Saturday, May 9, 2015

#YayYA Critique Party: Entry #11


Name: Amelinda Berube (@metuiteme on Twitter)

Genre: Horror

Title: Under the Icy Lake


35-word pitch: The poltergeist attacking fifteen-year-old Marianne is bent on reclaiming the life it says she stole. If she won’t let it possess her, it will turn on her family and the girl she’s coming to love.


First 500:

The silence still clings to me.
If I close my eyes it's there waiting for me, ready to swallow me again. Heavy as water, it fills my mouth, smothers even the sound of my breath in my ears. I step onto the sand, out of the shadow of the trees. The crescent of the beach stretches out to rocky points just visible against the lights of the city. Before me I feel more than see the river, a coolness on my face, an extension of the starless sky.
Out there, where there are no more lights, something is moving. Too far and too deep to bring a ripple to the featureless surface, but I know it like I know my heart is beating. I can't look away. Something is groping its way towards me through the silence and the dark, something I could never run from.
I rest my forehead against the window, willing the ordinary sounds around me to wash the memory away. I listen to the windshield wipers, the spatter of the rain. Mom breathes in little hitches beside me, trying not to let me hear her crying. Was it a dream? I don't remember waking from it, but it's been lurking in the corners of my thoughts, stealing back over me at every unguarded moment, darkening the whole day.
I risk a glance at my mom. She's wiping her eyes. Her hair - like mine, a curtain of black, but shot through with silver threads - is usually tied up in a neat sweep, but today she's just yanked it through an elastic, pieces of it straggling around her face. Before I can look away again her gaze meets mine and she attempts a half-smile.
It hurts to see it. I study the flowers in my lap. They're for Aunt Marjorie. Lilies, big splashy orange ones. The smell is giving me a headache. Mom slams on the brakes and I have to clutch the bouquet to stop it from sliding out of my lap; she grates out a few choice swear words at the car ahead of us.
"I left your father a message." She says the words like she's throwing rocks. "I sure hope he calls you."
I take the rocks in like water - like a lake, an icy lake, swallowing their impact without a splash, letting them sink. I turn back to the window, watch my reflection slide over the river and the heavy sky. My face is thin and pale in the glass, my eyes dark hollows. I look like a ghost. Mom heaves a sigh, yanks a Kleenex from the box sitting between us.
When I woke up this morning in the faint gray light she was sitting on the edge of my bed, hunched over, hands clasped between her knees, not looking at me. 
"You should stay in your room for now, sweetie," she said hoarsely.



Name: Amelinda Berube (@metuiteme on Twitter)

Genre: Horror

Title: Under the Icy Lake

35-word pitch: Under attack by a poltergeist, bookish fifteen-year-old Marianne risks confiding in long-admired goth-girl Rhiannon. Rhiannon may be more than a friend to Marianne  but shes also another weapon for the ghost to use against her.

First 500:

The silence still clings to me.

If I close my eyes it's there waiting for me, filling my mouth, heavy as water. Ready to swallow me again.

I rest my forehead against the window, willing the ordinary sounds around me to wash the memory away. I listen to the windshield wipers, the spatter of the rain, the rattle in the wheel-well that Mom has been leaving Dad notes about for weeks. She's breathing in little hitches beside me, trying not to let me hear her crying.

I risk a glance at her; she's wiping her eyes. Her hair is usually tied up in a neat sweep of gleaming black,  silver threads glinting through it. Today she's just yanked it through an elastic, pieces straggling dull and stringy around her face. Before I can look away again her gaze meets mine and she attempts a half-smile.

It hurts to see it. I study the flowers in my lap. They're for Aunt Marjorie. Lilies, big splashy orange ones. The smell is giving me a headache. Mom slams on the brakes and I have to clutch the bouquet to stop it from sliding to the floor; she grates out a few choice swear words at the car ahead of us.

"I left your father a message." She says the words like she's throwing rocks. "I sure hope he calls you."

