Saturday, May 9, 2015

#YayYA Critique party: Entry #4


NAME: Jenny Chou

GENRE: YA Thriller

TITLE: VANISHED

35-WORD PITCH: When Sasha’s partner-in-crime talks her into one last heist before college, disaster strikes. They’ve been set up. She must steal a priceless sapphire back again, or her bewildered identical twin will take the fall.

FIRST 500:


If my entire life hadn’t been the exact opposite of ordinary, I might have been at home in Paris, clicking through university websites and daydreaming about ivy-covered lecture halls. Instead, I hid in a grove of trees on the muddy Italian coast, watching the dusky night close in around Signora D’Agnelli’s limousine. When the taillights disappeared, my brother tapped my shoulder. Raj had unburied the ladder we’d stashed beneath a carpet of damp leaves the night before.  

 “Grab the other end,” he said in French, and he shot me his sly grin.

I refused to return his smile, but I did snag the ladder. A chill from the cold aluminum seeped into my thin gloves. Pulling me along, Raj crept from the shadows, and began to jog alongside the woods. Signora D’Agnelli’s majestic villa rose in front of us on a hill, dark except for a single lamppost in the front garden. We circled around back to a stone patio. Plants and decorative rocks surrounded a tropical paradise of a swimming pool. For a moment I imagined drifting around on a raft in the warm summer sun while flirting with Signora D’Agnelli’s adorable grandson. And then I almost laughed. Like that would ever happen after tonight’s activities.
Back in reality, I propped the ladder against a stucco column and gazed up at the unlit windows. Could we really pull this off, on our own, without Dad? I reached for my watch, ready to twirl it in circles around my wrist, but of course the watch wasn’t there. Just like Raj had removed all his earrings, I’d slipped off all my jewelry, too. Neither of us would chance leaving evidence behind.

“You’re sure about this?” I asked. There was still time to backtrack. An hour from now I could be reading my book, snuggly under the covers at a charming B&B in the nearby village of Santa Marinella.

“For the millionth time, Sasha, I’m sure.” Raj had already set his laptop up on a wooden table and, with practiced ease, hacked into Tele-Italia’s website. The villa’s alarm system ran on a landline instead of a cellular network. His fingers danced across the keyboard. “This alarm’s a joke. It’s like she’s inviting us inside.”

Typical. Raj had the Chinese characters for genius tattooed on his bicep. I’d call him cocky but he’d take it as a compliment.

            A musty autumn breeze fluttered through my ponytail, tickling the back of my neck, and giving me the creepy feeling of being watched. I shivered and glanced around, but Raj and I were alone. The last bit of sun became a slit in the sky and a motion-sensing light popped on, setting the patio ablaze. Even though the closest neighbors lived a quarter-mile away through the woods, the light sent my heart pounding. 
From the nearby Tyrrhenian Sea, waves crashed against the jagged shoreline. I picked up Raj’s backpack from the ground by his feet and took out two mini flashlights and some rope. 



Name: Jenny Chou

Genre: Thriller

Title: VANISHED

Pitch: 

When Sasha’s partner-in-crime talks her into one last heist before college, disaster strikes. They’ve been set up. She must steal a priceless sapphire back again, or her bewildered identical twin will take the fall.

First 500:

