tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post9009152118324518475..comments2023-08-10T08:59:48.131-07:00Comments on What She Wrote: #YayYA Entry #10Rachel Stevensonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00991463819733034833noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-21184083523706916262015-08-05T18:53:29.351-07:002015-08-05T18:53:29.351-07:00Hi Grace,
Holy moly you've worked hard on thi...Hi Grace,<br /><br />Holy moly you've worked hard on this revision! It feels like a completely different voice and for the better! You've clarified a lot of things, and my only comments are to try not to use Ben's name as much--maybe replace with "he" instead, and perhaps give it a few read-throughs to see where you can string some of the ideas together so it's not quite as choppy. But, overall, I'm super-impressed with this edit!Ali Dhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17561720719417085770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-88357214425156958202015-08-04T09:57:42.723-07:002015-08-04T09:57:42.723-07:00Hi Grace,
Waaaa! This is so much better I had to s...Hi Grace,<br />Waaaa! This is so much better I had to scream a little. A couple nit picky things that I don't think have been addressed. The first two sentences could be one and bam! Most incredible first line. Why is it snowing in summer the reader wants to know. Love that. Fortune doesn't need to be named in the pitch. When he slides down from the window the word slid is used twice in that sentence, I would consider changing one of them. The detail about the fiance is brilliant and makes me afraid for her too. In the line about the wheel looming the word outside is used twice, I would consider cutting one. Other than that I think this is a great revision. Good Job!<br />Jacqueline #6Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-90793244113972376142015-08-03T16:49:46.656-07:002015-08-03T16:49:46.656-07:00Hi Grace, this is Kiernan at #4. I wasn't one ...Hi Grace, this is Kiernan at #4. I wasn't one of your original reviewers but I've read both and I agree, your revision really shines! You've clarified some confusing points and ratcheted up the stakes and tension. The only thing I thought could still use a little work was your end, when you have a lot of very short sentences following one another. I'm a fan of short, crisp sentences, but I do like them balanced with lengthier and more descriptive phrases. This is a personal preference though, so if it doesn't work for your story, please disregard. Overall, this reads really strong!Kiernan Charleshttps://twitter.com/writerkmcnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-80426814002759482282015-08-02T04:24:40.525-07:002015-08-02T04:24:40.525-07:00Revision Critique:
Grace, you have clearly done ...Revision Critique: <br /><br />Grace, you have clearly done a TON of work on this opening, and it's paid off. Your revision is much tighter than the original, which was a bit confusing. This reads clearly, gives a great sense of place and tension, and does a much better job of narrowing in on your MC. Fantastic job! <br /><br />Your first line is excellent--it draws your reader right in and made me want to know more about what was going on in this city. The only thing that could still use some tweaking is towards the end. <br /><br />"They all sat in the still silence, listening to the snowfall on their house and cave them in, holding their breaths. Ben looked outside again and the dark wheel just outside it. No one was there."<br /><br />Your first sentence there is a little confusing in the way it's worded. A re-word for grammar and clarity would help. Also, I agree with Katie about saying there's no one by the carriage when Ben is clearly looking for someone. Maybe try something along the lines of "Ben looked outside again to where the dark carriage wheel loomed outside the window. There was no sign of the driver. A knock pounded once on the door." How you word things is, of course, up to you! <br /><br />Fantastic job. You've done a lot and it's made a bit difference.Laura E Weymouth #14http://www.twitter.com/lauraeweymouthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-14151442837816867292015-08-01T19:05:04.313-07:002015-08-01T19:05:04.313-07:00This is really creepy. I can feel it now with this...This is really creepy. I can feel it now with this revision. The changes you made really pumped this up and I seriously was sitting on the edge of my seat. Fantastic job. I did see a couple areas that it looks like Katie found as well. Otherwise, wonderful! Good luck with Pitch Wars and keep in touch!Eyebeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11959374705537702975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-49945448393627549442015-08-01T06:23:04.453-07:002015-08-01T06:23:04.453-07:00Only the thin glass between was between it and him...Only the thin glass between was between it and him,” ... Thanks for pointing this out! I didn't catch this typo until now....it's suppose to read: "only the thin glass was between him and it " but I think somehow I double typed it :)Bethany https://www.blogger.com/profile/11498901979034898838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-7760848752733665752015-08-01T06:22:27.743-07:002015-08-01T06:22:27.743-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Bethany https://www.blogger.com/profile/11498901979034898838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-23328730063838266782015-08-01T04:51:00.044-07:002015-08-01T04:51:00.044-07:00REVISION:
Hi Grace!
