Genre: Fantasy
Pitch: Ben’s abducted into a secret society of kids run by the roll of a dice. He’s expected to save his homeland and fiancée, by his insane leader Fortune, from ruthless thieves and his leader’s mind.
It was summer. It should not have been snowing.
Ben watched the storm blow past the window in front of his face. The cold numbed his hands and vaporized his breath on the clouding glass. People staggered away through the storm and into their homes to lock themselves in.
The last screams and echoes of chaos drifted around the city in the falling lace.
Ben shivered. The city of Yri was dead. All that was left was the grey streets and frosty banks piling up the sides of the houses. His heart pounded in his ears and chest.
Ben slid his freezing hands off the glass and slid against the wall, ducking away from sight. The world was pin-drop silent except for his struggling breath and the few movements his younger brother made beside him. The house felt like ice, but he was sweating, hot with anxiousness.
Something stirred upstairs. Ben’s heart jumped. He glanced at the ceiling and the sleeping latern swinging overhead. Upstairs, his mother and sisters were hiding out of sight and away from the door.
He looked at the front door. The lock was broken. Anyone who wanted to come in could.
If the servants of the Dark Carriage wanted to attack the Westside’s home, they would have no trouble abducting any of the children or young adults hidden inside.
Someone squeezed his arm. Ben jumped. He looked up to see Risha Newmun, the Baron’s daughter, huddling up between him and Liam.
“What are you doing?” Liam demanded in a hiss, his heavy voice shattering the silence.
“I want—I want to stay with you,” Risha told Ben.
As much as he wanted her to stay upstairs, he wasn’t going to argue. In fact, Ben was glad his fiancée wanted to be with him.
Facing death alone was harder then facing it with someone you loved.
He looked back out the window. Nothing moved out on the streets. All he could see was the cold corpse of the city spreading out for miles beyond his home.
The wind screamed through the cold, dead fireplace and creaked against the walls of the house. It was as if the gales carried the last cries of the Taken.
“There’s nothing,” he whispered, glancing back at Liam and Risha.
Risha shivered against his arm.
“May—Maybe--“ Liam stammered.
Horse hooves echoed up the street.
Something squeaked outside.
Risha let out a hiccupped gasp, covering her mouth to stop the noise.
Ben’s head turned and he looked back out the window, sinking deeper onto the floor.
A dark carriage wheel rolled in front of Ben’s nose. Only the thin glass between was between it and him. It came to a halt.
His stomach turned in fear. Ben held his breath.
They all sat in the still silence, listening to the snowfall on their house and cave them in, holding their breaths.
Ben looked outside again and the dark wheel just outside it. No one was there.
A knock pounded once on the door.
Hi Grace,
ReplyDeleteIntro to critique:
First, allow me to say thank you for being so brave as to put your work out there for praise and criticism. It’s never easy to send writing efforts into the world, and it’s even harder to do it when you know people are going to be reviewing it with a fine-toothed comb.
Also, please remember that this is your work, and mine is only one opinion. So, take what you like and leave what you don’t.
Pitch:
I’m going to focus on your 35-word pitch first. I’m interested, but I’m also, generally, confused, and I’m not sure if my interest outweighs my confusion, as it feels to be a bit of a toss-up.
“dice”: Possibly consider capitalizing the word “dice.” This allows your reader to know that this is a name given to a group of people—not the dotted cubes we throw across a table. When I first read: “Abducted into a secret society run by dice,” my first thought was, “Interesting and original, the secret society must make decisions based off of the results of a dice roll.” Now, if this is the case, then I wouldn’t capitalize dice, but you may want to reword to something like this: “…society who makes decisions from a dice-roll’s results.” If dice are actually the leaders of the group, which I think this is the case based off of my first read of your entry, then call them Dice.
“Ben must save the outside world from ruthless thieves”: The word “outside” is catching me off-guard every time I read it. I think the idea of the “secret society” in the first phrase is enough to indicate a divided word. Consider dropping it altogether.
Another point on the above, I’m beginning to think the phrase “must save” surely must be overdone. I used it too in my pitch, and after doing some reading of pitches last night, I’m seeing it used a lot. So, you may want to rephrase. Here’s a suggestion for your first sentence, playing off the idea of dice: “Ben plays a dangerous game to save his (family, friends, everything he loves, etc.) from the Dice Secret Society of ruthless thieves…”
“…and his mental young leader, Fortune, from Fortune's mind before He destroys everything Ben holds dear...including himself.”: So, this is where I got confused. First, “his mental young leader” simply doesn’t roll off the tongue, even in my head. Do we need “young”, what is a “mental leader”, and do we need to know the name “Fortune” here? Your manuscript may outline the mental leader in the book, but it may not be effective in your pitch. I think the bigger point here is that the leader sounds like he is losing control of his mind. I would consider focusing on that point here. Something like this: “…as his leader loses control of his mind and threatens to destroy everything Ben holds dear…”
“…including himself.”: Often readers like a self-less hero, but this phrase seems to take the focus off of saving “everything he holds dear” and elevates the importance of saving himself, which is important, but I would make the assumption that a hero does value his life without this line. I’d consider dropping this altogether.
In the end, when I take into account rewording for repetition, your pitch may read better if it says something like this: “Ben plays a dangerous game with the Dice Secret Society of ruthless thieves as the leader loses control of his mind and threatens to destroy everything Ben holds dear.”
It’s 26 words total, so you’re left with some wiggle room.
Thanks so much! ( And yes... The dice is what runs the place. (The cube with numbers) )
Delete(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDeleteEntry:
“Snow swirled in the icy wind through the opening dark clouds. The lacey flakes, forced and awaken from the sky by a strange substance, drifted down upon Yri.”: Your initial focus here is on the setting, but from my first read last night, the family in hiding out of fear. So, consider getting to the fear quickly and work the setting in throughout the scene. The line “Horse hooves echoed outside. Ben slumped further down…” actually seems to do some scene setting, introduces the MC, who is slumping down (so he isn’t happy to hear the horse hooves), and we get this idea of division straight off—the horses, and possibly their riders, are outside, while Ben is not.
