Friday, July 24, 2015

#YayYA Entry #12

Name: Monica M. Hoffman

Genre: Science Fiction

Title: The Atlantic Bond

35-Word pitch: 
Through a neural bond a 17-year-old pilot discovers her humanoid robot’s sentient glitch. To save him and her heart, she must find the source and expose it before he’s dismantled, risking her own exile.

First 500: 
I am nervous.
They teach us to turn our nerves into motivation. To push through our doubts. Sitting in the Cadet Training Center, I’m finding this strategy difficult. The massive sign called The Life pulls my attention as it begins its daily notification of the remaining humans left on earth. Most days, I feel the sign is a cruel reminder of our fragility. Today, somehow the pesky red numbers remind me why I’m sitting here. Eight hundred thousand fifty-

“Cadet Thornhill, it’s time.” Several seconds pass before the receptionist’s words sink in and I notice the anxious twitch in my leg.

“Don’t crash, Thornhill.” Two Cadets snicker at me from across the room, studying me as if I’m a rare animal about to do a stupid trick. They want me to fail. My cheeks flush with heat as I stand and brush the wrinkles from my air suit, silently choking on their potent cologne. I can almost taste the bitterness.

Ugh, Jo.

Josephine Lovett was the first female Jockey a decade ago and the subject in most of my private outbursts. Jo, with her flagrant misdeeds, left behind crater-sized potholes and no map to avoid them. I hope someone finds the cave she’s hiding in—I’d love to tell her where to shove it.

Beneath the Cadets’ scowls, I see the fear and uncertainty. They probably don’t even know why they hate me. No matter. Their hatred is the fuel that will get me through this exam. I can’t show weakness. I can’t show fear. Trip, and they’ll make sure I never get up.

“Good luck on your exams,” I say, clasping my hands behind my back. Ignoring their crude remarks, I spin on my heels and march through a hallway entrance.

The red blinking light stops as I approach the steel door at the end of the hall. Grant Hammersmith spills into the hall, skidding to a halt the moment our eyes meet. He doesn’t have to say a word, his glower is loud and clear as he scans me from my untidy bun to my steel-toed boots. He huffs before he stomp towards the lobby like a child whose parents took away his favorite toy. His exam didn’t go well. I smile.

“Cadet.” Captain Mayhew stands outside the door, frowning.

I start past him, but I’m hindered by his beefy hand on my arm. “Sir?” 

“Remember,” he says, tightening his grip, “your last name won’t do you any favors here.” After several moments, I let my head nod. He releases my arm and I follow him into the room.

I can hear my pulse for the first time all morning. It’s deafening.

“You know the drill,” he continues, hitting a button on the wall to close the door. “Instruction will be given to you once you’re in the Pod.”

I salute him. 

“Pod 5, Cadet.” 



REVISION:

Name: Monica M. Hoffman
Genre: Science Fiction

Title: The Atlantic Bond

35-Word pitch: 
Through a neural bond, a seventeen-year-old pilot, Zara Thornhill, falls for her Android with a forbidden sentient glitch. When he’s discovered, she must expose the glitch before he’s dismantled, risking exile and a broken heart. 

First 500: 
Our superiors teach us to turn our nerves into motivation. To push through our doubts. Sitting in the Cadet Testing Center, I’m finding this strategy difficult. A loud bang from the massive sign pulls my attention through the window as it begins its notification of the remaining humans left on earth. Three high-pitched chimes reverberate from The Life, announcing the new lives brought into the terraformed waste land we call earth. Most days, each clang is a cruel reminder of our fragility. Today, the six red numbers remind me why I’m sitting here. Humanity is on the endangered species list. 
“Cadet, Zara Thornhill, it’s time.” Several seconds pass before the receptionist’s words sink in. I exhale.
“Don’t crash, Thornhill.” Two Cadets snicker at me from across the room, studying me as if I’m a rare animal about to do a stupid trick. They want me to fail. My cheeks flush with heat as I stand and brush the wrinkles from my air suit, choking on their potent cologne. I almost taste the bitterness. Beneath the Cadets’ scowls, there’s fear and uncertainty. I doubt they even know why they hate me. I blame Josephine Lovette, the first female Jockey a decade ago. “Jo the Terrorist” and “Josephine Lovette the Criminal”, plagued the headlines for months. But if you ask anyone, nobody can articulate what she did to get kicked out of the military and banished. 
All I know, Jo’s flagrant misdeeds left me with crater-sized potholes and no map to avoid them. I can’t show weakness. I can’t show fear. Trip, and they’ll make sure I never get up. I hope someone finds the cave she’s hiding in—I’d love to tell her where to shove it.
I wink. “Good luck on your exams.” Clasping my hands behind my back, I spin on my heels and march through the arched entrance before they can retort.
The red blinking light stops as I approach the steel door. Grant Hammersmith spills into the hall, skidding to a halt the moment our eyes meet. He doesn’t have to say a word, his glower is loud and clear as he scans me from my untidy bun to my steel-toed boots. He huffs before he stomps toward the lobby like a child whose parents took away his favorite toy. His exam didn’t go well. I smile.
“Cadet.” Captain Mayhew stands outside the door, frowning.
I start past him, but his beefy hand on my arm stops me. “Sir?” 
“Remember,” he says, tightening his grip, “your last name won’t do you any favors here.” After several moments, I nod. He releases my arm and I follow him into the room, pulse quickening. “This is the final exam,” he continues, hitting a button on the wall to close the door. “Your actions today will determine if you’re cut out to be a Jockey. Instruction will be given once you’re in the Pod.” 
I salute him. “Yes, Sir.”
“Pod 5, Cadet.”

40 comments:

  1. Hi Monica, I'm liking how you develop the story in your dialogue! I'm giving a quick first read through the entries tonight, but look for more in-depth and thorough feed back later this weekend and into next week!

