Name: Katy Loutzenhiser (@katyloutz)
Genre: Contemporary YA
Title: Maddy Makes Three
35-Word Pitch: Hidden behind an ironically named Cannon Rebel, Maddy has been clicking along from the sidelines - until an illicit road trip with her friends and crush sends her blundering through life on the wild side.
First 500:
You pass your exit on the highway. What do you do?
(a) Pull off onto the emergency lane and wait for help.
(b) Look for a break in traffic and make a U-turn. Or,
(c) Get off at the next exit and turn around.
Okay yes, (a) might sound a bit ridiculous but if we’re honest with ourselves, I think we’ve all thought this way once or twice in our lives. Maybe, if I curl up in a ball and wait, someone will swoop in and fix things for me.
(b) is admittedly reckless but I appreciate its rebellious flare. Fight the current! Danger be darned! The word “should” has no place in the vocabularies of (b) people. I am not a (b) person.
That leaves (c): get off at the next exit and turn around. Clearly (c) is the solution to the missed-exit dilemma. Accept your mistake, cut your losses, and avoid any major catastrophes. (c) is the sensible answer, and according to the state of Massachusetts, the correct one.
But here’s where I take issue with this particular parentally-mandated driving school conundrum. Sometimes (c) isn’t an option. Sometimes you miss your exit and there is no second exit. And since, as discussed, (a) and (b) aren’t suitable options, you’re stuck, barreling ahead into the vast and infinite unknown.
In such instances, I propose an alternative:
(d) Make a road trip out of it.
MILE 0
I closed one eye and stared idly through the viewfinder. The little square caught trees and windows, sliding forward and back with the twisting lens. Georgia rested quietly beside me, her door left open to the summer breeze. I noticed she’d set back the trip odometer. Huh, I thought. That seemed weirdly festive of her. A burst of red flashed by the frame. Rose was barreling down her front steps, a fiery mop of pinned-up curls bouncing along behind her.
“EpiPen and inhaler,” she said as she slid into the back.
“You forget those but not your hot pink legwarmers,” I retorted, dead-panned.
“Hey,” said Rose. “Both vital.” Georgia laughed mid-yawn and Rose leaned in between us. “You know. Unlike Maddy here, I can actually drive.” I poked my tongue out playfully.
“It’s not really a question of can,” said Georgia, the yawns growing bigger. “More a matter of a should.” Rose nodded, accepting this. Since getting her license, she’d already crashed her mother’s car. Twice.
Georgia pulled up her seat and I returned my camera to its case. “So,” said Rose to me. “Are you completely freaking out?”
“I could ask you the same question.”
Rose shook her head wisely. “I don’t experience guilt. I think I was a bird in a past life."
Georgia was bent forward beneath the wheel now, searching at her feet. “What does that have to do with anything?” she asked, straining.
Rose shrugged. “How many guilty birds do you see flying around?”
Name: Katy Loutzenhiser (@kloutzen)
Title: MADDY MAKES THREE
Genre: Contemporary
Revised 35 Word Pitch: Teen photographer Maddy Taylor has been hiding behind the lens - until a trip to find Georgia's mysterious dad sends her hurtling toward trouble with a carful of unlikely friends and the boy she's always loved.
Revised First 500:
You pass your exit on the highway. What do you do?
(a) Pull off onto the emergency lane and wait for help.
(b) Look for a break in traffic and make a U-turn. Or,
(c) Get off at the next exit and turn around.
Okay yes, (a) might sound a bit ridiculous but if we’re honest with ourselves, I think we’ve all thought this way once or twice in our lives. Maybe, if I curl up in a ball and wait, someone will swoop in and fix things for me.
(b) is admittedly reckless but I appreciate its rebellious flare. Fight the current! Danger be darned! The word “should” has no place in the vocabularies of (b) people. I am not a (b) person.
That leaves (c): get off at the next exit and turn around. Clearly (c) is the solution to the missed-exit dilemma. Accept your mistake, cut your losses, and avoid any major catastrophes. (c) is the sensible answer, and according to the state of Massachusetts, the correct one.
But here’s where I take issue with this particular parentally-mandated driving school conundrum. Sometimes (c) isn’t an option. Sometimes you miss your exit and there is no second exit. And since, as discussed, (a) and (b) aren’t suitable options, you’re stuck, barreling ahead into the vast and infinite unknown.
In such instances, I propose an alternative:
(d) Make a road trip out of it.