“Screams and echoes of chaos drifted over the still city, under the noses of the dancing snow.”: I really like the “Screams and echoes of chaos drifted over…” here. I immediately get the scene from this, but I would refrain from using “still” as the next line we see people staggering. Also, I think “under the noses of the dancing snow” doesn’t really do much for this line and actually takes away its power. “Under the noses” is an expression, so I get your meaning, but it still seems off here. Also, is it important to know that the events are happening as “dancing snow” falls? How about something like this: “Screams and echoes of chaos drifted with the snow over the city.”
“The last staggering people hurried into their wooden homes, locking themselves in.”: Before jumping to this scene development, I would jump back to Ben, interweaving scene and character development. Keep your reader with your MC.
“The city of Yri was abandoned in cold and frozen silence. Yri was dead.”: The verbal phrase “was abandoned” feels weak here. Consider rewording to something like this, “Like a death knell, the cold silence of Yri…” and then add what this silence meant to the people of Yri. Is it a promise of loss to come? Does it herald a dreaded foe?
“Ben could see the empty, grey, streets past his freezing nose and the window glass, fogging under his warm breath.”: I’m not a grammarian by any means, but “empty, grey, streets” should probably be “empty, grey streets”. If your writing generally for an American audience, I would also update “grey” to “gray”. If the scene is in England, leave it “grey”. Also, “could see” is not as strong as a past-tense action verb. Try “watched,” “studied,” “surveyed,” etc. Also, I think you should find a way to mention he’s in a basement or cellar of sorts with a low window that allows him to see the streets. It seems important that he is basically hiding at this point, but still looking out—his curiosity driving him to look even as he hides. This tells us about the MC, develops him, while still setting up the scene. Maybe something like this: “Ben, pressed against the basement wall, surveyed the empty, grey streets through a small window, fogging under his breath.
“His heart pounded in his ears, seeming to deafening the still, fear-filled house.”: So, this is just my opinion, but I have always had a hard time with inanimate objects having emotions, such as fear-filled house. I think what you meant is that the inhabitants are fear-filled, so be clearer here. Also, the house may seem still, but the reader knows Ben is in it. As we are about to discover others are in it, then “still” doesn’t seem right here. Also, “deafening” should probably be “deafen” and “His heart pounded in his ears” seems like cliché. Consider inventing your own way of saying that the house has fear-filled inhabitants, and Ben’s heart pounds with theirs. Maybe something like this: “His heart drummed a rhythm in his ears, keeping time with his family’s furtive movements and shaky breaths behind him.”
(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDelete“The room was pin-drop silent except for a few gasping, struggled breaths.”: I don’t think this line is necessary if you can wrap it into the sentence before. This only seems to reiterate something you’ve already told us. Remember, for the first 500 words, each sentence should give us new information.
“He slid his back down against the wall, trying to hide from the outside view, disturbing his shock-stricken brother’s legs.”: This sentence needs tightening, and your purpose needs clarifying. Is it more important he slid down the wall to his brother or that he is hiding from view? As the reader only knows about “empty, grey streets,” there doesn’t seem to be a reason to hide, yet. So consider leaving that reason out here and put the focus on the brother, or tell us what he sees that causes him to duck. Consider this: “Seeing a black shadow emerge at the end of the street, Ben ducked from the window and slid down the wall, crouching next to his brother Liam, who wrapped his arms around his knees, his eyes stricken with fear.” Another point here, “shock-stricken brother’s legs” seems awkwardly worded. I’d leave it out. Also, I know the example sentence I gave is long, and your style isn’t like that, but I think you get the idea of what I’m suggesting.
“He looked at the other side of the dim house where his older and two younger sisters shivered on either side of their mother.”: Again, some tightening could strengthen this sentence, and I think it would be hard to see shivering from across the room. And, I think it isn’t important to designate the “older”/“younger” aspects of the sisters yet. That could be built in later. Consider this: “Through the scant light streaming through the window, Ben cast a worried glance over his mother and three sisters huddled against the far wall.”
“The Lord Newmun’s daughter, now trapped with the Westside family, after trying to drop another letter off for Ben, tried to hold back a sob but it escaped past her throat.”: “The Lord” sounds awkward here. Usually, when writing of lords and ladies, you could just say, “Lord Newmun’s daughter.” Does that not work here? It seems that you are making a point of saying “The Lord Newmun” throughout your entry instead of just saying “Lord Newmun.” If you are making this specific point, how important is it to the whole story? Really think about it, because it sounds awkward enough that it may trip your reader up every time he or she reads the phrase. If it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of developing the story, consider dropping the “The” and just say “Lord Newmun.” Also, there are some mixed signals coming from Risha in this sentence. The phrase “after trying to drop” implies that she didn’t succeed in giving the letter to Ben, but she is with him now, so consider revising. Also, if she is brave enough to attempt to leave her home to go see Ben when the city is obviously in a lockdown of sorts, then would she really allow a sob to escape her? I’m not sure what to recommend here because I’m uncertain of Risha’s role in the story. Is she a heroine? Is she the damsel in distress? Is she somewhere in between? If you don’t mind, reply in the comments or on twitter with your answers and I can provide more feedback.
“Ben Westside and Risha Newmun exchanged a fearful look.”: Again, if Risha allowed the sob to escape her lips, then it seems like Ben would exchange this fearful look with someone else, such as his mother. If Risha is going to be a strong character and a love interest, consider not having her sob, but instead she and Bend could be drawn to each other, like invisible beacons and they share a fearful look easily read by the other.
