Michelle Archer @mflatdog
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy Upper MG
Title: ARTIFEXIA
35 word pitch: Payton hopes to get the lead in the play, get the boy, and get out of
her best friend’s shadow. She doesn’t plan on being the one who can
save humanity from losing its imagination.
"Be careful! The time is near!”
I rip my eyes away from the ad.
The voice belongs to a tall man with short dark hair; he sports a dark
blue cashmere blazer and designer jeans. A plaid scarf is wrapped around
his neck.
A well-dressed man, my mother would say.
It’s New York; crazies on the train are normal. Even on the three train.
Most of the people don’t even look up from their books or newspapers. I
continue to look around, ignoring the man, who’s still yelling. Here’s
another. Book Guy. He reads—or I should say, he holds—the same book
every day. To his left, a young mother sits with her two toddlers. She
tries to keep them calm, but they will have none of it.
The train jolts to a stop. I grab onto my bag as I slide into the man
next to me. The people push their way through the door. Everyone always
has somewhere to be and seems to be running 10 minutes behind.
“What are you reading?” asks the woman beside me.
I show her the cover of my book.
“Great book,” she says. “I remember when I had to read it. You must be in Grade 7 or 8,” she says.
“Yes, that’s right,” I reply.
“How are you?” she asks. “You look my granddaughter’s age . . . 12?”
“I just turned 13 today,” I reply.
“Happy Birthday,” says the woman.
I start to say thank you, just as the well-dressed Crazy Guy begins to
yell louder. He starts grabbing people, looking them straight in the eye
to intimately share his message.
The crowd takes notice. Their bodies stiffen. They look around to see if someone is going to remove him from the train.
“You will all start to forget things!” he yells. “It’s coming!” he
hollers, as he makes his way through the crowd of people. “Just wait!”
he screams. “You will be helpless!”
The mother holds tightly to her toddlers; other people back away as he passes by them.
The woman beside me grabs my arm. “It’ll be okay,” she says.
It’s my stop. The Crazy Guy stands between the door and me. He’s still
yelling. Is he drunk? How will I get by him? My legs are trembling. My
stop is next.
I stand up, legs shaking, head down. I tighten my grip on my bag and make a run for it.
He grabs my arm as I try to get by. “You can do something about it,” he says.
A chill shivers down my spine. I free my arm from his grip. I run out of the train and up the steps, until I am above ground.
His breath reeks so much I can taste what he’d been drinking. My heart
is pounding. I take a deep breath and tell myself he was just some crazy
drunk. It’s nothing. I straighten my skirt, smooth out my coat sleeves,
and walk to school.
I like your first 500, its a great passage, and throws us straight into the action. It just needs a bit of trimming and re-arranging.
ReplyDeleteShe looks at him enough to get a full outfit description and then she says she ignores him..which one is it.
TRIM:
I TEAR my eyes rather than : rip my eyes.
I’d actually just describe him as : A well-dressed man, my mother would say, tall, A plaid scarf wrapped around his neck.
as I slide into the man next to me
the paragraph about what she is reading and how old she is seems like a jarring excuse to tell us her age and birthday. I’d cut that whole bit. You can tell us its her birthday by her thinking ‘happy birthday to me/happy twelfth birthday me’ in juxtaposition with the guy grabbing her.
You use 4 different words for shouts in one paragraph, trim trim trim.
Use legs trembling and legs shaking in two consecutive sentences, keep one scrap the other.
A chill shivers down my spine. Рclich̩, cut.
I trimmed and re-arranged the first few paragraphs so you can see what I mean:
"Be careful! The time is near!”
It’s New York; crazies on the train are normal. Most of the people don’t even look up from their books or newspapers. The shouter is a well-dressed man, tall, a plaid scarf wrapped around his neck. I continue to look around, pretending I didn’t see him, he’s still yelling. To my right is Book Guy. He reads—or I should say, he holds—the same book every day. To his left, a young mother sits with her two toddlers. She tries to keep them calm, but they will have none of it.
The train jolts to a stop. I grab onto my bag. The people push their way through the door. Everyone always has somewhere to be and seems to be running 10 minutes behind.
Crazy Guy begins to yell louder. He starts grabbing people, looking them straight in the eye to intimately share his message.
The crowd takes notice. Their bodies stiffen. They look around to see if someone is going to remove him from the train.
“You will all start to forget things!” he yells. “It’s coming!” He makes his way through the crowd of people. “Just wait!” he says. “You will be helpless!”
The mother holds tightly to her toddlers; other people back away as he passes by them.
The woman beside me grabs my arm. “It’ll be okay,” she says.
It’s my stop. The Crazy Guy stands between the door and me. He’s still yelling. Is he drunk? How will I get by him? My legs are trembling. My stop is next.
I stand up, head down. I tighten my grip on my bag and make a run for it.
He grabs my arm as I try to get by.
His breath reeks so much I can taste what he’d been drinking.
“You can do something about it,” he says.
