Twitter Handle: @lauraeweymouth
Genre: Historical Fantasy
Title: THE ONCE AND FUTURE QUEEN
35 Word Pitch: Lucy won't forget. Susan won't remember. Years of living caught between two worlds are taking their toll, but Aslan won't let go.
First 500:
We're burying Sam in the back garden. It's just Ed and I, and it's
raining, and I know he's worried because of the thunderous look in his
eyes.
"You can cry, Lu," he says, and takes my hand in his own. No one's held my hand in such a long time, and I nearly do cry at that, because he's always so kind to me. But if there is one thing I've learned in life, it's to choke back tears and smile.
Ed won't meet my eyes. Instead he glares at the freshly dug earth and kicks a clod of it with one foot.
I know my smile worries him more than anything else. More than the fact that my dog is gone--my foolish, loveable friend with one torn ear and a missing eye, a dog that I swept away from an existence of torment and misery to a life of ease and comfort. The smile worries him more than the knowledge that next week, he's heading off to university and for the first time, I'll be truly on my own, without Peter or Ed at the boys' school down the road, without Susan across the hallway in my dorm.
He's worried because that smile means I refuse to doubt. It's not that the others have lost faith, not even Sue, much as she likes to think she has, but they wonder. They question our shared history, perhaps not out loud but in their lonely moments and the dark watches of the night. Cracks run through them; fault lines, breakages, places where they've shattered just a little.
And they worry because I will not, cannot, be anything but whole. They think one day I'll break too, and that I'll go off like a bomb because I've refused to let my breaking happen bit by bit. Maybe so. But every morning I wake up and watch the sun rise and listen to the birds sing and know that I will not let today be that day. They don't call me the Valiant for nothing.
Ed's words still hang on the air as his warm fingers grasp my own. I turn my head to look at him with the sort of stare that compels a person to meet your eyes--yet another trick left over from fifteen years of governance.
He looks at me and I look at him.
"I'll see him again," I say.
The words are a prayer, a promise, and they burn my tongue with the heat of faith they require.
This is what I do, this is what I have done, this is what I will always do: speak truth, no matter how it costs me. No matter how others shake their heads at it.
And Ed does shake his head.
"Oh, Lu," he mutters, and stumps back up to the house with shoulders bent.
What he doesn't see, what the others never see, is that when my words burn, they leave ashes on my lips.
"You can cry, Lu," he says, and takes my hand in his own. No one's held my hand in such a long time, and I nearly do cry at that, because he's always so kind to me. But if there is one thing I've learned in life, it's to choke back tears and smile.
Ed won't meet my eyes. Instead he glares at the freshly dug earth and kicks a clod of it with one foot.
I know my smile worries him more than anything else. More than the fact that my dog is gone--my foolish, loveable friend with one torn ear and a missing eye, a dog that I swept away from an existence of torment and misery to a life of ease and comfort. The smile worries him more than the knowledge that next week, he's heading off to university and for the first time, I'll be truly on my own, without Peter or Ed at the boys' school down the road, without Susan across the hallway in my dorm.
He's worried because that smile means I refuse to doubt. It's not that the others have lost faith, not even Sue, much as she likes to think she has, but they wonder. They question our shared history, perhaps not out loud but in their lonely moments and the dark watches of the night. Cracks run through them; fault lines, breakages, places where they've shattered just a little.
And they worry because I will not, cannot, be anything but whole. They think one day I'll break too, and that I'll go off like a bomb because I've refused to let my breaking happen bit by bit. Maybe so. But every morning I wake up and watch the sun rise and listen to the birds sing and know that I will not let today be that day. They don't call me the Valiant for nothing.
Ed's words still hang on the air as his warm fingers grasp my own. I turn my head to look at him with the sort of stare that compels a person to meet your eyes--yet another trick left over from fifteen years of governance.
He looks at me and I look at him.
"I'll see him again," I say.
The words are a prayer, a promise, and they burn my tongue with the heat of faith they require.
This is what I do, this is what I have done, this is what I will always do: speak truth, no matter how it costs me. No matter how others shake their heads at it.
And Ed does shake his head.
"Oh, Lu," he mutters, and stumps back up to the house with shoulders bent.
What he doesn't see, what the others never see, is that when my words burn, they leave ashes on my lips.
I like this, but then I am a big Narnia fan.
ReplyDelete1. Is Narnia in the public domain now? Google says it is in Canada since 2014. Can’t find any other info.
2. It’s not going to make a whole lot of sense to anyone who has never read Narnia. But I think you’ve managed to make it mysterious enough for those readers to want to read more, because they don't know what’s going on.
3. Narnia is an allegory from a time when language was spoken differently and set in the UK. My concern is that words such as ‘faith and prayer’ (faith is used 3 times here I think) in the US, in common lingo is associated with Christianity. Although Narnia is at its root a Christian allegory, you might want to change those words so that people reading who don’t like Christian literature don’t get turned off, unless you plan to market as a Christian lit book. I also know that a lot of YA agents wont rep Christian lit at all, so it's a thing to consider. Believe is a good substitute word for faith.
