Friday, July 24, 2015

#YayYA Entry #19

Name: Jamie Rusovick-Smith

Twitter Handle: @Therealslimjym

Genre: Historical Fantasy

Title: Mystified

35- Word pitch: Seventeen-year-old Helena runs from an arranged marriage and right into Mother Nature's war on Humankind. After falling for Mother's deadliest weapon, she must choose: survival and an unhappy marriage, or love and imminent death.
First 500: 

Curse this stormwhy hadn’t I thought to run away when the weather was more agreeable?
Pressing through the darkness, Helena trembled, losing speed as the rain soaked into her gown, and turned the dirt beneath her feet into mud. She grasped at low tree branches, pulling her way through the mess. It was tedious, arduous work, yet she refused to stop. The rough wood scraped her delicate hands and the branches snagged at her long, wavy hair, which had fallen from its customary bun. But she set her jaw and reminded herself why she was running.
Trampling of horse hoofs sounded somewhere in the distance. But whether they were the horses of strangers that would help her escape, or her father’s horse along with some of the townsmen gaining behind her, she couldn’t tell.
“I will choose my path,” Helena murmured. “No one else.”
After a few hours, the forest began to thin. The clopping of hoofs had indeed come from ahead of her, for she now saw a wagon being pulled down a narrow, cobble road.
“Hello?” she called, almost too exhausted to speak.
The rain muted her weak voice. Clearing her throat, she called out again. A baritone shouted a command, and the horses slowed. A gentle smile graced Helena’s lips as she stumbled toward the front of the wagon.
She imagined her mother saying, Foolish girl. Did you not listen when I told you of strangers? These could be thieves or godless gypsies! Tread with caution, Angel!
Angel… The sentiment stopped her in her tracks. 
Her mother had passed away only a few months ago. Perhaps she wasn’t imagining the warning. Perhaps her mother, from the other side, was indeed there and deep-in-her-heart concerned. Helena shook her head. It was too late now. She must beg for passage with the unknown driver of the wagon before she was caught. And while he may well be a murderer, and this choice might result in her death, Helena felt it would still be preferable to the fate which awaited her at home.
Breaching the front of the wagon, lit by a single swaying lantern, Helena’s heart sank as her eyes locked with those of the gruff looking driver. He wore a black cape, with the hood pulled on to avoid the rain, but it did nothing to hide to enormity of his body. He was tall, his legs bending at odd angles to fit in the seat, and his meaty hands, which held the reigns, matched his thick arms and torso. Yet it was the depth of his coal black eyes that frightened her, more so than the scowl on his rigid face, for they showed no sign of compassion. 
But he stoppedThat was his choice.
Taking a deep breath, she said, “Begging your pardon, but I’m in desperate need of your help. If I could only ride with you to the next town, I’d be very grateful.”

REVISION:

Pitch:

Seventeen-year-old, tenacious-runaway Helena stumbles into Mother Nature’s war on humankind. After falling for Conley- the embodiment of fire and Mother’s deadliest weapon- she must choose: survival and a loveless marriage, or love and imminent death.


First 500:

Helena trembled as she pressed through the darkness, losing speed as the rain soaked into her gown and turned the dirt beneath her feet into mud. Irregular flashes of lightening illuminated the otherwise obscure night, as she grasped at low tree branches and pulled her way through the mess. The rough wood scraped her delicate hands, and snagged at her long hair which hung in a damp curtain around her shoulders. Her shoes squelched with each step. She tripped when her dress tore on a bush.  But she set her jaw and reminded herself why she was running.
“I will choose my path,” Helena murmured. “No one else.”
The echoing of horse hooves sounded somewhere in the distance. Whether they were the horses of strangers that could help her escape, or her father’s horse along with some of the townsmen gaining behind her, she couldn’t tell. Helena forced herself onward and the forest began to thin. The clopping had indeed come from ahead of her. Just beyond the tree line, a wagon was being pulled down a narrow, cobbled road.
“Hello?” she called, almost too exhausted to speak.
The rain muted her weak voice. Clearing her throat, she called out again. A baritone voice shouted a command, and the horses slowed. Helena smiled, albeit a tired one, as she stumbled toward the front of the wagon.
Foolish girl, her mother warned. Did you not listen when I told you of strangers? These could be thieves or godless gypsies! Tread with caution, Angel!
Angel… The sentiment stopped her in her tracks. 
Her mother had passed away only a few months ago. Perhaps she wasn’t imagining the warning. Perhaps her mother, from the other side, was indeed there and concerned. Helena shook her head. It was too late now. She must beg for passage from the unknown driver before she was caught. And while he may well be a murderer, and this choice might result in her death, Helena felt it would still be preferable to the fate that awaited her at home.
Reaching the front of the wagon, lit by a single swaying lantern, Helena’s heart sank as her eyes locked with those of the driver. He wore a black cape, with the hood pulled on to avoid the rain, but it did nothing to hide the enormity of his body. His legs bent at odd angles to fit in the seat, and his meaty hands, which held the reins, matched his thick arms and torso. Yet it was the depth of his coal-black eyes that unnerved her for they showed little compassion. 
But he stopped.
Taking a deep breath, she said, “Begging your pardon, but I’m in desperate need of your help. If I could only ride with you to the next town, I’d be very grateful.”

19 comments:

  1. Hi Jamie, I gave your entry a first read tonight and I'm getting a good sense of the setting and your MC's voice. I'll give more in-depth feedback over the weekend and into next week.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pitch: I'd strike the first "and" - not needed. Might also omit the caps on humankind. Second "and" might work better as "in." Is there a stronger, more evocative adjective you could use than "unhappy"? Are we talking abusive or loveless?

    First 500: Evocative setting here! I think you can make some adjustments to amp it up even further.

    I'd strike the opening line and just start with her trudging through the woods. You can add even more sense details here and omit some adjectives to show us how arduous the trek is vs. telling us: you could have the dress heavy with water or tripping her, the mud cold and soaking through her shoes; the darkness would be pretty much complete, unless there's lightning, so the light from the approaching wagon might be worth emphasizing.

    I think I would start where the forest is thinning - that way you can keep everything in the moment instead of jumping over a few hours in the first few paragraphs. She could be thinking anxiously about the hoofbeats she heard a while back.

    Some of the delicacy of your MC seems a little out of place - "delicate hands," "long wavy hair," "a gentle smile graced her lips" - considering that she's exhausted and stumbling desperately through the woods, I'm not sure these details fit. I think some grittier reactions and sensory details might give us a stronger sense both of her situation and her determination.

    I'm guessing "breaching" may be a typo for "reaching" the front of the wagon? I'd strike "gruff-looking" - your other description takes care of this - as well as "that was his choice".

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, Jamie: Your pitch intrigued me. What is Mother’s deadliest weapon? I want to know, and this makes me want to read further.

    I like your voice. Your descriptions are vivid. A great beginning to what I believe is a great story.

    I only have two editing ideas that you can use or not, to your liking. The first has to do with the beginning of the story and the second on the word breaching.

    [Helena trembled as she pressed through the darkness, losing]
    [Breaching makes me think of a whale – can you think of a different word to use here?]


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  4. Hi, Jamie,

    Your pitch give lots of information and I have two thoughts on it. Humankind might flow better if you use humanity and go lowercase (for either choice). Any chance of saying who the weapon is? Boy, girl, other? You mention marriage twice in the pitch. If you condense that to one, you will probably have enough words to tell us about the love interest.


    Be careful when you begin a sentence with But. I do it myself, but I try and make sure the instances are not very close. It appears a couple of times in the opening paragraphs. My rule for my students is: If you need to do it for effect or voice, go ahead. Make sure it is spare and necessary to use it. End of school talk!

    I think you need the word The before trampling of hooves.

    At the end of the line: "preferable to the fate which awaited her at home," can you tell what it is she is running from? Maybe an em dash and "an arranged marriage to a man thirty years her senior." Now we know why she's running and the wagon's starting to look pretty good.