You’ve done a lot of work on ...REVISION:<br />Hi Grace!<br /><br />You’ve done a lot of work on your piece, and I think it reads a lot better. I have just a few callouts, listed below.<br /><br />Pitch: <br />“He’s expected to save his homeland and fiancée, by his insane leader Fortune, from ruthless thieves and his leader’s mind.”: The first sent of the pitch reads fine and states the interesting premise of the roll of the dice clearly. This one, I’m still having trouble with. Maybe if you said, “He’s expected to save his homeland and fiancée from ruthless thieves by manipulating his insane leader’s mind.” I don’t think it’s necessary to call out Fortune. It’s an interesting tid-bit but it distracts in this sentence. Also, you don’t have to necessarily lump the leader and the thieves together in order to get the point across. <br /><br />Revision:<br />Overall, this reads a lot smoother, but I do have a few callouts.<br /><br />You keep coming back to the idea that the city of Yri is dead, and this city really isn’t dead. We see the people running to their homes, we know Ben and his family are in it, so dead seems to come across as extreme. What if you turn this idea into a sickness or abandonment instead? Such as, “The grey streets and frosty banks left Yri abandoned. His heart pounded in his ears and chest.” This seems more likely (and in this version it actually removes the passive voice of “was”). The imagery of death in the city before we actually see the Dark carriage seems too much.<br /><br />I like the change of Ben being in the front and looking at the broken door latch. It puts his safety in immediate danger and heightens the anxiety of the scene.<br /><br />For the line that reads “Only the thin glass between was between it and him,” consider rewordinjg to drop one of the betweens.<br /><br />Also, I have a hard time thinking Ben can actually see the city for miles around in the line, “All he could see was the cold corpse of the city…” The fact that he sees people running into their homes makes me feel like he can see his street only—and only a small portion at that. <br /><br />The last note I have is for the “No one was there” bit. As a carriage just drove up, I find it hard to think that Ben would see it as “No one” being there. Instead, I think his biggest concern is that someone actually IS there. Does that make sense?<br /><br />As usual, these are just one persons opinions, so fee free to take it or leave it and good luck to you!<br />Katie Fullerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12505963112252681790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-89351422506810218752015-07-31T23:05:59.120-07:002015-07-31T23:05:59.120-07:00I like your opening two lines. Simple. direct. Get... I like your opening two lines. Simple. direct. Get us curious. <br /><br />Throughout, you have a lot of nouns cuddling next to adjectives. It bogs down you words. Some aren't at all necessary. I.e. Grey streets and frosty banks. Grey streets, how many other colors of streets are there? Are the streets piling along the houses? I think you have a dangling modifier. And isn't it a given that banks are frosty? Maybe use 'empty streets' and simply say 'snow'. I see you were going for a certain rhythm, but I think it takes more than it adds. You could also use stronger nouns or verb as opposed to adjectives. I.e. 'Ben slid his freezing hands off the glass and slid against the wall, ducking away from sight.' can become 'Seized by the cold, the window froze Ben's fingers as he leaned against it. He yanked his hand from the glass, turned around with his back to the wall sliding to the floor. Ducking from sight... IDK. Not sure if that is necessarily better, but that would be an example of letting more powerful verbs and nouns describe the scene. <br /><br />You have left some curious suspense. It's a good scene that makes us want to see more. <br />Rollan Wengert Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01494098473336990404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-2296642275637548202015-07-31T22:56:17.945-07:002015-07-31T22:56:17.945-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Rollan Wengert Authorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01494098473336990404noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-38939080219823247582015-07-31T19:07:45.342-07:002015-07-31T19:07:45.342-07:00I think this pitch is a lot closer to what you'...I think this pitch is a lot closer to what you're aiming for, but it needs another layer of revision to really shine. One of the tricks I do with my pitches is first make them excruciatingly true to my story and then make them sound like I imagine my MC would describe the same thing. <br /><br />I think you're much closer on true, now take a hand at the voice/tone aspects by replacing some of these words with Ben's words.