Name: Mocha Von Bruen (@MadameVonBee)
Genre: Light Science Fiction/ Alternate Reality
Title: Megathon
35-Word pitch:
If dedicated athlete, Nick, hadn’t made a rash promise to fearless Northworld girl, Isa, he could concentrate on his sport, Megathon. Instead, with best friend, Riordan’s help, he has to save a forbidden manuscript.
First 500:
The postcard was waiting for Nick at lunchtime. He arrived late in the mock-rustic style canteen and swore softly when he saw the length of the line. Nobody would object if he jumped to the front. Except Mom, the Southworld Special Envoy. She’d have a fit. Unless… he looked around hopefully. No, there she was, in her usual place at a pine table in the corner, surrounded by various staff. She caught his eye and waved over at him.
Darn, there was no way of escaping the line now. Why did Mom insist on them having breakfast and lunch in the canteen when they could eat privately in the State Rooms?
Nick didn’t bother glancing at the menu chalked up on the blackboard. It was always the same, but he stared wistfully as three Northworlders in front of him put salads on their trays. The little bowls of diced lettuce and tomato glistened so much more invitingly than the standard options of sludge, slush or sausage, but, according to his mother, raw foods were unsafe. No wonder he was piling on weight in Northworld.
“Sludge,” he sighed when his turn eventually came. “Uh, I mean fried cheese and chips.”
By the time he sat down, the Special Envoy was alone at the table sipping a grainy coffee. She tossed the postcard onto his tray.
“This came for you today.” Her tone was disapproving.
Nick picked it up and laughed as he examined Riordan’s latest find.
It was the best one yet.
Riordan’s postcards were his only link to his Southworld home in Sunnybeach. This time his friend had sent a black card with the word PARANOID written in bold white script across it and a pair of white cartoon-like eyes underneath. Where did Riordan find this stuff? He turned it over. The usual ironic message was scrawled in his friend’s hand.
“Please hurry, why don’t you come back?”
His best friend knew perfectly well Nick would fly home to Southworld, if only it were that easy. He stole a resentful glance at his mother.
“It’s all very well for Riordan,” the Special Envoy raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow.. “But he’s safe in Sunnybeach.”
Nick continued his scrutiny of the postcard. Paranoid Eyes. It was too much. He missed his cynical friend more than he had expected. Only Riordan would have the nerve to mock the Eyes, the all-seeing Eyes, who gripped Northworld in an icy clasp of fear. Northworld. What had possessed his mother to take a job here? Well, ok, it was a big deal to be the first woman ever to be offered the position of Southworld Special Envoy to Northworld. And it was the reason he had become friends with Riordan. Still, it was a disaster…
“Nick, you’re not listening to me.” His mom’s voice broke in on his thoughts. “It’s about skiing practice.”
Nick looked up immediately. Skiing was the one thing in Northworld that was infinitely better than Southworld.
First off, is there a way to show that his mom would never allow him to jump to the front of the line. You have a moment of eye contact, could you have him take a step and then have her clear her throat? Or he could feel her eyes on him, maybe? I also didn't get until close to the end that the "special envoy" was his mother. You might want to clarify that.
ReplyDeleteIs there a way to put his wishes more internally. I know that's harder to do with third person, but instead of saying he wished, you could just jump into his thoughts. It would bring us closer to him and give us a much better sense of the character.
You pack a lot of world building into the third paragraph. Produce is toxic here. Great, interesting. But maybe you could be more oblique about it. Let the reader question why that is rather than just giving us the answer.
The description of the food is nice and gross. Like super gross. Also funny, so good work there.
Show us his friend's dry humor and acerbic wit rather than just telling us that he is. Also if this makes him happy and relieved and lightens his burden, I'd strongly suggest showing that. Maybe with some internal dialogue.
You say Riordan's message is ironic, and it could be, I suppose. But we lack context and now it sounds kind of pathetic and heartfelt. So if it's going to be ironic, it should read as ironic if you you know what I mean.
I want to feel his homesickness, right now it seems just a little too casual for how you're presenting it. I keep having no idea that Consular Westerman is his mother. I also don't know that a boy would really think about his mom by her title unless he was being mocking and ironic and I just don't get that vibe from the voice.
