Genre: YA Speculative
Title: Schizic
Pitch: Two doppelganger teens discover they can switch bodies with anyone, anywhere, at anytime... Until they discover each other.
First 500 words:
Genre: YA (Struggling between Magical Realism and SciFi)
Title: Schizic
Pitch:
Doppelgangers Armando Sanchez and Armando Cable aren't twins, are they? They lived apart in loving adoptive families. Then they learn how to switch bodies with anyone, anywhere, at anytime... Until they discover each other.
Revision note on first 500: I did not do any work on this, because I need to chew on the best direction to take this WIP. (I keep going back and forth). I have done something different and am trying to see if it will work. I do realized if I have to explain the vision, it means it is not working. So I will see what you all think. I have 2 main characters. One is the protagonist, the other is the antagonist. The first chunk of the story is told by one. Then, the second chunk is told by the other. One fills the holes of the other. I am debating whether I want the give the readers the choice of whose to read first, but fear that reading the antagonist's POV first might be too dark. The comments about not knowing who the main character is, does play into what I am trying. The first chapter is the seed that links the two MC's together. And, the audience will not know which of the two are speaking until the end of the book.
First 500 words:
The first time I saw that video, it was an out of body experience. Literally.
I have every detail memorized.
It all must have happened back when VHS recorders were mainstream. That camera had the ambient-light night-vision feature. High grade for the time, I’m sure. A green screen speckled with grains of yellow.
Filmed at a low angle, a border agent munched a sandwich behind the wheel. His jaw clenched with each bite adding even more intensity to the stern face. He turned to the camera. “Get that thing out of my face,” he said. Floyd was his name. Agent Floyd. The man that saved my life. He didn’t like to talk much. A manly man with a big intimacy bubble, but a teddy bear heart. “Save the film for something important.
“Don’t worry. I’m not recording.” Agent Strickland said from behind the camera. Strickland was Floyd’s negative. With no boundaries, he lifted his shirt and pointed out every hairy mole in his life, whether you wanted to see it or not. Then, he’d ask you if it was cancerous. He transitioned from mole to mole without a rest in between.
“The red light is on.”
The screen spun toward a blurred Strickland face. I couldn’t make out his features. The man’s head bobbed like a caged monkey being taunted with a banana. “Oh. Yeah. I see it. How do you stop recording?”
“I don’t know. You said you were the expert with the thing.”
“Yeah. But my girlfriend’s isn’t as nice.” The camera zoomed past Strickland’s face, aimed out the side window. The brighter stars gleamed through the static twinkles. “I would have brought hers with me, but she’s kind of possessive. If you ask me, she shouldn’t whine about me taking it. I’m the one that paid for it. She just sits at home and watches TV.”
“Uh huh.”
“The other day though, she said she went looking for a job. So I asked her where she went. And, you know what she said."
“Huh?”
“She said she went to the Briefcase Bar. Can you believe that? Back to where her ex-husband manages. They’ve been fighting over her son for who knows how long. And she’s going to try to get a job there? I’d rather she continue to sit on her lazy…”
A skyward flash whitewashed the screen, turning it to straight static.
“What the heck was that?” Strickland’s voice murmured in the darkness. “My eyes. I can’t see… That light?”
“I don’t know what it was. I can’t see too well either.”
“Was it lightning?”
“No. Couldn’t have been. There was no thunder. My guess is it was a flare.”
“No flare is that bright, unless it goes off in front of your face. We would have heard that, or seen someone set it off.”
Slowly, the camera’s view regained focus on Strickland’s feet. “What’s that in the sky?” Strickland asked.
“Uh… Uh… I have never seen… Put the camera on it.”
Hi Rollan,
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting opening with strong descriptive passages but it leaves me a little lost and with no clear idea what the story is about. Your writing is very good but I wonder if you are starting in the right place.
You open with a narrator, but the reader has no idea who the narrator is, even by the end of the passage. Then we move on to VHS recorders. I know what a VHS recorder is but I can’t imagine many teens would. That’s not to say you can’t put a VHS recorder in a YA novel but I’m not sure the first page is the best place to do it.
I really like your descriptions of the border agents and think this is a lovely piece of writing. However, this is a YA novel (it is, isn’t it?) and your opening conversation is a very adult one between two adults. Also, I’m distracted by wondering how the narrator knows the agents. Is it from the film or does he know them some other way? (He says one of them saved his life. Is this literal or figurative?)
And then the agents see something strange in the sky and capture it on video…
I’m guessing that the strange thing they see is what your story is about?
I can see that this is a hook, in a way, but the problem is I don’t know anything about the MC yet, so I’m not that invested.
