Friday, July 24, 2015

#YayYA Entry #2

Name: Rollan Wengert


Genre: Historical Romance

Title: Zaide

Pitch: An unfinished Mozart Opera. The Sultan's favorite possession, Zaide falls in love with the slave Gomatz. With the help of slavemaster Allazim, they plot their escape to pursue their love. 

First 500:



The power of the picture is dead. Images bombard us, fighting for their place in our brains. A thousand words? More like, we use a thousand pictures for every word. In turn, we would think nothing of sharing our likeness with someone, even in the most casual of settings. Some say that’s a good thing. They say we’re being open and honest. But, are we so open and honest with complete strangers, that those close to us don’t know who we are? Or, have those close to us overlooked what we wanted to say, using us to serve their purposes? So, we search for those willing to listen.

Zaide had a picture. One picture. In those days, you had to be someone important to have one. A portrait. A talented soul painstakingly shaped and shaded each fine feature. If you had been lucky enough to have any, you wouldn’t give one away to a friend of a friend’s roommate.  Zaide kept hers in a pocket close to her heart. She had a love/hate relationship with the portrait. It was beautiful. Everyone said she was beautiful, but this picture carried a different kind of beauty. The picture was a portrait of who she wanted to be, not one of who she thought she was.

Crowded with dirty peasants, the port streets roared of rouges and merchants.  Janissary soldiers scanned from various posts. With a cloth fluttering from the top, their high, squared-off hats dared stowaways to press their luck.  African eunuchs waited behind Zaide. They wore gray, collarless outfits and their faces were as stoic.
The multi-domed palace loomed high-hilled at the horizon opposite the harbor. Rows of spear-tipped cypresses surrounded the path leading to the commanding center arch. Shrubs and trees dotted the hills surrounded the palace, clumping thicker in draws.  

The docks smelled the foul smells domesticated creatures. If only, for just one time, spices would be the only imports of the day. But, then Zaide wouldn’t have been there, for her lot was to welcome the new livestock. Zaide stood, trying to rid herself of any emotion. Trying to let herself stay hardened. The wind flailed the hem of her dress against her shins. The sea air strained through her veil filtering no muck vapors. She held her headscarf away from her eyes. She was not required to wear her coverings, but she just couldn’t do her job without it. She couldn’t bear it. She needed the protection.
Osmin faced the Barbary pirate ship. His arms crossed his chest as if they were stamped there. A scourge dangled from underneath his arm. It was his special whip with bits of shrapnel tied into the ends, ‘to make a good first impression.’  Beneath his curled mustache, his smile mirrored cruelly. His turban was red and gold. Again, he wanted more vibrancy. Anything to get them to remember him.  This was his Christmas morning.

“Do you think there will be any beautiful ones?” Osmin asked Zaide.


REVISION:

Name: Rollan Wengert
Genre: Historical Romance? Opera Retelling?
Title: Zaide
Pitch: Dumped and Brokenhearted, Mozart began the Opera Zaide. He never finished it... Taken from her home, Zaide, the sultan's favorite possession, falls in love with Gomatz, a slave. If discovered, they face torture and death. 

First 500:


The power of the picture is dead. Images bombard us, fighting for their place in our brains. (Thinking about killing this darling)

Zaide only had one picture. In those days, you had to be someone important to have one. A portrait. A talented soul painstakingly shaped and shaded each fine feature. If you had been lucky enough to have any, you wouldn’t give it away to a happenstance acquaintance.  Zaide kept hers in a pocket close to her heart. She had a love/hate relationship with the portrait. It was beautiful. Everyone said she was beautiful, but this picture carried a different kind of beauty. The picture was a portrait of who she wanted to be, not one of who she thought she was.

Crowded with dirty peasants, the port streets roared of rouges and merchants.  Janissary soldiers scanned from various posts. With a cloth fluttering from the top, their high, squared-off hats dared stowaways to press their luck.  African eunuchs waited behind Zaide. They wore gray, collarless outfits and their faces were as stoic.
The multi-domed palace loomed high-hilled at the horizon opposite the harbor. Rows of spear-tipped cypresses surrounded the path leading to the commanding center arch. Shrubs and trees dotted the hills that surrounded the palace, clumping thicker in draws. 