4. You could do a bit of trimming here and then to make it tighter.
5. This sentence seemed overly dramatic: from an existence of torment and misery to a life of ease and comfort
I would add her name to this sentence: They don't call me LUCY the Valiant for nothing.
High five for a LOTR reference: and the dark watches of the night.
I LOVE the last sentence.
Can’t wait to see your revision!
Lucy. Susan. Peter. Ed. Aslan.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first read the pitch and the first few paragraphs, I was like, "Hey, I've heard these five names together somewhere." But my brain just couldn't find it. Then I read Kit's critique and had a lightbulb moment.
This is Narnia!
So is this Narnia fanfiction? If so then do mention this in both your pitch and query letters.
Now the 500 words.
Maybe it's just me, but it was a lot of brooding inside Lucy's mind. She's upset about her beloved pet's death. But it seems she's more upset about something else, not just the death. From the pitch and the first 500 words, I couldn't exactly grasp what the conflict will be. Ed's going away like Susan and Peter did. Will Lucy go back to Narnia by herself now? That's a goal but no hint of the conflict. Not that it's absolutely mandatory. But I haven't read Narnia, only watched them (I know! I'm terrible! I'm awful!) But so are a lot of people and may be some of your future readers. So try to get out of her brooding and have a bit more going.
Again it's just me maybe. I also admit I'm not very good at critiquing and often my critiques aren't liked by or don't resonate with the authors. So feel free to treat it like grain of salt.
Liked the premises and character buildup. Maybe a bit more action since this is fantasy. But it truly is good.
Best of luck with your revision!
Lucy. Susan. Peter. Ed. Aslan.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first read the pitch and the first few paragraphs, I was like, "Hey, I've heard these five names together somewhere." But my brain just couldn't find it. Then I read Kit's critique and had a lightbulb moment.
This is Narnia!
So is this Narnia fanfiction? If so then do mention this in both your pitch and query letters.
Now the 500 words.
Maybe it's just me, but it was a lot of brooding inside Lucy's mind. She's upset about her beloved pet's death. But it seems she's more upset about something else, not just the death. From the pitch and the first 500 words, I couldn't exactly grasp what the conflict will be. Ed's going away like Susan and Peter did. Will Lucy go back to Narnia by herself now? That's a goal but no hint of the conflict. Not that it's absolutely mandatory. But I haven't read Narnia, only watched them (I know! I'm terrible! I'm awful!) But so are a lot of people and may be some of your future readers. So try to get out of her brooding and have a bit more going.
Again it's just me maybe. I also admit I'm not very good at critiquing and often my critiques aren't liked by or don't resonate with the authors. So feel free to treat it like grain of salt.
Liked the premises and character buildup. Maybe a bit more action since this is fantasy. But it truly is good.
Best of luck with your revision!
Pitch: Ooh, Narnia! Very cool! :) I think you'll definitely get a lot of people interested in this one. I have the same question as Kit though, is this considered public domain? I did a little research, and from what I've found, Narnia should become public domain by 2033. I could be wrong, but it's worth looking into for your own peace of mind. :)
ReplyDelete500 words: These sentences are just awesome: They question our shared history, perhaps not out loud but in their lonely moments and the dark watches of the night. Cracks run through them; fault lines, breakages, places where they've shattered just a little.
Absolutely loved them! And your last sentence is perfection.
This sentence seems a bit choppy: The smile worries him more than the knowledge that next week, he's heading off to university and for the first time, I'll be truly on my own, without Peter or Ed at the boys' school down the road, without Susan across the hallway in my dorm.
Consider splitting it into two sentences and condensing a bit so it reads smoother.
Also, consider changing this sentence: He looks at me and I look at him.
You say 'look' a few sentences back. Too much repetition. Maybe just say, 'We exchange glances.' or something like that.
Awesome idea though, I really love your premise! :) Great job!
Pitch:
ReplyDeleteI need more than this. I'm not a fan of Narnia (sorry!) but that means, this doesn't tell me anything.
Plus, there's already a LOT of Narnia books, (and fanfic and movies) so use this pitch to show what YOUR story is about. I have no doubt you've got a lot going on here because you're a strong writer, so give that to me to gnaw on and be drawn further into your pages.
Pages:
These are very strong. I get where you're going with them, and it does a good job of establishing character. I'm not entirely sure where you're going with the story in here, but it may not be important.
If you're not getting anywhere with agents/editors, consider a revision that files a few more of the serial numbers off. (Considering City of Bones is HP/Malfoy fic with a LOT of filing.)
Best of luck!
Hi Laura!
ReplyDeleteOkay, first of all, Narnia is like my favorite ever because I used play imaginary games of the story ever since I was like three and have stared at the illustrations in my dad's copies since I was able to hold a book...
But, onto the critique!
Okay, for the pitch, it's cool and I think it could make a good opening to a query if you're planning on going onto agents with this, however, it is too simple when it comes to explaining the plot of the story in just 35 words. (which I know is hard) Like Lana said, you gotta show every reason why this is yours only and why it is the best!!!