If my life hadn’t been the opposite of ordinary, I might have been at home in Paris, clicking through university websites and daydreaming about ivy-covered lecture halls. Instead, I hid in a grove of trees on the muddy Italian coast, watching the dusky night close in around Signora D’Agnelli’s limousine. When the taillights disappeared, my brother tapped my shoulder. Raj had unburied the ladder we’d stashed beneath a carpet of damp leaves the night before.  
 “Grab the other end,” he said in French, and he shot me his sly grin.
I refused to return his smile, but I did snag the ladder. A chill from the cold metal seeped into my thin gloves. Pulling me along, Raj crept from the shadows, and began to jog alongside the woods. Signora D’Agnelli’s majestic villa rose in front of us on a hill, dark except for a single lamppost in the front garden. We circled around back to a stone patio where plants and decorative rocks surrounded a tropical paradise of a swimming pool.
While Raj pulled his laptop from his backpack, I imagined drifting around the pool on a raft, summer sun hot against my skin. I wore a blazing orange bikini and sipped a mango smoothie from a glass with an umbrella. Best of all, I flirted with Signora D’Agnelli’s grandson. In my imaginary life, I was the kind of girl who knew what to say to adorable boys.
Many times, I’d spotted the grandson in the nearby village of Santa Marinella. From weeks of observation, I knew he was in his last year at St. Elisabetta’s Academy, a year ahead of where I would be if I’d ever gone to school.
But in my real life, he didn’t even know I existed, which was probably a good thing, considering the reason Raj and I were standing on his grandmother’s patio. I propped the ladder against a stucco column and gazed up at the villa’s unlit windows. Could we really pull this off, on our own, without Dad? I reached for my watch, ready to twirl it in circles around my wrist, but of course the watch wasn’t there. Just like Raj had removed all his earrings, I’d taken off my jewelry, too. Neither of us would chance leaving evidence behind.
Raj had set his laptop up on a wooden table. I watched his fingers dance across the keyboard.
“You’re sure about this?” There was still time to talk him out of it. An hour from now I could be reading my book, cozy under the blankets at a charming B&B in Santa Marinella.
“For the millionth time, Sasha, I’m sure.” With practiced ease, Raj hacked into the website for Tele-Italia. The villa’s alarm system ran on a landline instead of a cellular network. “This alarm’s a joke. It’s like she’s inviting us inside.”
Typical. Raj had the Chinese characters for genius tattooed on his bicep. I’d call him cocky but he’d take it as a compliment.


17 comments:

  1. Hi Jenny,

    I saw this before at another event a little while back and I think the work you’ve done since has made a fantastic difference. Well done!

    If memory serves me well, I think you’ve changed your opening line. I really like the way you’ve set up a contrast between where Sasha could be and where she actually is. It works very well.

    The details and descriptions are very fluid and the writing flows very smoothly. You’ve done a brilliant job. Sasha sounds stronger and Raj doesn’t come across as dominant as he did before. I also like the way you’ve got in that they actually know the signora and her grandson. This adds a whole new element of intrigue to your set-up. Burglary is one thing, but when the burglars know their victim, that’s a lot more unusual, and makes for a great hook.

    If I’m being really nit-picky, the only thing I’d pick up on is the light.

    We know it’s night time and it seems dark “the taillights disappeared”, “dark except for a single lamppost in the front garden” but then, at the end “The last bit of sun became a slit in the sky and a motion-sensing light popped on, setting the patio ablaze.”

    It’s not a complete contradiction, because it could be twilight, but the earlier paragraphs made me think it was later. In any case, it’s a very small fix. (Actually, I think if you make it twilight, it works better for your description of the villa and the pool, because if it was dark, could she see it? But then she does know the villa already. She has been there before and there are lights… Anyway, very minor details…)

    Great work and best of luck!

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  2. So, first off I loved this entry when it was in Pitchslam and I still love it. Good work, Jenny. Honestly, this is super strong as is, but let me see if I can pick on some stuff for you so that I feel like I've helped.

    The sentence with unburying the ladder. Maybe you could do a bit more showing with that. Like a little more description of what that looks and sounds like, maybe. Just a thought.

    There is a bit of filtering in the second paragraph. You talk about her imagining floating in the pool and flirting with the grandson. I'd get rid of the imagining and just make that internal monologue. Same for the almost laughing. Or maybe instead. "Ha! Like that would ever happen, let me bat my eyelashes at you while I rob you blind." That's just a suggestion, but something like that would bring us closer to your MC.

    I like the details about removing the jewelry. Raj having lots of earrings sounds cool. I also wonder at the significance of the watch. Not many people wear them anymore since cellphones are so ubiquitous. Does it have some special meaning to her? Or is this a period piece? Just something to think about.