Risha is the damsel in distress of the story and also a major side character as the story unfolds. I kind of wanted it sound like she was there before the city was in lockdown and she got stuck at the Westside's house
DeleteI think I got that from reading this piece, which is good, because your intent is realized. Has the city been in lockdown before?
DeleteIt has... But not in that specific area... Mostly in the putter ares but that's not really important to the story since it was a while ago and Ben wasn't there for that. (It was for the same thing though)
Delete*outter
Delete(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDelete“The damp, house felt as if it were made of ice, but the family was sweating, hot with anxiousness.”: There may be some point-of-view issues going on here. If we are only seeing this from Ben’s point of view, then the omniscient “family was sweating” is out of place. Ben may know he was sweating, but how would he know the whole family was doing so? Consider keeping this closer to the MC, especially if we are only seeing this from his point of view. Also, consider whether or not we need to know this. Is it really important or are you just emphasizing how scared they all are? If it is the latter, then consider omitting, as we know they are scared. If this is going to play in the story, then consider this to keep it close to the MC: “Sweat beaded across Ben’s forehead and cooled quickly in the chilled basement.”
“The wind screamed through the cold, dead fireplace and creaked against the walls of the house. It was as if the gales carried the last cries of the Taken.”: I think the first sentence is well-written and is nicely descriptive, but I think it can be left out or combined with the main point of the second sentence. Who are the Taken? That’s what I really want to know, and if you don’t plan on going into that now, can you give me something so that I’m still intrigued, but not confused or left out of the story. Consider this: “The wind rushing against the house carried the last cries of the Taken, those city dwellers carried away by…” Then, tell us who took them.
“Ben shifted his position, his back sliding against the wall, looking out the window again to see if any movement came from the streets. All he saw was snow on the wind and the cold corpse of the city street.”: I like that Ben looks out again. He’s brave, but the description isn’t anything new for me, so you can keep it short, such as, “Ben sidled up the wall and peered over the windowsill, searching the streets for movement.”
****
“There’s nothing,” he whispered.
“Maybe they went to some other spot in the city?” Liam barely spoke next to him, but it sounded as if he were shouting in Ben’s ears.
****
For the dialogue above, I’d leave it as, “Liam whispered.” I think the next phrase is meant to imply Ben’s anxiety, but the reader already feels it.
****
“It could’ve been a false alarm,” Jill said, stroking young Susan’s hair to put the trembling girl to sleep.
“Children, please,” his mother hissed sternly, “Keep your voices down and they may pass.”
“I want papa,” Susan whimpered before sighing.
“Do you think the snow was made by the dice-demons?” Liam asked, disobeying his mother, loud enough to make them all gasp.
“Don’t be silly.” Jill made a face.
****
For the dialogue above, when you mention Jill and Susan, this would be the place to build in their sibling rank. Such as, “Jill, his older sister, spoke softly, stroking young Susan’s hair.” Again, I think it would be hard for Ben to see trembling across the room, so I’d leave that out, and I imagine Jill is stroking Susan’s hair to comfort her, not to put her to sleep. Be careful to attribute accurate reasons to an action. Also, like the Taken, the “dice-demons” remark seems confusing. Can the reader get a hint as to what this is? Also, snow is a natural thing for your reader in the winter. If this is not natural snow, your reader needs to know this as soon as you mention it. Again, post a comment explaining about the snow and see if there is a way to work in who the dice-demons are so that when Liam says this, your reader is on track with him. If you want Liam to introduce the dice-demons, then consider having Ben give it context directly after in some internal dialogue, such as, “Ben shot his brother a look of reproach, as an image of the (describe the dice-demons here) crept into his head.” This description may help us to feel the heighten sense of anxiety that runs through the group with the sound happens from outside in the next sentence.
Okay.... Umm.... For the dice-demons part that shows up later but it would distract the readers now which is why I left it out. The MC and family do not know where the snow came from except it arrived as soon as the terror stuck but it's actually caused by the people coming to the city on the Dark Carriage using potion. It's too much to explain in the first 500 so I left it out!
DeleteInteresting and good to know. Maybe mention that the chill and the snow seemed to just start, as out of place as a blizzard in summer.
Delete(Critique continued from above)
ReplyDelete“Something outside squeaked. Ben jumped in fear at the sudden noise. Risha let out a hiccupped yelp. Mrs. Westside covered the Lord Newmun’s daughter’s mouth quickly before she could scream in fear.”: “Squeaked” makes me think of a mouse, and I think your intent is to make the thing outside more menacing. It’s hard to imagine that brave Ben would jump at a squeak. The two paragraphs that follow this may need to come first in order to accomplish this, and if you do that, you may not need the “Something outside squeaked” sentence.
“Horse hooves echoed outside. Ben slumped further down and peeked outside.
A huge black carriage wheel rolled past the low window, casting a shadow on the floor. A second squeaked and stopped in the fallen snow, just inches away from Ben’s nose.”: I like this a lot. In fact, I think you should work to bring this closer to your first line. It begins to set the scene, and it implies the fear Ben feels. I would probably try to tighten it up a little, such as: “Horse hooves echoed outside, as Ben slumped further down the basement wall, peeking over the windowsill. Huge black carriage wheels rolled past the low window, casting shadows on the floor and creaking to a stop in the fallen snow, just inches from Ben’s nose.”
“His heart leaped. Liam held his breath next to him.”: Again, the “Liam held his breath” may be a shift in point-of-view. It seems like Ben should hear his brother catch his breath instead.
****
“Come away from that window, boys,” Mrs. Westside whispered, motioning with her pale hand.
Liam slowly stumbled over next to Risha.
****
For the dialogue above, consider ending with, “Mother whispered, motioning with her pale hand.” It’s hard to see Ben as thinking of his mother as Mrs. Westside.
“A knock pounded once on the door.”: “Pounded once” sounds awkward. I just can’t see this menacing figure only dropping one knock on the door. Maybe something like this: “Pounding on the door above sent a wave of terror through the family below.”
