Thursday, April 30, 2015

#YayYA Critique Party: Entry #16

Name: Rachel Stevenson

Title: University Besieged

Genre: Weird Western

35-word pitch: In alternate 1924, slicker McKay and half-Indian cowboy Bobby, rivals, are trapped at their elite university between all-destroying sand and Mexican rebels. Starvation devours class unity, but each life lost narrows everyone's chance to survive.



First 500:
The sun sifted through thin clouds and my thinner shirt. My world was golden and full of my own pulse as round we went, shorts slapping pumping thighs.

Some guys glanced at the fences around the track. The girls stood there, booshwashing, hands pressing hats to heads and hats pressing shadows over sweet smiles.

I rarely looked that way. When I ran, I ran. And ahead of me, like clockwork, were Lindsay and Sander.

Lindsay laughed when he ran. Lindsay always laughed, waving and winking at the girls and still having enough time to whip me soundly across the line. He always did, even for warm-ups. It’s like he has to do it, and then laugh at me.

Sander destroyed both of us. Always. The three of us stumbled over the finish line, me gasping, Lindsay laughing and flailing, Sander grinning ear to ear. We linked arms over shoulders and felt each other sweat and breathe, as the rest of the team straggled over the line. Dolls clapped. Gents waved straw boater hats.

Behind us rose dusty little Homestead. And that’s when I first saw Bobby leaning over the fence, arms crossed and brow knotted under that greasy Stetson of his.

I forgot my surroundings. His hard eyes in his filthy face locked on mine. I remember I heard the incoming 5 o’clock train whistle pierce the summer blaze, and then Bobby nodded.

The pause on life snapped as Lindsay smacked my head with his own boater, freshly fetched from whatever blonde sheba he'd picked as an accessory for the month.

“Hey!” I exclaimed, and of course he laughed.

“Beat you again, Mr. Parrish.” He pumped my hand half off my arm before winking and darting off to his fluffy girl, whooping at the crowd and yelling good-natured insults to losers. Obviously, he’d forgotten we’d met for a workout, not for a legitimate competition.

I watched him go, balled up confused about the then-nameless-to-me dirty palooka who looked like he wanted to shoot me. Lindsay ran hither and thither, dragging his date behind him, one blazer sleeve on and his hat askew. Lindsay’s so energetic he probably makes life tired. Sander shook his head at us both.

But then Bobby scared the bejeebers out of me by coming up from behind.

“How do, Mr. Parrish?”

Startled, I whirled on one heel. Before I could grimace at the sticky sweatiness practically rolling off his crumpled self, he stuffed a fresh letter under my nose.

“Uh…”

I took it, avoiding the fingerprints Bobby’s thick thumbs left on the envelope. Sure enough, my name was there in fancy script.

Right then, and I don’t know why, I noticed the polished Emmie badge dangling on Bobby’s shirt. This put more stance in my shoulders and I fought the urge to smear my fingers under my nose.

“I’m McKay Parrish,” I said.

Bobby’s mouth quirked. “I know, I said that myself. Most’ve us know anyway.”

Well, isn’t he the most pleasant greaseball I ever met.

16 comments:

  1. So first off this is great. Good voice, excellent imagery, and best of all a real sense of individual characters which is a hard thing to establish in the first few pages. I can see the desert, feel the dry air, all of it is really real and that's great. I wonder what about it makes it a "weird western" rather than a regular western. This is alternate history? If there is some weird plot element coming it might be good to bring it forward just to give us a sense of what about this makes it weird. Or if you just have some big different societal element it would be great if you could hint at that right away. Other than that, I don't have a lot to complain about. The prose is engaging and I'd read more.

    I hope this helps.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Rachel!

    As Jessica mentioned, your writing really brings out the sensory experience of the setting. I love your attention to detail.

    This might be a subjective thing, but I feel like there is just a little too much telling for Lindsay's character? It mainly stood out to be because he gets his own paragraph in your first 500, and I feel like you can show that he's a flamboyant, ladies' man just as well other less significant places. But at the same time, that paragraph works with the tone of the narration, so I can totally see why you'd keep it.

    One thing I had a bit of trouble with was the phrase "then-nameless-to-me". Is this to be taken in a literal sense, as in Mckay not know Bobby's name then? Then why does he still refer to him as Bobby when he glances over? It made me wonder if this scene is a reflection of some sorts, which was a bit confusing because it read very in the moment and didn't seem like one. If this phrase is meant to be taken as more of a "he's not worth being called by name" thing, then perhaps you can play around with different phrases.