    Hope my comments help!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hiya Jamie :)

    Pitch: Oh man, I love the idea of Mother Nature battling humankind. Your pitch makes me want to read it and it's pretty smooth. I would agree with perhaps finding a different word than unhappy to really show the stakes of why that marriage isn't for her. I don't mind not knowing exactly what Mother's deadliest weapon is, it intrigues me and makes me want to read to find out.

    500:

    I like being thrown into her trek right away, it pulls me in to her plight and I like the juxtaposition between the roughness of the wood and her delicate hands, it makes me realize she's not one used to running around in the woods.

    The paragraph that starts with --After a few hours-- sort of pulls me out of the moment. Especially as you mention the sounds of horses and then again right after. It feels like that's not something you would be constantly hearing late at night without running into said horses within that time span.

    Perhaps it would be more effective leaving the time part out.

    The idea of her mother warning her is endearing and I like the way you slipped her personality in there when she imagines what her mom would say in that situation.

    I agree with the others that breaching might not be the best word. Also you do such a great job of describing the driver I also agree with the above that telling that he's gruff looking is a bit redundant.

    All in all there isn't much I think needs changing. You keep the tension going throughout and I would totally read on. I love the idea of Mother Nature being something with a personality and that alone would have me interested enough to pick up and read :) Can't wait to see what you do with your revision.

    Cass

    ReplyDelete
  6. I really enjoyed your piece. The only comments I could come up with were more about sentence/story flow and keeping your tenses in check. Over all very good. I doubt you need too much revising. Good luck!


    35- Word pitch: Seventeen-year-old Helena runs from an arranged marriage and right into Mother Nature's war on Humankind. After falling for Mother's deadliest weapon, she must choose: survival and an unhappy marriage, or love and imminent death. (Super pumped about your pitch. Sounds like a book blurb already)


    First 500: 

    Curse this storm; why hadn’t I thought to run away when the weather was more agreeable? (I don’t think the italics are needed)
    Pressing through the darkness, Helena trembled, losing speed as the rain soaked into her gown, (watch your verb tenses) and turned the dirt beneath her feet into mud. She grasped at low tree branches, pulling her way through the mess. It was tedious, arduous work, yet she refused to stop. The rough wood scraped her delicate hands and the branches snagged at her long, wavy hair, which had fallen from its customary bun. (Check wording. Last sentence is a little off) But she set her jaw and reminded herself why she was running.
    Trampling of horse hoofs sounded somewhere in the distance. But whether they were the horses of strangers that would help her escape, or her father’s horse along with some of the townsmen gaining behind her, she couldn’t tell.
    “I will choose my path,” Helena murmured. “No one else.”
    After a few hours, the forest began to thin. The clopping of hoofs had indeed come from ahead of her, for she now saw a wagon being pulled down a narrow, cobble road.
    “Hello?” she called, almost too exhausted to speak.
    The rain muted her weak voice. Clearing her throat, she called out again. A baritone shouted a command, and the horses slowed. A gentle smile graced Helena’s lips as she stumbled toward the front of the wagon.
    She imagined her mother saying, Foolish girl. Did you not listen when I told you of strangers? These could be thieves or godless gypsies! Tread with caution, Angel!
    Angel… The sentiment stopped her in her tracks. 
    Her mother had passed away only a few months ago. Perhaps she wasn’t imagining the warning. (Love that part) Perhaps her mother, from the other side, was indeed there and deep-in-her-heart concerned. Helena shook her head. It was too late now. She must beg for passage with the unknown driver of the wagon before she was caught. And while he may well be a murderer, and this choice might result in her death, Helena felt it would still be preferable to the fate which awaited her at home. (Tighten up this paragraph. Keep the tension up)
    Breaching the front of the wagon, lit by a single swaying lantern, Helena’s heart sank as her eyes locked with those of the gruff looking driver. He wore a black cape, with the hood pulled on to avoid the rain, but it did nothing to hide to enormity of his body. He was tall, his legs bending at odd angles to fit in the seat, and his meaty hands, which held the reigns, matched his thick arms and torso. Yet it was the depth of his coal black eyes that frightened her, more so than the scowl on his rigid face, for they showed no sign of compassion. (Easy on the description, less can be more so it doesn’t sound too info dumpy)
    But he stopped. That was his choice. (Skip the italics)
    Taking a deep breath, she said, “Begging your pardon, but I’m in desperate need of your help. If I could only ride with you to the next town, I’d be very grateful.”