I’d like to know more about your narrator. I assume he is your MC and as a reader, that’s the person I’m most interested in. I think you should start with him, particularly for a YA readership.
I think you have some great ideas here and a really original concept and I wish you the best of luck with it!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey there!
ReplyDeleteSo I read your pitch and your first 500 and I have to say that I agree with everything Madame Von Bee said. I really like the details that you incorporate, and the dialogue between the agents and the narrator is interesting, but I actually think that these things are detracting from the first 500 overall. Because there are just so many bits and pieces that you describe that don't necessarily ground the reader in the world or give the reader a better sense of your MC, I feel like they are distracting. And the agents' dialogue is really stealing the spotlight in that I can get a good sense of their personalities, but at the cost of the MC's. I would suggest maybe having the MC play a more active role in the first 500, whether that is through conversation, thoughts, or direct action.
-Joan
I don't have much to add to the previous comments. I will say that while the concept sounds interesting, repeated use of the word "discover" is a little distracting.
ReplyDeleteStarting from the top!
ReplyDeleteGenre: Speculative is dangerous. If we never really find out why they're switching bodies, Magical Realism. If the reason behind the switch is Magical, Fantasy. If the reason is scientific, Sci-Fi. Specificity will help! (And if it's MR it'll REALLY help)
Pitch: You have so many more words! Use them! This is YA, give us a character to care about (or two), with a personality (or quirk) that we understand or can identify with, and a choice that we wouldn't want to have to make.
Your pitch is not terrible, but it's not the level of information they're expecting from 35 words. And not comparable to the level of connection they're getting from other people's 35 word pitches. Put all the words to use! Concept alone isn't going to work in a contest setting. (I say this as someone whose concept is killer, but doesn't work in a contest setting)
Text: I'm going to echo the above, but say, it won't take much to improve this if you change a few of the descriptive words to have more of the POV character's personality. Imbue what he/she thinks and feels about what they're seeing into those words. Use emotionally loaded words. Put emphasis on things that only the POV char would see or care about. Or throw in derisive overtones like they're judging the actions. These things will go a long way to building the character AND keeping the opening you want.
As always, your voice is the more important aspect because it's your story. Do what make sense, but hopefully the outside view helps a little see it in a different way.
Best of luck!
-Lana (@Muliebris)
I'm also wondering what these well-drawn agents and their video have to do with the main character - all we know is that one of them saved the main character's life. Without context, I would think that the main character was a colleague of theirs, especially given the reference to VHS. I think Lana's suggestion of playing up the narrator's voice to be clearly a teenager's is a good one. You could also back up a bit in order to start with the main character more clearly in the picture.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Rollan!
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused since your pitch says they can get into different bodies so is the main character in someone else at the beginning... Or is one of those people the main character?
I think your voice is pretty good and the way the last 500 ended made me want to keep reading!
As for the pitch, I think you should add something that would explain a little more about the story then the premise. Maybe about something they're going to try to accomplish or figure out during the book!
Other then that I think this would be a great thriller!
~Cayla (#2)
I dig the concept on this one.
ReplyDeleteI think the problem with the first 500 is that we completely lose track of the POV character. Is he watching this on a tape? Is that's hat's happening? Is he body swapping with one of the police officers? Its super unclear where he is. If he's sitting somewhere watching a video, occasionally have him shift in his seat, or drag a sip of soda, or something to remind us where the POV character is, and if he's swapped bodies, make it clear, like make him have an itch and the guy hes swapping bodies scratches it, or have him look down or something. The lack of clarity is hurting the story not adding a sense of mystery.
That said, It's an awesome idea, and the writing is really good. I think this is an add a sentence or two for clarity fix, not a back to the drawing table fix.
Best of luck!
First off, I really liked your pitch. It drew me initially and made me want to read your story. That said, I think you could use a little more space to describe your two MCs. You have to make the reader care about them if you want your first 500 to be read.
ReplyDeleteMoving on to your first 500, I really enjoyed this story. You really humanized the two people in the video and made me want to read more. Although, I did find it a bit confusing since you opened with one MC, and then immediately transitioned to the pair detailed above. I think you should have a smoother transition, or perhaps wait a little longer to introduce the details over the video once we've had a chance to learn more about your MC.
Good moring!
ReplyDeleteYou've only used 18 words in your pitch, use the 35, bring us in even more :) You've already got a lot of interesting stuff in the first 18, maybe introduce us two the 2 teens with the rest.