The docks smelled with foul smells of domesticated creatures. If only, for just one time, spices would be the only imports of the day. But, then Zaide wouldn’t have been there, for her lot was to welcome the new livestock. She stood, trying to rid herself of any emotion. Trying to let herself stay hardened. Trying not to have empathy for the new lot, caring was to be crushed by loss. The wind flailed the hem of her dress against her shins. The sea air strained through her veil filtering no muck vapors. She held her headscarf away from her eyes. She was not required to wear her coverings, but she just couldn’t do her job without it. She couldn’t bear it. The mask freed her to act cruelly.  

Osmin faced the Barbary pirate ship. His arms crossed his chest as if they were stamped there. A scourge dangled from underneath his arm. It was his special whip with bits of shrapnel tied into the ends, ‘to make a good first impression.’  Beneath his curled mustache, his smile twisted at each corner parallel. His turban was red and gold. Bright colors to get them to remember him.  His face carried the same glee Zaide’s cousins had held on Christmas morning.  

Her home crept its way into her mind. Oh Vienna, you were not good to me, but you were a far better cage...

“Do you think there will be any beautiful ones?” Osmin asked Zaide.

Zaide scowled beneath her veil.

“I have to find a wife for an honored slavemaster among this lot.” Osmin chuckled. “I would not want to waste a beautiful one on him.”

18 comments:

  1. Hi Rollan! Welcome back to #YayYA!

    Remember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!


    I've seen you mentioning this book in the Twitterverse. Despite not being a big opera fan, I kept thinking, "That sounds SO cool! An opera retelling? That's awesome!"

    Your pitch is good. You have five words to spare, if you want to use them.

    Your first 500 is really interesting. Personally, I'd cut the first paragraph. While interesting and philosophical, breaking the fourth wall probably isn't a good idea because for a second I thought we were going into first person, and then there we were in third. I think the elements of the first paragraph can be worked throughout the book as a whole.

    You set the scene well. My imagination goes nuts over this kind of world building, I love it.

    I think there may be a little head hopping between Zaide and Osmin. Make sure everything is from Zaide's perspective alone in this scene, if she's the MC. I'm also confused by the "Christmas morning" line.

    Otherwise, an engaging opening sequence with lovely worldbuilding. Happy Writing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. HI ROLLAN! I'm Laura :) Entry 007 (Bond, J... Ok, I'll get to the point)
    Since I can't use colors here, I'll use CAPS for my comments. I'll look like a screaming fan, but hey, what the heck! I wish you the best of luck if you enter PitchWars. Feel free to take my comments on board or just disregard them. You write beautifully, by the way :)

    Pitch: An unfinished Mozart Opera. The Sultan's favorite possession, Zaide falls in love with the slave Gomatz. With the help of slavemaster Allazim, they plot their escape to pursue their love.
    ADD A COMMA AFTER ZAIDE: THE SULTAN'S FAVORITE POSSESSION, ZAIDE, FALLS...
    OR JUST REWORD IT AS: ZAIDE, THE SULTAN'S FAVORITE POSSESSION, FALLS

    First 500:



    The power of the picture is dead. Images bombard us, fighting for their place in our brains. [I WOULD KEEP THIS BUT LOSE THE REST. AN OPENING LINE SHOULD BE SHORT. I LIKE THE OTHER PART TOO, BUT IT CLOGS YOUR BEGINNING WITH ABSTRACT DETAILS YOU CAN PLACE SOMEWHERE ELSE IN YOUR STORY. PLUS, IF YOU CUT IT OUT, YOUR OPENING LINE SERVES AS A CONNECTION WITH THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.

    Zaide had a picture. One picture. In those days, you had to be someone important to have one. A portrait. A talented soul painstakingly shaped and shaded each fine feature. If you had been lucky enough to have any, you wouldn’t give one away to a friend of a friend’s roommate. Zaide kept hers in a pocket close to her heart. She had a love/hate relationship with the portrait. It was beautiful. Everyone said she was beautiful, but this picture carried a different kind of beauty. The picture was a portrait of who she wanted to be, not one of who she thought she was.