    ReplyDelete
  7. I will do what I can to add something different. All in all, it was pretty good. The pacing was nice. With the first line, I wonder in a wet, sopping teen, would think with such proper terms as 'more agreeable'. But, it is historical fantasy, so who knows? I simply didn't get a sense of misery from the term. Only other thing I would add: season adjectives lighter.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Jamie!

    My first impression is that this looks great. The writing's really polished and the scene is engaging. There are just a couple things that stood out to me. When the wagon driver addresses your MC, could specify a baritone voice, as opposed to just saying baritone? It's a little confusing as worded.

    The phrase "deep-in-her-heart" seems a bit clunky. Could it just be "deeply"? That would read more smoothly. Also "Breaching" doesn't seem like the word you're looking for. "Reaching the front of the wagon" makes more sense as a reader. "Reigns" ought to be "reins" as well.

    Besides those little technical things, it looks great. You've done a great job of nailing the 18th/19th century voice!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hello Jamie!!

    Remember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!

    Your pitch looks good. You can probably cut "an" before "arranged marriage" and "right" before into. Also "an" before "unhappy marriage." That gives you three more words to do what you like with, and I suggest using at least one of them toward describing your heroine because currently all that establishes her is liking this guy and not that guy.

    You have an interesting premise, but it's a premise similar to the over marketed angel and demon YA where the fallen angel or repentant demon or what have you falls for the teen girl MC. This stuff is way out of vogue in the market, and this isn't to discourage you, but rather to encourage you to stress the unique elements of your story.

    For your first five hundred:

    It's usually not a great idea to start with dialogue, even internal. Otherwise this is an interesting voice you have. I can see what you're doing, going for the old literary-esque feel, because I did that for the story I'll be entering into #PitchWars, and you did an excellent job! However I do know how hard it is when using such a voice to not overuse adverbs and adjectives, so just keep an eye out for them. Set yourself a page limit of how many adverbs/adjectives per page. I did this for myself and it worked editorial wonders :D

    Altogether this looks like a great story! Happy Writing!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi Jamie,

    Intro to critique:
    First, allow me to say thank you for being so brave as to put your work out there for praise and criticism. It’s never easy to send writing efforts into the world, and it’s even harder to do it when you know people are going to be reviewing it with a fine-toothed comb.

    Also, please remember that this is your work, and mine is only one opinion. So, take what you like and leave what you don’t.

    When I see some technical edits that need to be made, I’ll put them directly in the text in [brackets] so that you know it’s mine and you know exactly where the edit should be made. I think it’ll allow me to focus more on the story, plot, characters, etc., rather than on the copyediting.

    Pitch:
    I’m going to focus on your 35-word pitch first.

    “Seventeen-year-old Helena runs from an arranged marriage and right into Mother Nature's war on Humankind. After falling for Mother's deadliest weapon, she must choose: survival and an unhappy marriage, or love and imminent death.”: This is an unusual premise, so it definitely gets my attention. I especially like the choice at the end, as it feels powerful and dire. I’m a little confused by the “falling for Mother’s deadliest weapon” bit, which makes me think the weapon is someone rather than a something, and if that’s the case, then it makes the premise even more interesting.