<br /><br />Your edits have definitely tightened up your story! Now you're going to want to turn around and linger a little bit more. Introduce us to a few less characters, bring us in a little tighter to each one. They're your old friends, but we're just meeting them for the first time, help us love them as much as you do!<br /><br />Hope you feel better about where your story is going, because, really, that's all that matters! Best of luck!Lana Wood Johnson (Muliebris)https://www.blogger.com/profile/07308416699468579212noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-19702811683469086312015-07-31T19:07:07.948-07:002015-07-31T19:07:07.948-07:00I think this pitch is a lot closer to what you'...I think this pitch is a lot closer to what you're aiming for, but it needs another layer of revision to really shine. One of the tricks I do with my pitches is first make them excruciatingly true to my story and then make them sound like I imagine my MC would describe the same thing. <br /><br />I think you're much closer on true, now take a hand at the voice/tone aspects by replacing some of these words with Ben's words.<br /><br />Your edits have definitely tightened up your story! Now you're going to want to turn around and linger a little bit more. Introduce us to a few less characters, bring us in a little tighter to each one. They're your old friends, but we're just meeting them for the first time, help us love them as much as you do!<br /><br />Hope you feel better about where your story is going, because, really, that's all that matters! Best of luck!Lana Wood Johnson (Muliebris)https://www.blogger.com/profile/07308416699468579212noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-8083180803927889122015-07-31T08:09:12.266-07:002015-07-31T08:09:12.266-07:00Hi Grace, this is Jen, entry #9. You already have ...Hi Grace, this is Jen, entry #9. You already have a lot of line-by-line notes, so I’m just going to give you my overall impression.<br /><br />I’m getting a sense that all is not well, but I’m not sure I understand why. You’re paying a lot of attention to how everyone is reacting to whatever terrible thing is happening, but without knowing what that thing is, I’m struggling to connect to the characters.<br /><br />You also have a LOT of characters in this opening, but you’re not really giving us much to distinguish them. It makes the whole thing a little hard to follow. <br /><br />And all the jumping and gasping seems a little over-reactionary. Especially if this is as dangerous as you want us to believe it is, I think it would be more compelling if everyone actually did stay silent with fear.<br /><br />You have an interesting premise. I think you just need to tighten up the writing, and focus on how to build the anticipation of whatever terrible thing is about to happen (and maybe tell us what that is!)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15048879052513914559noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-80680341818097056432015-07-30T20:16:10.863-07:002015-07-30T20:16:10.863-07:00Hiya Grace :)
So there's been a lot of helpfu...Hiya Grace :)<br /><br />So there's been a lot of helpful comments which I agree with on your pitch so all I will say is The idea of Dice determining things is awesome and I love the play between dice and the leader's name being Fortune. :) Once you find your stride in the rest I'm sure it will sing.<br /><br />500: I think if you're going to open with weather than hook us with the line : Screams and echoes of chaos drifted over the still city. -- it's creepy and intriguing right away. Then maybe get inside Ben's head wondering why this freaky snow is everywhere and the fear he's experiencing.<br /><br />I think if you concentrated on Ben and Risha and let the others fade and marinate you could pull us in more. It's easier getting caught up in one or two peoples intense emotions instead of a bunch when I don't know enough about them yet to care so much...yet ;)<br /><br />The Taken, and Dice demons are all so interesting, I want to know more! Can't wait to see your revisions cause I think your idea is really cool and there are a lot of things that are working. Once you eliminate some of the things bogging it up I think it will shine.