Again, I want to feel how much he misses Riordan in specific ways. I think we could also go much deeper with him. Also, we still don't know your MC's name. This doesn't have to be that big of a problem, but seeing as we're conversing with his mom you could slip it in easily and it would ground the reader in the scene a lot more.
Now the paranoid eyes is a very interesting hook and I want to know more about them. I also want to be shown the fear he feels here. Even just a hint of unease. Most of what I get is annoyance and teenage petulance which is all well and good, but there needs to be more on the page of the things your telling us. Homesickness and fear in addition to the annoyance and whatnot. I hope that makes sense.
Also, is there a way to show us that his mom's job is a big deal without just straight up telling us? Like an interaction with one of the other people in the room. Someone showing her deference. Someone else being insubordinate b/c she's a woman. Just a thought. I do want to know why his mom's job is the reason he's friends with Riordan. That's interesting.
Overall, you've got some good potential here. Just work on the showing vs telling bits and get us deeper into your MC's head. Good luck.
I'm not quite sure what draft this is, because my feedback would definitely be more tailored if I was sure what stage you were at in this story. But I'm going to start from the top down.
ReplyDeleteGenre: Specify your genre. Spec Fic doesn't work for this. If it's an alt world call it High Fantasy. If it's our world in the future after an apocalypse suck it up and call it Dystopia. Calling it something vague is worse than calling it something unmarketable. Show you understand the market for your story by being as precise as you can get.
Pitch: Specifics please! What kind of person is Nick? Bookworm, Super-Soldier, Champion Knitter, Ice Cream addict? Use one to two words to help us feel who Nick is when the story starts, best words are ones that are going to remind us of someone or picture them in our head. What kind of forbidden manuscript? Military secrets, spellcraft, genealogy, science, history? What kind of danger? Evil warlord, unhappy marriage, vile curse?
This is supposed to entice us to read more, so make it a couple sentences about why someone should start reading YOUR story.
Text: This is the hard part. There's absolutely a story here! You know the character, but this is a rough read. It feels less like we're inside a teen boys' head and more like we're reading his journal about whatever is happening. Your words keep him at arms length. Phrases like " He looked around", "Nick wished", "He didn’t bother glancing" and "He would love" are all phrases that keep us out of Nick's head and his personality at a distance.
Instead of "Nick wished" say something like "what he wouldn't give for..." or "Even checking the menu is a wasted effort" phrases that convey the emotion and give us a feel for how he's reacting to the world, his personality, what it would sound like if we were listening to the voice in his head.
So, right, now the standard caveats: Any suggestions above are there so you'll look at them and say, "No, that's not even remotely what Nick sounds like, Lana's totally wrong, what he'd say is..." and make it so much more awesome than I'd ever consider.
Best of luck!
-Lana (@muliebris)
Narrowing down speculative fiction is hard, but agents don't like to see something that broad. I wouldn't say fantasy if there's no magic. I'd recommend alternate world or alternate reality. Maybe light science fiction, if that fits better. I also think it would be great if you could squeeze a few more specific details into the pitch.
ReplyDeleteYou do an incredible amount of world building in a short space, so you should absolutely take pride in that! Already I feel like I'm getting a good grip of where we are and how the world operates.
The pitch isn't working for me, because it's too vague and also kind of hopeless. You're trying to sell me on a romance, (I'm guessing), but you say they won't ever see each other again, so...I'm just going to trust you and not invest myself. Also what are the stakes? What happens if he doesn't get the manuscript, and I'm guessing from reading the first 500 and the pitch that he's going to get the manuscript from, home maybe Sunnybeach? It's just kind of unclear still. Why can't Isla get the manuscript? You call her fearless, but does she have agency? If she's imprisoned, then tell us that. I'd rather know what Nick's goal is, (steal the manuscript, and save the girl? To go home? etc.) That is what will sell us.
ReplyDeleteText itself: I'm not going to go too far into specifics, because Lana and Jessica did a really thorough job. But my main complaint is the voice here. I'm not getting any of his opinions, any of the smells, the feels, or his thoughts. It's too focused outside of him, like a movie screen focused on him, rather than a camera through his eyes. It''s a fun start though, and I buy the postcard, and I personally get the humor of the friend and his homesickness coming through.
