Yes, because death by lab-partner was exactly how I wanted to end my short life. The clock struck the hour. Only seven minutes to book my late rear to school for bio presentation Thunderdome. The doorbell rang. I cradled the remains of my project against my chest. It rang again, filling the front hall with a stacatto ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong.
"Hey!" I called after them, but they were already climbing in their van. It screeched away in a cloud of noxious fumes.
Name: Jessica Bloczynski
Genre: YA sci-fi
Title: Silverblood
35 word pitch: When fifteen-year-old Izzy stumbles upon her dad's plan to save her dying sister with stolen nanobots, she is forced to confront that her is sister is no longer human and dangerous. Very dangerous.
First 500: I brought a fistful of dry Froot Loops to my mouth— and missed. Cereal rained down my shirt. One rogue purple ring floated, like a cheerful life-preserver, smack dab in the middle of the petri dish. I coaxed the cereal out of the pink, gooey agar. Maybe not noticeable if you didn't look too hard. I pushed my glasses up and looked again. Powdered rainbow carnage coated the dish and the kitchen counter. No, totally noticeable for the not blind-from-birth set. A trail of suddenly sickening fake-fruity spit ran down the back of my throat.
Awesome.
Yes, because death by lab-partner was exactly how I wanted to end my short life. The clock struck the hour. Only seven minutes to book my late butt to school for bio presentation Thunderdome. The doorbell rang. I cradled the remains of my project against my chest. It rang again, filling the front hall with a staccato ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong.
Awesome.
Yes, because death by lab-partner was exactly how I wanted to end my short life. The clock struck the hour. Only seven minutes to book my late butt to school for bio presentation Thunderdome. The doorbell rang. I cradled the remains of my project against my chest. It rang again, filling the front hall with a staccato ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong.
Impatient, much? Kicking open the door, I squinted through morning glare that bounced off the delivery guy's bald head and electronic signing pad. “Delivery for Eli Silverstein.”
I jerked my chin at the empty driveway. Dad had left hours ago. At the lab, as per usual. I swallowed a mouthful of Froot Loop mush. “He's not here.”
“Look, kid, just sign the form.”
With a lot of sweaty armpits and über-manly grunting, two more delivery dudes hauled a hugenormous, plastic-looking crate onto the porch. It see-sawed on the top step. Delivery Guy One dropped his pad on top of my petri dishes and pirouetted toward the toppling crate. Too late, dude. The crate slow-mo crashed into the porch railing. Glass tinkled, a lightning-bolt shaped rift split the side of the crate, and a weird silvery liquid dribbled from a row of small holes along the bottom.
“Nice moves.” Setting my—possibly salvageable— project on the porch railing, I squiggled my signature onto the pad. “Hope you guys have insurance.” Behind us, the other two hoisted the box upright, and more silver stuff oozed out, running between the slats in the porch floor. The nose-tickling scent of moldy leaves and metal rose from beneath.
“You have any problems, have your dad call this number.” He held out a yellow slip of paper. Speedy Delivery – For all your shipping needs. Fast, Friendly, Affordable. Guess they couldn't figure out another F word.
He made a wide turn. One elbow slammed into my project and two weeks of carefully cultured bacteria soared into the bushes.
"Hey!” I rushed to the railing. “That was rude!”
"Hey!” I rushed to the railing. “That was rude!”
Jerkfaces!
But if they heard me at all, they made no sign, and just climbed in their van screeching away in a cloud of noxious fumes.
The morning sun hit my upended petri dishes, the large partially damaged box, and a small amount of silver liquid pooling at the box corner. I know I should have minded my own business, salvaged what I could of my presentation, and let Dad's box be Dad's problem. But the silver stuff had such a funky shimmer, the way the light bounced off it.
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteYour voice is very strong and full of energy and humour and the scene with the delivery men is excellent. I’m just as curious as Izzy about Dad’s box.
For me, the first couple of paragraphs were a little confusing. There was a lot going on between the voice, the cereal and the science project and I had to read it a couple of times to work it out.
I think the story really gets going when Izzy answers the door and you launch into a hilarious and vivid description of the delivery men and the teetering box. This makes me wonder whether you actually need the introductory paragraphs at all. Perhaps just something very short about how Izzy’s already running late when the doorbell rings would be enough.
The other thing is that Izzy has a science experiment going on and Dad has a science experiment going on. This is quite a lot of science. Unless Izzy’s science project is very important in some way to your plot (which it easily could be), perhaps you could replace it with some other kind of class presentation, so that the reader’s attention is fully focused on the silvery liquid and not distracted by petri dishes.
These are just small points. Overall, I think you have a really strong opening. Great work and hope this was of help!