    I like the part about the signora inviting them in. I do wonder if you could do something a little more voicey. Something like, "It's like a welcome mat for criminals." That's terrible, but it could be cooler than that if you wanted.

    Similarly with the, "I'd call him cocky. . ." line. It could be a bit voicier here too. Like, "I'd call him cocky, but why encourage him?" or something.

    Overall, this is very strong and all my suggestions are just nitpicks, really. Good work and good hook. I do wonder what it is their trying to steal and whether they will succeed. I'd read on. Good luck and I hope this helps.

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  3. Hi Jenny. It's a pitch slam party!

    I love it and would definitely read on. I disagree with Jessica about the cocky line. That's my favorite line of the first 500.

    My only real suggestion is I'd like to see a bit more hint about the stakes. Why are they stealing from someone she knows? I'd like a hint of her desperation, or vengeance, or whatever is motivating her. And I think there could be a touch more dread here. It's there, but I'd like to see a bit more of her controlling her panic that they might get caught. Basically my feedback is to strengthen the why and the what happens if they fail.

    But solid solid work. I'd read on.

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  4. First, I think your 35 word pitch is spot on. I like the voice pretty well, too. You do a good job establishing what is normal for your character in the opening paragraphs.

    One sort of nit picky thing- I don't love openings that talk about being an ordinary person. I didn't pick up the book to read about somebody ordinary. I'd rather jump directly to what is extraordinary about the character's life.

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  5. Hi Jenny!

    I agree with Sheena: I'd like to see a bit more hint about the stakes. Why are they stealing from someone she knows?
    Maybe you should start when they are actually in the house they are stealing from to set the tone for an epic break-in beginning about some theives. (I have never tried writing thriller so I don't know much about it besides the few thrillers I've read)

    Otherwise, the pitch is good and makes you want to look up the book at your library and figure out more about it!

    ~Cayla (#2)

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  6. Hi Jenny!

    First off, I think your pitch is great. I get the premise right away and immediately want to know more about these characters. As for the material itself, I think it's really strong. There's a really nicely painted mood/atmosphere here that lets the reader jump in right away. And I like Raj--just a few lines and I'm sold :)

    I agree with Jessica on the fantasy moment about the boy. Don't tell us you're imagining it--just imagine it. It will bring us closer to the MC. Nice work!

    Katy

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  7. Hi Jenny!!

    I'm going to crit your entry thoroughly, but remember that all advice is subjective in the art world and you are more than welcome to burn mine if it's totally opposite of what you think is best for YOUR story! :D

    I remember swapping with you previously and liking your entry. I love it even more now! Your writing is more polished and you set up for a fun story.

    I only have a few nitpicyk things to say. I think the biggest one is I'd like to see more voice. Voice, voice, voice. Raj establishes himself within a few sentences as being a strong, developed character. As the MC, Sasha should out-do him. And I'm not saying she has to change her personality... I just would LOVE to see that personality shine through the pages. Perhaps part of this comes from the fact that, and correct me if I'm wrong, she doesn't seem to be doing too much in this scene, except looking around while Raj does his thing. Show how she's necessary to this escapade, how without her, he couldn't have attempted this heist. Make her less passive and more active. Or, if she genuinely can't do anything right now until he does ALL THE HACKING THINGS first, then show her impatience or nervousness or whatever. IS she looking forward to this? Or is she more like, "ugh, why this again?"

    Overall, as a fan of How to Steal a Million and Artemis Fowl, I'd LOVE to read this book. :D Yay you!!

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  8. Great story and writing! I'll do my best to offer at lest some advice--

    Your pitch is clear. It made me want to pick up your book. When I started reading, I wondered if Raj was Sasha's partner in crime that you mentioned in the pitch. If so,maybe tell us that. Maybe I'm totally off.

    I agree that Sasha should be made into a stronger, more important character at the beginning. Raj should need her just as much as she needs him. Tell us what she is doing that makes her valuable in this mission.

    I was also a little confused about the time of day. I pictured total darkness until the end. You might try letting us know that its twilight near the beginning so I can get a better visualization.