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02958909504244701603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-1355986352708973562015-07-30T09:00:45.875-07:002015-07-30T09:00:45.875-07:00*outter *outter Bethany https://www.blogger.com/profile/11498901979034898838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-31849032410828079002015-07-30T09:00:00.494-07:002015-07-30T09:00:00.494-07:00It has... But not in that specific area... Mostly ...It has... But not in that specific area... Mostly in the putter ares but that's not really important to the story since it was a while ago and Ben wasn't there for that. (It was for the same thing though)Bethany https://www.blogger.com/profile/11498901979034898838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-37517442540528835612015-07-30T06:12:19.088-07:002015-07-30T06:12:19.088-07:00Preamble: First off, sorry to be so late in the ga...Preamble: First off, sorry to be so late in the game, hope this is still helpful! Working offline over crepes, so I may repeat previous comments :)<br /><br />Pitch: Upon first reading, I’m a little lost. Getting more specific might help to orient and hook your reader. What form does the leader’s madness take? Lots of crazy villains out there, so this needs to be as concrete and original as possible. Is the reliance on dice a part of that? What, specifically, does Ben hold dear and how is it threatened?<br /><br />First 500: Your wintertime city is very spooky and suspenseful. I think you can make it even more so by starting with a tight closeup instead of zooming in from a panorama, if that makes sense…start right inside Ben’s head, show his fear as he’s flattening himself against the wall, trying to catch a glimpse of what’s going on outside without being seen. Stick with his perspective (e.g. when talking about being anxious and sweaty with fear, for example – you “zoom out” when you say so about all the occupants of the house.)<br /><br />At the same time, though, watch out for “filter” constructions like “He could see the empty, grey streets…” – they put your reader a step outside Ben’s head so that we’re observing him, not seeing what he sees. <br /><br />I found I got a bit muddled with all the people in the house. If they all need to be there right away, can you play up some distinctive descriptions for your reader to attach to the names, maybe? Or have them hiding elsewhere in the house so you can hold off on introducing them right away – maybe have one person with him, and another sneak out to join him…? No idea if that works with what follows these first 500 words, though!Amelindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00418362660748120018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-59913268248646642862015-07-30T06:08:45.235-07:002015-07-30T06:08:45.235-07:00Preamble: First off, sorry to be so late in the ga...Preamble: First off, sorry to be so late in the game, hope this is still helpful! Working offline over crepes, so I may repeat previous comments :)<br /><br />Pitch: Upon first reading, I’m a little lost. Getting more specific might help to orient and hook your reader. What form does the leader’s madness take? Lots of crazy villains out there, so this needs to be as concrete and original as possible. Is the reliance on dice a part of that? What, specifically, does Ben hold dear and how is it threatened?<br /><br />First 500: Your wintertime city is very spooky and suspenseful. I think you can make it even more so by starting with a tight closeup instead of zooming in from a panorama, if that makes sense…start right inside Ben’s head, show his fear as he’s flattening himself against the wall, trying to catch a glimpse of what’s going on outside without being seen. Stick with his perspective (e.g. when talking about being anxious and sweaty with fear, for example – you “zoom out” when you say so about all the occupants of the house.)<br /><br />At the same time, though, watch out for “filter” constructions like “He could see the empty, grey streets…” – they put your reader a step outside Ben’s head so that we’re observing him, not seeing what he sees. <br /><br />I found I got a bit muddled with all the people in the house. If they all need to be there right away, can you play up some distinctive descriptions for your reader to attach to the names, maybe? Or have them hiding elsewhere in the house so you can hold off on introducing them right away – maybe have one person with him, and another sneak out to join him…? No idea if that works with what follows these first 500 words, though!Amelindahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00418362660748120018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-25085412229616090882015-07-28T23:40:21.135-07:002015-07-28T23:40:21.135-07:00Hi :) This is Maddie from entry three