I take the rocks in like water - like a lake, an icy lake, swallowing their impact without a splash, letting them sink. I turn back to the window, watch my reflection slide over the river and the low-slung clouds.  Mom heaves a sigh, yanks a Kleenex from the box sitting between us.

My face is thin and pale, my eyes dark hollows. I look like a ghost.

The chill of the glass seeps through the air towards me, the faintest breath against my skin. I pull away from it, from what it reminds me of, but the images are already uncoiling through my thoughts: stepping onto the sand, out of the shadow of the trees, the silence smothering even the sound of my breath in my ears. The surface stretching out before me was a coolness on my face, an extension of the starless sky.

I think it was a dream.

I woke up in bed this morning, so I know I must have slept. When I opened my eyes in the faint gray light, Mom was sitting on the edge of my bed, hunched over, hands clasped between her knees, not looking at me.

"You should stay in your room for now, sweetie," she said hoarsely.

"Mom?" I pushed myself up on my elbow, blinking, trying to figure out what she was talking about.

"Just - please!" I recoiled from her sudden shout. She put her hands over her face, and then after a moment spoke through them. "Please just listen, Marianne. I need you to stay in your room. Okay? Until I come and get you."

18 comments:

  1. So I'm sure you know the convention about not starting a story with a dream or a flashback. The writing is pretty and interesting and I see exactly why you chose to do it this way, but I also think it's probably going to turn some people off just because of the above stated reasons. I wonder if you could maybe do something stylistic like intercut the narrative with the memory/dream whatever it is. Like start with Marianne at the window and then dribble in the first two paragraphs in dribs and drabs like it's actively haunting her as she interacts with her mom. Just a thought for how to make it more accessible and to not get a direct statement of, "no prologues/no dreams/no flashbacks" from people and still maintaining the integrity of your artistic vision.
    I think that if you did the above thing you probably don't need to make her wonder if it was a dream or memory. Just show us how she's struggling with the intrusive thoughts, even if she's dismissing them. Oh, and one thing I've noticed is that describing hair as curtains is apparently something that has become very cliche in YA. Just a thought. I do like the description of her mom's messy hair, the splashy lilies. I'm assuming for a sick relative or possibly a funeral. Also, lilies give me headaches, too. Good work there.

    The description of her voice like throwing rocks is SO vivid. It does so much to show how the mom is feeling. And taking the rocks like water. Oh wow, so lyrical. I love it.

    Also, the hook at the end is stellar. I want to know what happens next. Great work.

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  2. Love the pitch and opening line!

    I agree about the opening with a dream or flashback, though. Even if it is well written.

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  3. I miss the one with Rhiannon! (I haven't even read your book and I already have a favorite character, this isn't good for constructive feedback)

    This pitch feels a lot weaker to me than some we've visited. More vague, less stakey. But, I've already exposed my bias, so I'm losing effectiveness as a reviewer.

    As someone who fought for her dream opening for a very long time, you may want to listen to the others. Starting from the moment she wakes up and taking out references to the dream will be just as strong, you can get the ghost elements in later. You don't have to have them in right at the start. Ghost stories have different rules. They expect you to start out status quo.

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  4. The writing is lovely. The problem I'm having is that I'm not clear where she is or what is happening. It's not clear to me when she's dreaming, when she's reflecting, and when she's in the car. I need a bit more clarity to ground me in the scene. I'm left confused.

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  5. First off, I really like your style of writing. I was immediately drawn to Marianne and what's going on. One thing though: I was slightly confused with what was happening at the beginning. You have very great descriptions that make her world that much more real, but I think it's kind of frowned upon to start a story with a dream/memory/things of that nature. One line I really liked was "She says the words like she's throwing rocks". Your whole 500 feels gritty and dark, and I'm really into that right now. I would definitely like to see more past these paragraphs. Great work!