Best of luck, (and lunch!)
~Sheena
The pitch isn't working for me, because it's too vague and also kind of hopeless. You're trying to sell me on a romance, (I'm guessing), but you say they won't ever see each other again, so...I'm just going to trust you and not invest myself. Also what are the stakes? What happens if he doesn't get the manuscript, and I'm guessing from reading the first 500 and the pitch that he's going to get the manuscript from, home maybe Sunnybeach? It's just kind of unclear still. Why can't Isla get the manuscript? You call her fearless, but does she have agency? If she's imprisoned, then tell us that. I'd rather know what Nick's goal is, (steal the manuscript, and save the girl? To go home? etc.) That is what will sell us.
ReplyDeleteText itself: I'm not going to go too far into specifics, because Lana and Jessica did a really thorough job. But my main complaint is the voice here. I'm not getting any of his opinions, any of the smells, the feels, or his thoughts. It's too focused outside of him, like a movie screen focused on him, rather than a camera through his eyes. It''s a fun start though, and I buy the postcard, and I personally get the humor of the friend and his homesickness coming through.
Best of luck, (and lunch!)
~Sheena
I've read all the previous comments and I just wanted to let you know that I agree largely with what other have pointed out. I liked the descriptions and you managed to get a lot of info across about the world in the space you had.
ReplyDeleteI'll try to point out things that stuck out to me so that you're not just getting the same advice. While, I loved the description of the food, I actually feel like it took away from the larger picture descriptions. For example, I couldn't get a feel for the canteen...is the architecture of the room futuristic? Or more fantastical? You can easily convey that through describing the types of light (gas lamps? or electric? etc.) or throwing in some minor details. Instead, I got sucked into a entire paragraph devoted to food that was really nice for world-building purposes but did establish the general setting or the surrounding mood.
I actually like Nick as a character. I feel like the bits and pieces like "swore softly" and "darn" gave the reader a little window into his inner thoughts but also showcased him as a more quiet, thoughtful type. I think Lana suggested adding more active, voicey phrases such as "even checking the menu is a wasted effort", but I respectfully disagree in that I feel like the tone is wrong--too forceful and acerbic. That's not what I got from Nick.
However, I did feel just a bit distance from him, and I think that can be fixed if you give him so dialogue. When he sits down with his mother, he can still study the postcard for a silent moment, but I think it would add to his character a lot of he just had a few lines of dialogue, even if they are tentative and uncertain (since I got the sense that he relationship with his mother isn't exactly on equal grounds power wise).
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this!! Best of luck :)
-Joan
I just want to say, I agree, you shouldn't use my phrasing, which is why I always throw in my caveat. I get very sensitive to editing for other people's voice which is why I try to give examples that are so very clearly NOT the voice of that particular piece so you can see what I mean, but hopefully hear it in the voice of Nick rather than (in this case) Mel who is exactly that forceful and acerbic... in her own head.
ReplyDeleteHi Mocha!
ReplyDeleteI think that this book has a really interesting concept as it goes along, however, it feels like it's too wordy in the beginning with info that makes no sense to us but obviously does to Nick. I think there should be a little more showing and not telling to help it flow faster and so that there's a stronger first 500!
I couldn't figure out of his mom was suppose to be the first female Southworld Special Envoy to Northworld... or if it was someone else.
I liked that he got a postcard from his friend! This made me curious about his friend and whether or not he was going to be important later on in the story! Same with the food: made me wonder if it was poisoned.
I think if you fix a few things this will be very good!
~Cayla
Hello Mocha!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to crit your entry thoroughly, but remember that all advice is subjective in the art world and you are more than welcome to burn mine if it's totally opposite of what you think is best for YOUR story! :D
Let's start with the genre. A lot of agents say that spec fic isn't specific enough to use as a genre category. I think it's more of a species than a category. Lord of the Rings is spec fic. So is The Maze Runner. So is King Arthur. So is Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. But more specifically, they are fantasy, dystopian, fairy tale, and comedic space opera.