    Crowded with dirty peasants, the port streets roared of rouges and merchants. Janissary soldiers scanned from various posts. With a cloth fluttering from the top, their high, squared-off hats dared stowaways to press their luck. African eunuchs waited behind Zaide. They wore gray, collarless outfits and their faces were as stoic.
    The multi-domed palace loomed high-hilled at the horizon opposite the harbor. Rows of spear-tipped cypresses surrounded the path leading to the commanding center arch. Shrubs and trees dotted the hills [AND?] surrounded the palace, clumping thicker in draws.

    The docks smelled the foul smells domesticated creatures. If only, for just one time, spices would be the only imports of the day. But, then Zaide wouldn’t have been there, for her lot was to welcome the new livestock. Zaide stood, trying to rid herself of any emotion. Trying to let herself stay hardened. The wind flailed the hem of her dress against her shins. The sea air strained through her veil filtering no muck vapors. She held her headscarf away from her eyes. She was not required to wear her coverings, but she just couldn’t do her job without it. She couldn’t bear it. She needed the protection.
    Osmin faced the Barbary pirate ship. His arms crossed his chest as if they were stamped there. A scourge dangled from underneath his arm. It was his special whip with bits of shrapnel tied into the ends, ‘to make a good first impression.’ Beneath his curled mustache, his smile mirrored cruelly. His turban was red and gold. Again, he wanted more vibrancy. Anything to get them to remember him. This was his Christmas morning. [JUST A QUESTION: DO THEY CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS IN YOUR STORY TO ADD THIS REFERENCE?]


    ALL IN ALL, I LIKE IT VERY MUCH. I AGREE WITH RACHEL. JUST LOSE PART OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH, BUT ANYHOW, I'D TOTALLY READ IT. I LOVE THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE THINGS, IT'S SO PEACEFUL AND VIVID :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Rollan! Nice to see you back at #YayYA!

    Hope I can give you a different perspective on your work! Starting from the top:

    Genre: The only recommendation I have here is to reconsider romance if you're not going to stick with the romance tropes of a Happily Ever After, etc. If it's Historical Fiction with a romantic storyline in it, just call it Historical Fiction.

    Pitch:
    I crave a little more clarity on where you're going with this story. Is it a novelization of Mozart's Opera plus your ending? Is it your version of the story Mozart started? These are two very different things.

    I would also recommend taking another pass at this trying to imbue some character voice into the description.

    First 500:

    First of all, I'm going to echo what the commenters before me have said and recommend you reconsider the first couple paragraphs OR make sure you really want to market this as YA.

    You're starting in a place with a voice that would work better for an adult novel. So, if this voice is important to you then you may want to really consider if you're positioning the market correctly.

    To take that sentiment one step further into the rest of your story, there's a rather flat voice here and the characters are a distant 3rd. These, again, are traits more commonly found in adult that don't always work as well in YA. When you're trying to attract a younger reader it's key to give them someone or something they can relate to. Or at least identify with. And the voice needs to be engaging (not childish, but strong) in a way that leads them to read more and more pages.

    I say all this because my comments would be significantly less pointed if you were trying to market this book differently, and hope that it gives you something new to think about.

    As always:

    MY CAVEAT: This is your work. These are your characters. If I’ve made any suggestion that goes against the characters, their voice, or your voice then you’re right and I’m wrong.

    I hope I've been of any help, and if I haven't then feel free to just brush my comments off!

    Best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Rollan!

      I see you tried to tighten things up, and are still struggling with some decisions. I'll just leave you with a couple points.

      1) I know Mozart is important to you, but if he doesn't have anything to do with the story leave him out of your pitch. It's eating up space you could be using to make your story compelling, right now it still reads a little generic.

      2) When I say I'm feeling distanced from Zaide, it's phrases like "In those days," and her clinical distance from her emotions that are doing that. This may be your intended effect, if it is then continue on, but if it isn't explore removing more of these filtering words and phrases and let us get closer to Zaide and allow us to experience her world a smidge more viscerally than aesthetically.

      Best of luck! I hope I've been of even a little help!

      Delete
    2. Oh just seeing this one, I was going straight to the end.
      I'm playing around with the pitches, but yes, Mozart is involved in the story, but that doesn't mean I need to put him in the pitch. Have to chew a bit. Yes, I am trying to convey a girl who is emotionally distancing herself from a horrible situation.