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  2. Hi Monica! I'm Laura, entry 007 (license to critique (but like an evil James Bond meets Mr. Burns))
    Feel free to disregard my comments or take them on board. I have no choice but to write ALL IN CAPS to distinguish my notes :) I hope it's OK.

    I DON'T REALLY SEE ANYTHING I WOULD CHANGE RIGHT NOW. I LIKE HOW YOU MIX EMOTION WITH PLOT AND HOW YOU DEVELOP THE STORY THROUGH DIALOGUE.

    I am nervous.
    They teach us to turn our nerves into motivation. To push through our doubts. Sitting in the Cadet Training Center, I’m finding this strategy difficult. The massive sign called The Life pulls my attention as it begins its daily notification of the remaining humans left on earth. Most days, I feel the sign is a cruel reminder of our fragility. Today, somehow the pesky red numbers remind me why I’m sitting here. Eight hundred thousand fifty- [I DON'T GET THIS EIGHT THOUSAND... BUT I GUESS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT THIS IS YET.]

    “Cadet Thornhill, it’s time.” Several seconds pass before the receptionist’s words sink in and I notice the anxious twitch in my leg.

    “Don’t crash, Thornhill.” Two Cadets snicker at me from across the room, studying me as if I’m a rare animal about to do a stupid trick. They want me to fail. My cheeks flush with heat as I stand and brush the wrinkles from my air suit, silently choking on their potent cologne. I can almost taste the bitterness.

    Ugh, Jo.

    Josephine Lovett was the first female Jockey a decade ago and the subject in most of my private outbursts. Jo, with her flagrant misdeeds, left behind crater-sized potholes and no map to avoid them. I hope someone finds the cave she’s hiding in—I’d love to tell her where to shove it.
    [I DON'T SEE IF THIS JO REFERENCE WORKS HERE. WHO'S THIS GIRL? WHY IS SHE IMPORTANT AS SHE'S WALKING TOWARDS THE HALL? MAYBE I'M MISSING SOMETHING HERE?]

    Beneath the Cadets’ scowls, I see the fear and uncertainty. They probably don’t even know why they hate me. No matter. Their hatred is the fuel that will get me through this exam. I can’t show weakness. I can’t show fear. Trip, and they’ll make sure I never get up.

    “Good luck on your exams,” I say, clasping my hands behind my back. Ignoring their crude remarks, I spin on my heels and march through a hallway entrance.

    The red blinking light stops as I approach the steel door at the end of the hall. Grant Hammersmith spills into the hall, skidding to a halt the moment our eyes meet. He doesn’t have to say a word, his glower is loud and clear as he scans me from my untidy bun to my steel-toed boots. He huffs before he stomp towards the lobby like a child whose parents took away his favorite toy. His exam didn’t go well. I smile.

    “Cadet.” Captain Mayhew stands outside the door, frowning.

    I start past him, but I’m hindered by his beefy hand on my arm. “Sir?”

    “Remember,” he says, tightening his grip, “your last name won’t do you any favors here.” After several moments, I let my head nod. He releases my arm and I follow him into the room.

    I can hear my pulse for the first time all morning. It’s deafening.

    “You know the drill,” he continues, hitting a button on the wall to close the door. “Instruction will be given to you once you’re in the Pod.”

    I salute him.

    “Pod 5, Cadet.”

    I THINK YOUR FIRST PAGE IS REALLY WELL CRAFTED. I LOVE THE WAY YOU INTRODUCE US TO YOUR MC AND THE WAY YOU INTERTWINE PLOT, DIALOGUE AND EMOTION. THIS HAS PITCH WARS POTENTIAL! HOPE TO SEE IT IN THE FINAL SELECTION. GOOD LUCK :)

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    1. Thank you for your comments and suggestions! :-)

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  3. First Impression:

    I'm really interested in finding out what happened to everyone on Earth. Good job drawing your reader in!

    Critique:

    "The massive sign called The Life..." This sentence was a bit confusing.

    Jo--the references to Josephine were confusing as well. If you could elaborate a little on her history and why her career has biased other cadets against your MC, it would be helpful for your readers. You don't have to give a ton of back story, just a sentence or two for us to go on.

    "steel toed boots" Yeah, I like this girl already. Any girl in steel toed boots has my sympathy ;)

    "after several moments I let my head nod" This is passive. Just saying "I nod" would be best.

    Concluding Thoughts:

    You've clearly spent some time polishing this. It's tightly written and provides just enough conflict and information to draw your reader in. A few minor tweaks for clarity and it'll be perfect! Great job!

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  4. Hi Monica,

    Intro to critique:
    First, allow me to say thank you for being so brave as to put your work out there for praise and criticism. It’s never easy to send writing efforts into the world, and it’s even harder to do it when you know people are going to be reviewing it with a fine-toothed comb.

    Also, please remember that this is your work, and mine is only one opinion. So, take what you like and leave what you don’t.

    Pitch:
    I’m going to focus on your 35-word pitch first.

    “Through a neural bond a 17-year-old pilot discovers her humanoid robot’s sentient glitch.”: Yes, you have my attention. I love this first line, and the idea that her robot has senses makes me think of a modern day Pinocchio, only with way better mechanics and hopefully better-looking.

    “To save him and her heart, she must find the source and expose it before he’s dismantled, risking her own exile.”: When I read, “…and her heart,” I’m assuming she has feelings for the humanoid robot. If this isn’t the case, meaning if it is literally her heart that is at risk, then you may want to substitute “life” here. The line “expose it before he’s dismantled” are very strong here as well. I get the feeling that the sentient glitch is a bad thing, so if this is the case, then you’re on track. My only real hang-up with the pitch is the last part, “risking her own exile.” I feel like I need something more specific. Is her act of exposing it putting her at risk for exile, or the fact that she’s given him her heart?