Mile 0
I closed one eye and peeked out through the viewfinder. The little square caught flowery branches, sliding forward and back with the camera’s twisting lens. I glanced beside me and laughed under my breath. Georgia stayed face-planted into the steering wheel, arms dangling, her door left open to the summer breeze. I noticed she’d set back the trip odometer. Huh, I thought, returning to my tree. That seemed weirdly festive of her. A burst of red hair streaked across the frame. Rose was barreling down her front steps, a shimmering mop of pinned-up curls bouncing along behind her.
“EpiPen and inhaler,” she said as she slid into the back.
I blinked back at her. “You forget those but not your hot pink leg warmers.”
“Hey,” said Rose. “Both vital.” Georgia snorted into the wheel and Rose leaned in between us. “You know. Unlike Maddy here, I can actually drive.” I rolled my eyes. Hilarious.
“It’s not really a question of can,” said Georgia through a yawn. “More a matter of a should.” Rose nodded, accepting this. Since getting her license, she’d already crashed her mother’s car. Twice.
Georgia gave herself a wide-eyed shake and started rummaging through her bag.
“So,” said Rose. She gave my hair a little pat. “Are you completely freaking out?”
“I could ask you the same question,” I said quickly.
Rose shook her head. “I don’t experience guilt. I think I was a bird in a past life.”
Georgia was bent forward beneath the wheel now. “What does that have to do with anything?” she asked, straining.
Rose shrugged. “How many guilty birds do you see flying around?”
Starting from the top!
ReplyDeleteGenre: You contemp people have it so easy!
Pitch: OK, there's no easy way to say this... I think the brand is Canon Rebel? There, it's out there. I don't regret it!
Now to the content!
I think it would be stronger if you flipped the first sentence. Because while I do know my camera brands, it's not immediately clear that's what you mean. If you do "Maddy has been clicking along from the sidelines, hidden behind an ironically named Canon Rebel" it loses a SMIDGE of it's power but gains MILES of clarity, and clarity always, always comes first.
Now, the second sentence, I crave specifics! Road trip have destinations, destinations tell us a LOT about a story and what kind of hijinks we'll find along the way. "Illicit Vegas Road trip" and "Illicit NYC Road Trip" aren't remotely the same. "Illicit road trip to visit grandma" is intriguing because illicit and Grandma don't go together. Use the power of your story in your favor!
Text: I am torn. Your first bit is clever, it does some nice set up. But it's a prologue. It distances us from the character. So, if you have feedback that waffles on the character, consider cutting everything before Mile 0 (at least until after you get an agent and then show them what you wrote)
After Mile 0. I need a bit more blocking in the first paragraph. I had to read it a few times to get that she's sitting in a car (behind the driver's seat) looking through her camera. Not sure what the burst of red means her hair or her clothes. I love that you start mid-argument, but I crave a little more context. It's one of my favorite techniques as well, especially for establishing old friends, but I'm still not entirely sure if Maddy's in the driver's seat. Also, at least early on, break sentences describing different character's dialogue/actions into their own paragraphs it helps for orientation. You can get away with more as time goes on, but at first it helps orient the reader.
OK, I hope that helps! It sounds like a great story! My standard caveats apply, if I've indicated in some way to change your words against the character's voice, character's voice always wins! I really just want to give you a new set of eyes in my fumbling way!
Best of luck!
-Lana (@muliebris)
Hi Katy,
ReplyDeleteHaving read Lana’s comments, I kind of see her point about your introduction but I must say I liked it. The idea of going on a road-trip just because you missed the exit is bizarre enough to make me curious to read more to see where on earth that goes… I think when you’re writing about a road-trip you have to do something original with it, and this works for me.
Also, I like the contrast you then set up with the group of three friends, a normal bunch of girls getting together for a day out. Naturally, Thelma and Louise immediately springs to mind, which is never a bad thing!
The only thing is the set-up does makes it sound like the road trip is planned, which contradicts the opening. Georgia sets the odometer to 0 and Rose wonders if Maddie is up to the whole thing. This doesn’t sound like a random decision based on a missed exit, so I must admit, I’m a little confused as to what’s going on, though not in a bad way. I would read more to see where it’s going…
Even though it conflicts a little with the opening, I think it’s very clever the way you’ve set the odometer to 0 for where your story actually starts. I imagine the structure of the story will be based on the odometer and various significant events will happen at Mile 27, Mile 68 (or whatever) along the way. This sounds like a really good idea and it’s a bit different too.
I think you’ve an original take on your concept and an inventive writing style. I particularly loved the exchange about guilty birds, which I thought was brilliant.
Great work and the best of luck with it!