Howdy Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI agree. The voice is solid, and hilarious. I love the thunder dome, the death by lab partner, and the spilled breakfast saved for future snacking. I'm hooked by the box, and the concept and the pitch really works for me.
I would suggest adding a few more hints of the speculative earlier on. If she lives in a world with cybertech, how has that influenced her breakfast routine? Can you give me some verbal clues that she's in a scifi novel, like look up at the hologram news reporter, or check some kind of tech something or other, or give a hint that this timeline isn't the one we're living in. Not much, but just like froot loop dust on a vidscreen, a report about cybertech corp buying another company, or maybe some milk could spill on her dad's notes from work, and you could drop the name of the company earlier on.
Best of luck!
Nothing much to add in here. Voice is strong, and I like the pitch. I would like to see the speculative elements woven into the opening more.
ReplyDeleteAh, but it's also contemporary and the speculative element is a surprise to the MC. All she knows is her dad has a top secret job in biotech, not the details. She interacts with the silver stuff on page three and it becomes stuck to her skin and off we go with the spec element. Thanks for your thoughts, guys.
ReplyDeleteHi Jessica!
ReplyDeleteThis looks like a crazy fun journey to find a cure from the pitch! The voice is pretty funny except she doesn't seem to flip out too much about the ruined fence and the fact these delivery guys don't seem to respect their property. I could relate with the character somewhat though so it didn't distract me too much.
Is the stolen cyborg her science experiment that is ruined by those guys? If it is then maybe she should flip out a little more since it's the cure for her sister right?
~Cayla (#2)
Thing is, at this point it's just some weird thing for her dad. She has no idea what it is. A big part of the journey of this story is her figuring out just what her dad is up to.
ReplyDeleteHi Jessica!! :D
ReplyDeleteI'm going to crit your entry thoroughly, but remember that all advice is subjective in the art world and you are more than welcome to burn mine if it's totally opposite of what you think is best for YOUR story! :D
Your voice is fantastic. You have a way of capturing the everyday things that everyone understands, like the cart crashing and the smashed cereal, in pithy, voice-y snippets. I don't have much to say on your entry because it is obvious you have polished this. What I do have to say is this:
1. You mention a dying sister. If she is in this condition at the same time the story starts, I'm surprised she's not on Izzy's mind even briefly.
2. You say the spec elements don't show up until page three. Absolutely nothing wrong with that! :D But if the story leans more in the contemp. direction, maybe call it a contemporary with sci-fi elements. Buuuuuut I'm probably wrong on this and regardless, you'll get away with the sci-fi label. Because it's got science, and it's fiction. Therefore, science fiction! :D
3. A nitpicky detail: " two weeks of carefully cultured bacteria soared into the bushes." I think you mean two weeks worth :D
This is great!! :D Way to go!!
Thing is, at this point it's just some weird thing for her dad. She has no idea what it is. A big part of the journey of this story is her figuring out just what her dad is up to.
ReplyDeleteI really like your pitch. It made me think that the story was going to be futuristic though and I was actually pleasantly surprised that it seemed contemporary. Also, there isn't a lot of humor in sci-fi so I loved that yours made me smile. The voice and pacing was great.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with maybe changing her project to something that doesn't involve science, just to aid in being less confusing. Of course, maybe she wants to be like her dad and science is really important to her. I'm just guessing here. I would have liked to see her get a little more upset about the carelessness of the delivery guys too; makes for a stronger character.
Otherwise, I really don't have much to say. Sounds like a great story.
Hi Jessica!
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot! I know nothing about sci-fi so I may not be the most helpful reader but this feels to me like a really original concept with a nice, grounded feel to it. I think as we are easing into the story, we may need things slowed down for us a bit. There are a lot of pieces to add up very quickly. I think what others have said about the science project might be one good solution. Given your pitch, I kept looking to that petri dish as something more than what it was. Of course, once I re-read I wasn't confused, but ideally readers won't have to go back.
The pitch is great, and very tight. It may be unrealistic to expect this in 35 words--but is there a way for you to hint that this book has some humor in it, despite the high stakes? It seems like a unique approach for the genre. Might give you an edge :)
Best of luck!
Katy
I like Izzy’s voice – she’s got a fun and witty way of speaking that I think you can do a lot with. I must admit that I feel a little lost in your first paragraph. I don’t know who is eating the Fruit Loops. Is your character a boy or girl? By the end of your first 500 I still don’t know (except from reading your pitch). Since I don’t know this character, the line about the spit is a little off-putting. Also, what is agar? You might need to explain that word.
ReplyDeleteThe silvery stuffy leaking from the box is very intriguing. And with a scientist for a father, it certainly could be anything. I’m curious to see what she’ll do about it, and with the ruined science experiment. I see a lot of potential for an interesting story.
Jenny (#4)
One more thing - I like your title a lot!