I free my arm from his grip. I run out of the train and up the steps, until I am above ground.
My heart is pounding. I take a deep breath and tell myself he was just some crazy drunk. It’s nothing. I straighten my skirt, smooth out my coat sleeves, and walk to school.
Feel free to ignore my input!
Pitch:
ReplyDeleteIt would help anchor Payton if you can get me some concrete details really quick i.e. Thirteen-year-old drama queen Payton... (please use way better words than me, but you get the idea)
Then, you kinda leave what's special about your story as a second place to what is kinda standard. What is she saving them from? Why her and not any of the other kids? The more specifics you can get here about your story the stronger it is.
Don't forget pitches are for agents/editors, not readers. They've seen a MILLION pitches, focus on what makes your story different not the same.
Pages:
You're missing an opportunity to instill personality in the initial descriptions. Picking some more loaded words (ugly, garish, loud, etc.) would help us understand Payton's worldview, especially considering this is probably a bunch of throw away characters, how Payton thinks is more important to me right now.
I'm missing the context for "Here’s another. Book Guy." Another crazy? Another well-dressed man? Another person yelling?
Also "His breath reeks so much I can taste what he’d been drinking. " Makes me think initially that he's still with her, but I think maybe she's remembering? If yes, consider past-tense here.
Pitch: I agree, anchor Payton with some details like age. Otherwise I'm totally intrigued by her "normal" life stakes and the big fantasy issue.
ReplyDelete500: I loved the intensity of the moment as she readies to pass him; those short sentences convey the build up of emotion nicely.
I'd cut the "by them" after "other people back away" just to tighten; it'll still be clear from his moving along.
I agree the description of her smelling his liquor threw me out of the flow a little. Moving it to the moment it happens will help keep things clear as the reader considers if he's a drunk or someone driven to mad behavior by insight into some fantasy plot.
I think you should write out numbers (ten, thirteen, etc).
"Be careful" is actually a little soft for me. You might consider cutting it or changing it to something more foreboding so from the very first second we get the sense of his warnings (and that this isn't just mom calling after a kid, which was my first flicker of a thought).
You say "the ad" which was a little confusing. Maybe "an ad" or "the ad I was staring at"? I thought for a moment the words came from the ad because of the specific article, before I read about the voice, so that might help draw readers in.
Overall this is a nice foreboding start. I agree about considering cutting the birthday talk and amping up Payton's voice/character a bit with a few well-placed descriptive words. But it's definitely done of the job of making me want to read more!
Hey Michelle!
ReplyDeleteFor the pitch, combine it as one sentence or start the second differently because the grammar is a bit off even though I love the sound of the idea.
Before I critique, I just want to say this sounds amazing! The whole scene is a perfect beginning setting and with some touch ups it will be even better!
First, I just want to say that the line about no one caring in New York is TRUE. Been there often, seen that. However, you contradict yourself with the main character looking around and directly at the crazy guy. She can be aware but she shouldn't be looking right at him while sitting on the train. Also, if she's in the city it should be subway :) again, when the lady asks about the book, that's not normal and the main girl would react differently by ignoring her, unless she knows the lady. For the scene, the whole book thing seems out of place, so I'd cut it out unless it's important to the main plot... If that's the case, give us a title so we know it'll appear again with purpose. Also, again with the New Yorker ignoring thing, who'd tell a stranger their birthday, in public, with a crazy guy in ear shot?
If you rearrange some sentences and look for any awkward flow and fix those few things I think the rest of this will be awesome!
Hope this helps!
-Bethany (#12 and co-host)
Hi Michelle!
ReplyDeleteWow, this opening definitely hooked me right from the get go! It's a great scene--pulls the reader right into the action, to a scene we can relate to, and hints at what's to come. Well done!
There are just a few things you could do to tighten up your opening, which already reads very smoothly. To start, I agree with the comments others have made about the transition from your MC looking at the doomsday guy on the train, to observing the other passengers. Where it reads..."I continue to look around, ignoring the man, who’s still yelling. Here’s another. Book Guy. He reads—or I should say, he holds—the same book every day. To his left, a young mother sits with her two toddlers. She tries to keep them calm, but they will have none of it." If you could work on that transition, things would be less confusing for your reader.
Also, it seemed a bit odd to me that the title of the book your MC is reading was never mentioned--she did, after all, have a conversation with a woman who specifically mentioned it! That might just be me, but it didn't quite seem natural to bring the book up but not say what book it is.
Really great job, Michelle--this is such a strong opening, and I can't wait to see what you do with it!
Hi, Michelle! Great story with saving the world theme.
ReplyDeletePitch: In a pitch with such little word count, make every word count. Introduce us to the MCs, reveal the conflicts and stakes. I may have done the pitch like this:
"Payton, with hopes as simple as getting leads in plays, getting her dream boys and getting out of her best friend's shadow, instead gets chosen to save humanity from losing imagination before it's too late."