    Entry:
    Curse this storm; why hadn’t I thought to run away when the weather was more agreeable?
    Pressing through the darkness, Helena trembled, losing speed as the rain soaked into her gown[, unneeded comma] and turned the dirt beneath her feet into mud. She grasped at low tree branches, pulling her way through the mess. It was tedious, arduous work, yet she refused to stop. The rough wood scraped her delicate hands[,] and the branches snagged at her long, wavy hair, which had fallen from its customary bun. [But] she set her jaw and reminded herself why she was running.
    Trampling [Wrong word. Trampling means “crushing”. Maybe you meant Galloping?] of horse hoofs sounded somewhere in the distance. [But] whether they were the horses of strangers that would help her escape, or her father’s horse along with some of the townsmen gaining behind her, she couldn’t tell.
    “I will choose my path,” Helena murmured. “No one else.”
    After a few hours, the forest began to thin. The clopping of hoofs [hooves] had indeed come from ahead of her, for she now saw a wagon being pulled down a narrow, cobble[d] road.
    “Hello?” she called, almost too exhausted to speak.
    The rain muted her weak voice. Clearing her throat, she called out again. A baritone shouted a command, and the horses slowed. A gentle smile graced Helena’s lips as she stumbled toward the front of the wagon. [We’ve been really close to the MC up to this point, but when you said a “gentle smile graced her lips” you suddenly put us in the head of a third-party ghost standing off to the side watching the scene. Before we were with her—in her. Try not to slip away from your MC.]
    She imagined her mother saying, Foolish girl. Did you not listen when I told you of strangers? These could be thieves or godless gypsies! Tread with caution, Angel!
    Angel… The sentiment stopped her in her tracks.
    Her mother had passed away only a few months ago. Perhaps she wasn’t imagining the warning. Perhaps her mother, from the other side, was indeed there and deep-in-her-heart concerned. Helena shook her head. It was too late now. She must beg for passage with the unknown driver of the wagon before she was caught. And while he may well be a murderer, and this choice might result in her death, Helena felt it would still be preferable to the fate which[that] awaited her at home.

    ReplyDelete
  11. (Continued from above)
    Breaching the front of the wagon, lit by a single swaying lantern, Helena’s heart sank as her eyes locked with those of the gruff looking driver. He wore a black cape, with the hood pulled on to avoid the rain, but it did nothing to hide to[the] enormity of his body. He was tall, his legs bending at odd angles to fit in the seat, and his meaty hands, which held the reigns, matched his thick arms and torso. Yet it was the depth of his coal black eyes that frightened her, more so than the scowl on his rigid face, for they showed no sign of compassion.
    But he stopped. That was his choice.
    Taking a deep breath, she said, “Begging your pardon, but I’m in desperate need of your help. If I could only ride with you to the next town, I’d be very grateful.”

    Hi Jamie!
    I made a few notes throughout the text in brackets, so look for those. I didn’t make edits in the same way that I did for others because honestly I just got wrapped up in the story. It’s well written, there aren’t many technical errors, and in general it holds my attention and keep me interested. The areas that kind of made me question the authenticity of an action lay mainly at the end when she describes the man. You see, he looks so sinister, I find it hard to believe that a young girl would have gone ahead with the request for a ride. Of course, she’s probably exhausted and hungry, but the man frightens her and he shows no compassion. So, it just makes me think she wouldn’t have gone through with it.
    Consider lightening her initial impression of him—almost like she’s just so thankful it isn’t her father and he’s in a cart so there’s room for her, and then let the sinister aspects of the man come out as they travel together. Then the whole aspect of her getting in the cart becomes more believable.
    Other than that, I really don’t have much to add that wasn’t already covered above. You’ve got a great beginning and I’m interested. Great work, and good luck with the rewrite!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hello Jamie!!

    Again, thank you for taking a look at mine. I'm returning the favor. I think you are on the right track, and it looks like you've received some great feed back to far. Just a couple things I think could polish your pitch and first 500! Great job, I still want to read this!!

    Pitch: Seventeen-year-old Helena runs from an arranged marriage and right into Mother Nature's war on Humankind. After falling for Mother's deadliest weapon, she must choose: survival and an unhappy marriage, or love and imminent death. [I think the first sentence would read better if you did: Seventeen-year-old Helena runs from an arranged marriage and into Mother Nature's war on humanity. I love the stakes here. She really has a hard choice to make, which makes this a good read!]

    Curse this storm; why hadn’t I thought to run away when the weather was more agreeable? [I wouldn't start with this internal dialogue as your first sentence. It doesn't give your story any justice. I think starting with her trudge through the forest works better.

    Trampling of horse hoofs sounded somewhere in the distance. But whether they were the horses of strangers that would help her escape, or her father’s horse along with some of the townsmen gaining behind her, she couldn’t tell. [In 'horses of strangers that would...' I would use 'could' instead of 'would'. This show us her intent to flee.]