    These are all pretty nit-picky things to mention though. I'm trying to give you something, but what you have is really well done.

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  9. Hello :)

    I agree with all of the posters above. You have a strong pitch and 500. I like the mention they said about the pool scene, don't tell about imagining it, just bring us into the imagination.
    I also agree about letting us know it's twilight sooner. Other than that I really can't find anything, it's delightful and I want to read more.

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  10. Miss Jenny-

    This is a super strong entry. Loving the action, characterization, and setting. Thank you for having the setting somewhere foreign. Very interesting! My favorite detail in this scene is about Raj's dumb tattoo, haha. It definitely helps solidify his character.

    I agree with Rachel that some more voice would definitely help this scene. I can't really tell if Sasha is nervous, confident, morally conflicted, jaded, etc. Luckily, the action is intriguing enough that the writing is still strong, but I think more voice would make it irresistible!

    -Molly (@MollyCluff)

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  11. I don't have a lot to say. Is good to me. Words describe what going without drawing attention to themselves. But, I was confused by the opening line: If my entire life hadn’t been the exact opposite of ordinary. With the double negative-esque-ness, I had to reread to understand what you meant. One other nitpik, and it wouldn't bother me if you kept it. "Sent my heart pounding" might be cliché. I know its a perfect way to describe what happens. (I have a hard time finding something different to write in such situations.)

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  12. PITCH: Oooh I’m intrigued by this pitch! I love anything to do with a good heist so you’ve got my attention!

    FIRST 500: All right, the cynic in me wants to quiet the rational part of me that KNOWS ordinary folk live in Paris, but gosh, to an American, living in Paris sounds ANYTHING but ordinary! Depending on how important it is to you to get WHERE exactly she is from in that first sentence, I’d consider nixing the Paris reference here and inserting it later to maybe avoid this kind of friction of thought for your readers.

    Overall, I really enjoyed this first page! I think you did some nice foreshadowing with the “without Dad” comment—that grabbed my attention—and i love that the heist element to this involves jewels. And also, LOVE the descriptive section about the Chinese characters on Raj’s thigh. So great. Is Raj a sibling? I’m reading him as such a bit here.

    Excited for you on where this goes! I could see an agent really loving it!

    PS - One thing “musty” autumn breeze? Maybe “cool autumn breeze” or something…. musty makes me think of attics!

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  13. LOVE the pitch! Sucks me in immediately. On to the excerpt.

    Little thing - using "and" after the dialogue tags distracts me. Maybe "shooting me a sly grin" would work better? The "without dad" is great because it sets the reader up thinking she was raised in a crime family, which is a great premise. I like a lot of you wording, including "call him cocky but he'd take it as a compliment." Aside from that, I can think of anything to add that others haven't already said. I would keep reading if this made its way into my book queue, so that's good :)

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  14. I can't come up with much to quibble with here! My only suggestion has to do with her daydreaming paragraph. For clarity, try changing up the verb tenses:

    While Raj pulled his laptop from his backpack, I imagined drifting around the pool on a raft, summer sun hot against my skin. I'd be wearing a blazing orange bikini, sipping a mango smoothie from a glass with an umbrella, and - best of all - flirting with Signora D’Agnelli’s grandson. If that was my life, I'd be the kind of girl who knew what to say to adorable boys.

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  15. Jenny, the improvements here are great. Your pitch is crystal clear and fantastic. You did a really great job of bring forward some of the concerns I had with the previous draft. Everything has more clarity. I would agree with Amelinda about changing the verb tense in that one paragraph, but other than that good work. Smooth and inviting and it makes me want to read more. Good luck.

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  16. Everything sounds good to me. Don't really have anything to add or take away. Best of luck.

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  17. Hi Jenny,

    Sorry I was away all week so hope you will see this at some point.

    The paragraph you’ve added about the grandson works really well. We get more insight into Sasha, which makes her come across as a stronger character, and a few intriguing hints about her and her family.

    I think you have a great start to your story and best of luck with it,

    MVB

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