Pitch:
I l...Hi :) This is Maddie from entry three<br /><br />Pitch:<br /><br />I like the start of your pitch. Immediately, I'm insanely curious about a secret society run by dice. Awesome premise :) Reading on, I'm a little confused by the wording. At first, I thought you meant Ben was most concerned about saving himself, but I think you mean he's most concerned about saving Fortune? <br />-"from Fortune's mind before He destroys everything Ben holds dear... including himself."- I think "He" doesn't need to be capitalized right here. I think I'm sensing either a super close friendship or something romantic between Ben and Fortune. Either way, I'm excited. The pitch has stakes and plot.<br /><br />First 500 Words:<br /><br />-The writing is very beautiful and descriptive, but I was hoping the story would start with Ben. Maybe this would be a better opening line, "Yri was dead." Then you could delve into introducing Ben right away and what the city means to him and the destruction around him?<br />-"His heart pounded in his ears, seeming to deafening the still, fear-filled house."- If you remove "seeming to" and just kept "deafening the...", I think the sentence would read a lot more smoother. <br />-"The room was pin-drop silent except for a few gasping, struggled breaths."-I really like the pin-drop silent description. It gives me the pleasant, reading shivers :D<br />-This is reminding me of Attack on Titan a little bit :)<br />-I'm feeling disconnected with Ben. I want to feel terrified of what is about to happen. I want Ben to be nearly having a panic attack over the thought of losing his family. So maybe the ending of the first 500 words could have a little more emotion?<br /><br />Overall:<br /><br />This is a cool premise that is really, really interesting. I want to know what the danger is. I think you did a great job getting readers curious and invested with little words. Right now, I feel more invested in the plot over Ben and I want to feel as equally worried about the plot as I am about Ben. <br />Maddie Rodriguezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05284212200918139511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-38053980641409278652015-07-28T18:20:44.730-07:002015-07-28T18:20:44.730-07:00Ben shifted his position, his back sliding against... Ben shifted his position, his back sliding against the wall, looking out the window again to see if any movement came from the streets. All he saw was snow on the wind and the cold corpse of the city street.<br /> “There’s nothing,” he whispered. [When I read 'the cold corpse in the street' the first think that came to mind was the fact you used cold several times in the first couple hundred words. Redundancy is not our friend. Try to think of another word to use. The other thing I was thinking was the fact the next sentence, your MC says there's nothing outside. There's a cold corpse outside! Either this is a normal occurrence so nobody's alarmed, or this is a big deal which he should probably be reacting to it. I may be way off base with this, but I just wanted to point out my first reaction.<br /><br /> “Maybe they went to some other spot in the city?” Liam barely spoke next to him, but it sounded as if he were shouting in Ben’s ears.<br /> “It could’ve been a false alarm,” Jill said, stroking young Susan’s hair to put the trembling girl to sleep. [This is great. I'm very curious about who these people are who are searching the city, for something. Good job. This makes me want to read further. The next sentence, i like the imagery I get form this!]<br /><br />“Children, please,” his mother hissed sternly, “Keep your voices down and they may pass.” [This sentence should be: "Children, please," his mother hissed sternly. "Keep your voices down and they may pass."]<br /><br /> “I want papa,” Susan whimpered before sighing. [You should think about using more she/he said and steer clear of using Susan whimpered or mother hissed or anything similar to this. Using dialogue tags such as said, is best. The reader sort of ignores the word said which keep them buried in your story which you want. Each time you use a word like whispered, it pulls the reader out of the story. Besides, using words other than said is telling. You want to lean more to showing than telling every time. Not to say there aren't time when you should use telling words. You just need to find the right balance. I'm still trying to find it! :-)]<br /><br /> Ben jumped in fear at the sudden noise. [I think it might be best to eliminate the word fear, which again is telling.]