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  5. Entry:
    “I am nervous. (New paragraph) They teach us to turn our nerves into motivation. To push through our doubts. Sitting in the Cadet Training Center, I’m finding this strategy difficult.”: I like this beginning as it gets me immediately into the head of the MC and tells me how she’s feeling. However, I do feel like I’m playing the pronoun game. Who is they? Can you be more specific here? Also, I think you should put all of this in a paragraph and break at this point before moving to the next line below.

    “The massive sign called The Life pulls my attention as it begins its daily notification of the remaining humans left on earth. Most days, I feel the sign is a cruel reminder of our fragility. Today, somehow the pesky red numbers remind me why I’m sitting here. Eight hundred thousand fifty-“: This is a strong description that provides the reader with really important information: something drastic has happened on Earth and the species is dying. I’m intrigued, curious, and I want to read more. I do think that as you are cutting off your MC in mid-thought, you should mention that in the next sentence. The dangling hyphen threw me for a second.

    ***
    “Cadet Thornhill, it’s time.” Several seconds pass before the receptionist’s words sink in and I notice the anxious twitch in my leg.

    “Don’t crash, Thornhill.” Two Cadets snicker at me from across the room, studying me as if I’m a rare animal about to do a stupid trick. They want me to fail. My cheeks flush with heat as I stand and brush the wrinkles from my air suit, silently choking on their potent cologne. I can almost taste the bitterness.
    ***
    For the dialogue above, I know she’s nervous, so is it important to tell me about the “anxious twitch” in her leg? If not, consider cutting it. Also, I think you can trim the last sentence of the next paragraph, too. Say something like: “…silently choking on the bitter scent of their potent cologne.”


    “Ugh, Jo. (New paragraph) Josephine Lovett was the first female Jockey a decade ago and the subject in most of my private outbursts. Jo, with her flagrant misdeeds, left behind crater-sized potholes and no map to avoid them. I hope someone finds the cave she’s hiding in—I’d love to tell her where to shove it.”: I agree with Laura here, this is a lot of info about a girl named Jo that is hiding. Now, if Jo actually plays a big role in this story and you need to get her history in quick, then I’d try to clarify why she’s thinking of this at this particular moment. If it’s because Jo crashed, then find a way to make that connection for the reader. The “Ugh, Jo” isn’t strong enough on its own to do that. Maybe have her think, “I’m no Jo.” You also should make it known to the reader why Cadet Thornhill thinks about Jo enough for her to be the “subject in most” of her private outbursts. That makes me think they knew each other at one point. Is this the case? In all, I’m intrigued enough to hope Cadet Thornhill meets this crazy female Jockey.

    “Beneath the Cadets’ scowls, I see the fear and uncertainty. They probably don’t even know why they hate me. No matter. Their hatred is the fuel that will get me through this exam. I can’t show weakness. I can’t show fear. Trip, and they’ll make sure I never get up.”: Yep, I’m confused. This is a training center, so I’m assuming they are all going through this together. I actually have some experience with working with real Army cadets, and I can tell you, there is a sense of siblinghood, for the most part, in the regiments and platoons. So, I can’t help but wonder why she would be singled out as someone worthy of hate. Like Laura, I think you need to give a line or two about why she thinks they hate her.

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  6. (Critique continued from above)
    ***
    “Good luck on your exams,” I say, clasping my hands behind my back. Ignoring their crude remarks, I spin on my heels and march through a hallway entrance.
    ***
    For the dialogue above, which crude remarks? Also, “hallway entrance” seemed awkward. Does she just walk down a hallway? Or does she walk through a door?

    “The red blinking light stops as I approach the steel door at the end of the hall. Grant Hammersmith spills into the hall, skidding to a halt the moment our eyes meet. He doesn’t have to say a word, his glower is loud and clear as he scans me from my untidy bun to my steel-toed boots. He huffs before he stomp towards the lobby like a child whose parents took away his favorite toy. His exam didn’t go well. I smile.”: Technicalities first, “he stomp” should be “he stomps”. Also, “towards” should be “toward”. Other than that, I like this interchange. First, the fact we got Grant’s full name make me think we are going to see him again. Second, he’s glowering and she’s smiling. They obviously have history and a lot of animosity toward each other. Lastly, the fact that she smiles at the end also makes her seem confidence.

    ***
    “Cadet.” Captain Mayhew stands outside the door, frowning.

    I start past him, but I’m hindered by his beefy hand on my arm. “Sir?”

    “Remember,” he says, tightening his grip, “your last name won’t do you any favors here.” After several moments, I let my head nod. He releases my arm and I follow him into the room.
    ***
    For the dialogue above, “I’m hindered” makes this sentence, which has a lot of potential, weaker. Consider something like this: “I start past him, but his beefy hand on my arms hinders my progress. “ Also, the fact that Thornhill is a name to be recognized is very clear. Good work getting it in without being obvious about it. I’m intrigued and looking forward to reading more.

    “I can hear my pulse for the first time all morning. It’s deafening.”: This makes me think it is a common occurrence for her to hear her pulse. Is this the case? If so, this is very different that normal people, so some explanation may be needed. Also, consider combining these two sentences to make them stronger.

    ***
    “You know the drill,” he continues, hitting a button on the wall to close the door. “Instruction will be given to you once you’re in the Pod.”

    I salute him.

    “Pod 5, Cadet.”
    ***
    For the dialogue above, I get the impression she’s done this before, but she was nervous at the beginning of this section. Would she still be nervous if she had done this before? Or is this her first time actually doing it but she’s done this in simulations before?

    Closure:
    Monica, this is a very well written piece and it’s very intriguing and I’m definitely interested in reading more. This kind of book and story is right up my alley, so I hope we get to talk more about it on Twitter. Thank you again for sharing with me.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions! So grateful!

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  7. Pitch: Cool premise! The only thing that tripped me up here was "and her heart" - how literal is this? I'm guessing it's meant to imply her feelings, but I found it awkward. Any way to rephrase?