      Delete
  4. Hi Rollan,

    This is Kiernan at #4. I haven’t read previous comments so as not to be influenced, so apologies if I repeat things you’ve already heard.

    Your pitch is clear and succinct although you could ratchet up the stakes – what happens if they don’t escape (besides not getting to be together, are there more dire consequences?)

    Your first paragraph is well-written, but I’d start with your second, which feels more like a opening to me and has a more immediate hook. The only thing that stopped me in that 2nd paragraph was, “you wouldn’t give one away to a friend of a friend’s roommate.” Suddenly that sounded contemporary (the “roommate,” I think), instead of historical like the rest of your 500 words. Also, I wasn’t sure why you’d use that particular example unless it’s something she had actually done, or was going to do? Maybe be more general along the lines of, “you would never give it away.”

    Small proofing comment – think you’re missing a word in the first sentence of your 4th paragraph (an “of” between “smells” and “domesticated”?)

    Great job showing how despicable Osmin is one paragraph. I just met him, and detest him already. I wasn’t sure what “mirrored cruelly” meant though – was his smile mirroring something else?

    You have lots of great phrasing throughout. I particularly liked “Shaped and shaded each fine feature,” “the port streets roared,” “dared stowaways to press their luck.”

    Thanks for the opportunity to read!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey there, Rollan! (Jamie #19)

    First of all, I think this is some gorgeous writing, and I agree with the aforementioned comments, so I'll keep mine brief (so as to not repeat anything).

    General thought: This is something I challenge everyone to do. You seem very careful in your word choice, so you probably already know this, but I'd caution against overusing adverbs (per the Stephen King rule, lol. Of course, I'm not that hard core. I do think they can be used well, from time to time.) Search your MS for words that end in 'ly' and see if you can replace/eliminate them. It's a fun exercise and will push you to be creative and (even more) thoughtful in your word choice. But of course, always trust your voice. You have a very distinctive tone and your ears will let you know what to change/keep.

    Shrubs and trees dotted the hills surrounded the palace, clumping thicker in draws.- I think you might be missing 'that' between 'hills' and 'surrounded.' "...hills that surrounded the palace."

    The docks smelled the foul smells domesticated creatures.- This is the only line that read a bit off to me. Along with agreeing that there might be a missing word or two, to avoid repetition I might reword as follows: The docks smelled with the foul stench of domesticated creatures." (Or something.)

    One question: Zaide says she must stay hardened and not show emotion. What is tempting her to soften? Does she love the ocean? Is she excited about something or is it a special day? I loved the descriptions and you seem to have mastered your voice, but I read this one line and wondered, "What's getting under her skin here?" If you'd like, and feel it's appropriate, I'd hint at what's ruffling her.

    This is a strong entry, and depending on how you choose to market this, I think you'll have no trouble getting someone interested in this MS. Hope some of my comments were helpful to you and good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Rollan,
    I have read the other comments and agree. You have some beautiful images painted in this, but in YA we need to get to the inciting incident quickly.
    In the line about the soldiers "various" would be better as their.
    In the paragraph about Osmin, you don't need the line about more vibrancy because it's covered in the next.
    And about the Christmas line, I don't think it is historically accurate to a time before cameras in a country with a sultan.
    Again, gorgeous setting and the idea is very interesting.
    Jacqueline Eberli #6

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi Rollan! I'm Kosoko, Entry 001. So let's get down to business.

    Pitch: The Pitch reads a little disjointed to me, and that is just a style choice. Personally, complete connected sentences to me read better than simply disjointed short sentences. Especially not a combination of both. But of course, that's just a personal choice. You have 5 words to spare and I think you should use them to really make this pop.

    There should be, I think, a comma after "Zaide", since she is the Sultan's favorite possession, correct? It's its own clause and if you take it out, the sentence still reads correctly, so put a comma there.

    Now, correct me if I'm wrong but I think I'm right, this story is the uncompleted opera correct, the opera is not a tangible thing inside of the story? I think you should make that clear because when you start it with "an unfinished opera" it makes me think the opera is part of it. You can get around that by, I think, putting it at the end, much like how people put comps sometimes at the end of their pitches! Remember, you have those words, so use them if you can!