OK... For the 500:
I have a few questions but not a ton of corrections: How long has Lucy had Sam? Who was Sam as a dog anyways, since the original fans have no idea who this dog is because he's obviously new for your story?
You do a lot of catching up on telling us what the kids and now adults have been up to but not so much as focusing on Lucy's immediate feelings to the dog or the rain or etc.
You should probably give an update on the siblings later then in your first 500 words because it's a little bit of an info dump in someways. Try to show us and not tell us what's happening in Lucy's life so we don't read lists but events.
Also... was that real ash or just a poetic way that she's kinda disgusted with how she speaks? I'm leaning on real ash but people might have different opinions and get confused unless you clarify somehow.
That fact you're writing something that continues on the story people love so much is awesome! I'm looking forward to seeing your revisions and hopefully reading more someday!
Hope this helps!
-Bethany (#12 and co-host)
Pitch: I love Narnia! But I think a little more info is needed. You only used 22 words, maybe use a few more to give some context for those not familiar with the story, and set up the conflict :) Also, I think the phrase “but Aslan won’t let go,” kind of gives it an ominous feel, especially with Lucy refusing to forget and Susan refusing to remember. It may hint toward a trauma for those not familiar with Narnia. If your version swaps him for the villain, then kudos! If he is still the hero/benevolent figure, you may want to consider rephrasing. (Disclaimer: I work with trauma survivors, so I have a bias and may jump to that conclusion when others normally wouldn’t)
ReplyDelete500-word:
Most of my comments echo what those above me have said. You have a talent for building beautiful sentences. I love these lines: “They question our shared history, perhaps not out loud but in their lonely moments and the dark watches of the night. Cracks run through them; fault lines, breakages, places where they've shattered just a little.”
I liked the whole picture you painted with her prayers requiring a faith that burns, but the last line kind of goes over my head: “when my words burn, they leave ashes on my lips.” I don’t quite understand what the ashes are.
Also, I would consider a word other than “thunderous” when talking about Ed’s worry. When I read “thunderous look” I equate it with like burning anger and rage, which seems contrary to the worry he’s supposed to be feeling.
Overall, I thought this was very well-written and a super fun read!
Pitch: Such a great idea! I think the pitch works, it’s concise while giving an overall picture of the main conflict. As you do have a few more words to use for a 35 word pitch, you could add a little more, perhaps about why Aslan is trying to bring them back. Or maybe start it with something like X years after returning from Narnia… or mention what Peter or Ed are doing?
ReplyDelete500 words: The writing is lovely and vivid. I particularly liked the description of the dog and the part about questioning their shared history. The opening is primarily made up of Lucy’s thoughts which create a slower paced, interior feeling to the scene. I like that it is very clear that Lucy is a resilient character, but I felt like the overall tone was almost melancholy… which isn’t a bad thing!
It might help to break up some of Lucy’s thoughts with a little more dialogue and movement, as I don’t have a good sense of where the story is going after this point, or what the main conflict is going to be. The opening almost reads like a contained story! Maybe there could be just a few more hints about why this particular point is where the story starts… although I would keep reading because the prose is wonderful and the pitch is very appealing :-)
Wow. One of my favourites and beautifully written!!! I would add more to the pitch to share more and I think if you aren't familiar with Narnia you will still wnat to read the first chapter. I really am intrigued. You do a great job with your choice of words. I felt as if I was right there and I definitely want to read more. YOur last line is great. My thought is your writing will need to be very consistent with the original - especially for one who are so familiar with these characters. I would read aloud with that lens in mind to ensure you are speaking in a consistent voice.
ReplyDeletePitch: Ok, I was excited about the Narnia aspect, but then I wanted more of the specific stakes. It was really foreboding, though!
ReplyDelete500: I loved the line where Ed is always kind, setting us up in the aftermath of their adventures. Also the impact of having been kings and queens. This is just gorgeous writing. You could lose the "of it" after "clod" (I'm on a tightening bender so it's like all I see now!) and I do think there's a little too much musing on Lucy's part. Maybe spread these thoughts out more among the action/problem, which could be brought in sooner, then? I'd cut the history of the dog--I think it's clear from the description of Sam already.
I am left curious about things like rights and if this is intended as Christian lit. Hard to tell just from this, but either way, this is powerful, stunning writing. Thanks for sharing!
Hi!!
ReplyDeleteRemember that all crits are subjective and that you are welcome to use or dismiss mine as you see fit for your story! Thanks for entering #YayYA!
AHHH Laura when I first saw this in my inbox, I genuinely freaked out. I used to play Narnia with Bethany and our friends across the street (I was Edmund, haha). As someone who had a screenplay for OUT OF THE SILENT PLANET outlined at age 15, this makes me excited.
Pitch: It's a little short!! It does its job, but I know you can get so much more in there with what you have left.
First 500:
I don't think thunderous is the right word to use. I know what you're going for, but I think a different word would be better, even if it's just "cloudy" or something like that. I like how you spice your narrative with a little of Lewis' narrative style. It's masterfully done.
Watch your levels of filtering. "Look," "glance," and "know" are filters and they show up pretty often in your sample here. Otherwise, I order you to send this to me when it's finished :D