    First 500: I'd strike the first sentence - you show this vividly enough below that you don't need to straight up tell us that she's nervous. I liked the red-numbered sign keeping track of the population, although its name tripped me up a bit - very BSG :)

    Like the commenters above, I found the reference to Jo confusing - can you rephrase this a bit to clarify? - but otherwise loved the military details (steel-toed boots!) and the clear animosity between her and her colleagues.

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment! :-)

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  8. Pitch: 35-Word pitch: Through a neural bond a 17-year-old pilot discovers her humanoid robot’s sentient glitch. To save him and her heart, she must find the source and expose it before he’s dismantled, risking her own exile.

    I read a lot of scifi, so this is my kind of book. I think the problem in this pitch is that I don't particularly care if the robot dies or not. That to me is the hook, but I don't understand enough to care. So, can you focus in the pitch in why this robot dude is important to POV? (Also can you name POV?) I'd focus on that more than I would the stakes. I don't care if she get's exiled, because I don't care about her. You haven't given me a name or anything to hold on to, so I'd pass on this pitch. Focus on the relationship, and why it needs to live, and then say what POV will do to protect him.
    There are too many scifi buzz words in this pitch, IMO. We need a few, to show genre, but do we really need; Neural bond, sentient, glitch, humanoid, source,exiled, dismantled. That's 7 of the 35, and no name. The problem is this, "humanoid robot’s sentient glitch." it's 4 right next to each other, and I'm stumbling, and I'm an active sci fi reader. I'd lose Humanoid, (at least) .

    500: The first line feels SO telling to me. I am nervous. It flows well into the next sentence, but as the first sentence, it's jarringly telling. I'd suggest starting with a sentence of showing her nerves before you announce them. It flows really well into the next section, and there's a fantastic voice by the way.

    The sentence, " The massive sign called the Life..." reads confusing to me. How does it pull her attention. Is there a sound? like introductory music, is it ticking? Ooooh how cool would it be if it were ticking, everytime someone died, or was born it made a ticking sound? That'd be rad. I aslo think you are burying the cool information in that sentence. There's a giant ticker sign saying how many humans are alive? And that number is super super low. I have to know why. But as it is, its kind of tucked behind a confusing sentence.

    Actually, it might be cool if you mention The Life once or twice before you explain what it is. Like the screen refreshes, or someone changes the numbers manually, or if it's mechanical, then it could whirl or the engine could hum. Give this sign a world building detail to show how important it is.

    The "Ugh, Jo." Line didn't work for me. I'd suggest changing it to "Thanks, Jo." And then explain how Jo's awfulness in impacting her now. I'm guessing we are going to meet Jo later on, but if not, this might not be the best place for this paragraph.

    Those are the only issues I have with the 500. The dialogue is clear and believable. The voice is awesome, and I think the world needs more sci fi with a female lead.

    I hope this helps,
    ~Sheena #11

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    1. Thank you Sheena for your comments and suggestions! :-)

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  9. Hi Monica,
    I've seen you pitch this on Twitter and you know I like the premise a lot.
    I haven't read the other comments so forgive me if I repeat anything.
    I hate to do this to you, but I think the first line has to go. The next lines show us and the first tells us.
    When the numbers of the life counter get cut off and then she takes a few seconds to register what is being said to her connection is lost. Maybe have the words sink in, but not the fact that her leg is shaking?
    The last two lines about the jerk cadets should probably be one. Until I read the sentence about their bitterness I really thought for a second that they were wearing stinky cologne. Jerk guys do that sometimes.
    I like that she talks to a woman who came before her who failed and whose legacy she now has to prove is false, but the Ugh needs reworking. She's mad at Jo, Yes? The ugh sounds like she is commiserating with her and the bad rep she got. In that paragraph I think you need is, "and the subject" should be "and is the subject" otherwise we get tense issues.
    Their "crude remarks" should be just rude. They weren't nice, but they weren't crude in all the connotations of that word. In that same paragraph "hallway entrance" I would cut, especially since the word hall is used multiple times in the next paragraph. Try limiting those as well. For instance, when Hammersmith comes in I don't think the word hall needs to be used again.
    In the Hammersmith paragraph, "stomp towards" should be "stomps toward", but I already don't like this guy so I think you did a great job in this paragraph about him.
    The hindered paragraph would be more effective if you use hinders. For example, "but he hinders me with his beefy hand on my arm."
    If the first line is cut, then the hearing of her heart works as it is a slow build of anxious tells throughout the scene. I love that action is about to start, that we know so much about her world without an info dump of backstory, that I know this test she's walking into is a big deal, that Hammersmith is not a great guy, that sexism is an issue, and that she won't back down. I know all of that and more in 500 words. Well done! This is really well written and I'm being nit picky, but I love sci-fi and still dig this.
    Jacqueline Eberli #6

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You're the best! :-)

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  10. Monica,

    Let me start with "I AM SCI-FI STUPID" so take what I say with that in mind.

    Pitch: Okay, is she in love with the robot? What is the glitch? Can you give just a little more information on the conflict? Why will she be exiled? Because she loves him? Just questions that popped up as I was reading this. You might want to reword, just to help non-SF geeks like me catch on!

    So, I loved this from the sample first sentence. What I didn’t get in the pitch, I do now. The stakes are high, but that doesn’t change people, right? The cadets are still jerks even if their numbers are dwindling.

    The only thing I was confused on was the Jo paragraph. Not sure where that fits in this scene? Might be better for her to think about that girl’s failures as she straps in the pod. She doesn’t was to end up as a bug splat on the windshield like Jo did. I like that she is from a famous family and has that boulder to carry. She has a lot of pressure on her as she straps herself into the pod, and you have done a great job of setting up that tension. She's very resilient as she shoves the pressure aside and moving forward which give us a hint about how she will handle her later struggles. Great job!