    “I will choose my path,” Helena murmured. “No one else.” [Good job with this. We can see she's a strong MC with her own agenda!]

    After a few hours, the forest began to thin. The clopping of hoofs had indeed come from ahead of her, for she now saw a wagon being pulled down a narrow, cobble road. [I agree with the comment that you should strike the 'After a few hours'. It does sort of pull you out of the story because you are thinking about the time that has passed. I would also split the second sentence into two for example: The clopping of hoofs had indeed come from ahead of her. There was a wagon being pulled down a narrow, cobble road.]

    The rain muted her weak voice. Clearing her throat, she called out again. A baritone shouted a command, and the horses slowed. A gentle smile graced Helena’s lips as she stumbled toward the front of the wagon. [Again, good job with this!]

    She imagined her mother saying, Foolish girl. Did you not listen when I told you of strangers? These could be thieves or godless gypsies! Tread with caution, Angel! [This is the other place where it pulled me from the story. When you use the word imagined, it's a filter word with has the tendency to yank the read from the story because you are now pointing out we are seeing the story though a third party. You want the reader immersed in your story. Here is a great article that seriously opened my eyes and already my writing has improved. https://litreactor.com/essays/chuck-palahniuk/nuts-and-bolts-%E2%80%9Cthought%E2%80%9D-verbs ]

    She must beg for passage with the unknown driver of the wagon before she was caught. [I would take out 'with' and insert 'from']

    And while he may well be a murderer, and this choice might result in her death, Helena felt it would still be preferable to the fate which awaited her at home. [Wow, this stinks. She'd rather die than go home. The stakes are loud and clear!]

    Good job Jamie! I love it and I can't wait to see your revisions!

    Monica M. Hoffman #12

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hello there :) This is Maddie from entry three

    Pitch:

    -I really like the pitch :) I remember the first time I read this, this was one of the most memorable to me. The only concrit I can offer is maybe for you to rephrase "arranged marriage." Arranged marriages are often common in fantasy young adult novels so this might make the pitch sound a bit redundant. Maybe you can use the phrase "death-trap marriage" or "loveless marriage."

    First 500 Words:

    -"But she set her jaw and reminded herself why she was running."-I really thought this was an awesome line right here. I feel like you could shift this line up to be the second-sentence, and then move the other sentences downwards and it would read with a bigger punch.
    -"After a few hours, the forest began to thin"-I'm not sure if showing a few hours passing within the first 500 words is the best thing to do. Mentally, I feel like this halted the story. Maybe you can begin with her being near the cobble road and running there?
    -"He wore a black cape, with the hood pulled on to avoid the rain, but it did nothing to hide to enormity of his body."-I think the third "to" was supposed to be "the."

    Overall:

    -I like the variety and word choices in your writing. The only concrit I have left to offer is maybe the first 500 words can be more atmospheric. I felt like your pitch was really, really good and had an atmospheric feel to it.

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  14. Hello Jamie!!

    Your revisions are awesome. First your pitch reads much better now and I understand it right off! Good job. For the first 500, the first paragraph read so much better, smoother and focused. I find myself rooting for Helena, wanting her to get away! Fantastic overall, and good luck!! Can't wait to see this in print!

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  15. Nothing pops out to me as in desperate need of improving. It's very good. One little thing, maybe I would suggest is remove 'horse' from 'horse hooves' b/c the word horse is used a lot in the paragraph and, most people (I think) would assume hooves belong to horses (I know that other animals have hooves). I think it sounds good with 'hooves' alone as well. But' I'm not that bothered by it.

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  16. Hi Jamie,

    Great work on the revisions! I'm looking forward to seeing this in print.

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  17. Hi, Jamie. This version is so much better! You did a wonderful job revising. I can't see anything to add. Good luck with your writing career!

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  18. Hi Jamie,
    This is a strong opening. I love the idea of a sentient Mother Nature with flaws like the Greek Gods. The only note I have is that Lightening, should be lightning. Good job!
    Jacqueline #6

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    Replies
    1. Oh my lands, thank you for catching that!!!! LOL.

      Delete