Closure:
Again, Grace, thank you for the opportunity to read your entry. I’ve enjoyed it and I’m looking forward to learning more about your story.
First Impression:
ReplyDeleteThe idea of a secret society run by the roll of a die is really intriguing!
Critique: I was going to go through this line by line, but I think some general thoughts would be better. To start off, the fact that you're undertaking the writing of a novel is awesome, Grace. Congratulations! You're doing something a lot of people only talk about. And putting your work out there for others to read is very brave.
I noticed a lot of adjectives in this excerpt. Trimming some would help with clarity, as things got a bit confusing and bogged down at times. There were also quite a few characters brought in for such a short block of text, which tends to muddy the waters. Taking the time to cut out adjectives and only keeping the best/most concise descriptions, as well as zeroing in on a few characters will make a big difference here. If the concept of people being taken was introduced a bit earlier and spelled out a little more clearly it would help your readers to understand exactly what's going on.
Again, congratulations. With some tweaking to enhance focus and clarity, this will be a great first scene!
Hi Grace,
ReplyDeleteI didn't read through the earlier comments so forgive me if I repeat. I like the "screams and echoes of chaos" but I think the first paragraph could go and the powerful opening is with your MC. The first paragraph feels like a prologue and not saying Yri was the name of the city when it's first introduced made me think it was the name of a character.
Ben could see, in the next paragraph would be more active as Ben saw and you don't need a comma after gray. You don't need warm to describe his breath either.
In the line about his heart pounding you don't need "seeming to" and the next line isn't needed. We know the house is quiet. "Outside view" feels awkward and could be outside eyes or something.
In the next paragraph we don't need the detail on the sister's ages, you could just say sisters.
The Lord Newmun's daughter section doesn't need the detail about the letter, an ill timed delivery would work.
You don't need the comma between damp and house or the "hot with anxiousness" it's implied.
Watch how many times you use cold and dead. In the last line of that sentence the "It was as if" breaks the flow. Maybe just saying the gales carried the last cries of the Taken. Although we don't know what the Taken are.
In the next paragraph "to see if" could be watching for movement instead.
I would change "snow made by the dice-demons" to Did the dice-demons make the snow?
When something squeaks I would say Ben jumped and Risha... And I would drop in fear from the end.
The next paragraph has outside twice, maybe out the window instead?
I like a lot about this scene, immediately you set up a sense of expenctancy, but watch for too much detail and extraneous adjectives. There are a lot of characters introduced and a lot going on with the ideas of the Taken and dice-demons so the more the rest is simplified the less bombarded the reader will feel. This is great premise and I think you have a lot of fantastic things to work with.
Jacqueline Eberli #6
Hiya!
ReplyDeleteFirst my opinion on the pitch: Genre: Fantasy
Pitch: Abducted into a secret society run by dice, Ben must save the outside world from ruthless thieves and his mental young leader, Fortune, from Fortune's mind before He destroys everything Ben holds dear... including himself.
Your pitch doesn't make any sense to me. I seems like you are trying to cram too much into it.
I'd suggest showing one specific thing that he want's to save, and ditching everything about saving the world, and himself. It's too big, and too small. Name one thing he holds dear, like is it his little brother, etc. Find his primary motivation, what does he find worthy of saving? Like I wouldn't be motivated to save the world because it's just too big. My brain couldn't handle it. But I would be very motivated to save the world because my children live here. That would be my motivation. I found Fortune very interesting, especially in this world ruled by the roll of a dice. I'd focus on that, on the odds.
On to the 500:
I'm not going to go into specifics, because it looks like several other people have done a great job with the line edits.
My general impression is that it has a killer hook There's a great build here before the knock on the door.
I think the issue here is that you are telling to much, and we haven't been able to dive into anyone's POV. It's very outside perspective watching as it goes down, instead of tucked behind a character's ears. If this is in Ben's POV, which I'd suggest that it be, then he wouldn't notice his siblings as the Westover Siblings, he's see them as Susan, Liam and Jill, and he'd notice them the way you'd notice your siblings in a dangerous scene. It wouldn't be " his mother, it'd be Mother." and as a Mom I would have to say that I would hate to be represented as a mom who hisses sternly when danger is happening. It feels so distant, like you've imagined the scene from the outside, not from the inside. So I'd suggest imagining what would happen if you were in your house with people you love during a drive by, or during an alien invasion, or whatever, and imagine how you would see these characters if they were about to die. Call the characters by the names the POV character would call them. Would Ben call his mother Mrs. Westside? There are so many names and characters being introduced at once, along with scary creatures, (Dice demons? cool) A creepy setting, and then the danger of someone showing up at the door. If you focus more on Ben's character's POV, then we won't be confused, and even if we are, (slightly) we will trust his character enough to pull us through it.
I hope this helps. I think it's a cool idea, and that you definitely have the chops to pull it off.
~Sheena Boekweg #11
Hi Grace!
ReplyDeleteLet me see if I can give you a different way of looking at all this!
From the top!
Genre: With Fantasy that's hard, but if you can be one level more specific do it! It's definitely Alt-World, but if there's magic go for High Fantasy.
Pitch: I think you're trying to put too much of your story in here. This is supposed to be a hook. If you've include more than two characters it has a tendency to dilute the reader's attention. The thing you have to remember is that this is for people who have never read your story so they don't have the same familiarity you or your beta readers do.
Because most Fantasy stakes are "Save the world, save yourself" you can worry more about making it clear how cool and different your story is. I'd suggest using the dice as an example of your plot. "Where the casting of a die can..." It sets world, tone, and character because it shows the kind of choices the MC faces starting out.
I know how hard this advice is to take because I face it myself. There's too much going on in my story I want to put it ALL in, but I can't. Focusing on the MC is the best way to get someone invested in YOUR story, start there.