    Kelly (#17)

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    1. Thank you Kelly for your suggestions! You did great for being "Sci-fi stupid'! :-)

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  11. Hi Monica!

    Just like Kelly said... I am not very good with sci fi... But here's just my opinion...
    For the pitch... So is she in love with a robot? What world are they in? What glitch... Clmputer or for her robot boyfriend? What is she a pilot for? Smuggling? War? Taxi? Just a pilot for fun?
    For the opening, the beginning of an exam sounds like a cool idea... However I didn't quite get the feel of everything around her or even how she felt except that obviously she was nervous. You also don't really know why she apparently is picked on by the other students/cadets. Did she do something in the past? Also you mentioned something about a first woman pilot to pass the exam, right? so are there only boys in the waiting room a besides her and she's going to be the second or is she talking about herself when she passes. I suggest you mention her name. We only get her last name halfway in, and it actually prevents a connection.
    I want to know more and I want to get to know this world... Unless it's our world... But then I still want to know the decade and technology.
    Just give some more info without dumping it all on at once and I think this will be great!
    I hope this helps!

    Grace (#10)

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    1. Thank you for your comments and suggestions!

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  12. Hi Monica!

    Remember all my comments are subjective so if anything I say doesn't work for YOUR story, feel free to throw them out the window. Thanks again for entering!

    YAY SPACE OPERA :D Or at least that's what I gathered. If not, you might want to let us know we're on Futuristic Planet Colony with No Aliens and tell us where in the universe we are. Mars? Earth 2? The Restaurant at the End of the Universe? (Sorry, I can't resist Hitchhiker references XD )

    Your pitch is good but I want your MC's name in there. Spell out seventeen.

    Your writing is remarkably clean. I don't feel bogged down with all the Space School Details which can be difficult to do. However there is one little detail you might want to fix, that many 1st person authors can fall into: if I didn't have your pitch, I'd have no idea what gender your MC is from the first 500 alone.

    Otherwise I have very little to say. Excellent job!

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    1. Thank you again for hosting and your wonderful comments!

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  13. Hey there, Monica! (Jamie #19)

    Dropping in, as promised. You've been given quite a bit of good feedback already, so I'll keep my remarks brief.

    I agree that you should drop the first line. It's not your strongest point and you don't want anyone losing interest in your awesome story because of a less-than-awesome opening line.

    I also agree with removing the extra "hall/halls" in that paragraph closer to the end of your excerpt, because they did read as a bit repetitive.

    Having read this bit before, I have to say that I wasn't confused by the Jo reference, even when I read it the first time. I'll admit, I wondered what Jo had done and where she was now, but I also got the feeling that she was alive and going to turn up later. (That might be the author in me looking for foreshadowing though.) So, I do think if you want to elaborate on the other commentator's questions regarding her and what she did/ how it affects your protagonist, that will help with the confusion others might feel. (I think I remember her name starting with a Z but now that I'm thinking about it, you don't name her in the pitch or first 500. Yeah, maybe work that in!)

    I really liked the idea mentioned above about The Life sign making noise or doing something to alert everyone whenever there was a birth/death! When I read that, I thought, "OMG, that would be such a strong opening!" Like, in the first line, we hear the sounds, see the sight of the sign doing its thing, then your protag explains what it is, what it means to her, and how it's encouraging her as she struggles with her nerves in the waiting room. Just a thought, but I read that and felt super inspired.

    So, as I remind everyone, be wary of overusing adverbs. (I think we talked about this when we traded crits for New Agent but I'll say it again in case I didn't. Search your MS for words that end in 'ly' and see how many you can eliminate/ replace with stronger verbs, better descriptions. It'll strengthen you as a author and help you to be more creative. You already do a great job, but this is just to up your "wow" factor.)

    Again, I agree that you need to name your protag (first and last) in the first 500, but I got that she was female, both from the Jo reference and the mention of her bun. (I know guys can have long hair, but if you name her and have that in, the two should cover it.) If you want to add more feminine descriptions just to be safe, then do. But trust your voice.

    Overall, it's a very intriguing plot, and you write so well. (You already knew I thought that, but I'll tell you again!) I think with some small changes this will really grab the attention of an agent or a mentor for Pitch Wars. Thanks for letting me look again and I hope some of my comments are helpful to you. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you for your comments and suggestions! :-)

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  14. (Part 1 of 2)

    Hi Monica!

    I’m Allison, entry #8. I just want to say that I think this is wonderfully written and that you have a good start here. See my comments in all caps. 


    35-Word pitch:

    Through a neural bond a 17-year-old pilot discovers her humanoid robot’s sentient glitch. To save him and her heart she must find the source and expose it before he’s dismantled, risking her own exile. [THIS STARTS OUT STRONG—I LOVE THE NEURAL BOND BETWEEN THE MAIN CHRACTER AND HER ROBOT--BUT THE SECOND SENTENCE BEGINS TO CONFUSE… WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER HEART, AND WHY WOULD SHE BE EXILED? 35 WORDS IS NOT MUCH ROOM, SO IN A LONGER PITCH I WOULD RECOMMEND MORE INFORMATION. ;-)]


    First 500:

    I am nervous. [GOOD FIRST LINE, BUT MIGHT READ MORE NATURALY AS A CONTRACTION, “I’M NERVOUS.”]
    They teach us to turn our nerves into motivation. To push through our doubts. Sitting in the Cadet Training Center, I’m finding this strategy difficult. The massive sign called The Life pulls my attention as it begins its daily notification of the remaining humans left on earth. [I FOUND THE BEGINNING OF THIS SENTENCE A BIT AWKWARD. IF THE SIGN IS REFERRED TO AS “THE LIFE” THAT MIGHT BE EXPLAINED, WHEREAS IF YOU’RE JUST TELLING US WHAT IT SAYS ON IT, THEN I DON’T THINK “CALLED” IS THE RIGHT WORD] Most days, I feel the sign is a cruel reminder of our fragility. [AGAIN HERE, IF THE SIGN IS REFERRED TO AS “THE LIFE”, MAYBE CHANGE THIS SENTENCE TO: MOST DAYS, I FEEL THAT THE LIFE IS A CRUEL REMINDER OF OUR FRAGILITY.] Today, somehow the pesky red numbers remind me why I’m sitting here. [THIS SENTENCE ORDER MIGHT READ BETTER IF YOU MOVED “SOMEHOW” IN BETWEEN “NUMBERS” AND “ REMIND”] Eight hundred thousand fifty- [IS THIS THE SIGN TICKING OFF THE REMAINING HUMANS? THIS COULD BE EXPLAINED A LITTLE. I THINK I GET IT, BUT COULD USE A LITTLE HELP UNDERSTANDING SO THAT THIS LINE IS EFFECTIVE]

    “Cadet Thornhill, it’s time.” Several seconds pass before the receptionist’s words sink in and I notice the anxious twitch in my leg.

    “Don’t crash, Thornhill.” Two Cadets snicker at me from across the room, studying me as if I’m a rare animal about to do a stupid trick. [THIS MIGHT READ MORE SMOOTHLY IF YOU CONNECT THESE WITH A COMMA INSTEAD OF A PERIOD] They want me to fail. My cheeks flush with heat as I stand and brush the wrinkles from my air suit, silently choking on their potent cologne. I can almost taste the bitterness.

    Ugh, Jo.

    Josephine Lovett was the first female Jockey a decade ago and the subject in most of my private outbursts. [DID YOU MEAN TO SAY “OF” MY MOST PRIVATE OUTBURTS?] Jo, with her flagrant misdeeds, left behind crater-sized potholes and no map to avoid them. I hope someone finds the cave she’s hiding in—I’d love to tell her where to shove it. [YEAH! I’M STARTING TO REALLY LIKE THIS MC! ]

    Beneath the Cadets’ scowls, I see the fear and uncertainty. They probably don’t even know why they hate me. No matter. Their hatred is the fuel that will get me through this exam. I can’t show weakness. I can’t show fear. Trip, and they’ll make sure I never get up. [THAT IS A GREAT LINE!]

    “Good luck on your exams,” I say, clasping my hands behind my back. Ignoring their crude remarks, I spin on my heels and march through a hallway entrance. [I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW IN WHAT MANNER SHE SAID THIS- WSA SHE POLITE, DID SHE KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS? WAS SHE SHORT AND GUARDED WITH HER SPEECH?]

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  15. (Part 2 of 2)

    The red blinking light stops as I approach the steel door at the end of the hall. Grant Hammersmith spills into the hall, [WATCH REPETITIVE WORD USAGE WITH THE WORD “HALL”—MAYBE JUST SWITCH TO: GRANT HAMMERSMITH SPILLS OUT, SKIDDING TO A HALT THE MOMENT OUR EYES MEET.] skidding to a halt the moment our eyes meet. He doesn’t have to say a word, his glower is loud and clear as he scans me from my untidy bun to my steel-toed boots. He huffs before he stomp towards the lobby like a child whose parents took away his favorite toy. His exam didn’t go well. I smile.

    “Cadet.” Captain Mayhew stands outside the door, frowning.

    I start past him, but I’m hindered by his beefy hand on my arm. “Sir?” [SOMEHOW “HINDERED” DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THE RIGHT WORD. I FEEL LIKE THIS SHOULD BE MORE ABRUPT. MAYBE “HALTED?”]

    “Remember,” he says, tightening his grip, “your last name won’t do you any favors here.” [OOH- WHO IS SHE? WHAT’S HER FAMILY HISTORY? I LIKE THE QUESTIONS THIS POSES TO THE READER—MAKES ME WANT TO READ ON TO FIND OUT MORE] After several moments, I let my head nod. He releases my arm and I follow him into the room.

    I can hear my pulse for the first time all morning. It’s deafening.

    “You know the drill,” he continues, hitting a button on the wall to close the door. “Instruction will be given to you once you’re in the Pod.”

    I salute him.

    “Pod 5, Cadet.”

    I love this so far- I just wish I knew more about what her job is—what is she there to do? Why are people dying?

    I hope my comments help, and great job!

    -Allison, entry #8

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    1. Thank you for your comments and suggestions! So grateful! :-)

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  16. Hiya Monica :)

    Your pitch is great and there have been many suggestions already for just a few tweaks to make it that much better, so I will just agree with what's been said :)

    First 500.

    Uh, heck yeah to lady pilot protag! Love it. I think her voice is awesomesauce and to be honest beyond the first line I really didn't find fault. I didn't mind not knowing who Jo is because I feel like I'll find out soon and I'm one of those people who don't like to know everything in the first few pages :)

    The previous suggestion about incorporating a sound to the tick of the clock would make it so much more suspenseful and I looove the tension of knowing when someone is born or dies when the population is so low. Great job.

    I'm guessing just from how I read that the reason everyone gives her a hard time is because of her name, whether it's because her family is high up in their status, or because of something bad they've done in the past, either way it seems like everyone is judging her because of it and I think it reads and shines through without you spelling it out beautifully.

    If not, then that was my take on in. lol.

    Because of the what if's about jo and who her family could be and why everyone is hard on her. And the non-info dumps, you've actually got me intrigued and wanting to read more to find out. I think this is a great start to an interesting book and would love to read on. Can't wait to see your revisions. :)

    Cass

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    1. Thank you Cass for your comments and suggestions!

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  17. This sounds like a great idea, and I’m looking forward to reading the revisions. I can’t say for certain bc I only has a small piece of the story here but I’m hoping it’s all ‘rise of the underdog,’ and girl power-y. You get a lot of good information in at the beginning and I’m seeing what the world is like, what the initial conflicts are as well as how everyone sees her, so good job.

