate chips are THE WORST). Bit of a cheap shot on Ezekiel's part about Annika being single; I'd give her a chance to snipe back at that one (has he been all shmoopy with/about someone lately?) I agree that you could probably find a way to work in the shared room without switching to telling mode...she might want to change her shirt, for instance, and if he's heading there too, they can continue the conversation over the partition.

    I'm on the fence about the question of whether this is the right place to start - I can see the point about this being pretty prosaic and not action-oriented, but we need their camaraderie established, after all, before weirdness happens; we need to be invested in their relationship before it's threatened.

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  11. Sorry I'm so late to the party - hope this is still helpful!

    Pitch: Having read the last version of this story, I'm intrigued to see where you're taking it - interesting possibilities, so I can see why you're excited about it! I wonder if you might be able to conserve some words by omitting the curse and starting with something like "Stranded in a futuristic Manhattan, 17-year-old Annika must..." Or does that end up too dystopian?

    First 500: So I still love Ezekiel :) and the voices and details are great, especially about their mom (also, stray chocolate chips are THE WORST). Bit of a cheap shot on Ezekiel's part about Annika being single; I'd give her a chance to snipe back at that one (has he been all shmoopy with/about someone lately?) I agree that you could probably find a way to work in the shared room without switching to telling mode...she might want to change her shirt, for instance, and if he's heading there too, they can continue the conversation over the partition.

    I'm on the fence about the question of whether this is the right place to start - I can see the point about this being pretty prosaic and not action-oriented, but we need their camaraderie established, after all, before weirdness happens; we need to be invested in their relationship before it's threatened.

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    Replies
    1. Amelinda, that's exactly why I started the story where I did originally - to establish the closeness of the relationship between Annika and Ezekiel so his reality is more poignant and painful later. But if I look at the first chapter through the eyes of an agent or reader, who doesn't yet care about them, it does feel slow and like you don't know where it's headed. I'm still wrestling with how to build their pre-future relationship effectively in a flashback. Writerly problems...

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  12. Hi Kiernan!

    I really like the changes to the 500! It throws me in deep into Annika. Her confusion becomes mine. Like with any other story, you can establish her bond with her brother as you introduce characters, but my bond with her is the key!

    Having read this version, I think the word 'futuristic' in your pitch is doing more harm than good. I now see why you picked it, but it made me think she was time traveling when, in fact, it appears to be alternate reality/dimension travel. That confused me so much I wasn't able to glean your real story from the pitch. We and even our CPs get really close to our story so it's hard to see how these word choices can get mis-interpreted, so there's one outsider's view to weigh.

    Hope it was help! Best of luck!

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  13. Hi Kiernan!

    I really like the changes to the 500! It throws me in deep into Annika. Her confusion becomes mine. Like with any other story, you can establish her bond with her brother as you introduce characters, but my bond with her is the key!

    Having read this version, I think the word 'futuristic' in your pitch is doing more harm than good. I now see why you picked it, but it made me think she was time traveling when, in fact, it appears to be alternate reality/dimension travel. That confused me so much I wasn't able to glean your real story from the pitch. We and even our CPs get really close to our story so it's hard to see how these word choices can get mis-interpreted, so there's one outsider's view to weigh.

    Hope it was help! Best of luck!

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  14. Good writing. Great mystery build up. Threw her right into the realm, eh?

    Trying to form my opinion apart from your previous 500. They're so different. I didn't mind the relationship building emphasis before, again Hunger Games comes to mind (not that one has to do what others have done before, I'm simply saying it can work.) And, I liked the other 1st line better. I have a hard time believing the first thing she would notice is the color of her socks. The opening feels gimmicky to me. I think you felt that a reader might think that too, so you explain why that was your MC first thought in the second paragraph. Then counter your 'this is why' reasoning with both are equally valid. This all suggests a lack of confidence in your opening statement.

    All in all, it is still very good. This is your story, and I think both beginnings work in their own way. (Apart from explaining why the two room together). You know what's next. We don't ;)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comments Rollen! I haven't fully committed to this change, and am still playing around with both beginnings. The sibling relationship is so important to the story and to eventual stakes-setting that it's hard to give up as an opening. This new beginning was actually my second chapter, tweaked slightly so it makes sense as a first chapter. It does the job of starting right where the action is, but it will be much harder to establish the life she had before the change and why it's such a loss. It's helpful to read everyone's insight as I think through these things.

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    2. I'm curious about that rule "start where the action is." I've read several successful YA's that haven't. Clearly there are some than have too. Contradictory information abounds even from the successful authors.

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  15. Revision Critique:

    Hi Kiernan. So, I didn't critique your original 500, but I went back and read them as well. Wow! You changed everything!

    I have to say, I love this second opening scene. Technically, it's flawless. It draws us right into the conflict that's going to be central to the plot of your book and grounds us in a location. Everything reads really smoothly and it kept me completely engaged.

    The one thing I would suggest would be adding in a little more about your MC's personality and values. We get a lot here about her predicament, her surroundings, and her physical appearance, but not a lot about her as a person. If you opt to edit based on the critique above mine, you could accomplish this by changing your opening statement. Like instead of having your MC confused about the color of her socks, you could have her worry about her brother. Just a thought! It's your story of course.

    Great job. As I said, everything reads smoothly and this really held my interest.

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  16. Hi Kiernan, I didn't read your first excerpt, and rather than going back and reading the changes, I just gave this one a first read--and WOW! I love it. Futuristic settings are my favorite, and this one definitely has me interested--no phones, and status NG...yep, I'd keep reading in a heartbeat. I'm looking forward to seeing this finished and in print! Good luck!

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  17. Hi Kiernan,
    I love this opening. The intrigue of what the heck is going on is palpable, even the card she reads at the end only deepens the mystery. So good.
    Jacqueline #6

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  18. Kiernan,

    This beginning is so much better! I also think your pitch is much clearer. Great job! I'd totally read this!

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