I think your story is dystopian or post-apolyctic. Contrary to popular belief, some agents still will look at fresh dystopian! Don't be afraid to label your story like it is!! :D It DEFINITELY seems original, and lacks some of the cliches that dystopian entries seem to have, so with some polishing, you have a strong shot at the market :D
As far as the pitch: I think, to amplify the stakes, that I would turn the "though" to an "if." Every story always has some hope of the inevitable turning around, and even if that's not the case for yours, you can still play that into your pitch. I also would like to know something that defines Nick. We know Isa's fearless... what's Nick like??
First 500: Let me say first off that I love Nick. And when I love a character, sometimes I don't even care about how good the story is (not saying yours is bad or anything!! just trying to demo how important a strong MC is, and you have one!!).
That said, I think the biggest issue I have with your sample is that there's too much backstory and telling. Bonus points for telling through his reminiscing and thinking, but after two pages, that can get long. I know for myself HOW HARD it can be to write a story when THERE'S ALL THESE THINGS the reader needs to know before you kick off! I get that, I have the same problem with my WIPs! So my suggestion is, don't cut the backstory, but condense it. Find pithy visual ways to show instead of tell. Give me Nick's emotional reaction to things. That can show a whole lot more in one sentence than explaining it in 100 words.
One final note: OXFORD COMMA!! :D
I think with some polishing and trimming, you'll have yourself a great entry. Despising long lunch lines, missing friends, and hoping to hear from them are things everyone can relate to. Way to go!!
Hi Mocha,
ReplyDeleteAs far as the technical stuff goes I don't have a whole lot to add (your notes above were pretty thorough) but I wanted to say how much I liked Nick's character. He seems sort of sweet and gentle, and I can already relate to him. I can also empathize with the challenges you might be facing in writing him. In my own manuscript I have an MC with a similarly quiet presence. It can be difficult to inject enough personality while staying true to the character. I think you can find it in the small details. And by letting us get more inside his head.
I also really like what you're doing here with world-building. And I think Jessica has a good point about being more oblique in places--it's more fun if we don't get it all handed to us at once.
Hope that helps!
Katy
Hi!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I thought your pitch was very interesting. Though I was thrown off by the tail end of it. Why would he even bother helping her get the manuscript if he's never going to see her again?
Next, I really enjoyed these first 500. As other people have said, there's definitely a story here, but I'm just not 100% feeling it right now. A lot of it is comprised of you telling us what's happening with Nick, rather than showing us what's happening. Even though your descriptions of the area and the action were kind of vague, I actually really like your MC already. I think if you just rework some of what's happening, you'll have a stronger opening.
Hi-
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to add as everyone above has mentioned points I also felt, tighten up your pitch to make us want to care even if there's a chance he won't see her again, why do we want to know their story?
Your character is likable right off the start and stays that way, I don't know if he would think of his mom in the term Consular Westerman, perhaps one of her lackeys could address her as such? I want to know what's up with the eyes on the postcard :)
I also agree with show us more, don't fall into telling us. You do a great job of world building in such a small amount of time, keep us looking through his eyes as he's experiencing it. :)
Mocha :D,
ReplyDeleteI'm just going to point out something I love: the friendship between Nick and Riordan (is Riodan's name based off of Rick Riordan, by the way??). I love that his friend not only still is still corresponding with his, but being snarky and sarcastic with the witty postcard. Anyway, I love strong friendships, and I think it's the strongest part of this scene, and immediately makes me like Nick.
-Molly (@mollycluff)
Have some of the same thoughts as others. I do want to know what's going to happen next, if any consolation. Above all else, that is most important. Some unnecessary adverbs. "swore softly" (The phrase sounds pleasant, but the action isn't, even though it may be quiet.) could be 'muttered cusses'. Or 'whispered cusses'. 'Grabbed Eagerly' could just be 'grabbed' or 'snatched.' The context and word already implies he was eager.
ReplyDeleteHopeless romances are always the best kind because readers turn the pages whishing against all odds for the pair to get together. So I like your pitch. And I also like the idea of a mysterious manuscript. I would read on!
ReplyDeleteChange the passive voice of the first sentence to active voice. The postcard waited . . .