    Another personal choice. In the last sentence you have "They, their, their" three times. It's a lot. See if you can clean that up a little bit.

    First 500:

    The first paragraph feels very..."voice overy" and other people have said this, but I think you can cut this. I like it started as "Zaide only had 1 portrait", it captures me more. My eyes were glazing over during the first paragraph because I was confused, not because it was bad writing--but it felt disjointed.

    The voice is also distant, and I feel more like I'm on a tour and this is an interactive viewing happening with a tour guide speaking to me. As another said, you should consider if you wan't this YA. TRUST ME, I suffer from the same problems as you have with voice and finding myself in YA, so I understand. What might help is reading a comp title you have selected for this novel (the first that comes to your mind, you know your story best) and seeing how the voice is, and comparing. Everyone is different but you can get a feel for it.

    It takes us a full 2 paragraphs to really get back to Zaide, which is a lot. The first time I feel very connected to her is when you mention she is devoid of emotion. It's a good place to start, even before the "she has 1 portrait" line, because I can already feel here.

    I feel like your last paragraph with Osmin was AMAZING. I could picture him sitting next to me. The good news is that you can use that as a marker for how you write the rest as advice and a guide because the description is there--you have it, just need polished. The problem is I feel I learned more about Osmin from that one paragraph, than Zaide really from the whole 500 words. I think if you use Osmin's paragraph as a guide, you'll be great!

    Some final notes!

    - erroneous description should be cut or limited.
    - YA doesn't have to be simple, but too many descriptions can hurt you and make it read like its drowning in purple, which isn't common or appreciated (sadly) in YA.
    - Adult, obviously, can have young characters. I would consider marketing this as adult! I can already see a beautiful cover, an amazing story and a market for it. The other note I would like to make to WHY it might be great as adult is because you should consider how many young adult's watch, listen, know of , have gone to, or find Opera interesting. Just a note, and that's for marketing down the road.

    I didn't focus on grammar or anything like that, because that's not my strong suit. I'm a big picture, character person I hope this helps!

    If you want to run anything by me, talk more, or anything of the sorts my contact info is below! I'd be happy to discuss through email, beta read some, talk on twitter, etc!

    Good luck! I have high hopes for this!

    Kosoko Jackson
    kosoko.jackson@gmail.com
    @KosokoJackson

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi, Rolan. Writing a historical romance is a huge undertaking. You write well and your descriptions are vivid. I’m transported to another place, a different time.
    I wonder if it would be better to start immediately with Zaide instead of writing about the picture. After all, this is her story.
    Are you going to be telling Zaide’s story with different points of views? I was reading about and learning about Zaide, and then all of a sudden, without warning, I’m confronted with Osmin. This was confusing – at least to me.
    I love the premise, an Eastern forbidden love story reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet.
    Good luck!

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  9. Hi Rollan!

    Your pitch has a great hook, but do you need to list four characters? I think you can say what you want to say without discussing the sultan or the slave master. It would unclutter your pitch and give you more words to play with to discuss conflict.

    Your first 500 set the scene of the smelly dock, the noises, and the people. I think you might want to go deeper in the story however to begin. Is there a way you can start with Zaide interacting with the reader or another character and weave all of these great visuals into dialogue?

    Some grammatical stuff that I think others have already mentioned.

    Make sure that you are solidly in Zaide’s perspective and her observations of what Osmin is doing, how he is dressed, etc. I love the image of his turban, but I am confused by the reference to Christmas. I know what you are trying to do, but from the scene you have set, I wouldn’t think that they are Christian so Christmas wouldn’t be relative to their culture.

    You have a great scene set here! I would love to see where this goes.

    Good luck!-Kelly (#17)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hello, this is Maddie from entry three :D

    Pitch:

    I like what's inside the pitch-the ideas and conflicts-but I feel like the pitch can be reworded. A suggestion would be to possibly start with Zaide first and how she's "the Sultan's favorite possession." This could be reworded with, "most treasured possession." I have the impression that the Sultan won't be letting her go easy so maybe you can add that inside the pitch as conflict? Your premise is very intriguing :) It seems like it would be the ultimate back-stab for the slavemaster to help one of his slaves and Zaide escape.