So I LOVE the intro. I mean, on one hand, I see what Lana is talking about with how it distances us from Maddy, but on the other hand I think it does a stellar job setting up voice and that is really important. It's also different enough to be attention grabbing. I also wonder why she thinks she's not a person. In addition, the idea of road tripping because you took the wrong exit is delightful, if eccentric. Both things I like.
ReplyDeleteThis being said, I only realized the viewfinder thing meant camera after I read Lana's notes. Of course, you fix the spelling up in your pitch and that's all square.
Okay in the first paragraph you have a filtering tag. An, "I thought" I'd lose that. You don't need it, and it distances us from Maddy. Just go with. Huh, that was oddly festive of her. I'd also work on your tags with the dialogue. The retorted, deapanned is clever but I think it's possible, especially since you tag the next bit with her sticking out her tongue that you could just cut it. You don't need to tag every single piece of dialogue and it can be very distracting when you do.
I do like the part about the birds. Nicely done. I do want to know why Rose is guilty, so that's a good hook to get me to the next page.
Overall, I like it very much and good luck. I hope this helps.
I was pretty confused by the first sentence of the pitch; even without the extra N, I don't think I would have clued in that you were talking about a camera. Maybe rephrase using something like "snapping pictures" instead of "clicking along" for those of us who need an extra nudge in the right direction? :)
ReplyDeleteI too love the voice in the prologue and the larger metaphor. I wonder whether you want to get quite this meta right off the bat, though? I don't know - it does a good enough job of introducing the character ("I am not a (b) person") and jives well enough with the brief allusion to guilt that I might be just splitting hairs.
I'd do a quick pass through and consider whether you really need some of your modifiers (idly, quietly, deadpan (deadpanned is a verb, from what I've seen), playfully, wisely) - you can either use verbs that imply them more strongly or drop them altogether and let dialogue stand on its own.
Hope this helps! You've gotten great advice above, too.
I think that the pitch is sort of vague and could benefit for some more specifics. I'm not really sure what Cannon Rebel is supposed to be. "Blundering through life on the wild side" could also be fleshed out, I think. Having clear stakes would make the pitch much stronger.
ReplyDeleteI think the multiple choice opening is fun :)
I'm on the keep the intro side of the argument. It's not really a prologue, because it's so deep in her POV, that there's no distance, imo. Also it's just stellar writing.
ReplyDeleteI'm biggest comment is PLEASE lose the word playfully. That sentence right there is just too awkward for words. I poked my tongue out playfully. I also don't love the word poked. Sorry. This is probably just my own pet peeves talking, but I hate when characters wink or stick tongues out. It seems like a cheap shortcut for charm to me. But I'm crazy and it's your story so if it doesn't bug you, please ignore me. But do lose the word playfully. It doesn't add, and the adverb points out the crazy in me.
I think you have really good dialogue, but that you aren't trusting us to read the tone set in the dialogue. The dialogue tags are all a bit too top heavy, over pointing at the tone. This makes it feel like a kids book to me, or worse, that you are talking down to the reader.
Like this: I retorted, dead-panned.
I poked my tongue out playfully.
Rose shook her head wisely.
Now on their own as actions they don't bother me, (except the playful tongue poke) but so many piled up so quickly and I start to forget about the story. Which is sad, because I'm really loving the quick glimpse into these three characters and plunging into their friendship. I like a road trip story.
I hope this helps, I do think you've got a killer start.
Hi Katy!
ReplyDeleteLooks like this is going to be absolutely hilarious!
However, the whole points a b and c was a little confusing the further it went along since I had to keep looking back at which point was which! Also maybe mention where they are or where they were last...
I think you should make the genre Comdey since it sure is funny right from the start!
~Cayla (#2)
Hi Katy!!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to crit your entry thoroughly, but remember that all advice is subjective in the art world and you are more than welcome to burn mine if it's totally opposite of what you think is best for YOUR story! :D
Let's see. Yay!! A photographer MC! As a photographer myself that makes me super happy. And yes, it is Canon Rebel, unless you deliberately changed the spelling :D
I actually liked the prologue (even if it's not a prologue I'm going to refer to it as such just for the sake of clarity, because prologue is easier to type than Beginning Part That Isn't Quite the Beginning Where Maddy Talks About Road Trips). I know some other people might not, not because it is or feels like a prologue, but just because of the broken fourth wall and the long one-sided conversation Maddy has with the reader. I like it, I really do. However, some agents might not, so just keep that in consideration. Ah, the subjectivity of the writing world!
I like your characters, yay! That's super important. I love how you get across the pre-roadtrip excitement of the unknown. That alone hooks me. I also like how Rose mentions her inhaler and EpiPen. Sets forth a sense of preminition for the reader. It reminded me of Gansey in Raven Boys with his EpiPen... you knew something was going to happen. Good job!