    Overall though, I enjoyed reading!

    -Joan

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Rachel!

    As Jessica mentioned, your writing really brings out the sensory experience of the setting. I love your attention to detail.

    This might be a subjective thing, but I feel like there is just a little too much telling for Lindsay's character? It mainly stood out to be because he gets his own paragraph in your first 500, and I feel like you can show that he's a flamboyant, ladies' man just as well other less significant places. But at the same time, that paragraph works with the tone of the narration, so I can totally see why you'd keep it.

    One thing I had a bit of trouble with was the phrase "then-nameless-to-me". Is this to be taken in a literal sense, as in Mckay not know Bobby's name then? Then why does he still refer to him as Bobby when he glances over? It made me wonder if this scene is a reflection of some sorts, which was a bit confusing because it read very in the moment and didn't seem like one. If this phrase is meant to be taken as more of a "he's not worth being called by name" thing, then perhaps you can play around with different phrases.

    Overall though, I enjoyed reading!

    -Joan

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Rachel,

    There’s some lovely writing and imagery in this opening and it flows really well. I suppose I’m interested in how far they have to run and why they are working out. It sounds like an athletics club, maybe? Is there an important race coming up? A couple of details like this would invest me even more.

    McKay’s relationship with Lindsay appears a little ambivalent, but I assume this is intentional. They seem to be competitors on the one hand ‘It’s like he has to do it, and then laugh at me” and friends on the other “We linked arms over shoulders and felt each other sweat and breathe”

    Then there is the encounter with Bobby, which is also ambivalent. Mc Kay’s initial reaction is hostile, even fearful, but then Bobby has a letter for him (this is intriguing and I wonder what the significance is and why Bobby would have a letter for McKay) and Mc Kay notices Bobby’s badge and finishes with “Well, isn’t he the most pleasant greaseball I ever met.” which could be sarcastic, but I’m not sure that it is.

    It’s a good opening but I would like to know a bit more about McKay’s motivations. He seems to like running but why? Does he want to win, improve his times, or is he just happy to be with his friends? (It doesn’t seem to be to impress the girls anyway!) Why does Bobby make him so uneasy, because he’s dirty, from a different background or is McKay afraid of him?

    Great work and hope this is of some help!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow, you fit a lot of information into that pitch! Although, I don't think Weird Western is a genre. Maybe try alternate history western?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Pitch: (because that's what I haven't weighed in on yet)

    The "Rivals" in the first sentence is kinda disconcerting, I'd either put it at the beginning, or drop it entirely you've got more than enough going on around here.

    In the last sentence... I'd rather you make it more about the rivals. What do THEY need to do to survive or save the day, or whatever? I don't care about everyone else. (Yeah, I'm that kind of jerk)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Echoing the props for evocative setting! Personally I love "weird western" as a description - kind of made me want to read on in itself! - but I agree "alternate history western" might be more informative.

    Just a couple of things that jumped out at me:

    I found it odd that he was noticing the girls if he rarely looks that way. Maybe if Lindsay's ahead of him, laughing and waving, it would distract him into glancing over?

    I also found the retrospective stance a little awkward (including the "then-nameless-to-me" but also "I remember I heard...") - we're so immersed in the moment that it's jarring to have this distance inserted. If you need to keep this, I'd make it more sustained; otherwise, I'd say tell it straight, without the filter.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I had no problem with the nameless-to-me bit. It evoke a sense of 'I'm not trying to show emotion' mentality. Good over all, but I feel as if the language might be a hint flowery for grittiness I sense coming (it just what I feel, I am having a hard time giving concrete examples. So, feel free to ignore that bit). And, 'like clockwork' might be cliché.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What the heck is booshwashing?

    So I had a hard time figuring out what they were doing, I think because I need just a few moments inside the POV character's head to feel his breath tight in his throat, or his legs aching, or sweat sliding down his back. It seems like it's the POV of the group more than just one person. I feel like I know Lindsey better then the POV.

    That said, I think the voice is killer and the writing is perfection. I just want to dig in deeper to his POV.

    But that's just my opinion. Ignore it if it doesn't help.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think you have a very interesting writing style and I liked the genre. A few comments though:

    First, I was kind of thrown off by the pitch. What's a slicker? Also, what is all-destroying sand? Is that like a sandstorm? If I don't know what you're pitching, then I'm not going to be able to figure out what's happening in the story.