<br /><br /> A huge black carriage wheel rolled past the low window, casting a shadow on the floor. A second squeaked and stopped in the fallen snow, just inches away from Ben’s nose. His heart leaped. Liam held his breath next to him. [I was confused about where they are. I think they are in a house but when you mention a carriage wheel casts a shadow on the floor, it almost doesn't' see plausible they are in a house.]<br /><br />Overall, this really interests me, but I do think you should think about changing the fist few paragraph and start with something that doesn't deal with the weather. You can mention the snow in passing, but don't focus on it. Good job and good luck! :-)<br /><br />Monica M. Hoffman <br />Eyebeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11959374705537702975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-65247092936550275172015-07-28T18:20:18.216-07:002015-07-28T18:20:18.216-07:00Hello Grace,
So please forgive me if I repeat som...Hello Grace,<br /><br />So please forgive me if I repeat something someone else has commented on. I haven't read the previous posts. So I can tell you right now, I'm a fan. I love fantasy. So let's start at your pitch.<br /><br />Pitch: Abducted into a secret society run by dice, Ben must save the outside world from ruthless thieves and his mental young leader, Fortune, from Fortune's mind before He destroys everything Ben holds dear... including himself. [I understand the first six words until we get to dice. Are these dice actual dice, or is this a name for a person, a group of people, or something entirely? Maybe some more detail would help. Then when you mention 'his mental young leader, Fortune, from Fortune's mind...' this confused me and I think I know what you are trying to convey here. I think if you reword this, nobody would have to reread this. :-)]<br /><br />First 500:<br /> Snow swirled in the icy wind through the opening dark clouds. The lacey flakes, forced and awaken from the sky by a strange substance, drifted down upon Yri. Screams and echoes of chaos drifted over the still city, under the noses of the dancing snow. The last staggering people hurried into their wooden homes, locking themselves in. The city of Yri was abandoned in cold and frozen silenence.<br /> Yri was dead. [Okay again, please forgive me if someone already mentioned this, but be careful opening your story describing the weather. It been done so much, agents are sick and tired of it. Think outside the box. I see in the first couple of paragraphs you describe what the weather is like through your character. This slow your pacing and you need to get to the initial incident as soon as possible to ground your read and make them want to read more. I also notice a lot of adjectives (i.g. cold and frozen silence, dancing snow, and fearful look).<br /><br /> It was as if the gales carried the last cries of the Taken. [I want to know more about the Taken. What is this? How does this happen?] 1/2Eyebeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11959374705537702975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-21417945227128203802015-07-28T18:19:29.823-07:002015-07-28T18:19:29.823-07:00Hi Grace XD
So as someone who has read this book ...Hi Grace XD<br /><br />So as someone who has read this book and is now helping you with the revisions I won't say too much except that I agree with Lana about opening with the weather. Also, since I know Ben's siblings don't really show up again, I'd leave them unnamed. You also might want to straight off establish who Risha is. I don't think the other people here know of her importance XD <br /><br />Rachel Stevensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00991463819733034833noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-12710167746979918182015-07-28T06:02:21.422-07:002015-07-28T06:02:21.422-07:00Thanks for the pitch idea! I really like it Thanks for the pitch idea! I really like it Bethany https://www.blogger.com/profile/11498901979034898838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-68883986657667375532015-07-27T14:44:33.148-07:002015-07-27T14:44:33.148-07:00