First 500:
OK, I'm going to say it because it has to be said, not because I want you to change it! It's risky starting with weather. It's a cliche, it's distancing, and agents list it as a peeve. If you're doing it on purpose, if it has resonance with your story, or if it goes to character, then leave it, otherwise start closer to your character.
I notice that a lot of people are going into the copy edits, so I'm just going to give you general advice, pull back on the descriptions a little. For everything you describe eliminate one aspect of it. For every two adjectives you use, replace them with one that is so loaded it shows the character's bias for or against the thing. Trust your reader to fill in details of the world, but force them to see that world through your character's lense. That's the most powerful writing. What you describe, how you describe it tells as much about the character as the story they're about to read. Go read a bunch of first chapters of your favorite books and you'll see how others do this same thing.
I'm getting a very Dickensian/Thackery/late Victorian feel from your writing. So I'm guessing that's one of your major influences. I can't yet see where your fantasy influences are coming from so I can't help much there. You're going to get a lot of advice about modernizing your tale. It'll feel very disjointed for you because it's not the kind of story you want to tell. I'd recommend grabbing at least "Shades of Milk and Honey" by Mary Robinette Kowal. It's Regency (pitched as Jane Austen with Magic), but it's a shining example of how you can write in tribute to an older style while still pleasing modern sensibilities.
I hope I've managed to give you any advice that might help you! Feel free to shake your fist at the sky swearing at me, but if you'd like clarification Rachel can get ahold of me!
Stay true to your story! You can do it!
I think this pitch is a lot closer to what you're aiming for, but it needs another layer of revision to really shine. One of the tricks I do with my pitches is first make them excruciatingly true to my story and then make them sound like I imagine my MC would describe the same thing.
DeleteI think you're much closer on true, now take a hand at the voice/tone aspects by replacing some of these words with Ben's words.
Your edits have definitely tightened up your story! Now you're going to want to turn around and linger a little bit more. Introduce us to a few less characters, bring us in a little tighter to each one. They're your old friends, but we're just meeting them for the first time, help us love them as much as you do!
Hope you feel better about where your story is going, because, really, that's all that matters! Best of luck!
I think this pitch is a lot closer to what you're aiming for, but it needs another layer of revision to really shine. One of the tricks I do with my pitches is first make them excruciatingly true to my story and then make them sound like I imagine my MC would describe the same thing.
DeleteI think you're much closer on true, now take a hand at the voice/tone aspects by replacing some of these words with Ben's words.
Your edits have definitely tightened up your story! Now you're going to want to turn around and linger a little bit more. Introduce us to a few less characters, bring us in a little tighter to each one. They're your old friends, but we're just meeting them for the first time, help us love them as much as you do!
Hope you feel better about where your story is going, because, really, that's all that matters! Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteHi Grace! Thanks for letting me read and comment!
My comments are totally subjective, and I hope there is something useful in them for you.
The pitch:
--I’m confused. Perhaps it’s because I’m being too literal about it, but I’m picturing 6-sided dice with eyes. I’m really sorry if that’s way off. Also, “mental young leader” is confusing too. Do you mean “mental” like slang? Like “He’s gone mental!”
Again, I apologize if I’m way off base here, but here’s my go at revising the pitch:
--Abducted into a secret society, Ben must stop its wild leader from destroying the outside world and everything he loves, or die trying.
500 words (MY COMMENTS IN ALL CAPS):
Snow swirled in the icy wind through the opening dark clouds [CHANGE UP THE RHYTHM—YOU HAVE TOO MANY TWO-WORD DESCRIPTIONS GOING ON IN A SINGLE SENTENCE]. The lacey flakes, forced and awaken from the sky by a strange substance, drifted down upon Yri [THIS SENTENCE IS SLIGHTLY CONFUSING—IS YRI A PERSON OR A LOCATION? WATCH FOR GRAMMAR ALSO]. Screams and echoes of chaos drifted over the still city, under the noses of the dancing snow [“UNDER THE NOSES OF THE DANCING SNOW” CONFUSES ME. REMOVING THE NOSES PART WOULD PROBABLY HELP]. The last staggering people hurried into their wooden homes, locking themselves in. The city of Yri [AH! IT’S A CITY! I SUGGEST CLARIFYING THIS THE FIRST TIME YRI IS MENTIONED] was abandoned in cold and frozen silenence [SILENCE]
Yri was dead.
Ben could see the empty, [GREY STREETS] past his freezing nose and the window glass, fogging under his warm breath. His heart pounded in his ears, seeming to deafening [DEAFEN] the still [CHOOS EA DIFFEREMNT WORD—STILL HAS BEEN USED ALREADY], fear-filled house. The room was pin-drop silent except for a few gasping, struggled breaths. He slid his back down against the wall, trying to hide from the outside view, disturbing his shock-stricken brother’s legs.
He looked at the other side of the dim house where his older and two younger sisters shivered on either side of their mother.
The Lord Newmun’s daughter, now trapped with the Westside family after trying to drop another letter off for Ben, tried to hold back a sob [,] but it escaped past her throat.
Ben Westside and Risha Newmun exchanged a fearful look. [COMMENT: BEN HAS A PRETTY NORMAL NAME COMPARED TO THE OTHERS. IS THIS INTENTIONAL?]
The damp, house felt as if it were made of ice, but the family was sweating, hot with anxiousness. The wind screamed through the cold, dead fireplace and creaked against the walls of the house. It was as if the gales carried the last cries of the Taken.
Ben shifted his position, his back sliding against the wall, looking out the window again to see if any movement came from the streets. All he saw was snow on the wind and the cold corpse of the city street.
“There’s nothing,” he whispered.
“Maybe they went to some other spot in the city?” Liam barely spoke next to him, but it sounded as if he were shouting in Ben’s ears.
“It could’ve been a false alarm,” Jill said, stroking young Susan’s hair to put the trembling girl to sleep.