    The Atlantic Bond

    Through a neural bond a 17-year-old pilot discovers her humanoid robot’s sentient glitch. To save him and her heart, she must find the source and expose it before he’s dismantled, risking her own exile.
    (I’m not loving the pitch and I hate when I can’t put my finger on exactly why. I hate it bc it’s no help to you. I’m gonna give it a go anyway “The neural bond between a 17 yr old pilot and her humanoid robot exposes a flaw, a sentient glitch. Risking exile she must find and expose the source before he’s dismantled along with her heart.” Yeah I don’t love mine either but maybe it’ll give you some ideas.)

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am nervous.(Show her nerves, coming out and saying it seems flat)
    They teach us to turn our nerves into motivation. To push through our doubts. Sitting in the Cadet Training Center, I’m finding this strategy difficult. (They’ve taught us to turn our nerves into motivation, to push through the doubts, yet sitting in the Cadet Training Center I’m finding this strategy difficult.) The massive sign called The Life pulls my attention as it begins its daily notification of the remaining humans left on earth. Most days, I feel the sign is a cruel reminder of our fragility. Today, somehow the pesky red numbers remind me why I’m sitting here. Eight hundred thousand fifty-

    “Cadet Thornhill, it’s time.” Several seconds pass before the receptionist’s words sink in and I notice the anxious twitch in my leg.

    “Don’t crash, Thornhill.” Two Cadets snicker at me from across the room, studying me as if I’m a rare animal about to do a stupid trick.(Drop the second part of that sentence) They want me to fail. My cheeks flush with heat as I stand and brush the wrinkles from my air suit, silently choking on their potent cologne. I can almost taste the bitterness.

    Ugh, Jo.

    Josephine Lovett was the first female Jockey a decade ago and the subject in most of my private outbursts. Jo, with her flagrant misdeeds, left behind crater-sized potholes and no map to avoid them. I hope someone finds the cave she’s hiding in—I’d love to tell her where to shove it. ( I have an idea about why you dislike her so much but the clever language is taking away from the clarity. Too vague)

    Beneath the Cadets’ scowls, I see the fear and uncertainty. They probably don’t even know why they hate me. No matter. Their hatred is the fuel that will get me through this exam. I can’t show weakness. I can’t show fear. Trip, and they’ll make sure I never get up.(I really like this paragraph)

    “Good luck on your exams,” I say, clasping my hands behind my back. Ignoring their crude remarks, (You can tell she ignores their remarks so I don’t think it needs to be said)I spin on my heels and march through a hallway entrance.

    The red blinking light stops as I approach the steel door at the end of the hall. Grant Hammersmith (do I really need to know the last name right now. Seems false, like most people don’t think about people with both names)spills into the hall, skidding to a halt the moment our eyes meet. He doesn’t have to say a word, his glower is loud and clear as he scans me from my untidy bun to my steel-toed boots. He huffs before he stomp(s) towards the lobby like a child whose parents took away his favorite toy. His exam didn’t go well. I smile.

    “Cadet.” Captain Mayhew stands outside the door, frowning.

    I start past him, but I’m hindered by his beefy hand on my arm. “Sir?” 

    “Remember,” he says, tightening his grip, “your last name won’t do you any favors here.” After several moments, I let my head nod. He releases my arm and I follow him into the room.

    I can hear my pulse for the first time all morning. It’s deafening.

    “You know the drill,” he continues, hitting a button on the wall to close the door. “Instruction will be given to you once you’re in the Pod.”

    I salute him. 

    “Pod 5, Cadet.” 

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    1. Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions!

      Delete
  19. Hi Monica, this is Jen, entry #9.

    35-Word pitch: I really like your pitch! But you should add your protag’s name. You might also consider condensing the last line to something like: “To save him and her heart, she must risk exile by exposing the source before he’s dismantled.”

    First 500:
    I would change “I am” to “I’m” in the first line. Lack of contraction generally feels too-formal, especially in YA.

    I love the next paragraph! You’re doing a great job of getting us into your world. But I would specify who “they” is in the first line. Just something like “the teachers” or whatever.

    I like the obvious conflict between your protag and the other Cadets! Really makes me root for your character.

    I like the paragraph about Jo but for some reason I keep getting hung up on the phrase “flagrant misdeeds”. I would just cut it.

    I’m not sure we need her observation about the uncertainty under the Cadet’s scowls. It seems unlikely she would be able to know for certain whether or not they know why they hate her. Also “no matter” seems pretty formal. I would focus just on how your protag feels, like you do in the latter part of the paragraph.

    I love that she doesn’t rise to the other Cadet's nastiness and just tells them good luck. That’s awesome characterization!

    This is nitpicky, but I would change “a hallway entrance” to “the hallway entrance”.

    I would change “into the hall” to “inside” just so you don’t have “hall” so quickly after the previous usage.

    “loud and clear” seems a little clichéd. Would you consider something like “speaks for itself” instead?

    I would cut “me from” in the line “he scans me from my untidy…”

    I’m very curious about this Grant character from their exchange! Are they friends? Enemies? I can’t wait to learn more.

    I love the line from the Captain!! You’re doing a great job of giving little bits of information about your character at a time.

    I would condense “I let my head nod” to just “I nod”. Generally speaking, when you use words like “nod” and “wave” you don’t need to specify the body part.

    The line about hearing her pulse is a little odd. The way it’s phrased makes it sound like normally she does (the “for the first time all morning” bit is what’s doing this). Something to clarify.

    I would cut “You know the drill,” since it makes it seem like this is something she does all the time, which undermines the excellent tension and nervousness you’ve been building up to now.

    This is a really interesting premise, and you’ve got a really good start here! Tighten up your writing a little bit and it will definitely shine.