ReplyDeleteI love this pitch and the 500. The only thing I wanted more of is her reaction to the delivery guys ruining her science experiment. In my head I see a teen telling them off, whether it be in her head or vocally. I don't mind at all that she and her dad have science going on at the start, in fact I like it better than her just working on a term paper or something mundane. YAY Science :)
ReplyDeleteI like the humor and I'm interested in what's in that box and her voice that I want to read more :)
Jessicaaaaaaa :),
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line is probably the "they couldn't think of another F word" concept. Very good! I love the Froot loops at the beginning--I drop cereal all the time, too -_-
Some things to look at when revising:
It took me forever to infer that this was a girl talking. I didn't get a very strong indication of gender or age right off the bat, despite the kidding voice.
Also, I feel like the delivery guys are way super careless! First they drop her dad's delivery, and then they wreck her project. If they work for a professional delivery company, you think they'd be less incompetent.
All in all, I love the concrete details! I feel like all my senses are involved in this scene, and I'm excited to see what Izzy will do next :)
-Molly (@mollycluff)
I didn't care for the number of words devoted to fruit loops. To me, they seemed the main character of the first 500. I also thought the 1st 500 was adjective heavy. Some of the description seemed melodramatic. But, I can see you were taking risks with your descriptions and some have spunk. I see them as either hit or miss. You have a lot of silvery/silver and (word)-looking objects. Best modifier: not blind-from-birth.
ReplyDeleteOn the Pitch: Flip "is no longer human and dangerous" to "is dangerous, and no longer human". Otherwise it reads like she's no longer dangerous.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of personality in this excerpt. Some good, spunky modifiers. They have a lot of power. But, I feel modifiers with personality loose power when used in abundance. I could see why you would want to keep them, but I feel they would hold more power if seasoned lighter.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow! I am so intrigued by your pitch now! Would love to find out why her sister is so dangerous now – and what Izzy can do about it!
ReplyDeleteYou do a fantastic job with Izzy’s voice. Your set-up is great. Not only does Izzy have the real-world problem of her destroyed science project, which we can all relate to, but she has the unusual problem of a strange silver liquid on her front porch. Your descriptions are vivid, and you do a nice job of showing the sorts of things Izzy would notice, and that says a lot about who she is.
I would have her say “My dad’s not here” because later the delivery guy tells her to have her dad “call this number”. But how would he know Eli Silverstein is her dad?
When she squiggles her signature on the pad you could put her name there like this: I squiggled my signature – Izzy Silverstein – on the pad. Then readers would know her name, and that she’s a girl.
Good luck with this!
The new pitch doesn't really make sense to me. It's closer, but it's not working. I'd suggest changing the when to After, Like After POV discovers that her dad saved her dying sister through nanobot technology, she must... And I'd suggest changing the last few words of the pitch. Instead of Dangerous. Very dangerous, I'd suggest you show us. Like no longer human and out for blood, or show sister's goal, like out to destroy. or designed to kill, or I don't know. You only have a few words, but I think you can show us she's dangerous, instead of telling us.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the first 250 goes, it's awesome. I'd keep reading.
Looks like you've gotten some solid feedback already Jessica—I like where this is going for sure! Looking back between your first pitch and your second, I think I actually like elements of the first more. I like hearing she's injected herself with this stuff (especially that she does it accidentally because from the get-go in your first scene, we get she's kind of a klutz) and that's lost in your second pitch. Perhaps you could merge the two somehow? (I know, it's hard when we only get 35 words here!) I think the second pitch hangs me up with nanobots--I don't know what those are and have no frame of reference so it's hard for me to react to them as a reader.
ReplyDeleteI'm also enjoying the voice - Izzy's snark is loud and clear and engaging!
ReplyDeleteI think I'd strike the final reference to the Froot Loop mush, though (unless you can have her chewing a too-big mouthful on her way to the door or something, but that might be pushing it) - also, "that was rude" fell a little flat for me as a parting shot, given the above-mentioned previous snark.
Not much else to add. This sounds super fun to read!
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteSorry I was away all week so hope you will find this at some stage.
The main change I can see is to your pitch but I think I prefer the first one. It seems to me that your writer’s voice comes through much more in that one than in the second. The phrase ‘stolen cyborg tech’ is very good. It’s descriptive, yet concise. Even though I’ve no idea what stolen cyborg tech is, it sounds more accessible than stolen nanobots. Also the phrase ‘she is forced to confront that’ is awkward. It would need to be something like ‘she is forced to confront her sister who is no longer human.’ Perhaps there is some way you can combine the first part of the first pitch with the second part of the second one???
Personally, I preferred the delivery men’s exit in the first version. I liked the way they were gone before Izzy had a chance to react!
Anyway, these are minor details. it’s a great opening and the best of luck with it,
MVB