Thanks for the pitch idea! I really like it
Delete
ReplyDelete“Children, please,” his mother hissed sternly, “Keep your voices down and they may pass.”
“I want papa,” Susan whimpered before sighing.
“Do you think the snow was made by the dice-demons?” Liam asked, disobeying his mother, loud enough to make them all gasp.
“Don’t be silly.” Jill made a face.
Something outside squeaked. Ben jumped in fear at the sudden noise. Risha let out a hiccupped yelp. Mrs. Westside covered the Lord Newmun’s daughter’s mouth quickly before she could scream in fear.
Horse hooves echoed outside. Ben slumped further down and peeked outside. [CHOOSE ANOTHER WORD THAN OUTSIDE SINCE IT WAS USED IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE]
A huge black carriage wheel rolled past the low window, casting a shadow on the floor. A second squeaked and stopped in the fallen snow, just inches away from Ben’s nose. His heart leaped. Liam held his breath next to him.
“Come away from that window, boys,” Mrs. Westside whispered, motioning with her pale hand.
Liam slowly stumbled over next to Risha.
A knock pounded once on the door.
General comments:
If you can clarify your pitch to show who, what the stakes are, and what the twist is, it will help ground the reader. Also, try to avoid using the same words too much. Snow is used a lot, for example. A good first sentence will hook the reader in as well—your first sentence is description, but perhaps starting with a little bit of action will draw the reader in.
Hope this helps! :-)
Hi Grace XD
ReplyDeleteSo as someone who has read this book and is now helping you with the revisions I won't say too much except that I agree with Lana about opening with the weather. Also, since I know Ben's siblings don't really show up again, I'd leave them unnamed. You also might want to straight off establish who Risha is. I don't think the other people here know of her importance XD
Hello Grace,
ReplyDeleteSo please forgive me if I repeat something someone else has commented on. I haven't read the previous posts. So I can tell you right now, I'm a fan. I love fantasy. So let's start at your pitch.
Pitch: Abducted into a secret society run by dice, Ben must save the outside world from ruthless thieves and his mental young leader, Fortune, from Fortune's mind before He destroys everything Ben holds dear... including himself. [I understand the first six words until we get to dice. Are these dice actual dice, or is this a name for a person, a group of people, or something entirely? Maybe some more detail would help. Then when you mention 'his mental young leader, Fortune, from Fortune's mind...' this confused me and I think I know what you are trying to convey here. I think if you reword this, nobody would have to reread this. :-)]
First 500:
Snow swirled in the icy wind through the opening dark clouds. The lacey flakes, forced and awaken from the sky by a strange substance, drifted down upon Yri. Screams and echoes of chaos drifted over the still city, under the noses of the dancing snow. The last staggering people hurried into their wooden homes, locking themselves in. The city of Yri was abandoned in cold and frozen silenence.
Yri was dead. [Okay again, please forgive me if someone already mentioned this, but be careful opening your story describing the weather. It been done so much, agents are sick and tired of it. Think outside the box. I see in the first couple of paragraphs you describe what the weather is like through your character. This slow your pacing and you need to get to the initial incident as soon as possible to ground your read and make them want to read more. I also notice a lot of adjectives (i.g. cold and frozen silence, dancing snow, and fearful look).
It was as if the gales carried the last cries of the Taken. [I want to know more about the Taken. What is this? How does this happen?] 1/2
Ben shifted his position, his back sliding against the wall, looking out the window again to see if any movement came from the streets. All he saw was snow on the wind and the cold corpse of the city street.
ReplyDelete“There’s nothing,” he whispered. [When I read 'the cold corpse in the street' the first think that came to mind was the fact you used cold several times in the first couple hundred words. Redundancy is not our friend. Try to think of another word to use. The other thing I was thinking was the fact the next sentence, your MC says there's nothing outside. There's a cold corpse outside! Either this is a normal occurrence so nobody's alarmed, or this is a big deal which he should probably be reacting to it. I may be way off base with this, but I just wanted to point out my first reaction.
“Maybe they went to some other spot in the city?” Liam barely spoke next to him, but it sounded as if he were shouting in Ben’s ears.
“It could’ve been a false alarm,” Jill said, stroking young Susan’s hair to put the trembling girl to sleep. [This is great. I'm very curious about who these people are who are searching the city, for something. Good job. This makes me want to read further. The next sentence, i like the imagery I get form this!]
“Children, please,” his mother hissed sternly, “Keep your voices down and they may pass.” [This sentence should be: "Children, please," his mother hissed sternly. "Keep your voices down and they may pass."]
“I want papa,” Susan whimpered before sighing. [You should think about using more she/he said and steer clear of using Susan whimpered or mother hissed or anything similar to this. Using dialogue tags such as said, is best. The reader sort of ignores the word said which keep them buried in your story which you want. Each time you use a word like whispered, it pulls the reader out of the story. Besides, using words other than said is telling. You want to lean more to showing than telling every time. Not to say there aren't time when you should use telling words. You just need to find the right balance. I'm still trying to find it! :-)]
Ben jumped in fear at the sudden noise. [I think it might be best to eliminate the word fear, which again is telling.]
A huge black carriage wheel rolled past the low window, casting a shadow on the floor. A second squeaked and stopped in the fallen snow, just inches away from Ben’s nose. His heart leaped. Liam held his breath next to him. [I was confused about where they are. I think they are in a house but when you mention a carriage wheel casts a shadow on the floor, it almost doesn't' see plausible they are in a house.]
Overall, this really interests me, but I do think you should think about changing the fist few paragraph and start with something that doesn't deal with the weather. You can mention the snow in passing, but don't focus on it. Good job and good luck! :-)
Monica M. Hoffman
Hi :) This is Maddie from entry three
ReplyDeletePitch:
I like the start of your pitch. Immediately, I'm insanely curious about a secret society run by dice. Awesome premise :) Reading on, I'm a little confused by the wording. At first, I thought you meant Ben was most concerned about saving himself, but I think you mean he's most concerned about saving Fortune?