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  7. Regarding the Pitch - To be honest, I feel it weakens it to start with the poltergeist because it gives the feel (to me) that the story belongs to the poltergeist and not to Marianne. If possible, I'd try to rephrase so that she is more the subject of the sentence, like she is in sentence two. Idea-wise, though, I like it.


    Regarding the Excerpt - Love the opening line. Your description is almost melodic; I picture the scene like a gray-blue-purple painting of a dark landscape, which I like. Also love the bit about her speaking like she's throwing rocks and Marianne taking the rocks - poetic. I do, however, think the beginning is a bit confusing at first. I think this could be altered by very simply adding the word "like" - it's LIKE I'm there... instead of making it sound like closing her eyes transports her. I could be too literal here, but it threw me when I was envisioning her in this very specific space and suddenly she's resting her forehead on a random window. Just my two cents :)

    Sorry to delete and repost. Editing doesn't seem to be an option and I'm having difficulty because the page keeps refreshing while I'm typing for some reason.

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  8. Good morning!

    The interaction between her and her mom is emotional and you capture it beautifully. It makes me feel right there in the moment, I know they are sad and I want to keep reading to find out why. I agree with all the above in being careful about those dream/flashback starting points, in contests they always say they are gonna get ya if you try.

    I love Jessica's cheat about going in and out so it's not exactly just a dream :) all in all your story works for me and I wanted to read more :)

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  9. I'm not one who cares about what you should or shouldn't do for a start. Dream or whatnot. But, I think this sets too soft of mood for a horror story. Throw in one jagged sentence somewhere, perhaps?

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  10. Hi Amelinda!!



    I'm going to crit your entry thoroughly, but remember that all advice is subjective in the art world and you are more than welcome to burn mine if it's totally opposite of what you think is best for YOUR story! :D


    Okay, so TBH, I don't think I've ever read a single horror in my life, LOL. So take my advice with a grain of salt.

    You obviously are very good at writing prose. You set that chilling, dripping, clouded mood straight off (SPLASHY ORANGE LILIES I LOVE THIS), but.... that's sort of all you do. The story just sort of sits in this first 500. Nothing really moves. And maybe that's the point. Awesome! Just, while you could get away with that for your first page, not moving anywhere for the first TWO pages is probably not a good idea. Also, while I LOVE how she looks in the window reflection at herself, some agents may take this as a turn off due to the no looking in the mirror law. Now while you and I would argue "but it's not a mirror and it's so quick!" they might say otherwise. Just food for thought.

    Otherwise I don't have much to say. Good job!! :D

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  11. I also think it's helpful to read through these comments to see whose most closely matches what I might say and I have to agree with Sheena. When you start off with the dream (which we don't really know is a dream) with "I step onto the sand" and then follow it later with "I rest my forehead on the glass", I got really confused on where the character was supposed to be. I think some folks here have given you a great start on how to maybe work around this--elsewise I'll say your writing is SO visual (which is awesome) and I'm intrigued by this young girl!

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  12. Hi Amelinda!

    So, dream rules aside, I think you're writing is gorgeous. I know nothing about horror so I'm not an authority on the details but I was so impressed with how vivid some of these images were. And there's a melody to it. "Too far and too deep to bring a ripple to the featureless surface," vs. "big, splashy orange ones"! Really really nice. I also liked Jessica's suggestion about weaving these flashes into the car scene to keep your MC anchored in one place without losing all this awesome creepy stuff!

    Also, maybe I'm alone in this but something about the description of the mother felt jarring. It was like I hadn't really noticed someone was writing this story for me, and then suddenly the mechanics revealed themselves. I would try finding one perfect little detail and letting us fill in the rest. (I could be alone in this.)

    Anyway, best of luck! I'm too much of a wuss for this genre, but if I weren't, I would read this :)

    Katy

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  13. Katy's comment about being a too much of a wuss for this genre made me laugh. That's me too. My kids are braver than I am. That aside, even though I don't read horror, I did like the writing. It definitely set a mood. Everything about it, other than the orange lilies, was dark and beautiful. I loved this contrast.