Not very good pitch from me either but you get the picture.
500 words:
I'm guessing the doomsday guy is foreshadowing upcoming doom. Good job with foreshadowing and worldbuilding. The silent, stifling subway ride antes up the setting. Since a lot of people are familiar with how New Yorkers are during rush hours, I'd suggest you to trim down a bit of the descriptions and instead add more of that stifling drama with the doomsday guy. He's yelling about the Apocalypse. Get him to yell more. Make him exaggerate a bit more and scarily too.
I noticed one word missing. The lady in the train asked Payton "How are you?" when it should be "How old are you?"
Other than that, intriguing and promising story and premise. Best of luck with your revision!
Pitch: I think is this an excellent pitch. It gives the reader an idea of Payton’s character, sets up the main conflict and outlines the stakes.
ReplyDelete500 words: I really liked the way the opening creates tension and anxiety – it made me feel nervous for the main character! Being stuck in a train with too many people is something I can instantly relate to. I was a little confused by the first two lines however. For the first line, it wasn’t clear to me that the “well-dressed man” was the one speaking at first. I think it’s important to make sure that’s clear because otherwise there isn’t anything strange about the man from his description. With the second line, I was unsure what the “ad” that she is looking at is, as it isn’t mentioned again…
I also noticed a little bit of repetition in the descriptions. When the man is speaking, he’s described as “yelling,” “hollering” and “screaming” in a few sentences and some of those dialogue tags can probably be cut. There’s also repetition of her legs trembling/shaking towards the end.
Other than those few little things, I think it’s a good opening and the upper MG tone is just right :-)
I like your pitch! It has a tone of humor in it and establishes the stakes.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is nice but hanging dialogue can be tricky. Maybe if you describe the voice saying this (Old? Cracked? Deep?) then it will flow smoother.
I like your description of the people on the train; fulfills my desire to be able to visualize stories.
Now, some picky comments. You have some repetitive words that people have already mentioned. One example: “The woman beside me grabs my arm.” You use grab several times in a row, and also this seems like an aggressive word for here. “Touches” might work better in this place. Also, I’m surprised the crazy man gets away with grabbing people. Usually that’s a pretty hard line to cross, and he even manages to grab a child without anyone kicking up a fuss. The bystander effect can be strong but I’d expect a grown man going after children to get someone shouting.
This one is a personal opinion. I know this crazy is more than a random drunk because of your pitch. However, he comes across perfectly as an insane man. Particularly with the smell of alcohol. If he’s going to turn out to be an important character later, then I’m wondering if there can be any indication of magic when the main character meets him. Something to make it a little harder for her to convince herself that he’s just any random drunk.
I think your tone is great for middle-grade and your story is intriguing thus far.
I just typed out a massive comment, and then when I went to publish it, it disappeared...so I hope I remember everything I wrote here.
ReplyDeleteI really love your premise, I agree that adding a few lines that anchor Payton would make it stronger. Also pay attention to verb tenses, I think it makes more sense with the word "didn't" instead of "doesn't"
I love opening in a subway car, but agree that you could lose some of the more repetitive descriptions. I would also love detail beyond that of the people she sees (noises? temperature? smells?)
I also had a few flags about the conversation with the woman. As a New Yorker the woman would ask if she were in 7th or 8th grade, not year 7 or 8. New Yorkers also do not speak to each other on the subway, and if your MC is a seasoned enough New Yorker to be taking the train by herself at 12, she'd probably think it was a little odd that a strange woman was trying to make conversation with her. Also is the man shouting? are she and the woman having to shout over him to have a conversations? If you're only looking for a way to establish your MC's age, I think there are potentially quicker ways to do it (she could finally be allowed to ride the train by herself now that she's 13, she could think about being on her way to school, etc.)
This is really great, and I can't wait to see where you go with it!
Hi!!
ReplyDeleteRemember that all crits are subjective and that you are welcome to use or dismiss mine as you see fit for your story! Thanks for entering #YayYA!
Pitch: Awesome premise. I love it. It's like "Oh okay just another contemporary story... WAIT WHAT?"
First 500: Ooh, New York! I love city-set stories. They're harder to write, I feel, for fantasy. I agree with other commenters that no NYC dweller, especially not a young girl, would talk to a stranger on a subway (my dad grew up in the Bronx, so that's my source). I love how she nicknames everyone. It's relatable and conveys her personality.
I'd like some more sensory detail. What do her surroundings sound like, for example? Lots of upper MG readers will find subways really cool and will want to know what they sound like. I want to know what Crazy Guy's eyes look like when he grabs her.
You definitely have your target audience's voice in mind and you write it flawlessly. Her voice sounds like a 13-year-old girl. I love it.
Hope this helps!! Happy writing :)
HI everyone. Thank you very much for all your very helpful and honest advice. I feel very lucky to have shared my work with all of you. I enjoyed reading all your writing too. I wish you all lots of success. And Rachel, thank you for organizing this for all of us. Michelle
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