-"from Fortune's mind before He destroys everything Ben holds dear... including himself."- I think "He" doesn't need to be capitalized right here. I think I'm sensing either a super close friendship or something romantic between Ben and Fortune. Either way, I'm excited. The pitch has stakes and plot.
First 500 Words:
-The writing is very beautiful and descriptive, but I was hoping the story would start with Ben. Maybe this would be a better opening line, "Yri was dead." Then you could delve into introducing Ben right away and what the city means to him and the destruction around him?
-"His heart pounded in his ears, seeming to deafening the still, fear-filled house."- If you remove "seeming to" and just kept "deafening the...", I think the sentence would read a lot more smoother.
-"The room was pin-drop silent except for a few gasping, struggled breaths."-I really like the pin-drop silent description. It gives me the pleasant, reading shivers :D
-This is reminding me of Attack on Titan a little bit :)
-I'm feeling disconnected with Ben. I want to feel terrified of what is about to happen. I want Ben to be nearly having a panic attack over the thought of losing his family. So maybe the ending of the first 500 words could have a little more emotion?
Overall:
This is a cool premise that is really, really interesting. I want to know what the danger is. I think you did a great job getting readers curious and invested with little words. Right now, I feel more invested in the plot over Ben and I want to feel as equally worried about the plot as I am about Ben.
Preamble: First off, sorry to be so late in the game, hope this is still helpful! Working offline over crepes, so I may repeat previous comments :)
ReplyDeletePitch: Upon first reading, I’m a little lost. Getting more specific might help to orient and hook your reader. What form does the leader’s madness take? Lots of crazy villains out there, so this needs to be as concrete and original as possible. Is the reliance on dice a part of that? What, specifically, does Ben hold dear and how is it threatened?
First 500: Your wintertime city is very spooky and suspenseful. I think you can make it even more so by starting with a tight closeup instead of zooming in from a panorama, if that makes sense…start right inside Ben’s head, show his fear as he’s flattening himself against the wall, trying to catch a glimpse of what’s going on outside without being seen. Stick with his perspective (e.g. when talking about being anxious and sweaty with fear, for example – you “zoom out” when you say so about all the occupants of the house.)
At the same time, though, watch out for “filter” constructions like “He could see the empty, grey streets…” – they put your reader a step outside Ben’s head so that we’re observing him, not seeing what he sees.
I found I got a bit muddled with all the people in the house. If they all need to be there right away, can you play up some distinctive descriptions for your reader to attach to the names, maybe? Or have them hiding elsewhere in the house so you can hold off on introducing them right away – maybe have one person with him, and another sneak out to join him…? No idea if that works with what follows these first 500 words, though!
Preamble: First off, sorry to be so late in the game, hope this is still helpful! Working offline over crepes, so I may repeat previous comments :)
ReplyDeletePitch: Upon first reading, I’m a little lost. Getting more specific might help to orient and hook your reader. What form does the leader’s madness take? Lots of crazy villains out there, so this needs to be as concrete and original as possible. Is the reliance on dice a part of that? What, specifically, does Ben hold dear and how is it threatened?
First 500: Your wintertime city is very spooky and suspenseful. I think you can make it even more so by starting with a tight closeup instead of zooming in from a panorama, if that makes sense…start right inside Ben’s head, show his fear as he’s flattening himself against the wall, trying to catch a glimpse of what’s going on outside without being seen. Stick with his perspective (e.g. when talking about being anxious and sweaty with fear, for example – you “zoom out” when you say so about all the occupants of the house.)
At the same time, though, watch out for “filter” constructions like “He could see the empty, grey streets…” – they put your reader a step outside Ben’s head so that we’re observing him, not seeing what he sees.
I found I got a bit muddled with all the people in the house. If they all need to be there right away, can you play up some distinctive descriptions for your reader to attach to the names, maybe? Or have them hiding elsewhere in the house so you can hold off on introducing them right away – maybe have one person with him, and another sneak out to join him…? No idea if that works with what follows these first 500 words, though!
Hiya Grace :)
ReplyDeleteSo there's been a lot of helpful comments which I agree with on your pitch so all I will say is The idea of Dice determining things is awesome and I love the play between dice and the leader's name being Fortune. :) Once you find your stride in the rest I'm sure it will sing.
500: I think if you're going to open with weather than hook us with the line : Screams and echoes of chaos drifted over the still city. -- it's creepy and intriguing right away. Then maybe get inside Ben's head wondering why this freaky snow is everywhere and the fear he's experiencing.
I think if you concentrated on Ben and Risha and let the others fade and marinate you could pull us in more. It's easier getting caught up in one or two peoples intense emotions instead of a bunch when I don't know enough about them yet to care so much...yet ;)
The Taken, and Dice demons are all so interesting, I want to know more! Can't wait to see your revisions cause I think your idea is really cool and there are a lot of things that are working. Once you eliminate some of the things bogging it up I think it will shine.
Hi Grace, this is Jen, entry #9. You already have a lot of line-by-line notes, so I’m just going to give you my overall impression.
ReplyDeleteI’m getting a sense that all is not well, but I’m not sure I understand why. You’re paying a lot of attention to how everyone is reacting to whatever terrible thing is happening, but without knowing what that thing is, I’m struggling to connect to the characters.
You also have a LOT of characters in this opening, but you’re not really giving us much to distinguish them. It makes the whole thing a little hard to follow.
And all the jumping and gasping seems a little over-reactionary. Especially if this is as dangerous as you want us to believe it is, I think it would be more compelling if everyone actually did stay silent with fear.
You have an interesting premise. I think you just need to tighten up the writing, and focus on how to build the anticipation of whatever terrible thing is about to happen (and maybe tell us what that is!)