“Children, please,” his mother hisse...<br /><br /> “Children, please,” his mother hissed sternly, “Keep your voices down and they may pass.”<br /> “I want papa,” Susan whimpered before sighing.<br /> “Do you think the snow was made by the dice-demons?” Liam asked, disobeying his mother, loud enough to make them all gasp.<br /> “Don’t be silly.” Jill made a face.<br /> Something outside squeaked. Ben jumped in fear at the sudden noise. Risha let out a hiccupped yelp. Mrs. Westside covered the Lord Newmun’s daughter’s mouth quickly before she could scream in fear.<br /> Horse hooves echoed outside. Ben slumped further down and peeked outside. [CHOOSE ANOTHER WORD THAN OUTSIDE SINCE IT WAS USED IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE]<br /> A huge black carriage wheel rolled past the low window, casting a shadow on the floor. A second squeaked and stopped in the fallen snow, just inches away from Ben’s nose. His heart leaped. Liam held his breath next to him.<br /> “Come away from that window, boys,” Mrs. Westside whispered, motioning with her pale hand.<br /> Liam slowly stumbled over next to Risha.<br /> A knock pounded once on the door.<br /><br /><br />General comments:<br /><br />If you can clarify your pitch to show who, what the stakes are, and what the twist is, it will help ground the reader. Also, try to avoid using the same words too much. Snow is used a lot, for example. A good first sentence will hook the reader in as well—your first sentence is description, but perhaps starting with a little bit of action will draw the reader in.<br /><br />Hope this helps! :-)Ali Dhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17561720719417085770noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5873256532772708160.post-49886218832904586452015-07-27T14:44:19.609-07:002015-07-27T14:44:19.609-07:00
Hi Grace! Thanks for letting me read and comment...<br /><br />Hi Grace! Thanks for letting me read and comment! <br /><br />My comments are totally subjective, and I hope there is something useful in them for you.<br /><br />The pitch: <br /><br />--I’m confused. Perhaps it’s because I’m being too literal about it, but I’m picturing 6-sided dice with eyes. I’m really sorry if that’s way off. Also, “mental young leader” is confusing too. Do you mean “mental” like slang? Like “He’s gone mental!” <br /><br />Again, I apologize if I’m way off base here, but here’s my go at revising the pitch:<br /><br />--Abducted into a secret society, Ben must stop its wild leader from destroying the outside world and everything he loves, or die trying. <br /><br /><br />500 words (MY COMMENTS IN ALL CAPS):<br /><br />Snow swirled in the icy wind through the opening dark clouds [CHANGE UP THE RHYTHM—YOU HAVE TOO MANY TWO-WORD DESCRIPTIONS GOING ON IN A SINGLE SENTENCE]. The lacey flakes, forced and awaken from the sky by a strange substance, drifted down upon Yri [THIS SENTENCE IS SLIGHTLY CONFUSING—IS YRI A PERSON OR A LOCATION? WATCH FOR GRAMMAR ALSO]. Screams and echoes of chaos drifted over the still city, under the noses of the dancing snow [“UNDER THE NOSES OF THE DANCING SNOW” CONFUSES ME. REMOVING THE NOSES PART WOULD PROBABLY HELP]. The last staggering people hurried into their wooden homes, locking themselves in. The city of Yri [AH! IT’S A CITY! I SUGGEST CLARIFYING THIS THE FIRST TIME YRI IS MENTIONED] was abandoned in cold and frozen silenence [SILENCE]<br /> Yri was dead.<br /> Ben could see the empty, [GREY STREETS] past his freezing nose and the window glass, fogging under his warm breath. His heart pounded in his ears, seeming to deafening [DEAFEN] the still [CHOOS EA DIFFEREMNT WORD—STILL HAS BEEN USED ALREADY], fear-filled house. The room was pin-drop silent except for a few gasping, struggled breaths. He slid his back down against the wall, trying to hide from the outside view, disturbing his shock-stricken brother’s legs.<br /> He looked at the other side of the dim house where his older and two younger sisters shivered on either side of their mother. <br /> The Lord Newmun’s daughter, now trapped with the Westside family after trying to drop another letter off for Ben, tried to hold back a sob [,] but it escaped past her throat.<br /> Ben Westside and Risha Newmun exchanged a fearful look. [COMMENT: BEN HAS A PRETTY NORMAL NAME COMPARED TO THE OTHERS. IS THIS INTENTIONAL?] <br /> The damp, house felt as if it were made of ice, but the family was sweating, hot with anxiousness. The wind screamed through the cold, dead fireplace and creaked against the walls of the house. It was as if the gales carried the last cries of the Taken.<br /> Ben shifted his position, his back sliding against the wall, looking out the window again to see if any movement came from the streets. All he saw was snow on the wind and the cold corpse of the city street.<br /> “There’s nothing,” he whispered.<br /> “Maybe they went to some other spot in the city?” Liam barely spoke next to him, but it sounded as if he were shouting in Ben’s ears.<br /> “It could’ve been a false alarm,” Jill said, stroking young Susan’s hair to put the trembling girl to sleep.<br /> <br />Ali Dhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17561720719417085770noreply@blogger.com