However, I did stumble over some of your wording choices. I'll show you which ones and make some suggestions as to alterations but remember, my suggestions will sound like me , so if you decide to alter or not, word it the way Maddy would say it, not me!! :D
"I retorted, dead-panned." I would cut dead-panned and replace it with something about keeping a straight face. Or if you really want to keep dead-panned, I would replace retort with said. I love using descriptive speech tags myself, but sometimes too much description overpowers the voice of the character, which has to speak for itself :D
"said Georgia, the yawns growing bigger." Put an and or a while or an as after the comma and before the.
I think the other comments covered the rest of them. I think with some polishing you'll really have a winner. Yay for you!
I love the opening. Sometimes second-person narrative can be distracting, but in this case it works brilliantly, and does a great job of capturing your character’s voice.
ReplyDeleteWith three girl’s names given so quickly it does get a little confusing as to who is who. I had to read twice to get everyone straight. Make sure you are clear that Maddy is the narrator.
This paragraph was particularly confusing:
I would change to something like this:
“Hey,” said Rose. “Both vital.”
Georgia laughed mid-yawn.
Rose leaned in between us. “You know,” she said, giving me a gentle punch to the shoulder, “Unlike Maddy here, I can actually drive.”
I poked my tongue out playfully.
I would love to go along for the ride with these three. I see adventure ahead. Nice work!
Jenny (#4)
Until I read an earlier comment I didn't get that the Cannon Rebel was a reference to a camera. I thought it was a twitter handle or the name of a blog and clicking meant the clicking of a keyboard. I guess I thought that's how high school kids would hide on the sidelines these days. I did figure out she was using a camera, but that's because I've used one. How many of today's 15-year-olds would catch on? Very possible they've never used a real camera! More detail is needed.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey Katy!
ReplyDeleteMan, I really warm up to this entry! It’s just my cup of tea: contemporary, strong friendships, a bit of snarky personality, a protagonist with a unique talent. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Three things that are working super well with this delightful piece of work:
1) I think the dialogue sounds really natural, like these friends are comfortable enough to kid around with each other, unconcerned about impressing each other. I love the line “I think I was a bird in a past life.”
2) It seems you have a really good grasp on who these characters are right off the bat. Maddy is a photographer. Rose has health problems, etc.
3) Details! The way you hand out details is really refreshing—you don’t info dump them, and they are specific enough that they give a nice, specific image. Examples: hot pink leg-warmers, pinned-up curls, Rose crashing the car twice.
Two things to look at during revising:
1) I love that the book starts with Maddy looking through her camera (although, at first, I didn’t catch on that that’s what she was looking through. I’m not camera-savvy, so even something as simple as “viewfinder” went over my head). In that first paragraph though, I also couldn’t figure out when she was looking at things through her camera, and when she was looking at them without it. Example: When Maddy is describing that Georgia set back the odometer. Was she still looking through the lens for that?
2) That dang stinkin’ good prologue. I think the options are adorable, and the last line is intriguing. While I was reading it, though, I was thinking “Wait, who is this book about? When do I get in to the plot?” I know lots of agents recommend cutting prologues, or incorporating them elsewhere in the story—I just cut my prologue last month. It’s a personal choice, though! I think MILE 0 is strong enough to stand on its own.
This seems like a well-thought out first chapter to a great story! You’ll have to keep my posted on any contests you enter this in so I can cheer you on. Us Contemp writers gotta stick together :D
-Molly (@mollycluff)
Now that its perfectly clear what you are talking about, I really like your pitch. It gives me all of the info I need to want to read your story but... my husband is a photojournalist and he shoots with Canon and I still got lost. I wasn't sure that you were talking about a camera in your pitch, and it took me a moment to figure it out in the first paragraph after Mile 0. I think its a great way for her to "hide" and I love the idea of us getting to see what she sees through the viewfinder, but I think it needs a little clarification.
ReplyDeleteI saw a lot of back and forth over your intro. I don't want to be left out on offering up an opinion so here goes-- :)
It's different, which is good. I think you might have a stronger start without it though. I like starting at Mile 0. Is this a planned road trip, and then they missed their exit so they decided to go somewhere else? That part is a little confusing. If it is planned, then maybe the pitch needs a little revising.
Lastly, I thought that this was a bit clunky-- “So,” said Rose to me. “Are you completely freaking out?” --I might change it to read something like, "So," Rose said while looking at me. "Are you completely freaking out?"