I’d make it a bit more clear that the Special Envoy and his mom are the same person. Great that you start out with some clear conflict. Nick vs his mom, and not wanting to be in the Northworld.
“Give his right arm” is a cliché. Can you think of something he’d really give up to be home in order to drive this point home?
A few sentences of description would really help the setting pop. Right now it sounds like a canteen on earth in 2015. What makes your world different?
I’m very intrigued by the all-seeing eyes. Makes me think of Big Brother or It from A Wrinkle in Time. Would love to see where this goes. Good luck!
I like the pitch, but I agree that it needs stakes. Also agree that you can do without so many adverbs.
ReplyDeleteFocusing on the pitch. I like this better, BUT (it's a big but) too many proper nouns. This is a great start for you, but since you're introducing new world concepts and characters you're better off just using descriptions for anyone but Nick.
ReplyDeleteSomething along the lines of this:
If dedicated athlete Nick, hadn’t made a rash promise to a fearless Northworld girl he could concentrate on his upcoming competition. Instead, he has to (face deadly dangers to) save a forbidden manuscript.
My words in the example are weak, but it's only to show how having just Nick and Northworld makes them both stronger and stick with the reader more.
You're really close! Don't give up. After you've got the story clarity, then go back and swap out some of the words you've chosen for words that sound more like your character. Or pick words that imply happier, sadder, more ominous outcomes. But first is always clarity. Voice and tone are easier when you've nailed that!
YOU CAN DO IT!
Jumping in from the other end of the number range :) I think your changes go a long way towards showing the characters' relationships more strongly, especially between him and his mom.
ReplyDeleteI was a little surprised to read that no one would object if he jumped in line...is this a question of minding but not speaking up or just a culture that's free and easy about that sort of thing (in which case why is there a line anyway)? Also can you give some details about what "mock rustic" means beyond pine tables? What is at odds with the rustic styling? (A linoleum floor, for example? Some small hint of surveillance by the all-seeing Eyes?)
I wonder if you might get more mileage out of starting with him sliding into a seat next to his mother and having her toss the letter onto his tray. You'd still have plenty of room to describe the vile food (have him reluctantly turn his attention to it to avoid conversation or something and steal longing looks at the next table where people are eating salad...)
Your pitch is world's clearer, and I like it a lot better. I am going to back up Lana here and say you need to lose the other proper nouns. It muddles the pitch and becomes name salad. As for the 500, there is a lot of improvement here as well. You added a great deal of clarity and internal thought to Nick and I feel like I know him a lot better. So great work there. I think there is still a bit of telling going on here. Like you do a great job showing that Riordan is cynical and doesn't play by the rules. We learn a great deal about him from the postcard, so you don't really have to say that he's cynical. I also wonder if instead of Nick thinking directly about how much he misses his friend he could sort of skirt around it. What does loneliness and homesickness feel like, physically. Maybe go with something along those lines.
ReplyDeletePITCH: I like the idea of a rash promise. I would eliminate the mention of his sport and add a few words about the stakes- what happens if the manuscript isn’t saved?
ReplyDeleteFIRST 500: I’m really intrigued by the postcard. Riordan sounds like such an interesting character. Just the few hints you give in the beginning make me want to keep reading to find out more about him. As for Nick, he’s immediately sympathetic as a boy forced into a life he’s not choosing and doesn’t want. And I’m so curious about the all-seeing eyes that grip the Northworld in fear.
I think your revisions are great. Nick’s surroundings are more clear, as is his relationship to his mom. Nice work!
Now I've read the other comments. I like Amelinda's idea of a hint of surveillance by the all-seeing eye. If such things exist, that should be right up front in your beginning.
Looks good. Don't really have anything new to add.
ReplyDeleteReading through comments, I was really struck by Amelinda's idea that perhaps you could start the story off with him sitting by his mom, getting the postcard—for me, that is when the story really picked up—the world building before it is nice, but I was drawn most to him reading the letter. I also agreed with someone's comment that instead of referring to his mom as "the Special Envoy said", perhaps you should stick with "mom said" and then keep the reference to her job title for later when you explain it—a little less confusing that way. Overall, I'm intrigued!
ReplyDelete