    I wanted to know more about what happens next which is a great thing. You had me wanting to read more. Why should she stay in her room? I'm wanting to know so I would definitely read on. I did think that maybe the opening was a little cryptic though. I was confused about whether or not she was dreaming. Then she was in a car (I think), then she was in her room. I think the setting needs to be more clear.

    The pitch had all of the elements to catch a reader and the stakes were clear. Nice!

    I wish you the best!

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  14. I like the new pitch!

    How ever did you come up with such an amazing thing. Rhiannon sounds so cool!

    (What? I'm biased you say? PIFFLE!)

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  15. I like the new pitch a lot. It's really solid and it gives me a much better idea of what the story is about. I also like a lot of the changes you made to the 500. You lost your prologue. I imagine that probably hurt, especially considering the writing was so lovely. Maybe you can find a spot for it later in the narrative.

    There are a few places in the 500 that read a bit awkwardly to me.
    Notably: the rattle in the wheel well. The detail itself is great and concrete. The bit about mom leaving notes is a bit awkward in my opinion and needs a bit of rewording. Like. The wheel well rattles. Either dad's been missing mom's notes about fixing it or he just doesn't care. That's terrible, but something voicey like that could really help.

    She describes her face. Is she checking herself out in the visor mirror, the side mirror, the window itself? It would be good to know otherwise the description is kind of floating there with nothing to tether it to the narrative.

    Other than those few quibbles, great work and I hope this helps. Good luck, Amelinda.

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  16. I like the improvements. The writing feel more jagged (if that is a good way to describe it). Makes it feel spooky. Tense. Instead of saying 'I look like a ghost,' maybe find a rough-hewn troupe that illustrates her appearance.

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  17. Pitch: A poltergeist story. Intriguing. First, a mechanics comment – You end one sentence with “Rhiannon” and then start the next sentence with the same word. Try to avoid this and mix things up a bit. What is Marianne’s quest? I’d make that more clear. Is this a novel about how she tries to get rid of a poltergeist? Why is the ghost targeting her specifically? Shorten the info about Rhiannon to get more words for the stakes. “A new-found friend becomes a weapon”, for example.

    500: A lot of very vivid, and chilling description! Nice. I like your description of the lilies, and how the smell gives her a headache. Details like this make a scene really pop!
    “I look like a ghost’ is a nice bit of foreshadowing.

    But the image of silence filling her mouth doesn’t work for me. “Willing the ordinary sounds around me to wash the memory away”, this is a great sentence, except that I don’t know what memory she’s talking about, so there’s no impact because I don’t know anything about this character. Could be a memory of anything. I might leave out her memory of a dream for now. I just find it confusing. Focus on the story of a very upset mom and a daughter clearly on the run from something.

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  18. Hi Gail,

    Sorry to be so late to the party and hope you will see this at some point.

    I really like the second part of your new pitch, which I think is excellent. I wonder if you could use that as the basis for your pitch.

    You might end up with something like (except better of course): Goth-girl Rhiannon could be more than a friend to Marianne – but she’s also another weapon for a vengeful poltergeist to use against her.

    I really liked your original 500 words but this version does flow better. It’s easier to follow Marianne’s narrative. The way the dream permeates the scene creates a very creepy and spooky atmosphere which is very effective. I wonder if perhaps you could keep back that it’s a dream for a bit longer, just let us feel that there is something else, besides the fact they are leaving her dad, that is really disturbing Marianne. It is a good hook to keep the reader’s attention. If it’s only a dream it’s a bit disappointing. Even something like “I think it was a dream. What else could it have been?” (or along those lines) would be more intriguing because it highlights the question, and hopefully makes a reader pause for thought.

    Sounds like a great story and the best of luck with it,

    MVB

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