I also felt the blur between the MC and the people the MC is watching. I want to know a little bit more, like when you mention that life being saved by Floyd but then go right back into what's going on, I was like wait, why, how? which maybe be a good thing since of course it is only your first pages lol :)
I enjoyed the descriptions, just wanted to know who your main character was a little bit more.
Hi Rollan!! :D
ReplyDeleteI'm going to crit your entry thoroughly, but remember that all advice is subjective in the art world and you are more than welcome to burn mine if it's totally opposite of what you think is best for YOUR story! :D
Okay, so starting with genre. A lot of agents say that spec fic isn't specific enough to use as a genre category. I think it's more of a species than a category. Lord of the Rings is spec fic. So is The Maze Runner. So is King Arthur. So is Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. But more specifically, they are fantasy, dystopian, fairy tale, and comedic space opera. Like Lana said before me, you might want to specify your genre.
That said, I LOVE the concept. It's like freaky weird Prince and the Pauper or something. Because of that, take full advantage of your 35-word pitch :D Tell us your MCs' names, and give us a hint of their personality. For example, baseball-loving John and nerdy cheese carver Jackson. You get the idea XD
It also took me two read-throughs to remember that right off the bat your MC tells us he's watching a video. In one of my other books I had a similar scene, albeit more towards the middle of the story, where the MC watches a VHS tape on an old television. In my story, the VHS tape was a plot tool, and I'm getting the feeling that this video in your entry is as well for your story.
I think the best way to solve the confusion expressed by the former commenters is to show us your MC watching the video. How is he watching it, and what are his thoughts? Where is he and why is he watching it? You can do all that very quickly and neatly in the beginning before transitioning to the video.
Your dialogue is very good. Otherwise, I don't have too much to add. Hope my comments are helpful! Thanks again for entering and braving all of us girls!! XD
Thinking back on this, it occurs to me that this may be backstory, and you may be starting in the wrong spot. I don't put that out there so you immediately run out and change it, I put it out there so you think about it. With YA in particular, it's important to anchor the character first and then the setting and plot, backstory is a distant fourth. Again, feel free to chat with our dear hostess about this as I've we've already had this discussion!
ReplyDeleteYou may do better to start at a place that is about the MC now and not about what has already happened to the MC. That may solve a lot of the complaints you're seeing above and get you through the slush pile faster (based on the "too much backstory" comments I keep seeing from Agents on Twitter going through their own slush.)
Focusing on the pitch this time:
ReplyDeleteDoppelgangers Armando Sanchez and Armando Cable aren't twins, are they? They lived apart in loving adoptive families. Then they learn how to switch bodies with anyone, anywhere, at anytime... Until they discover each other.
This is better! More info, except, it's almost all backstory. It needs a hook in the form of choice or stakes. It's an interesting concept, but concepts and stories aren't the same thing.
Here's the question you don't want a reader of your pitch to have, "Why should I care?" In this case, why should we care that they've met each other? You've given us no hints if this means they'll die, the world will die, they'll be stuck in the forms they're in, they will never be able to return home again, they'll have an awkward conversation and avoid each other.
By leaving it where you have you've left an open question that can be filled in with boring things just as easily as exciting things. Usually, within the first 70 pages there's some sort of choice, something that the Main Character faces that will make them question life as they know it. Use that as the tease for your pitch and I assure you it'll get a lot stronger.
I think the narrative structure you're proposing is pretty awesome - especially given that unusual structure is something I know I've seen a few times in #MSWL. Not knowing the details, I'd suggest that dark might be a trickier note to end on than to begin with (and dark might be all the more intriguing, actually, as an opening.) I guess your challenge is going to be walking the line between letting clarity accumulate over the course of the book and giving people enough to go on that they're intrigued but not totally lost in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteSo your doppelgangers also turn out to be enemies, if I'm reading this right? Is there a way to work this into your pitch? Otherwise I've got no sense of what happens or why it matters when they discover each other.
First off, I love your premise. Unusual narrative structure is right up my alley and oh how I love the concept of doppelgangers especially when they are at odds. Super fun. Since you didn't make changes to the text itself, I'll just comment on the pitch. I'd drop the rhetorical question. I know it seems dynamic, but usually a question in a pitch leaves the reader open to fill in their own blanks. They might imagine something awesome, but they also might imagine something boring. As it stands the vagueness will usually lead to a less engaged reader. I would also suggest you need to define your stakes more clearly. What happens when they meet? I know from your note that they are at odd, but that's not in the pitch. You need to show us what is going to be problematic about their meeting. Do they try to kill each other? Does one of them assume he's crazy and then has a breakdown? Whatever it is, it needs to be right there in the pitch.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and I hope this helps.