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ReplyDeleteI like your opening two lines. Simple. direct. Get us curious.
ReplyDeleteThroughout, you have a lot of nouns cuddling next to adjectives. It bogs down you words. Some aren't at all necessary. I.e. Grey streets and frosty banks. Grey streets, how many other colors of streets are there? Are the streets piling along the houses? I think you have a dangling modifier. And isn't it a given that banks are frosty? Maybe use 'empty streets' and simply say 'snow'. I see you were going for a certain rhythm, but I think it takes more than it adds. You could also use stronger nouns or verb as opposed to adjectives. I.e. 'Ben slid his freezing hands off the glass and slid against the wall, ducking away from sight.' can become 'Seized by the cold, the window froze Ben's fingers as he leaned against it. He yanked his hand from the glass, turned around with his back to the wall sliding to the floor. Ducking from sight... IDK. Not sure if that is necessarily better, but that would be an example of letting more powerful verbs and nouns describe the scene.
You have left some curious suspense. It's a good scene that makes us want to see more.
REVISION:
ReplyDeleteHi Grace!
You’ve done a lot of work on your piece, and I think it reads a lot better. I have just a few callouts, listed below.
Pitch:
“He’s expected to save his homeland and fiancée, by his insane leader Fortune, from ruthless thieves and his leader’s mind.”: The first sent of the pitch reads fine and states the interesting premise of the roll of the dice clearly. This one, I’m still having trouble with. Maybe if you said, “He’s expected to save his homeland and fiancée from ruthless thieves by manipulating his insane leader’s mind.” I don’t think it’s necessary to call out Fortune. It’s an interesting tid-bit but it distracts in this sentence. Also, you don’t have to necessarily lump the leader and the thieves together in order to get the point across.
Revision:
Overall, this reads a lot smoother, but I do have a few callouts.
You keep coming back to the idea that the city of Yri is dead, and this city really isn’t dead. We see the people running to their homes, we know Ben and his family are in it, so dead seems to come across as extreme. What if you turn this idea into a sickness or abandonment instead? Such as, “The grey streets and frosty banks left Yri abandoned. His heart pounded in his ears and chest.” This seems more likely (and in this version it actually removes the passive voice of “was”). The imagery of death in the city before we actually see the Dark carriage seems too much.
I like the change of Ben being in the front and looking at the broken door latch. It puts his safety in immediate danger and heightens the anxiety of the scene.
For the line that reads “Only the thin glass between was between it and him,” consider rewordinjg to drop one of the betweens.
Also, I have a hard time thinking Ben can actually see the city for miles around in the line, “All he could see was the cold corpse of the city…” The fact that he sees people running into their homes makes me feel like he can see his street only—and only a small portion at that.
The last note I have is for the “No one was there” bit. As a carriage just drove up, I find it hard to think that Ben would see it as “No one” being there. Instead, I think his biggest concern is that someone actually IS there. Does that make sense?
As usual, these are just one persons opinions, so fee free to take it or leave it and good luck to you!
Only the thin glass between was between it and him,” ... Thanks for pointing this out! I didn't catch this typo until now....it's suppose to read: "only the thin glass was between him and it " but I think somehow I double typed it :)
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ReplyDeleteThis is really creepy. I can feel it now with this revision. The changes you made really pumped this up and I seriously was sitting on the edge of my seat. Fantastic job. I did see a couple areas that it looks like Katie found as well. Otherwise, wonderful! Good luck with Pitch Wars and keep in touch!
ReplyDeleteRevision Critique:
ReplyDeleteGrace, you have clearly done a TON of work on this opening, and it's paid off. Your revision is much tighter than the original, which was a bit confusing. This reads clearly, gives a great sense of place and tension, and does a much better job of narrowing in on your MC. Fantastic job!
Your first line is excellent--it draws your reader right in and made me want to know more about what was going on in this city. The only thing that could still use some tweaking is towards the end.
"They all sat in the still silence, listening to the snowfall on their house and cave them in, holding their breaths. Ben looked outside again and the dark wheel just outside it. No one was there."
Your first sentence there is a little confusing in the way it's worded. A re-word for grammar and clarity would help. Also, I agree with Katie about saying there's no one by the carriage when Ben is clearly looking for someone. Maybe try something along the lines of "Ben looked outside again to where the dark carriage wheel loomed outside the window. There was no sign of the driver. A knock pounded once on the door." How you word things is, of course, up to you!
Fantastic job. You've done a lot and it's made a bit difference.
Hi Grace, this is Kiernan at #4. I wasn't one of your original reviewers but I've read both and I agree, your revision really shines! You've clarified some confusing points and ratcheted up the stakes and tension. The only thing I thought could still use a little work was your end, when you have a lot of very short sentences following one another. I'm a fan of short, crisp sentences, but I do like them balanced with lengthier and more descriptive phrases. This is a personal preference though, so if it doesn't work for your story, please disregard. Overall, this reads really strong!
ReplyDeleteHi Grace,
ReplyDeleteWaaaa! This is so much better I had to scream a little. A couple nit picky things that I don't think have been addressed. The first two sentences could be one and bam! Most incredible first line. Why is it snowing in summer the reader wants to know. Love that. Fortune doesn't need to be named in the pitch. When he slides down from the window the word slid is used twice in that sentence, I would consider changing one of them. The detail about the fiance is brilliant and makes me afraid for her too. In the line about the wheel looming the word outside is used twice, I would consider cutting one. Other than that I think this is a great revision. Good Job!
Jacqueline #6
Hi Grace,
ReplyDeleteHoly moly you've worked hard on this revision! It feels like a completely different voice and for the better! You've clarified a lot of things, and my only comments are to try not to use Ben's name as much--maybe replace with "he" instead, and perhaps give it a few read-throughs to see where you can string some of the ideas together so it's not quite as choppy. But, overall, I'm super-impressed with this edit!