    First 500 Words:

    Is this third-person omniscient? If it is, good capture of this tricky point-of-view. I think the first sentence can be cut out and the second-sentence should be your first-sentence. Maybe it can go something like this:
    "Images bombard us, fighting for their place in our brains. A thousand words? More like, we use a thousand pictures for every word-" and then you can start with "Zaide had a picture."
    -I think paragraphs three, four, and five can be shortened. The descriptions are a wee bit clunky. It would be a better idea to space out the descriptions throughout the first chapter.
    -"Osmin faced the Barbary pirate ship. His arms crossed his chest as if they were stamped there. A scourge dangled from underneath his arm. It was his special whip with bits of shrapnel tied into the ends, ‘to make a good first impression.’ Beneath his curled mustache, his smile mirrored cruelly. His turban was red and gold. Again, he wanted more vibrancy. Anything to get them to remember him. This was his Christmas morning."--I liked the introduction of Osmin and wanted to see him make an appearance sooner. The "Christmas Morning" line is a little confusing since this is a historical and I don't believe Christmas morning holds the same context as it does now. Unless this is third-person omniscient, then I take my words back about Christmas morning.

    Overall:

    -The premise and world-building are very interesting. Strong ideas are presented here when considering that Zaide lives in a world where she's a possession. Her choosing Gomatz (a slave) is Zaide choosing her own life, own will. Gomatz is deciding to make himself happy, too, and understands he's more than a slave. Sorry, I got carried away there. I think I just fell in lust with your premise :D

    ReplyDelete
  11. Revision Notes:

    Hey Rollan, (Jamie #19)

    Wow! You did a great job incorporating the comments/suggestions you were given, and this sparkles even more than it did before. It's amazing what a difference removing that first paragraph did for the piece. (If you choose the kill the darling, I think it would strengthen your piece. But keep it in a folder somewhere so you can maybe find a place to work it in later, or just to remember it. I have to do that with my darlings sometimes. I feel your pain!) And those few lines you added which describe Zaide as trying not to care for the slaves really gives some great insight into her personality and sets us up for her falling in love with a slave later. The only thing I would still recommend changing is "smells" to "stench" to avoid repetition. But trust your voice. This is a great excerpt and I think you're going to do very well with this! Good luck!

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  12. Revision Critique:

    So, I didn't read this excerpt the first time around, but oh my word, I love what you're doing here. The idea of an opera retelling is fascinating, and your setting jumps right off the page. Zaide's character is well-established too. I can't wait to read this when it comes out in print. (Which I strongly believe it will)

    I agree with Jamie that the first sentence should be cut. Starting your story with Zaide and her picture is a much stronger opening. Besides that the only thing that really stood out to me was the phrase "love/hate relationship." That's a very modern turn of phrase. Replacing it with a sentence that conveys the same idea but maintains the historical feel of your story will help with the flow of the writing.

    Besides that, this looks excellent. I love what you've written here.

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  13. Hi, Rollan. Wonderful job. I would eliminate the first part - kill the darling, but other than that, I find no fault. Zaide's character is clearer now, as is Osmin's. Looking forward to reading this.

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  14. Hi Rollan, I'm loving the idea of an opera retelling, and like the others above, I think the first sentence should be cut, but the rest of this is beautifully done. I love the way Zaide's voice jumps out at the reader, and I'm curious about the picture. I would definitely keep reading. Great work!

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  15. Kill your darling, Rollan! Your opening is much stronger without it. I love your first paragraph now, it's a great setup for the world and Zaide's character. There was really only one phrase here that stopped me: "The mask freed her to act cruelly." From the little I know of Zaide so far it's hard to imagine she would actually be cruel. Cold, yes; dispassionate, definitely. So think about softening that. I continue to love your phrases and imagery. I don't read a lot of historical fiction, but this opening does make me want to learn more.

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  16. Hi Rollan,
    It's a beautiful darling, but yes it needs to die. The opening is much stronger and with the little bits of insight into the fact that she is expected to be cruel and hates it and the last lines with Osmin make the scene have more movement than it did before. Well done!
    Jacqueline #6

    ReplyDelete