    Next, in the opening I was very confused about what was happening. I had to re-read it three times to figure out that a race was taking place and your MC was a part of it. When you say that "Lindsay laughed when he ran", I didn't know who 'he' was. I guess Sander is a boy's name, but I didn't know that from the start. Perhaps it's just me, but I would clear that up. In addition, I felt like there were a lot of short sentences which made reading this feel very choppy to me. It was like hopping from point to point, so I would work on having sentences that smoothly flow into one another.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Good morning!

    I too want to know what booshwashing is :) I had no problems with knowing they were running a race and enjoyed the description, I did seem to get that the three of them were friends and liked the interplay between them. I was confused about Bobby though. When you say his name from the beginning it makes me feel like your MC already knows him as looks over there's Bobby on the fence.

    That makes me wonder if this is a memory he is reliving, but it doesn't read that way. Maybe keep Bobby nameless if it isn't a memory so we don't get that sense of familiarity between the two just yet? Or perhaps he does know of Bobby, as kids do know other kids names in school without actually knowing them. I guess it's the "then-nameless-to-me" part that throws the context of it off for me.

    enjoyable nonetheless :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. RAAAACHEL :D

    With this entry, I feel like Anne Shirley when she says, "I feel like someone's handed me the moon, and I don't exactly know what to do with it!" I love the setting and uniqueness so much, and simultaneously don't know enough about Western in general to know what to even comment on.

    I loved the line about the "good-natured insults". I totally get what Lindsay is like immediately based on that line.

    Also, just because of genre, I was imagining them running in some Western town, kicking up dirt and whatnot. If that's not the case, you might want to give readers a stronger sense of setting. My stereotyping is definitely running away with me.

    Are these guys professional runners, or is this just a bit of fun? Or are they some other kind of athletes, and this is crosstraining? It seems like they do this running thing a lot. I'm sure you describe that in the next few pages, but those are the questions that I'm left with after reading the beginning.

    Anyway, I love the fun relationship between Sander, Lindsay, and Mckay. I'd love to see more of them!

    -Molly (@mollycluff)

    ReplyDelete
  13. A source vouching for the legitimacy of "Weird Western" as a genre: http://www.fuseliterary.com/sff-subcategories/

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Rachel!

    I like the idea and the story and especially McKay and Lindsay... I feel like I know them already XD
    However, I find the pitch a little dark fora weird western... If the tone of the book is like that maybe it should be a thriller or tragedy western.
    The slang was just a little too much... Maybe just keep it in the dialogue then in the story telling so it doesn't get too confusing... "Maze Runner" style :)
    Also, if it was just a practice, why are all those people watching them?
    Other then that, this had to be one of my favorite entries! Thanks for running this contest!

    ~Cayla (#2)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Your pitch definitely had me interested. I have never heard of a weird western. Totally unique. I had to read your pitch twice just to make sure I understood it all. I think the placing of the word "rivals" is what threw me. It needs to be in there, but maybe at the beginning. Also, I wasn't entirely sure what a slicker is--a city kid?

    As far as the first 500 go--

    You have a lot of very helpful comments and I don't want to be redundant so I'll just point out a couple of things here.

    It was beautifully written but I did get a little lost with the slang. If I read westerns though, it probably wouldn't be an issue at all so I don't know that I would take it out just for newbies like me.

    Is McKay just seeing Bobby for the first time? I sensed that this was a recollection. Am I correct?

    I loved that I could feel as if I was there. You did a great job painting the scene for the reader.

    Western is not a genre I would normally read but I am interested in learning more about this 'all destroying sand' and the elite university they go to. I want to now how Bobby fits in and why they are rivals. You have me hooked with the pitch and beautiful writing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi!

    Re: the Pitch - LOVE that it's alternative history (weird western is entirely new to me, didn't even know such a thing existed). But I love historical fiction and AU fanfics have always been interesting to me so I'm intrigued. The pitch is solid, I have no criticism here; you do a lot with just a few words.

    Re: the Excerpt -
    The way you write is fantastic, almost poetical in places.
    This one bit was a little awkward in terms of tense agreement - "He always did, even for warm-ups. It’s like he has to do it, and then laugh at me." Everything else seems to be past, probably long-past, but then this isn't, so it threw me. Is the protag telling the story from many years later, or from after the action each day?
    I'm enjoying all of the old-timey western 20s slang. Helps set the mood, as do your descriptions of people hats, Homestead, etc.
    I'd like to see the MC a little bit more clearly in the opening because it feels like we're getting a clearer picture of his mates, but since this is just the first 500 words I'm not to worried about it - if we were two chapters in, it would be different.
    Well done!

    ReplyDelete