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  20. I thought the writing was good. And you have done a good job getting us interested. I only see one thing, I'd fix, and this contradicts what some one else said (she'd probably know better than me anyway.) I would keep 'they' as opposed to 'our superiors'. To me, it does feels right for the voice. I love the informality of using 'they'. 'Our superiors' feels robotic. By using 'they' your character is, from the start, declaring her rebellious spirit. Besides, I think in context we can generally figure out who said it. Either way it doesn't really matter who specifically said it.
    I guess that was a bit of a tangent for one word. All-in-all fine work.

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  21. REVISION:
    Hi Monica,

    I can tell you’ve done a lot of work on your piece, and it reads a lot better. I have just a few callouts below.

    Pitch:
    This is stronger to me. I feel like I actually understand what the problem is going to be, and the fact that it’s a romance between Zara and a robot is an interesting premise that in the past seems to have been explored from the Human Male-Female Robot set-up, but not much in the reverse. I’m definitely curious.

    Revision:
    Overall, I feel like I get a much stronger sense of what is going on in this story, and I’m very interested. I like the voice of the MC, as she comes across vulnerable and tough both in appearance and in her internalized exposition.

    I think I’d separate the sign part from the first three sentences into a new paragraph.

    Also, the “wink” and then her movement “clasping my hands behind my back” seems a bit at odds. Is she the kind of girl that really winks? Remember vulnerable and tough-as-nails are characteristics not really in line with winking—which is flirty.

    Otherwise, I think you’ve done a great job of introducing people in a way that makes sense, and I fell like I know the main characters of this story. I’m very much looking forward to reading this in print. Great work!

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  22. Revision notes:
    Hey Monica, (Jamie #19)

    Just wanted to tell you how stellar this rewrite is. I think you nailed it:) Can't think of anything I'd change/fix at this point. (Although, be sure to go through your whole MS with all the great suggestions you've gotten from this contest and make sure it's just as sharp in case a mentor/agent wants the full.) Good luck with Pitch Wars!

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  23. Revision Critique:

    This looks great, Monica. It reads really smoothly now. There a few nit-picky technical things you could still change, but other than that, it's a fantastic opening.

    “Cadet, Zara Thornhill, it’s time.” Take out the comma between "Cadet" and "Zara"

    '“Good luck on your exams.” Clasping my hands behind my back..' A paragraph break between these two sentences would be nice.

    Besides that, nothing really stands out. Great job!

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  24. Hi Monica!

    This is my first time reading your work (despite my every best intention) so forgive me if I make you feel like you're being pulled in a thousand directions.

    First, your pitch:

    I think your first sentence is stronger. I think your second sentence could be stronger still if you used "it's" instead of "he's" because what's being discovered is the glitch, not him.

    That said, it still reads choppy. So, rather than focusing on the specific words the other thing to consider is take another stab at this entirely, only write it in a way that sounds like Zara would say it. Keep it 3rd past, but use her voice. That'll make it stronger in ways you haven't considered before.

    Second, your 1st 500:

    I haven't read through all the advice, but I think you took a sidestep, not a step forward with your revisions. I liked your first version a bit better, but they both equally suffer from distancing words and phrases which make her passive and hard to connect with.

    Specific examples of this are:

    -"the massive sign pulls" - the MC hasn't done anything yet, and now she isn't even in charge of her own focus. It feels like a more artful way to say it, but it works against you, especially in YA when you're trying to get the reader to connect with the MC as quickly as possible so you can dig deep into the story.

    -"the six red numbers remind me" - the Numbers remind her. She isn't thinking or connecting emotionally, she's having her thoughts guided by the sign again.

    There are more, but I wanted to grab those specifically so you can look at it yourself and decide if that's the impression that you want.

    The other thing I'd suggest is one I use for early drafts. Pull out three elements from every thing you're describing.

    Those of us in SFF get trapped with the burden of worldbuilding and character development. If you go on at length describing a concept, physical element, or world rule you can quickly fall into the trap of info-dumping. If you purposefully limit the things you're describing and how many sentences or words they're allowed to take you'll find a way to make those words serve double duty.

    The best example here is her going on about how everyone wants her to fail. If you find a way to tighten that up into fewer words, I have no doubt you'll find words that tell us just as much about how she feels about them as they feel about her.

    I think you've got a very cool concept, and SFF takes a lot of bravery (and a LOT of revisions) focus on the character first, the world second, and the plot third and I think you'll get this shining in short order!

    Hope I've been of any help at all! Best of luck!

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  25. Hi Monica!

    This reads smoother then the original and the humans are almost at extinction added to the scene! However, the info on Jo probably should be moved. I know I pointed out we didn't quite have enough but now there's too much in the beginning and it doesn't really explain anything. As for the pitch.... Why does she love a droid in the first place? That just throws me off a tiny bit. Is there an explanation?
    The revision is a lot tighter then before!
    Hope this helps!
    -Grace #10

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  26. Hi Monica,
    This is a great revision. I admit I miss the internal conversation with Jo, I know the commiserating wasn't the right tone, but that she talks to her is such a cool connection and character voice addition I hope it's still in the rest of the MS. The only nitpicky thing is in the "All I know" line you need an is right after that. The pitch is much clearer. It's a voice choice situation with some of the distance from the character and her surroundings in this first scene, others mentioned it and I actually liked it in this context. I feel like I know her more because of it. She distances herself in these moments so she doesn't get too nervous, but still she can't supress her own moxie when dealing directly with the jerks around her. This female pilot MC is so high on my TBR list when it comes out.
    Jacqueline #6

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  27. Hi Monica!

    Your pitch is so much better now! My only suggestion would be to begin your last sentence with your MC instead of "He" (the android). I enjoyed the clarification of The Life, as well! Great job!

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  28. This is written really well. I would love to read the rest of it.

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