I love the voice and these are characters that I immediately like and want to get to know.
Hope this helps.
Good Luck!
I love the intro, it's great and while everyone mentions its a tricky thing, and I agree, I would be sad to see it go.
ReplyDeleteI felt right at home reading about her looking through the viewfinder and could picture myself watching people through a camera, but perhaps it's because I've spent many a moment doing just that :)
The companionship between the girls are lovely and I think your dialogue is strong enough to stand on its own without all the dialogue tags. Maybe just sprinkle a few here and there, the banter is clear enough that dead panned is just redundant :)
I could see my 15 yr old daughter diving into this book. Road trips are always full of adventures and I want to read the next page and see where they go :)
I like a 'Prologue' (Prologuella), Clever. I don't have much to say. I think there are a few unnecessary modifiers and adverbs. They don't distract much though.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletePITCH: Okay, I love the concept, but right off the bat, as a photographer, I notice you misspelled Canon as Cannon. Whoops! (Also, if you are not a photographer yourself, and make your character as such, I’d highly recommend you have some photographers serve as beta readers for you—they can really help you catch any technical things you might miss/confuse if you don’t have the experience yourself)
FIRST 500: Okay, misspellings and such aside, love that you started the story off with a pop quiz (though, I would advise dropping the “Or” in (b)—it reads stronger without it. A suggestion though: I would suggest maybe tinkering with your prologue where you just offer a (d) option (since readers are intuitive enough I think to see where you’re going) and cut the in-between.
Now THAT would be one heck of a prologue (a case where I think it could really work) and then you could start the first chapter at MILE 0 and maybe use directional/geographical clues to help chart the story (so you could work in the Massachusetts place identifier that way)
This is a strong opener and I really loved it. And love that it’s a strong group of girls teasing one another (but seemingly in a playful way) in the car. Reminds me of some trips I took with my own girlfriends! I would read this!
And PS -I second Molly—as a fellow contemp writer, would LOVE to cheer you on! @gailwerner
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI won't critique the pitch since I've seen your newer one and it's solid :)
I enjoy the excerpt. Do NOT cut the intro! I don't think it reads too much like a prologue that can simply be skipped over. I think it's sets the tone and is a nice way to merge into Mile 0.
I agree about the dialogue tags, which you already know, though I wouldn't cut all of them (I like a little deviation from "said" sometimes!).
I like how they opening puts us right in the action, but not right in the middle of ridiculous action (like a car accident or gun fight or something crazy). It's a good blend of "stuff's happening" and "easing into the action."
I'd keep reading :)
On the pitch:
ReplyDeleteThis is a lot stronger! The one thing I'd say is change Georgia to BFF or best friend or something equally contextual. Keep the focus on Maddy and everything in the context of Maddy. That'll reduce confusion.
Also, instead of just "teen" do "seventeen-year-old" it counts as one word and it gives A LOT of context for the kind of story you're telling.
Best of luck! Great improvements!
I agree with Lana, the pitch is much improved. You also did a lot of great work cleaning up the 500. There is still one said/adverb tag that I'd strongly suggest axeing, but otherwise it's totally clear and engaging. Good work and good luck.
ReplyDeleteLove the new pitch. I do like the idea of saying Seventeen-year-old, (although it feels like cheating)
ReplyDeleteI also love love love the opening. It feels like a quiz in a magazine, which is SO YA, and I'm glad you kept it.
My only criticism now is that I'm not clear on what she's seeing through the camera and where she is. It could just be me, but the branches threw me. I'd suggest changing the subject of her photo to something in the car-- like her shoes up on the dashboard, or the image in the rear view mirror, or something. But that's a tiny crit. All in all I think it works.
Love this still! I agree with Lana though--I got a smidge confused on your pitch by seeing Georgia's name in there--I think both to keep the focus on Maddy but also, since this is a road trip story, that it's not a place (I think seeing the "trip to" and "Georgia" so close together at first threw me). Overall, it's great and like the others have said, I do love the pop quiz intro! I think Sheena has some great constructive feedback on what Maddy's seeing through the viewfinder. Maybe the idea of her looking at Georgia slumped over the wheel THROUGH the viewfinder is a possibility instead of a tree? Nice work--as I said before, I'd definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above, both that your improvements are great and that you could clarify what she's looking at through the viewfinder in the first bit of Mile 0. I'd add as well that I'm not clear on what Georgia is doing underneath the wheel at the end. I think you're OK to say that she's looking for something; Maddy can probably see that much from the passenger seat. Oh, and one typo (I think): a stray "a" in this sentence - “More a matter of a should.”
ReplyDelete